Steph Stew

New Addition

2012-01-14T20:36:00.000-08:00

Obviously, baby Luke was added to our family. He'll be one month old tomorrow. His coming into the world was not without fear, not only because bed rest was riddled with multiple trips to the hospital to stop preterm labor but also because my placenta abrupted during delivery and his umbilical cord was tied in what could have been a life-ending knot. I am grateful for his life, and for God's lessons in the times of fear that have made me a less complaining mother during the usual sleepless nights that newborns bring. I will take them willingly knowing that there was no guarantee that I would have this time with him, and that he could have been taken at any moment leading up to his birth. He is quite bald, having not only little hair on his head but also no eyebrows and sparse eyelashes. He is quite the little old man, and we're so happy that he is here.

I haven't been to work in nearly three months. It will be a longer period of time than any summer break I have ever had. In that time I have had the opportunity to appreciate both the time with my own kids (limited as my physical interaction with them was) and also to reflect on how fortunate I am to work with the students and staff that I have back at Iowa. God is very good to have placed me there. I am praying that I will be a source of encouragement and help to those that I work with.

Our little family seems to be adjusting well to the addition of child number four. Quite honestly, it doesn't seem nearly as hard as having our first child. I don't know that he's necessarily an easier baby...I think that God has simply been able to use our experiences, both positive and negative, to help us prepare for Luke's joining us more easily.

Kadee Joy is such a wonderful big sister. She has always shown a great propensity for patience with her other brothers, and extends it now to her new youngest. Andrew is quite taken with Luke, and if he hears him cry says, "It's okay, Baby Wooke." He also will try to give him his pacifier, which is always accompanied by "Here you go, kid. Here you go, kid." Then he pets Luke's bald head and gives him a big kiss. Jeffrey is neither taken with nor bothered by Luke. He often has to be reminded that the baby is there at all...otherwise I think Luke would be a stepping stone more often.

And Chris is...well Chris is just wonderful. He has often taken the late night or early morning shift when the baby is just wide awake for no apparent reason. He gives me nap breaks when I need them, and still takes care of most of our meals. He manages to find me beautiful even when showers have evaded me and pajamas are my default outfit. What a wonderful place to be in, and how grateful I am to the Lord for bringing us to this sweet place in life.

Well, you KNEW it was coming...

2011-10-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

This will not come as a shock to anyone who is friends with me on Facebook. It probably won't come as a shock to the dozens of people I e-mailed either. So for the rest of the world, as of a week ago, I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. I hit week 30 two days ago, and full term is 37 weeks...so I've got a ways to go.

I will write a little bit about what bed rest is like, in case you were wondering. First of all, my movement (standing or walking) is restricted to four hours a day. When my doctor first told me that, I was pleasantly surprised. Four hours seemed like a ridiculous amount of time. However, it has run out quickly every day, and if I even THINK about going over my four hours, contractions start up and I end up back at the hospital for a shot of Red Bull (at least that is what it feels like they're injecting me with) before I'm sent back home with stricter instructions to keep hydrated and for pity's sake to rest!

So I am still allowed to do things like shower, run MINOR errands (for me, this a trip to the library to exchange the large number of books I now have time to leave) and do very, very, very light housework. I'm actually having a hard time with the last part because now that my home LITERALLY is my world, I am finding a bunch of stuff to clean, fix, etc....which gets me in trouble physically. And I'm finding that if I DON'T take care of it while Chris is gone, my attitude towards him when he gets home is pretty negative, especially when I start listing off all the things that I have come up with.

What has struck me over the past few days is how OUT of control this whole situation is. I mean, I can rest, hydrate, take my meds...but this baby still tries to be born. And ultimately it is out of my control. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I rejoiced in the fact that I could make sure that I did EVERYTHING right. I made sure that I was taking all the vitamins that I was supposed to take, that I was eating the things I was supposed to eat (or rather, not eating the things I wasn't supposed to eat), that I was doing nothing that would make me look back on this pregnancy and wonder if there was something else I could have done to ensure that this child would....well, frankly....be NORMAL.

Because I am still, on rare occasions, plagued by a sense of guilt that my boys' autism was something that I inflicted upon them by just not being careful enough, watching enough, talking enough, not following the rules enough in pregnancy... And while I don't believe that about ANY OTHER PARENT, Satan still places it on my heart and mind with my own.

So in a way, this bed rest has been a big reminder from my one true God, the Creator of all, that I never was in control of the design of my children, that they are WONDERFULLY made, and that He is the ultimate mapmaker for their lives. I can plan whatever I want to, but ultimately His plan for my life and the life of my children is the one I am going to live out. And knowing that He is faithful, loving, a help in time of need, and my Ultimate provider, I will shout praise for this time of rest, and for the protection He has laid over me and my precious baby boy thus far. And what my little guy ultimately turns out like is no less than God's perfect plan...and that is beyond good enough for me.

No, I wouldn't.

2011-10-07T06:18:00.000-07:00

As so often happens in life, I have been asked an unusual question more than one time in the same week. When this happens, I thank God for the opportunity to reflect and answer. And today, I thank God for the journey He has brought me through to my answer.

It started with a fourth grade class I had. Right after their class has me, I have my autism program class. Usually I make sure that my fourth graders leave right on time so that my autism class doesn't have to wait in the hallway for very long. This particular day, I had lost track of time and asked that my fourth graders line up as quickly and quietly as possible so that my next class did not have to wait much longer.

The sounds coming from the hallway at this point are typical of my autism class. You could hear shrieks, "EEE--eeeeee!", scrapes against the wall, all normal for this class for whom the idea of "waiting quietly in hallway" was a laughable thought. At this, one of my fourth graders said, "Oh, is that the....I don't want to be rude....is that the..."

I helped them out by saying, "That's my kids with autism class. Although not all of the kids with autism in our school are in that class."

For some reason I felt compelled to add "If my sons were at this school, they would probably be in that class. They both have autism."

One of my other students, who I'm sure was trying to be sympathetic, immediately chimed in, "Oh, that's sad....."

I took in what she said, and the sad expressions of her fellow classmates, and said "You know, it's actually not too sad. I love my boys. They don't know how to be hurtful towards other kids. They don't know how to lie. They are very loving towards each other...I wouldn't change them even if I could. The kids out in the hallway have very beautiful sides to their personalities."

With that, I dismissed them, and they very quietly got in line and I opened the door. As we passed by my next class, I could see my fourth grade students trying very hard to smile at them, even though catching my autism classes' eyes is sometimes an impossible task. For that moment, I was very proud of my fourth graders, and very glad to be having my autism class next. No, I wouldn't change them.

I've been asked this week (again) what the chances of this next son (due at Christmas) having autism are. With his brothers both having it, the most recent study has given him a 1 in 3 chance of developing autism. The natural followup for this stat is "Does that scare you? What are you going to do if he has autism?"

When I take the time to reflect, I see my boys as they are and see (gratefully) that they are beautiful, extraordinary little boys who have blessed my life beyond measure. I think I take each milestone they reach with more gratitude and pride than I would if there was complete certainty that they would indeed reach them.

I think about Andrew's huge capacity for compassion and empathy, and see how saddened he is by the hurts of others, and know that in watching him live I have become more compassionate and empathetic.

I see Jeffrey's big brown eyes light up as they watch a new discovery, or twinkle as he laughs hysterically at a goofy scene, and I know that in watching him I am rediscovering what it means to enjoy the new adventures in life.

I see my daughter taking on her role as a big sister to these two special boys in a selfless and understanding way and know that it would probably not be to this extreme if her brothers were both "normal."

And I see my husband, who is so wonderful with my boys and helping them in the midst of meltdowns and struggles, and praise God that he is here to help me on this journey.

So the self-reflective question that comes as I daily face the diagnosis that has been laid at my door in my children twice so far..."Would I change them from having autism if I could?"

And to my surprise and delight, I am happily able to now say "No, I wouldn't."

Hope for Love

2011-09-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

Over a month ago Chris and I were given tickets to go and see a Boise Hawks baseball game. It was so much fun, and we thoroughly enjoyed both the game and the precious time in each other's company.

While we were sitting, I noticed a young man who looked to be in his early twenties. He was a good looking kid with bright red hair, and I noticed him because of the animation of his gestures as he spoke to those who was standing next to.

It took only a few seconds of watching to realize that there was something very different about this young man. Strong as he looked, his body and face would break into uncontrolled spasms while he continued to try and get his point across. He was close enough to be able to hear his voice, and his speech was noticeably affected by some sort of disorder or delay. But he kept talking, and his companions seemed to know him well enough to follow him easily. He left after a while, and at first I was simply filled with pity for this seemingly healthy young man whose body and mind was ravaged by what I assumed to be a seizure disorder.

And then, about 45 minutes later, he came back. But this time he was not alone. He was accompanied by a woman wearing a big hat and carrying a cane. At first, probably because of the cane, I assumed she was older, probably his mother. But as she drew nearer, it was evident that she too was young. A wide smile covered her young face, and she was holding onto the arm of the young man, who seemed to walk in a slightly unbalanced manner, another indication of a seizure disorder.

Was she his sister, his friend...? I'll admit that my initial curiosity probably turned into outright rudeness, but I pointed out the couple to my husband, who began to watch them as well. They were greeted warmly by the same people the young man had been talking with before, and started up another conversation. Despite the continued spontaneous jerks his body took him through, the young man kept talking, and would sometimes defer to his companion who would smile lovingly at him and press his arm. It soon became apparent...they were TOGETHER. And she absolutely adored him.

One of my greatest fears for my boys, besides a worry for their ability to be independent, is that they will never know the love of a wife. That they will never know commitment from someone who adores them simply for who they are.

And that young woman, with her big hat, cane, and wide smile, gave me great hope that love is out there for my boys as well as for the lucky guy she found who may not have the traditional charms of the modern-day knight in shining armor, but who was able to see her for more than just her disability as well as she was able to see and love him.

Elopement

2011-05-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

When Andrew was first diagnosed, I was directed (by the developmental pediatrician who diagnosed him) to many different resources on autism. One of the sites was the IAN Project. During my entrance into the world of mothers of children with autism, I initially took on a frenzied search into the world of autism and studied anything about the disorder I could find. My search has not stopped...it has just slowed down a little bit.

I check up on it every once in a while, particularly when I receive notice of an article that features a struggle my family and I are having with autism. Recently, an article came to me regarding "Elopement and Wandering." "Wandering" I understood...the term "elopement" was a little strange. So I went to the actual site and checked it out.

Essentially, elopement is when a child (any child I guess, but seems particularly prevalent in children with autism) suddenly runs from an area of safety into an area of danger, and excludes those who did it at an age appropriate time (I remember Kadee Joy during the terrible twos).

Andrew struggled with elopement pretty much up until the age of four. If we were in a mall, a grocery store, our church, our house, he would suddenly run from us, usually when there was a long hallway, and would not come back on his own, regardless of how many times (or how loud) we screamed his name. The difficulty came when Chris and I were in a position where we could not simply run after him, which usually happened when I had Jeffrey in a stroller and Kadee Joy was still quite young herself. If I was lucky, I would be with someone who could stay with my other two while I ran after Andrew. If I wasn't that lucky, I would simply drag my other two with me and run after him at a slower pace. There were many times when Andrew was caught by some other well meaning adult who would scold him soundly for not listening to his mother. Other times, there was no one else to help, and all the other people there would simply watch and shake their heads at the mother who couldn't keep her brat under control.

The first dozen times it happened, I would be humiliated and had to leave wherever I was. I just couldn't handle the disapproval of those around me.

After the first dozen times, I realized that this was simply how Andrew was, and I would just have to keep working on helping him to understand that he just COULDN'T run whenever he wanted to. I don't know whether my talks did it, or if it was simple maturation, but around four, we went to the grocery store and he started to run again...I called his name and he stopped, turned around, smiled, and ran right back to me.

It has been that way in stores, malls, parks, etc...the only place it is a problem every once in a while is in parking lots, which of course is probably the most dangerous place it could happen. Today we went to Fred Meyer to do some banking and pick up a few things, including two gallons of milk. He was fine in the store, and Kadee Joy was there to keep him entertained.

I didn't have much at the end of the trip, just a bag of groceries which Kadee Joy carried, and two gallons of milk which I carried, one in each hand. Andrew had not "eloped" in quite a while, and the parking lot was not too busy, and since I didn't have the hands available we walked out together, hands to ourselves. Crossing the front of the parking lot was fine. But as soon as we got to where our van was, Andrew bolted. Kadee Joy and I both immediately called out his name, but he didn't even appear to hear us. We called again, and still no response.

By this time, families in the parking lot had stopped to stare. As I looked farther ahead, a car, about 20 feet in front of Andrew, had started to pull out. This time both Kadee Joy and I screamed his name and I dropped the milk on the asphalt and started to run. Andrew was still running, and the car was still backing out. I reached him right before it would have been too late and pulled him back. He had a smile on his face. The thought of getting hit had not (and still has not) crossed his mind. He was just going on a race towards...something. I turned him towards me and said "You DON'T run from Mommy...you could get HIT by a CAR!" He thought I was just yelling at him for no reason and pulled one of his standby movie quotes out to tell me essentially to leave him alone. I kept his hand in mine and walked him firmly to the van where I buckled him in. Then I went and got the abandoned milk cartons (which had not exploded, luckily), and loaded Kadee Joy and the groceries into the van.

Kadee Joy started crying in the car. She kept saying "Andrew, I know you didn't like that Mommy got you, but you could have DIED! You scared me to death!" Andrew, still feeling picked on, continued his movie quote rant and then requested fries (McDonald's has far too many locations).

After my heart had gone back to a regular rate, I reflected on what I could have done differently. I could have kept Andrew in the car grocery cart he loves until we got to the van, put him in, and then loaded the groceries. I could have tried to carry both gallons of milk in just one arm, and used the other one to hold onto Andrew. I could have...I could have...I could have...

The difficulty is that most of the time, he can handle staying with the family. There is no rhyme or reason to why he stays with the family sometimes and why he bolts others. I want to teach him to respond to someone calling his name, which he does so well now almost every other scenario. But it's like whatever it is he is running TO has far more pull than those he is running FROM.

And he's not alone. The study currently being done on IAN shows that it is a HUGE problem for families of children and even adults with autism. It's not an act of defiance or disobedience...it's simply part of the disorder. I don't have the time to explain that to every family who stops and stares, or to every adult who chews my boy out if they happen to catch him.

So I guess I would just like to say to everyone: If you see a child suddenly run from a safe environment to a dangerous environment, no matter how old, no matter if their parents are there or not...PLEASE take the time to stop the child, and PLEASE resist the temptation to scold, offer advice, or judge. It is very possible that you might encounter someone who dislikes your "interfering" by stopping their child, but I guarantee that most people would be grateful that you helped to keep their child from harm. I know I would.

Spring Break

2011-04-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

I was a little apprehensive going into this Spring Break because I knew that my Mom had gone to the small town in California we lived in for eight years during her Spring Break and that my sister and her family were visiting my brother and his wife down in California for theirs...and I felt very left out. Not because I wasn't invited to get down there, but because I just couldn't...not with the new (to us) van we just got with our tax money, and the fuel pump we just replaced in our other car.

So instead, when people would ask me what I was doing for Spring Break, I would just witheringly tell them that I was staying at home. They would then inquire whether or not my kids and my husband had the same Spring Break as me...which they did, and I would reply as such. Then they would say some comforting thing like, "Oh, well that'll be nice!" I would reply something polite back, but would continue pining for a vacation I knew wasn't coming.

Silly me.

The first day of Spring Break started with coffee with my pastor's wife. This may sound odd, but in the 6 1/2 years we've been members at that church, we've never gone out to coffee, even though we are both coffee people and both of our husbands are in pastoral positions at the church. And I'd have to say that it was a WONDERFUL way to start out the week. We did talk about stuff for our upcoming Women's Retreat that she organizes and I am leading worship for this year, but mostly it was just talking. I'd been feeling very disconnected from our church, especially from the women in our church because Chris and I are primarily with the Senior High Youth. I'm not available for any of the bible studies because I work full time, and the list goes on. So it was just nice.

That same night we had a senior high overnighter. I really like spending time with our group, but "the old grey mare, she ain't what she used to be." I was exhausted after it. It took me a full three days to recover.

On Monday, I started out with a little shopping, mostly cooking ware that I've wanted since cooking out of Julia Child's cookbook. After that I came home and completed three out of the four tasks Chris had asked me to accomplish on our week off, the two main ones being the cleaning out and reorganizing of our kids rooms. They were quite the tasks but their rooms are now easy to play in, easy to keep clean, and are blessedly hygienic.

Chris and I have been able to get many great conversations in as well, which always seems to be difficult during the regular work weeks. Our marriage has been really growing lately, and I've been very, very content.

My kids LOVE being at home. Kadee Joy especially loves it. Sometimes I wonder if the amount of concentrated time she is at school is more exhausting than it should be....but either way, we only have eight more weeks and then she'll have a bigger break.

Andrew has his transition into kindergarten meeting coming up in the next couple of weeks. I was given the opportunity to go in and observe the two classrooms he was being recommended for: Moderate Extended Resource, and Severe and Profound. I really liked the Moderate Extended Resource room, even though it was not at the school he's been at for the past three years. I was SHOCKED however when I entered the Severe and Profound classroom. Most of the kids in the room were non-verbal and physically almost completely incapacitated. Both of those things are just not Andrew. Andrew would far and away being the highest child in the classroom. I believe that the teacher in the severe and profound classroom is doing amazing things...I just don't think Andrew in any possible way belongs there. So I went right over to our wonderful preschool teacher and let her know that I definitely wanted him in the other classroom. So we're excited to see what next year holds for our dear boy.

The rest of the week has been filled with laundry, laundry, laundry...and also a few more meetings with people from my church. I especially enjoyed meeting with one of our youth yesterday at Starbucks. It was so nice to be able to hear from her heart uninterrupted. I actually got to go to Starbucks TWICE yesterday, so obviously it was a good day.

Well, Jeffrey has patiently(?) been waiting for a turn on the computer so that he can do his multiplication numbers and learn about decomposition, so I should probably wrap up. It has been a very refreshing Spring Break, too short of course, and although I do love my job, this break has made me much more excited for the summer that will come sooner that I expect. May you find rest and peace as well.

A Saturday morning in the life of autism

2011-01-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

Jeffrey comes in. He's usually the first to wake up on Saturday mornings. He brings with him his little magna-doodle board. He doesn't really mind that I'm trying to sleep...in fact, even if I tell him that I'm trying to sleep, he doesn't seem to understand. In typical, three year old fashion, the world revolves around him.

In atypical three year old fashion, he begins writing the letters of the alphabet, both uppercase and lower case. If any of the letters are not perfectly connected, he screams, erases the board, and tries again. Usually he is in a very good mood when he first wakes up, though, and these days he rarely makes mistakes in his handwriting. He announces each letter to me as he writes them. If I ask him for he kiss, he obediently pushes his forehead towards me. Jeffy has never, ever given me a kiss with his lips. He will only allow people to kiss him.

Andrew usually comes in next. "Hi, Mommy!" He shouts. He didn't call me "mama" until after he was diagnosed. I still smile whenever he calls me Mommy, remembering the days when I didn't think he ever would. He also calls out, "Hi Jeffy!" Jeffy is his best friend. Jeffy is also his boss. I'm not sure when this changed, but Jeffy the three year old definitely rules the roost over Andrew the five year old. Andrew quickly jumps onto the bed, and starts planting kisses all over my face. He can't give or get enough of them. "Hi Daddy!" he calls, which Chris kindly returns with a "Hi, bud!" and then rolls over to go back to sleep.

Jeffy replies a brief "Hi" to Andrew, but then turns quickly to me and says, "Letters?" "Letters" is code for a computer program on line, starfall.com, and Jeffy is obsessed with it. Jeffy would spend all day on it if allowed to. He became proficient in actually using the mouse on our computer a few weeks ago, and can now navigate back and forth throughout the program. He's way past the part that goes through letter sounds and matching games. He now goes to the math games and the more complicated reading games. Andrew will request specific games every once in a while, which Jeffy will usually oblige him with unless he has fixated on something else. Andrew is very easy going, though, and doesn't mind if Jeffy chooses to do something else. I tell both boys that they can't play yet, because they have to eat breakfast. This is met by a scream from Jeffy, and a mimicked scream from Andrew. Chris was up late with Kadee Joy, so I get up with my boys.

Both boys are not yet potty trained. They are both capable of going potty on the toilet, but still incapable of communicating when they have to go, or even if they have already gone. A more perseverant mother might have Andrew potty trained...I don't yet. So the first thing I do each morning is change their diapers. If one of them happens to be dry, I have them go on the toilet. Most mornings they are wet though. This is not a part of parenting I thought I would still be dealing with at the ages they are...but then again, a lot of things are different.

After changing diapers, I make breakfast. Most of the time, it's scrambled eggs. Andrew has never been able to eat cereal, even as a baby. His oral sensitivity is such that the crunchiness of the cereal is painful to him. He just recently started to eat tortilla chips if we have them with tacos. Andrew will run to the refrigerator, get out the eggs, and set them on the counter. Then he pulls out the pan and sets it on the stove. He also gets out the glass measuring pitcher that I use for the eggs, and then runs to the drawer to get a whisk. He helps crack an egg or two, and then rubs the whisk in the eggs back and forth between his hands. "Good job, Mommy!" he says, as I finish whipping the eggs. "Thanks Andrew" I reply, and then finish preparing the eggs.

Jeffy likes cereal pretty well, but we're still trying to bulk him up. He only weighs 26 pounds. He doesn't help make the eggs, although he loves to watch the process.

Both boys sit down at the table after I ask them to in a sing-song voice. They scoop their eggs into the mouths carefully with their forks. Sometimes, when Andrew gets full, he tries to sneak some to his other best friend, our dog Abby. I try to catch him, but think that Abby probably gets more human food than she should from her benefactor.

After breakfast comes "Letters." Jeffy, as I said, is the navigator of the computer. He's recently found a section of starfall that talks about the pairing of vowels, and how "when two vowels go a'walking, the first one does the talking." When the images of a maid cleaning and a team running show up, the boys roll in hysterics. Every time. Many times over. It is hilarious to watch and listen to.

Andrew loses interest long before Jeffy does. He'll usually play with Abby for a little bit, or else pull out his dinosaurs. His dinosaurs make sense to him. He'll move their heads as he moves his head, and then make roaring sounds as he imagines a dinosaur would. This, I have been told, is an unusual move for a child with autism. Imagination can be very difficult to understand or display, but Andrew does so easily.

Jeffy will eventually be forced off of the computer, and will cry. He'll get over it quickly enough once he finds something else, always something else with letters. Lately he has taken to writing his name, which is the cutest thing. I imagine reading and writing other words are not too far off. He sometimes requests, "Numbers?" which is code for a connect the dots game. He enjoys this game, although not as much as "Letters."

Conversations with my Andrew still are simply movie quotes or repeated phrases. If he wants something, he painstakingly says what he wants in the form of the question, "You want...?" and then answers himself "I want...!" Jeffy is more difficult to read. He just whines or cries until I properly guess what he wants. Then he repeats it. If you press the issue, he will repeat the correct phrase one word at a time.

The two boys as playmates are a joy to watch. Sometimes they will act out scenes from their favorite movies, or sometimes (like today), they will race each other. Jeffy developed very late in the area of mobility, so it is wonderful to see him running back and forth, even if his gait is still a little odd. Andrew runs back and forth laughing, and every once in a while shouts, "Come on, Jeppy!" Giggling, they continue on. Then, inevitably, they will both ask for juice.

After about an hour of playtime, I have them get dressed. Jeffy still has to be helped in every article of clothing. I still wonder sometimes if the inflammation that registered so high in his blood work is still bothering him, as he is so sensitive to any pressure placed on his feet or head.

Andrew can dress himself, but has to be prompted. He recently mastered putting his own shoes and socks on, a task that still earns a proud smile whenever he finishes it. As a toddler, he hated putting clothes on and preferred to run around in just a diaper. Now he can't stand to be without a shirt for more than a few seconds.

After getting dressed, in good weather they would play outside. As it is, with our below freezing temperatures, it's just more indoor stuff. This morning Andrew requests, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas?" It's a Disney movie that I doubt ever made it in the theatres, but the boys love it. The beginning scene shows Donald Duck's nephews racing down the stairs, and the boys are hysterical for the first 10 minutes of the movie. The companionably share the same chair while they watch, and Andrew is always looking at Jeffy and Chris and I to see if we find it as funny as he does. The boys last about half an hour into the movie, and then leave to find other ventures around the house.

Normally Kadee Joy would be a major part of this story, but she was very sick today with an ear infection. A more patient big sister you will not find. Every once in a while, she will unwittingly give them therapy by interjecting an interruption into their routine, which forces them to figure out how to communicate what they want. Today she laid low and slept often, despite the disruptions her brothers sometime provided by crawling over the top of her while she slept.

Such is a typical morning with my boys. I recently spent a long weekend with my nephews, neither of whom have autism, as well as a night with the sons of a friend of mine at work. I was struck by the differences in both sets of boys from my own, and realized that mine are much, much easier than "normal" boys their age, and yet much, much more needy than "normal" boys their age. What I appreciated about both these experiences were the wonderful qualities I saw brought out of all of the boys when faced with the varying differences of their newly reacquainted playmates. And I had hope for those that my boys would meet in the future as well, knowing that they have brought out in me better qualities than I had before knowing them, and that they can and will do the same for others.

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T15:19:00.000-08:00

Jeffy looking cute.

All the cousins...Kadee Joy, Jeffy, Isaac, Ephraim, Andrew and Finnie

My cute kids.

Chris, me, Kadee, Matt, Aaron, and Dina

Me, Aaron, and Kadee

Mom taking a funny picture of Kadee and I with each other's spouse

Me, Mom, Aaron, and Kadee
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2010 was a good year. There have been a few years during the last decade that were very hard and I was glad they were over, but this year was a good one.

Last night was officially our last night of Love INC. We graduated out of the program having paid off approximately $10,000 in unsecured debt...Holy Cow! It was very sad to say goodbye to our financial counselor, Rod. He was such a source of encouragement to us, and we will miss the hour a week we were blessed by him. Kadee Joy was quite distraught that last night was her last "Ruby Group." The boys didn't really know that anything different was going on, but gave hugs when asked. A family from the community adopted our family (through Love INC) and gave us a plethora of great Christmas presents. Opening them was overwhelming, exciting, and very, very humbling. We hope to be able to bless another family in a similar way in the very near future.

Last week (and the first part of this week) we were able to make the trip over to Tillamook. My mom rented a beach house for all of us kids (and our kids) to stay in. It was a fantastic beach house that had three stories, two kitchens, 5+ bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. It also had (of course) a fantastic view of the beach, which was good since it poured so much that we were only able to actually go on the beach one time for about five minutes. We all took turns making meals, and out of it came some pretty delectable cuisine. I got called "a Wirick girl" a couple of times at church, which always makes me feel good. :) It was wonderful to be with my immediate family for such a long period of time. We were also able to see some of my dad's side of the family, which has been rarer since he died. It was also the first time we had all been together for Christmas in Tillamook since Dad died, and was indeed a very special time.

Jeffrey recently discovered how to play the computer and is almost constantly asking for "letters" which is Jeffy for starfall.com, which he loves dearly. It's funny to watch him navigate his way through the program with Andrew shouting directions at him. They have such a funny sibling relationship. There are some things that are certainly different about having children with autism...but the huge lack of arguing amongst my children is something that I very much appreciate.

Chris and I have been doing well. Chris has been having some pretty major back pain recently, which we have been able to praise God for since he was uninsured for many years and didn't start having the pain until after he got insurance through his teaching job. We're hoping that the treatment he is receiving helps to improve his pain soon.

Since my thyroid surgery, I have noticed that my energy has been much, much better, as has my appetite. I am grateful for the excellent care I received.

Kadee Joy is reading very, very well. She's in the highest reading group at school. I've started to notice the upsides and downsides of this new skill...great that she is improving so much and can read to her siblings and to me, but not so great that she can now read what programs are coming on the TV that she wants to watch before I can switch the guide.

Autism is proving to be a very difficult beast to wrestle. I kind of laugh when I read older blog posts where I seem to know everything about autism. As I watch both of my boys grow, and as we gain more and more students with the same disorder, I realize how little I know of it, its' causes, and just what the future holds. We have been able to go out to eat on a couple of occasions thanks to some very generous church members who showed appreciation for Chris during pastor appreciation month, and we have found that going out is not nearly the challenge it used to be, although certainly there are still places (i.e. the Tillamook Cheese Factory) where the large number of people, sounds, sights, and smells prove to be too much for Andrew, who will begin throwing, running, screaming, or quoting to try and alleviate some of his sensory overload issues. Jeffrey does not seem to be quite as affected by it, or at least tries to cope by snuggling more, which I'm always up for. :)

My battle with depression has been going much better over the past few months. I am on a very light dose of anti-depressant, and have been able to feel above the clouds rather than right in them or under them.

I find myself very thankful at this particular time in my life. I have three beautiful kids, a husband who loves me very much, an unexpectedly perfect pet who has been such a wonderful addition to our family, a warm and comfortable house, a job that I love, a church family who is family, and friends and family who have been loyal and true through a variety of obstacles. I am excited to see what opportunities God brings into our very blessed lives.

Life

2010-09-08T18:37:00.000-07:00

I have zero to complain about.

A few hours after I wrote my last blog, Chris interviewed for and was hired as a fourth grade teacher at an elementary school in Caldwell. The two and a half additional years of school and hard work paid off. I am so proud of him. We got the call while on our anniversary date, and it was one of the happiest moments we've had in a long time.

We now have three different school districts and their varying schedules in our household. Kadee Joy now attends my school. We didn't start her there last year. I'll admit that I was nervous about having my (sometimes stubborn) daughter in my own classroom. And since I am the music teacher, I would have her as one of my students no matter what grade she was in. But she really, really wanted to go to my school, and so I open enrolled her. I cannot begin to say what a positive change this has been for our relationship. We get so much mommy/daughter alone time before and after school, and it is always so fun to catch a glimpse of each other in the hallway. The discipline problems in my own classroom that I had worried about are non-existent, and she always cheers when I am her "specials" class for the day.

Andrew and Jeffy are now both attending the developmental preschool. I cannot begin to say how blessed we have been by their teacher. She is compassionate, loving, and so patient with our boys. It is not difficult to send them into her caring classroom. Jeffy came home from his first day explaining a need using complete sentences. "I wanna eat. I'n hungwy. I need some food!" Andrew has seemed very happy to be "going bye bye?" every morning, and both boys love getting to go back to the daycare they started last fall. It is a very loving daycare, and you can tell how good the staff there are by how comfortable my boys are in going each morning.

Chris has been tackling the challenges every first year teacher meets with professionalism and hard work. He goes in early to prepare and seeks out the advice of veteran teachers, and is just striving to be excellent in this God-given job...He makes me so proud! Thank you, Lord, for your provision in our lives!

Love INC is still going well, although it's definitely a time of transition. We didn't know how we were going to pay our first six weeks of daycare since Chris doesn't get paid till the end of September...and then a dear, close relative sent us a check that covered that bill and more...thank you, if you are reading this! God has been so, so faithful in providing for our every need and so much more. The hours I spent worrying were, of course, for nothing since God's plan was so much better than my own.

My own job is going well, and I can't help but think how blessed I am to be able to wake up each morning and fulfill God's calling on my life as a music teacher in a public school. I get to lead the school in dances every morning, and then teach every single child in the school through and about music. I LOVE MY JOB...and know how fortunate I am not just to have a job, but to wake up each morning looking forward to what I get to do. Thank you Lord for bringing me to this place, to these people, and to a time in our lives where we can sit back (at least for a few minutes) and remember that His plan is SO much better than ours.

Tribute to Chris

2010-08-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

To know Chris Tiner is to know an impressively genuine person. There are many people who could list the faults of him, but that is to be expected considering that he wears his heart on his sleeve, does not change based on who he is around, and cannot for the life of him even attempt to be someone he is not. This can make him an easy target for criticism...He is himself, much to the consternation of those who are in the business of trying to change everyone to be more like themselves.

To know Chris Tiner is to know someone who is passionate and vocal about his loves. If you have spent five minutes with him, you know he loves the greatest country on earth (Texas), all sports related or formerly related to it, and its food (Tex-Mex). You would also know that he loves people, and would be surrounded by them all the time if his introverted wife would let him. He does not love half-heartedly...he invests of himself wholeheartedly.

But I have had the privilege of knowing Chris as his wife. And today, on our ninth anniversary, I would like to share a few things about my husband that many of you may never get to see.

1) Chris is ridiculously intelligent. Chris' outgoing, fun-loving nature often produces the effect of making people think he can't possibly have been serious enough in school to do well. Of course, I won't pretend that he was always the world's best student (and he wouldn't pretend that either), but he writes beautifully, outshines me in math (much to my egotistical dismay), spells just as well if not better than I do, and unfortunately usually beats me in every trivia game. And he writes and delivers beautiful sermons...although he'd much rather tell you his testimony for a few hours. :)

2) Chris has a very clear sense of right and wrong, and lives to a standard that is consistent wherever he goes. Now if you have gotten to know Chris Tiner, he has no doubt shared his testimony with you. There was a time three and a half years ago when he traded his standard in for a lie, and that was the only time I have seen him try to be someone he was not. I can tell you that since that time, he has not wavered for a second. And he is tireless in his resolve to keep others from going down the same path he went down. He is constantly trying to "live under God's umbrella," meaning that he always wants to know God's will for his life and live in it (and under it) each moment.

3) Chris is a WONDERFUL husband. I do not wake up doubting that I am loved. I don't wake up doubting I'm beautiful. I NEVER doubt that Chris will be excited to see me and talk to me, and tell me absolutely everything that's going one, whether minor or major. I don't worry about caring for the kids all by myself. Chris is a part of everything I do. I don't have to worry about whether or not my needs or wants will be met that day because Chris is constantly trying to anticipate and fulfill them. He is as non-traditional as husbands come...he cooks, cleans, changes diapers, while also still being the handyman around the house. What is it that I do, you ask? He probably wonders the same thing. :)

4) Chris talks as much at home as he does everywhere else. Women speak 20,000 words a day, men speak 7,000 words a day? Not in my house. It's quite reversed. I rarely, rarely, rarely have to work at getting Chris to talk to me. He will drop whatever he's doing to do it. As soon as he's done with something that I wasn't able to do with him, he will call me and tell me all about it. Even if he's watching a game on TV, he will try to include me in on his thoughts. I hear that's impressive...I don't know any different.

5) As much as Chris likes to talk about his own interests, he is constantly opening himself up to learning about things that interest others. In being married to me, he has gone to great lengths to become an expert on the things that matter to me, and is always looking for things that I can watch, see, or do that involve those things.

6) Life with Chris is never, ever boring. And it hasn't been since the day he came into my life.

7) Chris is proud of me. He doesn't question my abilities. He always supports any endeavor I try. He thinks I'm attractive even in my scroungiest moments. He is my safe harbor. He is my biggest fan. His love for me is unselfish, compassionate, and encouraging. He is the man God designed specifically for me.

8) Chris is himself. If you had to, you could come up with a list of weakness and faults that go along with these wonderful qualities. And many people, sadly, seem to use most of their energy to do so. But I am so thankful to know the whole of him, and praise God for the amazing work He did in creating my Chris. I know that I've left out a huge number of more great things, but it's four in the morning, and my mind is spent.

I love you, Chris Tiner. I don't deserve you. Thank you for choosing me.

2010-07-18T15:46:00.001-07:00

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Thoughts on Love INC

2010-07-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, Love INC is a non-profit organization that works with many churches in the Treasure Valley (any many other places in the nation) to provide a variety of services for people/families in need. And when I say in need, I don't just mean financial. For more info on them (because I don't know everything they do) go to their website.

I talk to my twin sister quite often, and it seems that Love INC comes up at least two or three times during that conversation. Recently, she mentioned that I should blog about my experience with them. And so, here it is. :)

I first heard about Love INC at College Church's Living Christmas Tree. I was in the choir, and the proceeds of all the concerts were going to their organization. They had several families give their testimonies about what the organization had done for them. One family had been up to their eyeballs in credit card debt, didn't have a stable home, and were on the verge of divorce. The program had given the resources and tools to get back on their feet, pay off their debt, purchase a home, and save their marriage. I remember getting a little emotional as I heard the testimonies, but also saying to myself, "How in the world does anyone get themselves into that much debt. I'm so glad I'm so smart financially."

And of course, God heard my thoughts. :)

Three years later, Chris and I were in marital crisis, and I was severely depressed. The finances took a backseat. I had always been in charge of paying the bills and knowing how much money we had at any given time. We were without any credit card debt. In fact, the only debt we had was our mortgage and student loans, which I had always understood to be "good debt."

Fast-forward three months, and we had been able to sell our house, but at a loss of over five thousand dollars. My mom lent us the money so that we could pay the loss. Chris' dad lent us money to move to Nampa. And so we arrived at my sister-in-law's house in Nampa to live there while we were looking for another house. They were so graciously generous with us, and yet we continued to spend as though we had the same income we'd had in Washington...except that neither of us were working at the time.

Credit card debt is dangerous in many ways, but what did us in was the fact that once it got to the point where we knew we couldn't pay it off, we just sort of stopped trying to keep it under control. Thoughts like, "Well, we're already so deeply in, a $4.19 drink from Starbucks won't make that much of a difference." And these thoughts, of course, are lethal to any attempt to get debt under control and paid off.

Fast forward to 7 months ago. Our debt was ridiculous. Over $14,000 in credit card debt. I still owed my mom the money for our house. We still owed Chris' dad for the moving expenses. We had around $2000 in medical bills. And Chris had gone back to school for his teaching certification, nearly tripling his student loan debt. I was up nights just thinking about it, not having any idea how in the world we would be able to pay it off. And Chris was about to start student teaching, so we would have an additional $1000 per month in childcare expense.

And that's where Love INC came back into my life. Friends of ours from church had mentioned the New Hope Relational program that Love INC offered, which had enabled them to pay off all of their debt, and gave them the tools to reach financial stability. And it was all biblically based in it's philosophy. Chris and I had tried to get into the program a year ago, but couldn't because his teaching classes were on the same night as the program itself, and they wouldn't let us do it with just me attending the classes for the program.

So Chris made a few calls during the first week of January, and after going through a brief interview, we were invited to come to the first orientation meeting. Our first meeting was so hardcore. We were told that the program works, but only for those who make it work. We had to commit to coming to the program every single Thursday night for a year, which included meeting with a budget counselor and taking various classes. We were told that we would have to give all of our credit cards, debit card, and checks to Love INC until we were finished with the program. And before being placed with a budget counselor, we had a variety of steps that we had to complete. If we didn't complete them within two months, we would be kicked out of the program. With that being said, the program was completely free. So they were entitled to a few rules.

I left that night feeling a little frightened. But I was even more frightened of the consequences of us not doing anything about our financial situation for even one more day.

So we continued going to the preliminary classes. We were taught things like how to balance a checkbook (which I was very arrogant about knowing how to do, even though I hadn't done it in years), the difference between various kinds of debt, etc. Our assignments for the first few weeks included writing down every single purchase we made, what we made it with, and what category of purchase it fit into (entertainment, home, groceries, transportation, etc.). We also started having access to Love INC's food pantry, which provides tons of dry and canned goods to the participants of the New Hope program. They use this to help cut normal grocery expenses while we try to pay down debt. It feels a little awkward at first...but we get over that as we see just how little we can actually live on.

The second set of classes included learning the different forms we would be using with our budget counselor, including a checkbook balance sheet, a monthly payment calendar, a budget worksheet, a debt worksheet (that one was hard), and also getting a credit report. The last one was very scary, but ended up actually making us feel better...our credit score was not anywhere close to as bad as we thought it might be. It did show us all of our creditors and the amount of debt we had (which I actually hadn't been totally aware of ...on purpose, of course). For attending the classes and completing the homework assignments, we began receiving vouchers as rewards. These vouchers included gas voucher, diaper vouchers, oil change voucher, haircut vouchers...more stuff that we could use so that the money we would normally spend on them could be used to pay down debt.

Once we had all of those things together and had turned in our credit cards, debit cards, and checkbooks (again, SCARY!), we graduated into the part of the program where we were interviewed by the head of Love INC, and then assigned to a budget counselor, who we would meet with weekly.

We were assigned to Rod, a wonderful man of God who I am so thankful for. He started out just getting to know us, looking at all of our forms to make sure we knew what we were doing, and then reassuring me (after I expressed a worry that we would do something wrong inadvertently and then get kicked out of the program) that he would guide us all along the way, and that if we did something wrong because we didn't know any better, he would be the one to blame, not us.

The way the meetings go with our budget counselor is pretty simple. We meet for an hour every Thursday night. We always pray at the beginning. Then he checks to see if our receipts match up with the amount of cash we started with at the beginning of the week. We get cash figuring out what our expenses will be for that week, discussing our predictions with our budget counselor, and then getting our checkbook back for a few minutes to write a check for cash to take to the bank the next day. The cash we get is what we have to live on for that week. If we run out...too bad. We have to wait until the next Thursday. At first we budgeted a little high, but then found that we always had extra money, so kept paring down what we were spending. We started out spending approximately 100 dollars a week on gas and around 80 dollars a week on groceries. We now usually spend around 60 dollars a week on gas and 30 dollars a week on groceries.

Rod always, always, always brings us back to the word of God. Every need, praise, or prayer request is brought before God. And also, if the need is one that Love INC has the possibility of meeting, we can put a request into the program. It has so many partners or former participants across the Treasure Valley that things like car repairs can be done with minimal cost to us...and the money we would normally spend on that would once again be used to pay down debt. And about every three weeks, Rod will ask us to "sweep the account." This is where we plan out the next 6 weeks of expenses, compare it with what we will make and what we have in the bank, and take any excess and pay down our debt. And we ALWAYS HAVE EXCESS.

We now have a balanced checkbook, and always know exactly where our money is going. Our bills are completely up to date. We have obviously added nothing to our credit card debt, since we don't have our credit cards.

And since starting the program, we have paid off nearly $8000 in debt. Can you see the smile on my face in your imagination?

This is such an incredible example of the church at work. It is not just one church that contributes to and runs this program. There are so many churches and volunteers from all over the Treasure Valley who contribute. And the people who come to the program are from all walks of life. But we are all at a point where we know there is a better way to live, and simply weren't able to get there on our own.

This has been a long post, but I hope an encouraging one. For those of you who live in the Treasure Valley, or anywhere else where there is a Love INC program, I would HIGHLY encourage you to get involved. Some of you might be like Chris and I...in that stage of knowing you need help with your finances and are tired of trying to fix them on your own. Others of you might have things to donate, or time to volunteer. But I can tell you, from personal experience, it is a life changing program, and one that IS making a difference in people's lives. Please be in prayer for this ministry, and give God praise with me for the wonderful people He put in our lives through it. If you have any more questions about it, feel free check out the website, or e-mail me if you would like prayer for your particular situation.

Praise God for the great work He is doing through His people!

Strides

2010-07-02T06:44:00.000-07:00

Summer has proved to be what it usually is...a time of rest (daily naps, woo-hoo!), a time of reconnecting (I thought I knew my kids...I'm finding out their depths are as endless as my own), and a time of reorganizing (for those of you who know me well, I know the last one is hard to believe).

It has, at times, been rather lonely. I find that when Chris leaves town, fewer people can or want to hang out, so I have many more hours alone with my kids than I am used to. This is not necessarily a bad thing, since so much of the school year is spent apart, but it has pushed me into a few moments of self doubt about this particular time in my life. This is where the time for reorganizing and reconnecting with my kids comes back in.

In the time spent with my kids, I've discovered quite a few things.

Kadee Joy: really never can have "too much" attention. I used to view this as a bad thing. I still struggle with it, but then just realize that she is simply designed this way, and it serves her well in new social situations. I'm afraid she really does get the raw end of the deal in having not one, but two brothers with special needs. She is the one that we depend on for normalcy, and whom we expect the most out of. She really is so good to her brothers, and has such a funny little personality. Mommy and Daddy dates mean the world to her, as do getting to go over to other people's houses. She recently told some friends of ours "Come over if you get bored!" She always wants people around. Sound like anyone else we know? :)

Andrew: had really hit a wall, developmentally. He had also regressed in his communication and had begun having almost hourly meltdowns that consisted of the most wretched screams I have ever heard, although they were probably more wretched to me because I am his mother. It's hard to tell what exactly triggered them...he could be at home, in his comforts zone, or he could be in very crowded public places. He could be well rested, or he could be tired. He could be full, or he could be hungry. Vacation Bible School raised my concerns dramatically when he couldn't even attend 3 out of the 5 nights because he had had such rough days that we knew he would have to spend the entire time separated from all of his peers, and placed in the nursery. And four year olds do not belong in the nursery.

So on Monday, I took him to his semi-annual autism doctor's appointment, and after describing the consistency and type of his behavior, we decided to go the medication route. I had hoped to avoid it. Chris had reservations about it, knowing that Andrew was not deciding to be medicated, but rather being forced.

The first day on it, Andrew was a zombie. He fell asleep for three hours (during the day) and then kept asking to go to sleep. It was completely atypical Andrew behavior.

The second day, still mostly a zombie. He layed down on the couch on his own, and once again took a three hour nap and had very little energy for the rest of the day.

Then the third day came, and I noticed that the screaming had gone done from multiple times in an hour to only a few times during the entire day.

And then the zoo trip came. That was yesterday. He was not in a stroller, was surrounded by people (including the group of youth we had taken with us) and did not have his usual comforts (blanket and sippy cup). And he did SO WELL. He didn't run. He held our hands the entire time (which he can usually only tolerate for about 30 seconds). He showed great interest in the animals, many of which he labeled properly. And I'm fairly sure if he did scream, it was only one or two times, and it was never very loud. It was a good day. :)

Jeffy: This little boy seems to amaze everyone who comes in contact with him. He's so smart. Yesterday, Chris and I were watching the West Wing and he had snuck out of bed for what must have been the sixth time that night. When the opening music came on, he started conducting it. Every single rhythmic and melodic change was noted by his gracefully moving arms. It was CRAZY, but so cool. He also did extremely well at VBS, and was able to stay with his peers the entire time, and loved doing all the movements to the music.

He has been climbing like crazy, jumping like crazy, running all over the place, all of which he was nowhere near being able to do last summer. He goes to a developmental therapy group for 2 1/2 hours once a week, and the therapists always sing his praises when we pick him up. He's still working on interacting with his peers...he relates to objects, letters, and numbers much more easily...so we continue to try and get him into as many social situations as Andrew will allow. Hopefully that number will grow.

And then there's Chris and I. I don't know if anyone else finds this to be true, but the summertime can bring out both the best and the worst in the lives of married couples because you have so much more time together than usual. Chris and I are so different from each other, and this always is more pronounced during the summer time, since both of us are at home so much more often.

I have been struggling with the respect issue. Any other women struggling with that in regards to their husbands? I find this to be particularly difficult after Chris has been gone for a little bit. I become master of my home domain, and then he comes back and I still want to rule all. :)

I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the fact that I have grown up my whole life knowing, and being told, that I could do anything I wanted to do. I have always been captain of my own fate, spiritually, educationally, career-wise...

Then marriage comes along, and so much of what they teach in the church is subjection to a husbands decisions and plans, and respect for him as the head of the household. And this seems to totally contradict what I as an independent woman have learned and experienced in the world outside of marriage. I find myself wanting to voice my own opinion as being the superior one CONSTANTLY. I find the role of a wife just plain old HARD in so many ways.

And yet, as a Christian and student of the Word of God, I know that He has called me to something else. To something harder, more against nature perhaps...but so much of my natural instincts are so wrong, and so hurtful. And I see what my attitude of disrespect does to my husband. I see the pain, and know how hurtful it is to him.

So, in this blog on strides, I would ask you to pray for me, as a wife called to something higher in Christ. I would ask for you to pray that my heart would be changed and my mind renewed to that of Christ's.

I want to be a woman with Christ living through her, more than trying to meet the double standards that this world has set up in regards to the many roles I now find myself in. And by the way, in case you didn't know, my husband is WORTH it. He takes such good care of me in so many extraordinary ways that most wives would be amazed to see in their own husbands. This is what makes the struggle so sad...I don't have a mean, obnoxious, chauvinistic, abusive husband...I have a wonderfully kind and really unique husband who is very desirous of my time with him.

Prayers needed! But so many praises as well.

Abi-girl

2010-06-07T10:03:00.001-07:00

So we have a new addition to our family. This is Abby, and she is SUCH a good girl. Kadee Joy started calling her "Abigirl" instead of Abigail, which I think is pretty cute, so we all end up calling her that throughout the day.

Miss Abby came to us after much praying and searching. We've been considering getting a dog for quite a while, mostly for Andrew. He (as well as most children with autism) connects with animals far more easily than with humans, and we have seen him just light up when around dogs. I've been scanning humane society websites, ads in the newspaper, craigslist, putting out emails to my church and school district looking for the perfect dog for our family. A few times, I thought I'd come close, but God had much better plans for us.

Last Wednesday I was doing my usual look at the craigslist adds for dogs that were being re homed and I found an intriguing title. "Abby-babby-bo-babby, banana fanna, fo-fabby!"

I figured anyone who used a song to introduce their dog was a good sign. So I looked and found a BEAUTIFUL four year old yellow lab looking at me (via picture of course). She was house trained, said to be very gentle, and a great family dog (including allowing their toddler to sit on her head). Her family was being stationed overseas, so they needed to find a good home for her.

So I e-mailed them, and then couldn't wait for the reply so called the number. It turned out the Miss Abby came from a very unique family...which included a four year old with autism! (He's the one who would sit on her head) They were willing to waive the re-homing fee if the perfect family came along, and we agreed that we would indeed be the perfect family. We brought the info to our budget counselor at Love INC who felt that God had indeed lined this dog up for us. So the next day, Chris and the kids went to Mountain Home and picked her up. I'm pretty sure that for Chris it was love at first. I called within a few minutes after I knew he would have picked her up, and he was smitten. Andrew had been melting down as they picked Abby up, but as soon as she came into the van he calmed down and giggled at his new doggy.

Since coming home she has been WONDERFUL. Andrew has been all over her, and she is very patient with him, having not even so much as growled. Jeffy likes her too, especially when she barks at the garbage man (this sends him into hysterical giggles). Kadee Joy loves her Abi-girl too, and is very good at picking on our clues of how to get her to go outside, lay down, sit, etc.

Miss Abby has so far been a wonderful addition to our family, and we are so grateful to God for his timing in bringing her to us.

"I became a complaining person."

2010-05-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

This blog has been a few weeks in the making. I actually meant to write it as soon as I got back from my church's women's retreat, but then life took over and I didn't do until now.

I went up to retreat on a scholarship...I went up without having to pay for the gas to get there because I carpooled. I didn't bring any cash with me...we're in the financial program I've talked about before, and since my meals were included in my scholarship, Chris didn't really think I needed to take any extra money. Note how "Chris" didn't really think I needed it...

The friend who was so graciously taking me up there stopped to get something to eat on the way up. It was at Subway, a place I normally wouldn't be able to get much at anyway, and I'd already eaten a full dinner before I came. But the smell of the bread brought on the Pavlovian effect it usually does, and my heart was bitter with my husband for not giving me any cash to buy whatever with. And I'm pretty sure I mentioned this to my gracious friend while she and her sister ate.

Then the topic of coffee cards came up for discussion. Coffee cards go with the small coffee bar that is located at the retreat center, and husbands or friends can purchase them for someone going to retreat before hand. If you know me, you know my love for coffee, and I became embittered again as I KNEW there would be no coffee cards waiting there for me, and I would have no money to purchase them.

We got to the retreat center late that night. We got all of our stuff put away, including the stuff that had been waiting for us when we got there. We had a pretty fun night of games, but I was tired and went to bed early (or at least, early for retreat). The earplugs they provided worked very well and I woke up quite refreshed.

As I was getting ready that morning, another friend asked me if I wanted her to get me some coffee. I was determined not to be whiney, so I said no. Apparently my whininess extended from my heart into my tone of voice, because she asked if I had any coffee cards. I said no. So then she asked if I had check the pad of paper I'd been given when I'd first arrived at retreat...I hadn't. She told me that if someone had given me one, it would be in there, but if I didn't have one, she would buy me one. She was so nice about it, but I declined. I knew that there would be coffee in the dining hall at breakfast and I was starting to feel like a schmuck. After she left to go down and get coffee, and sprinted over to my bag and checked my pad of paper...Lo and behold, someone had anonymously bought me a coffee card, and there it was! I was so humbled, and I quickly offered a word of thanks to God .

After breakfast, we went up for our second session with our speaker. I had missed the first session because we had arrived after it had finished, but was intrigued by the title of this session. Something about, "Manna again, Lord?" It was worded better than that, but I knew enough of the story to have my heartstrings tugged a little bit.

We had wonderful worship in song, and then we moved onto the message. I would quote it word for word, but sufficeth to say it was on complaining, and how we as Christians are currently modeling what the Israelites did in the desert when God was bringing them to the promised land. He was consistently providing for their NEEDS, and they consistently complained about their WANTS. And our speaker uttered one phrase that really struck my heart: "I became a complaining person." Holy cow, was I convicted...I could have spoken the words myself and they would have been perfectly true. She talked about how entitled most people in the church feel, and how we complain when all the things we feel entitled to don't happen.

We have a wonderful opportunity for quiet time with God, and this retreat is up in McCall so I took my time outside. It was a GORGEOUS day. I mean gorgeous. McCall is up in the woods, and we were at this beautiful camp that was covered in snow, but it was not too cold and was very sunny. So I sat outside in the sun, and went through the questions our speaker had asked us to ponder. One of the first ones asked what things we felt entitled to.

I wrote a few things down, and then a few more, and pretty soon my list of things I felt entitled to took up several pages. I felt entitled to be able to have and spend as much money as I wanted to when I wanted to, especially as it concerned food and clothing. I felt entitled to have normal, well-behaved children. I felt entitled to be respected. I felt entitled to have Chris do most of the work, and yet for him to expect very little of me, even though he is the one who works three jobs. I felt entitled to have a perfect marriage. I felt entitled to come home to a perfectly clean house with all the yardwork done and have my children and husband completely joyful at my return...

Is the list starting to sound ridiculous? It certainly did as I wrote them down. But I realized that while they sounded ridiculous on paper, they had been part of my thinking for years. And if anything I felt entitled to didn't happen, I complained about them. And I complained loudly, and very often, especially at home and at work.

And this was my witness? This was my cry to the world on how Christ was working in my life?

The next question asked which of the entitlements I had listed were things I felt God asking me to surrender. That was easy...all of them. So I took my list and went for a walk on the snow covered field. It was even warmer out there, with the sun reflecting off of the snow. I spread my arms out wide and began giving my entitlements over God. One of the things that our speaker had mentioned was having our hearts changed so that when our first physical inclination was to complain, we should instead replace it with reminding God of our trust in Him. As I walked around the field, I kept whispering, "I trust you, Lord. I trust you." And I gave Him back my boys, who I'd felt entitled to be healthy and normal. And I gave Him back my marriage, knowing that he had a plan far better than my own. And I gave Him back my husband and praised Him for the transformation I have seen in him, and how wonderful he is. I kept giving things up, and God replaced them with peace and thanksgiving in my heart. IT WAS WONDERFUL, and it was so freeing. I began to see how much I had to be thankful for, and how consistently God provides for our every need..and our wants sometimes too. :)

The rest of the weekend was fantastic, and God showed His power time and time again. Coming back down, I felt like a brand new person.

It has been three weeks since retreat. My time since retreat has gone back and forth, depending on the choice I make in how to react to situations. I am still placing my trust in God, knowing that He has provided for us in everything so far, and that He will continue to do so. I am so thankful for everything He has given me, and am continuing to pray that Christ will live through me.

Spring Breakin' It

2010-04-01T09:11:00.001-07:00

We're half way through Spring Break, and I am already looking forward to summer. It has been such a nice few days of relaxation, cooking, baking, playing, cleaning, and it feels like I'm getting to know my kids all over again.

Kadee Joy goes back and forth between amazing mother hen instincts and little girl tantrums...which makes sense since she's in kindergarten. She is so funny. She loves to entertain us ALL THE TIME.

Andrew has been showing us a little bit of imaginary play, which is HUUUUUUGE for him. Yesterday he was playing Lucifer the Cat...Kadee Joy kept saying "Lucifer, come HERE!" and Andrew would crawl over to her on all fours. :) He has been a very good boy, except for the 10 minute tantrum he had when he couldn't express what he wanted. I decided to take that opportunity to give him a haircut. He HATES haircuts. Hates them with a passion. But, since he was already in a bad mood, I figured I might as well make the most of it. Some spots are missed, and some are shorter than they should be, but you try cutting the hair off a constantly spinning, thrashing object, and I doubt you'll do better. :)

Mister Jeffrey has been so fun over this break. He's taken to wearing hats, and if he's not wearing a hat, he's putting a hat on someone who doesn't have one. He also has developed an obsession with water bottles. I'll give him a tiny little bit in a water bottle, which he will then jump up and down about (spilling some of it) and then will drink the rest. He then asks for more wa-wa, and the cycle continues. He's been labeling EVERYTHING, and has figured out a complicated little toy phone that asks him to identify numbers, colors, and shapes, so that has been on pretty much all of break as well. He loves to watch me cook, which I've been doing a lot of, so Jeffy and Mommy have been getting a lot of bonding time.

Love INC has helped us to see that we really shouldn't be spending any money on entertainment or unnecessary travel, so we've mostly been at home. It's been wonderful. Chris has been getting some much needed downtime from two of his three jobs. He had a guys overnighter last night, so is a little tired today. I had a girls overnighter on Friday of last week which was extremely fun. The youth in our group are such awesome people.

We've been able to do some fun hanging out with family and friends as well. Mom was here last week, and while I'm sure it was not much of a vacation for her, she was so helpful in getting our house reorganized and cleaned up. It was nice to wake up on the first morning of Spring Break and not be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of housework needing to be done...because it already was. The kids of course loved having her here as well. Miss Thing and Mom got into it several times...I'm pretty sure it's because they're so much alike. Mom of course loves her grandboys, and was always up for snuggling, hugs, and kissies. She was able to fill in our clothes gap also, so we should be nicely decked out for Easter.

Settler's of Catan has been our primary activity whenever one or more additional adults happen to show up. I love that game. :)

Tomorrow night we have a Good Friday service, Saturday we have a big Eggstravaganza at our church, and then Sunday is the best day of the entire Holy Year, in my opinion. I remember three years ago when the Resurrection came early...What a wonderful reminder of the infinite power of God to heal, grow, and even resurrect.

2 in 110

2010-03-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

Jeffy was diagnosed with autism on Monday, February 22nd.

This diagnosis was totally different than Andrew's diagnosis. With Andrew's diagnosis of autism, I felt almost a sense of relief that I was right in thinking there was something wrong.

With Jeffrey, having already been in the difficult process of raising a child with autism, I kept hoping that the reasons for his huge physical and communicative delays would be something else...ANYTHING else. I remember even saying that to our pediatrician six months ago when she red-flagged Jeffy for an autism screening; "I just don't want it to be autism."

But the doctor was able to diagnose Jeffy even more easily than the other doctor who had diagnosed Andrew. Jeffy's savant skill of reading mixed in with his other delays made it easy. His inconsistent hearing, his echolalia, his delay in motor skills, his extreme independent play...yeah, it was an easy diagnosis. "Does he do this? Does he ever do this?"....yes, he spins, yes he flaps, yes he sings and quotes movies that have nothing to do with the current conversation, no he cannot answer or ask "wh" questions, no he does not seem aware of personal space, no he is not able to read facial expressions, well, actually he knows all of his alphabet, lower case and upper case, and can identify his numbers 1-14..., no he doesn't use imaginary play...

So while it makes sense that this is Jeffy's individual diagnosis, the part I am struggling with the most is that I have two boys with autism. My "normal" daughter is the exception to the rule of my children.

Does this sound hopeless, pessimistic, etc?

Forgive me if it does. It's not that I've given up on my boys.

I was just still battle weary from the ongoing first war. I am now fighting a two front war, and it is utterly exhausting.

Does anyone really read these?

2010-01-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

I know I personally read some blogs religiously, but it's such a funny thing to be the author of one...I really do wonder sometimes if anyone knows or cares what's going on in my little head. It's been a while since I've updated, but this three day weekend I find myself with an opportunity to do it, so here it goes.

I think probably the main reason I haven't written for awhile is because my oft-fought battle with depression has been raging again. I know that some of you might be thinking, "I thought she was done with that..." Don't worry, I was hoping to be done with it as well. I had a switch in medication a few months ago, and while the side effects I'd been trying to get rid of did indeed go away, my overall mood changed to increasingly, well, moody. :) Depression, so far anyway, is more of an ocean to me, not a cup of water...it comes in waves, and is not finished in one sitting.

I found that most of the time, after I would come home from work, my brain would be pretty cloudy (there's actually a term in circles of people with depression called "brain fog"...totally makes sense to me). In fact, my overall cycle of living would be: motivated in the morning, fatigued in the afternoon, and pretty well down and without energy in the evening. This proved particularly difficult as I would be at work during my "good" time of day and at home during my down (both physical and emotional) time of day.

Starting in December, after a long and depressed November, I got back into personal counseling, which I hadn't been in since first moving back to Nampa. Starting with my first session, I started digging down deep and shared things I've rarely shared with anyone else. And in that sharing, it became pretty obvious that I have lived a fairly consistent cycle of guilt, anxiety, stress, and despair. And each of those would, in turn, lead to shutdown and unresolved anguish that I carry around have been carrying around for a very long time.

I have been looking for the safety that I remember from childhood for a very long time. I have been looking for the unchanging and unconditional love that my dad showed for me when he was alive. I have been downtrodden by the vast number of ways I feel I don't measure up, which includes how I am relating to those close to me. I have been fighting a losing battle with all the things I should be doing.

And in counseling, and through an inordinate number of people and messages, I have realized that I have ignored the truth that I have known in my head since childhood...that the safety, peace, and unconditional love I seek is what God so desperately wants to provide me. There really is NOTHING that I could do to make Him love me more...or, in my case, love me less. God sees me as valuable, as good enough, and wonderful just as I am. He sees me as beautiful, as intelligent, and as worthy of being loved. And He has already taken those things that I continue to try and carry...and wants to take the things I am continuing to collect. One night, while laying on my bed, I just had it out with God...Sobbing, I asked Him to find me good enough as I was. And He did, and does...Isn't that fantastic?

Jeffrey is going into the autism doctor in February. He was red-flagged in August for missing a number of developmental milestones, and his obsession with letters and numbers has started to become a problem since he isn't able to see past them if they're on toys. We don't know what the diagnosis will be. There's a condition known as hyperlexia that his therapists seem to think fit him pretty well...but it is possible that both of our boys will have autism as a part of their lives. I even managed to take that...producing two beautiful boys with autism spectrum disorder...as a sign of flaw in me as their mother, which traveled back into the cycle of guilt and despair.

But God made my beautiful boys too...and finds them even more valuable and precious than I do, which is simply extraordinary to me. And knowing how I feel about them reinforces the sheer power of His love for me.

Chris has officially started student teaching. This means that all three of our kids are in daycare (except when Kadee Joy and Andrew are at school). We had quite the time trying to find a daycare that would be able to get our kids from school, as well as being affordable...and being a place where our kids actually wanted to go, and where we feel comfortable enough sending them there. We were able to find a place the Friday before Chris started, and they have been wonderful. It's been nice to have all of us be so busy, in a funny way. We're praying that there will be a teaching job when Chris finishes his student teaching. Pray along with us, will you?

We've also started the LOVE Inc financial program. Our finances have been one of those areas that have sat on the top of my conscience, and have been particularly good at adding to my anxiety and guilt. So starting LOVE Inc has been humbling, but so relieving...we don't have to carry it alone anymore.

If it seems to you that I come to funny, obvious God realizations every other blog, I probably do. I think that's how God works though...He is constantly revealing Himself in new and powerful ways...provided we give Him the time to do it. :)

Fall

2009-10-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

I couldn't think of any more creative title.

So after my last whine-fest I wanted to make this one good. I don't know that I will live up to that wish, but I will try.

This has been an interesting time in the Tiner household. Two short weeks after I had "the swine" my kids all had cases of it. Or at least, they had a number of symptoms that were close enough to them that they were asked to stay home from school. Andrew was out for a solid two weeks, while Kadee Joy was kept at home for just one. They all seem to be back to normal now, and we're very glad to be on this side of it.

After being on a waiting list for nine months, Jeffy finally got in to see the geneticist. The geneticist ordered a battery of tests to be done, and on his evaluation listed several possible syndromes or diseases that Jeffy could have. After a couple of weeks of waiting, we got the results back...His DNA looks good! (as well it should...have you seen us? :) He has one more test that we're waiting on. I'm very glad everything came back looking normal. I do, however, still wish that we knew why he has so many medical problems.

My hair is changing often these days. I went to a new salon and came back with group of colors which many people liked a lot...but which really wasn't me. So after six weeks, I took the plunge and tried to make it all one color. But in order to do that I had to go dark brown, since one of my many colors was dark brown and I didn't want to risk going all Anne of Green Gables and ending up with green hair. I really like it. I also have bangs now, which I also really like (after not having them for 17 years). The downside to all these hair changes is that I inevitable have the not too with it student who will ask (weeks afterwards), "Why did you dye your hair, Mrs. Tiner", to which I really don't have a good answer yet.

My mom came and visited last weekend and we had a great time hanging out, shopping, and catching up. My daughter bawled after she left...she misses her Bomma.

I had my first program of the year, which went pretty well, and I have another one coming up on Veteran's Day. Programs drive me crazy, but their an important part of my job.

I've been making a more conscious effort to work with my kids and have seen great improvements. Jeffy now knows his colors (of course) to go along with his letters (uppercase and lowercase), numbers, and a few shapes. Kadee Joy is making good gains on sight words, and recently got glasses! She failed her 5 year old vision test miserably, having inherited her daddy's lazy left eye. So we took her to the pediatric opthamologist who confirmed the lazy eye and gave her a prescription for glasses. We went back today and found that the glasses are helping, but if they haven't corrected her vision more drastically in the next six weeks she will need to get an eyepatch. Arrrrrrr!

Andrew is struggling a bit this year in both preschool and Sunday School. I'm not really sure why...We have our parent teacher conferences for both Kadee Joy and Andrew next week, and hopefully we can get a better idea then. His IEP was mailed to us this week, and it was a bit discouraging to hear the large number of ways he is behind his peers. But oh, how we love our boy. Please pray that we will find additional ways of helping him.

Chris and I are having fun being married, parenting, and leading the senior high youth group at our church. I am so amazed at the man God has changed Chris into. He is so exceptional at what he does. I thank God for the second chances He gives us all, and for the ways He has opened my eyes to the wonderful person I am married to.

Chris is headed to the church and needs the laptop, so I'll finish. Above are some fun pictures my mom took during her visit here.

Quarantine and Isolation

2009-10-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

Swine flu sucks. Just so you know. I made fun of it when it first hit...I'm really not sure why, looking back.

It all started on Monday. I woke up feeling fantastic, went to work, did the morning exercises, and had a great morning. My associate next door wasn't feeling too good, but I felt great.

And then that afternoon I started sneezing. And then I started feeling tired. And then I started coughing.

On Tuesday I felt so bad that I laid down down on the couch in the staff lounge during most of my lunch break. I felt better that afternoon, which I attributed to a dose of Tylenol Cold/Cough that I'd taken in the morning.

Wednesday proved to be even harder, and I literally had to stand against the wall and try not to fall asleep. I felt extremely tired, achy, and just couldn't seem to muster up much energy. I went into the nurse's office after laying on the couch for another lunch break. She took my temp and I had a low grade fever. There were only two hours left of school by the time she took it, so I decided just to struggle it out. My afternoon classes were nice to me, and then I came home. My fever stuck around and I spent the night in bed. I realized that I probably shouldn't go in the next day, but was a little torn since both that day (Thursday) and the next day (Friday) were state inservice days and the DO had already asked that no one else take those days off since we were over our sub limit.

So I called my administrator that night and let her know that I had a fever. She told me that I was definitely to stay home the next day if I still had it. So I called my librarian friend to see if my classes could just go to her, and she was great about it. So Thursday was taken care of.

Thursday came and I did not improve...in fact, I felt much worse. The aches from the previous days had turned into all out pain and my fever kept me in a constant state of being either extremely hot or extremely cold. My kids knew that I was home and didn't understand why I couldn't hang out with them. After lunch, I went out into the living room to hang out with them, although I barely had the strength to walk from my bedroom to the couch.

Thursday night, I had the decision to make of whether or not I would go back to work the next day. My fever was still present, and I still felt horrible, but I didn't want my school to have to do all the inconvenient changes my absence would cause. So I decided to go to the doctor (Quick Care) right before the office closed just to see what they thought.

My fever had dropped, but apparently my other symptoms were concerning enough for them to do the HORRIBLE Influenza swab they have to do to see if you actually have it. Ten minutes later, the doctor came back in. Positive for Influenza A...and 99.9% of all those positive for Influenza A actually have H1N1...swine flu. I was not to go back to work (or out in public) until I had been fever free for 24 hours (without the aid of a fever reducer). And I was to be quarantined in my bedroom, and restrict any interaction with my family. They were also not to leave the house (as much as possible).

Well, that explained a lot. So I called my administrator who obviously told me that I was to follow the doctor's orders. My friend once again was very gracious in taking my classes, and my colleagues at school covered my other duties. The next morning I received a phone call from our school nurse who asked permission to let the rest of the staff know what I had and what symptoms they were to look for, and that everyone who ends up with it is to report it to her. I became the first official H1N1 case at our school. Yippee! The thing that nags at me is that I'm sure I had it while I was feeling so ill at school. I am hoping against hope that no one else gets it...

I have been in Isolation/under Quarantine for 24 hours (at home for 48 hours) and it is not nearly as fun as you might think. Number one, I feel horrible. I can easily see how H1N1 could really destroy someone with a low immune system. It just sucks the life out of you, and sleep helps little because you just wake up drenched in sweat and can't breathe because of the respiratory part of the virus. The only good I can see out of it is that I don't have the vomiting part of it. That would be horrible, horrible, horrible.

Number two, every once in a while I'll hear a quiet little knock on a door followed by a heart-wrenching "Mommy? Mommy?!" My kids know I'm in here, but the younger two obviously have no idea why they can't be in here. Andrew keeps trying to sneak in to come and snuggle. If anything, the actual diagnosis has helped to silence that little voice in the back of my head that asks "Could it really hurt if I was with them for just a little bit?" And while Kadee Joy understands that I'm sick, she doesn't really get the seriousness of what would happen if she or her brothers got it.

Jeffrey has already had auto-immune stuff...he's just not a strong guy. I worry about him getting it. I worry about my whole family getting it, but him especially. So if you could, please pray for the protection of my family. They can't leave to get away from it, so it's kind of chancy either way.

Chris has had an enormously difficult task in caring for me, the kids, and disinfecting the house as best he can. He has been so good about it, but I can tell he's running low on energy. And he has to be the bad guy who keeps the kids away from Mommy. And he can't leave the house either. Supposedly by Sunday afternoon, we'll be okay, as long as the kids don't show symptoms, although the virus can rear it's ugly head anywhere from 7-24 days after infecting someone.

I made the mistake of posting my question of whether or not I had H1N1 on Facebook. Not that anyone was rude or anything, but it's probably not something that all 200 of my "friends" need to know about. Of course, now I'm blogging about it, so my ethics are all mixed up:) So I took it off, and decided to take a break from Facebook, which is kind of tough because there are so many people joking about Swine Flu on it and others wondering if they should get the vaccine. I understand why people joke (obviously I did), but it really is pretty horrible, and would be much worse if it infected a large portion of a family, church, or school. I'm really hoping that my own quarantine proves to be somewhat effective...not that I would be able to go anywhere right now anyway, but I really don't want others to get this. As far as the vaccine goes, if it were able to actually keep people from getting it without having really horribly adverse side effects, I'd be for it. I just don't know if anyone knows enough about it right now to actually be able to promise that.

So there it stands. Every once in a while I get a call, which is nice (as long as I'm awake), but generally I'm just shut up in my room, watching the Office, sleeping, or trying to eat something. I also listen to my kids, and wish that I could step in and comfort them when they cry, or try to relieve Chris when more than one them needs something at the same time.

I know I probably sound like a whiner, but really I'm just kind of dumbfounded by the irony of being infected by something I found so funny. And of course, it's really, really not funny. Not even a little bit.

A Nyquil Induced Inward Gaze

2009-08-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting night last night. I've been on Nyquil for the past 3 nights. This has resulted in approximately 12-14 hours of sleep every night. I know...I'm jealous of myself, too. Chris is a pretty rare husband. At least, I think he is. If I'm sick, or just having a rough night, he will just let me go to bed as early as I want to and will get the kids all ready for bed and put them down. And he's been doing that since last Friday because that's when I started to get sick.

But back to Nyquil...the runny, stuffy nose started in three nights ago, and thus the Nyquil. Nyquil has not been a part of my life for about five years. You're not supposed to have it when you're pregnant or breastfeeding, thus me not being able to do it in about five years.

So Nyquil became my dear friend and enabled me to get some much needed sleep. But of course, it brought along with it some truly bizarre dreams. Of course, my antidepressant has been giving me quite violent dreams for the last two years, and I always remember them the next morning. So in a sense, the bizarre is preferable.

Last night, one of the dreams (I say one, because I had three) took me back to my freshman year of college. I attended a college in Kirkland, WA...obviously did not stay there because I met and married Chris while attending and, later, graduating from NNU.

It was a very, very unpleasant year in real life. It brought out my worst insecurities and I had them publicized and criticized. I had my back stabbed on a few occasions, could not make close friends, and had a very, very sad social life. Academically I aced everything, but only because I literally had nothing better to do. I came back home from that place a very broken, disillusioned person.

I would like to say that NNU made up for it, but unfortunately I took hold of my future and early on made some of the worst decisions of my life. I look back now and am saddened at the opportunities (both socially and academically) that I didn't take advantage of. I look back and feel regret. And not regret as in I wish I could just leave the life I have and start over...but I just wish I had known then what I know now. And maybe deep down I did...and just chose to ignore it.

And so while my dream started back in my freshman year of college, my mind (once awake) looked over the course of those difficult, nearly mind breaking years and wondered how I survived them.

And now here I am...Thirty years old, married, three kids, and a steady job.

And yet for some reason I still don't feel like I have it together. Does that make sense? I feel like I still have a rather large and ever-lengthening list of things I should be, and of areas that I should be better at. I sometimes view the faces of of people I went to college with and think to myself, "They look like they have it together. They look like their kids are well behaved, that their marriage is going great and that they've had easy times since the beginning, that they probably don't have any debt, that their house is immaculate and well decorated, that their yard probably is weeded and mowed on a daily basis, that they..." and the list goes on.

Because for some reason, upon waking in the midst of the Nyquil haze, it seemed to me that those were the things that determined success in life. And to be honest, I don't think it's a bad list.

But God was so gracious in immediately reminding me that while I may struggle with some (okay ALL) of those areas at one time or another, He has a picture of what He would like me to be like...and the list is much more about what He can accomplish in me, rather than an overwhelming list of what I think everyone else (and even myself) are looking for in me in order to call my life successful.

So once again, I turn myself and my tendency to focus on what feels impossible standards over to my Heavenly Father who loves me. He loves me more than I love my kids...and He loves them more than I do too. He loves me more than my abundantly loving husband does too...and will continue to bless our struggling little family as long as we continue to place ourselves in His much more capable hands.

For I am convinced that my worth is in much more than just the superficiality of a clean house (although it would be nice to have it :), children who will behave everywhere regardless of whether or not they have had naps (because my kids are awesome in so many other ways), or some sort of illusion that those on Facebook are somehow more perfect than I am (because none of us are )...and that by placing myself in His hands, I can become the absolute best that He has created me to be. And the great thing is, I don't know what I will become yet, but I know that what I will become will be far, far better because the Artist of my life has a far great vision of what I shall become in His Care.

Celebrations

2009-08-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

We've had a very busy few weeks in our family. Miss Kadee Joy turned five years old at the end of July. Naturally, we had to do our traditional trip to Red Robin. She LOVES getting sung to. LOVES it. And has loved it since she turned one all those years ago.

We took a trip to Tillamook at the end of that week. Kadee Joy's dearest wish was to see her Canadian cousins, so we did. It was a crazy trip, being just me and the kids, but it was good to see them and my mom.

The 8th of this month was a busy day with it being Jeffy's 2nd birthday and my 30th. Ugh. Chris planned a fantastic surprise party which included all the guests (and me) dressing like characters out of a book, lots of fantastic food, many of my dear friends, and of course...lots of trivia games. My husband knows me so well. I dressed like a flapper, representing Daisy Buchanan from "The Great Gatsby." Good times.

Jeffy and Kadee's joined parties with family will be coming...soon...So it's really hard to have a child born on the same day as you. Just so you know. :) He didn't really get a party last year. How different the third child is from the first child in terms of party craziness.

And then yesterday was Chris and I's EIGHTH anniversary. We started the day by watching our wedding video, which is always bittersweet. It's so fun to see us so young and excited, but tough to see the people who have passed since that day. Dad, Grandpa McCoy, Sue, Grandpa Phil...we miss you, and cannot wait to see you again in the life after this.

After we packed up the kids stuff and I packed with the instructions that we would not be staying the night at the house. So we dropped the kids off at the Paz house in Boise, and then Chris drove me just a mile or two away to...the Anniversary Inn! I have wanted to go there since I first heard about its existence shortly after we were married and this was my first time there. We stayed in the French Canopy Room which was BEAUTIFUL and included a waterfall shower, jacuzzi, and was just completely romantic.

Right after we dropped our stuff off, we cleaned up for dinner. Chris took me to an Italian restaurant in downtown Boise, "Asiago's". I had this crazy pumpkin gnocchi with a lingonberry sauce and it was terrific. During dinner, Chris passed me a small box with a red bow on it, and inside was a beautiful white gold ring with seven tiny beautiful diamonds. When we got married, we had only gotten a ring that stood by itself (no attachment for when we got married), so this was the attachment we'd never gotten. I was so floored by it, and so happy...I know it sounds silly and shallow, but it made me feel even more married.

After that, we went back to the Anniversary Inn, where we ordered room service, and Chris whipped out the BBC/A&E version of Pride and Prejudice. We watched this until I fell asleep. And of course I left out other details. :)

The only remotely questionable moment hit when I heard Chris unzipping the pillows in the middle of the night. They were made of down...Oops. Chris has a pretty severe down allergy which causes him to be unable to breathe, so I was very relieved that he figured it out before his reaction got too bad.

The next morning we finished Pride and Prejudice while eating a yummy breakfast in bed. Then we got to experience the waterfall shower which I am very interested in installing in our house. :)

We left five minutes before they would have kicked us out, and headed to Chris' last surprise...lunch in downtown at Le Cafe de Paris which I would HIGHLY recommend to anyone who has not tried it yet. It was absolutely delightful. I ordered the soup du jour, a Scallop and Bacon soup that was surprisingly low in sodium and a house salad. The salad had to get traded after I discovered the dressing had large chunks of salt, but the garden greens and vinegar and oil that came back was just as good, and much better for my ears and equilibrium.

I also got a nice basket of sliced baguette and seriously the best iced tea I have ever had. It was a great end to a fantastic time away. My husband did such a good job with the planning and literally arranged everything in such a way as to show me how much more he loves and knows me since the beginning of our eight years together. I love you, Chris Tiner!

O Summer...Where Hast Thou Gone?

2009-08-04T07:44:00.000-07:00

At the end of this last school year, I was so burned out, so ready to be done. Perhaps it was too many early morning committee and staff meetings (of which I'll blame myself having signed up for them). Or maybe it was being called "prep teacher" one too many times. Or maybe my own attitude needed a huge adjustment and renewed focus. Or maybe I just really, really needed a break because I'm human and every once in a while we all would like a break.

Usually by this time of the summer, I'm feeling the urge to go back to my job as a music teacher. I'm ready for a more structured schedule, I'm ready to see all the students again, I'm ready to work on improving my craft as a music teacher. Usually by this time, I have realized once again why I am not a very good stay at home mom.

But my life seems to be filled with the unusual. And in this case, it is no different. I'm not ready yet. For me, it still feels like we JUST got done with the end of the year. The prospect of starting an entirely new year "already" seems ridiculous to me. I am hoping and praying that I will be re-energized in the next two weeks leading up to the start of school.

Kadee Joy will start Kindergarten in two weeks. She actually starts the exact same day that I report back to work...not quite sure how that will work out, but hopefully I'll be able to take her. I'm already a little emotional about it. I didn't think I would be since Andrew has been in the same school she'll be attending since last year in the special ed preschool. I think the difference is that I actually teach kindergartners. The fact that my daughter is now the same age as those I teach puts both them and her in a completely different life. I hadn't realized before what relative babies these poor kids are. No wonder the mothers and fathers who drop them off are so anxious to make sure they will be okay before they depart.

The depression beast came back and hit me the with the ferocity of a tempest. I'd gone back to my anti-depressant on an every other day basis at the end of the school year. I seemed to be doing okay, although I found that it was much more difficult to remember when I had last taken it.

After a particularly draining week, I forgot to take it three days in a row. It feels stupid that that would be a big deal, but sadly, it was a big deal. I wrestled with some of the darkest thoughts I've had in a long time. And they hit very hard. My bones felt as though weighed five times as much as normal, and my heart burned. It was difficult even to get out of bed. I tried to think logically about my life and the place I was in with my dear husband, my three beautiful kids, a home, a job, a loving family...and in my state of deep depression these thoughts did very, very little to pull me out. I felt the full weight of all the things I felt I "should" be doing, and all the roles I felt I "should" be fulfilling better. I became overwhelmed by all that I was not.

Now I realize that for those of you who have never struggled personally with depression, this seems like a ridiculous state to be in. There was literally no reason for me to be feeling the way I was.

And that, I think, is the dangerous part of depression. It's not a battle of the mind or of the will. It's a battle of the body.

So my husband nursed me back to health, making sure that I took my anti-depressant on time and regularly. He took me out into the sunshine and around Boise, forcing me to get the natural endorphins flowing as much as my depressed body would allow. He read the Psalms to me, prayed with me and for me, and reminded me of his love and my worth in his life.

It took a few days, but I finally am back out of it and into the land of the living. And so, my war with depression wages on.

And now I have two weeks of summer left. I will be turning 30 on Saturday (!) and Jeffy will be turning two on the same day. I'm excited for this week. I think there will be many, many fun experiences, and I plan on using these last two weeks well.

If you think on it, please pray for me in my battle with depression. The toll it takes on my family is much higher than I would ever wish for them.

Jesus Loves Me

2009-07-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

Another precious moment with Andrew.

Funny

2009-07-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

My husband is a huge High School Musical fan, as are many members of our youth group. I know most of you have probably seen this, but I thought it was hilarious.

Blur

2009-06-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

It's been one of those weeks...wait, months?...in which I keep thinking of things that I'd really like to blog about, and then I just don't. So here I am, and I apologize in advance for the kaleidoscope of memories and experiences I am about to jumble.

Chris left for Senior High Camp two weeks ago today. His week there was interesting for a lot of reasons. First of all, I think he had a fantastic time. But more importantly, I know that he was used by God in mighty ways. He gave his full on, all out testimony on Tuesday night, and I am STILL hearing from kids quoting him as they themselves share the struggles that they have had and/or are continuing to have. Confession of sin is such a powerful thing, and true repentance just can't happen until confession has taken place.

We are still seeing amazing things from our youth group. I had the privilege of teaching Sunday School and helping out with senior high youth group while Chris was at camp, and have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it, and it was a reaffirming call on my own life as well. The week of July 6th we'll be at Junior High Camp...Chris is the speaker and I'm the worship-in-song leader. Please pray for us both...stepping back into any form of ministry feels like an emotional land mine, but we have already seen God using our willingness to share our faults, weaknesses and failures for His good purpose.

While Chris was gone, I set up just about the fullest socializing schedule I've had since having kids. It was slightly exhausting, but I had a lot of really fun conversations and time out. And it kept the kids entertained as well. The kids and I got a lot of really precious time, and I realized just how lucky I am to be their mother. It is a daunting task, but holy cow, how rewarding it is.

The day Chris came back, I flew out to Victoria, British Columbia to see my dear twin sister get ordained as an elder in the Church of the Nazarene. We got to spend the next day with my grandma, mom, brother, Matt, Kadee, and their kids in Victoria. I LOVE Victoria. I hadn't been there in 10 years, and it was so much fun. The weather cooperated for the first hour, and then we spent a lot of time darting from warm shop to warm shop. I ate a 9 dollar banana split with my nephews and it was heavenly. After spending most of the afternoon there, we took the ferry back to Vancouver. Aaron and I stayed with Kadee and Matt, and I got the privilege of sleeping in my nephew's high, high bunk bed. I admit, that part was very scary. :)

The next day proved to be the most emotional day of the trip. Aaron and I got to go to the church where Kadee and Matt are both pastors. It is located in the heart of Vancouver, and within walking distance of Kadee and Matt's apartment. It is an incredibly diverse church. I don't know that I've ever been to a more diverse church. Racial lines were literally non-existent...people of Asian, African, European, and Latino descent were all intermingling and sharing their lives and faiths without even blinking. It was fantastic. And I got to see both Kadee and Matt in their pastoral roles, which was also quite awe-inspiring.

And then I saw Jeffrey.

Jeffrey is in his 30's, and is severely autistic. I'd heard about Jeffrey from Kadee many times before. Jeffrey came bounding across the fellowship hall during Kadee's reception with a wide smile on his face. He was jumping, flapping, standing still and checking out the room using his peripheral vision, dancing, and literally exuded joy.

And in that moment, I saw my Andrew. Kadee asked if I wanted to meet Gwen, Jeffrey's mother, and I, who literally will hide to try and avoid meeting strangers, was more eager to meet her than anyone else in my life.

Kadee went into the kitchen and pulled out this beautiful, tiny woman of Indian and Chinese descent. She had a warm smile on her face, and immediately came over with Kadee. I didn't even hear the introduction Kadee gave, I just took Gwen's hand and started bawling. Gwen didn't need any sort of explanation. She kept my hand and started telling me about her own experience, asked about Andrew, and reminded me that while we cannot change our children (they are who they are), we can make fitting in to "our world" as easy for them as we can.

And she KNEW. She KNEW my world. She had suffered a failed marriage because her husband could not handle having a child with autism. She is Jeffrey's caretaker, 24/7. She is in the midst of trying to get housing approved from the Canadian government so that families with special needs adult children can live together in a community so that if she or any of the parents pass away, there will be a community to continue taking care of the child. She agonizes, as do so many parents with mentally and/or physically disabled children, about who will take care of Jeffrey after she passes.

And so, as Gwen kept talking, I kept crying. And at the end, she asked me to pray for her, and for her mission to get housing for her family and for the families of the many others in the community who were in the same difficult situation. And so, I have been praying. If you think of it, join in prayer with me for Gwen, Jeffrey, and the many families in this same, very difficult place in life. What a blessing her story and encouraging words were to me.

Right after church, we went back to Kadee and Matt's house. I packed up and flew out that afternoon. It was very good to get back home to my husband and kids. And even though I got in late, I went into Andrew's room and checked on him. Apparently he had just started falling asleep, but hadn't gotten there quite yet. When I walked in and looked down at his face, he looked up, got of his usual HUUUUUGE smiles on his face, and said "Mommy! Come here..." and reached up and gave me a big hug. He held on and I took him out with me and held my dear boy for quite a while. How thankful I am for him, and for his life.

Chris and I took the usual 4 days to adjust to life back with each other. It's amazing how hard it is being apart but at the same time how difficult it is getting used to being together in the same house again. However, we're in a good place now, and I can't begin to say how proud I am of my husband.

Swim lessons started up this week. I started out with Andrew in his adaptive class, which happens to be taught by a friend of ours. The first day was a little tough, but he really did seem to enjoy himself. On Wednesday, I traded with Chris and took Jeffy and Kadee Joy to the outdoor pool lessons. It was fun...but so cold! And I took them on the warms days!

Yesterday we skipped out on lessons (70 degrees with a strong wind=Mommy, Jeffy and Kadee Joy are too cold) and took a family outing to the mall. It was the best mall trip we've ever had. Andrew didn't run at all, although he would occasionally wander. However, he always came back when he called his name. Kadee Joy got some early birthday presents as Children's Place and Gap Kids were having a great sale. She got sunglasses that make her look like Sharpay from High School Musical, so she's delighted with herself. Jeffy fell asleep about an hour into the trip, so he was fine. :) We finished up the trip with a stop at Starbucks for some summer drinks, and then headed back home for naps. It was a good day.

Today Chris has class...ugh...and then tomorrow he preaches! I always get nervous, but he always does a great job. Please pray for him if you think about it. May God continue to use him in mighty ways.

So I should get back to my kids. They're content, having eating breakfast and being able to watch the horrible Saturday morning cartoons, but I really should get more accomplished with them. Please keep our family in your prayers...changes continue to come on faster than we expect, but God has been very good in providing the strength and help we need.

Genius Jeffy

2009-06-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

Jeffy can identify letters...most of them, actually. He's 22 months old. So it appears that while he may be a little behind physically, mentally he's pretty stinking smart. Here's a fun video showing off my genius little man.

Meme too

2009-06-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

So I didn't know these things were called "meme's". But I LOVE them. And I think Sherry tagged me, but I could be wrong...I'll go for it anyway.

Eight Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Visiting my family in Victoria, BC
2. Getting my stinking classroom finished so I can officially be done for the summer
3. Sleeping through the night (sigh)
4. My next trip to Starbucks
5. Watching Harry Potter with the fam
6. Eating Peanut M&M's with milk tonight
7. My next date with my husband
8. Seeing my dad again

Eight Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Went to church
2. Took a nap with Kadee Joy
3. Waited a looooong time for one meeting to finish so that I could....
4. Go to the second meeting.
5. Went to Youth Group
6. Got punished at Bingo
7. Had an outstanding dinner (thank you Pam)
8. Had a late night "discussion" with Chris and Charlie

Eight Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Have a conversation with my son, Andrew
2. Understand what my husband means the first time he says it without immediately feeling defensive (ENFP + ISTJ=frequent miscommunication)
3. Speak Spanish fluently
4. Take less time to get comfortable enough to call someone "friend"
5. Be completely debt free (I'm working on this one)
6. Go out in public with Andrew and not have him run
7. Have a clean house ALL THE TIME
8. Be able to eat WHATEVER I WANT without worrying about the sodium content

Eight Shows I Watch:
1. ABC News
2. West Wing (reruns)
3. FRIENDS (reruns)
4. Seinfeld (reruns)
5. Wipeout
6. Dora the Explorer
7. BackYardigans
8. Max and Ruby

Eight Favorite Fruits:
1. Blackberries
2. Kiwi
3. Grapes
4. Honey Crisp Apples
5. Green Apples (with caramel)
6. Raspberries
7. Strawberries
8. Huckleberries

Eight Places to Visit:
1. England
2. Ireland
3. Hawaii
4. Mexico
5. Germany
6. Israel
7. Italy (been there, but I'd like to go back)
8. Spain (been there, but I'd like to go back)

Eight Places I've Lived:
1. Reedsport, OR
2. Newport, OR
3. Toledo, OR
4. Siletz, OR
5. Dinuba, CA
6. Tillamook, OR
7. Kirkland, WA
8. Nampa, ID

Benign

2009-06-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

Biopsy results came back benign. Naturally a huge relief. Thanks all for your prayers.

Prep Teacher

2009-06-04T01:29:00.000-07:00

In the eyes of a many of my colleagues at my elementary school (when I say many, I mean about 75%), my main function in life (at least at school) is to give them a 45 minute break.

At least, that's what I feel at this particular moment in time. It's not so much that it is actually true (I really don't know that), it's just some wording they use that makes me think that.

For those of you who don't know, most contracts give teachers a mandatory break in the day in which to prepare themselves for upcoming lessons. This time is called "prep time." I have a prep time...it's right around lunch, but it's still my prep time.

But the majority of the other teachers at my school, when the kids come to my classroom, they are sent to "preps." Not music. Not PE. Not art. Not computer. "Preps." As if the only good I am to them is to provide them with their prep time. And not just teachers. Administrators. EA's. The kids themselves. They catch on very quickly.

I am a certified teacher. I went to college for four and a half years to complete a five year program to become a music teacher. I have a Bachelor's Degree specifically in music education.

I have a Master's Degree in Education. I worked very hard right up until the day before I delivered my first born to get that degree.

And yet, it seems to me that the 45 minutes I see students once a week is valued very, very little. Well, let's be honest...the fact that I see these kids only once a week for 45 minutes shows how really little a music education in general is valued. But, as far as those 45 minutes go it seems to be valued very little, at least as far as opening up the world of these students to the beauty, art, intelligence, and magnificence of music. It's value is in giving their teachers a break.

I don't think it's an "enrichment" subject. I don't think it's froo-froo. I don't think it's something to just give the kids some "fun time."

I have 45 minutes once a week to try and give the students of my school a music education. This is an education that I feel is worthwhile, important, and for some students will be absolutely life saving to their education. I have 45 minutes in which to expand their vocabulary in MANY languages. I have 45 minutes to allow them to work on unity of sound, watchfulness of subtlety, creative expression in dance, joy in improvisation and in the successful interpretation of a piece of music, a chance to look through a window into the soul of another human being through his or her music. I rehearse, correct, praise, and teach. I am responsible for taking an entire grade level and teaching them a variety of songs, instrumental techniques, performance etiquette, stage safety, and basics of musical vocabulary, most of which is in Italian.

So please don't call me a prep teacher. I really do work very hard to give your students an actual education in music. If you just need a babysitter, there are actually many cheaper and less meaningful ways of providing you a 45 minute break. I really do worry sometimes that if there was another alternative to me as far as giving consistent prep time to regular classroom teachers, I would be booted pretty quickly. I take up one whole FTE. And man, is that expensive childcare from a school perspective.

And yeah, I mind when you keep your kids out of my class to catch up on other work. And I do mind when you ask me if they're doing anything "important" today. And I do mind when you could care less about the time of day that would work best for the kids to try and absorb my subject in a 45 minute class time.

And I really do get that you're under the gun to get test scores up. And I really do get that to the majority of politicians and administrators, getting their math and reading scores up is more important than them having a meaningful music education, or making sure that their kids are in shape, or tapping into their creative energy and working on ways to expand their skills as artists.

But seriously...we question that philosophy in every way possible on a daily basis...don't let it diminish the importance of what we, as individual subject specialists, are trying to teach your kids. There are no standardized tests on music, PE, art, computers...but don't let that skew your view of the importance of any of them.

No really...I don't like being called a prep teacher. :) And I don't think you like it when parents view your role as little more than free daycare. So don't treat me like I'm that for you. I will gladly take your kids during their designated time because frankly I really, really enjoy what I do, and I really, really want to teach them. And I will continue to respect what YOU are doing in teaching them your respective subjects. And I will try to remember that ALL of us, want what is best for kids.

And thank you much to the teachers who send their kids to specials, to music. Thank you to the teachers who care to be on time, who care what their kids do, who who care what their kids did while there were there, because that is a reality too. The difference in attitudes of the kids is very much a reflection of the teachers who bring them.

And don't get me wrong...I know you need a break. I know you need time to prepare. If we were honest, you generally use a whole lot more than 45 minutes to prepare to teach 20-30 uniquely diversified individuals on a variety of levels. And so do I.

Sadly, I realize to most readers, and maybe even most teachers, it just really doesn't feel like that big of a deal. But to me, in my chosen profession, in this moment in time, it is. Because I am a dying breed...and generally the deaths come out of the same attitude that refuses to acknowledge me for what I really am...a teacher of music. A teacher of kids. And someone who genuinely loves her job and tries her best to make sure that the education these kids are receiving from me in my subject area is one of quality, and one that they can take with them for the rest of their lives.

Biopsies

2009-05-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

During a routine female exam, my doctor checked my thyroid and found it to be, as she put it, "full." Bloodwork came back normal, but she still wasn't totally okay with the way the thyroid actually felt. So I went in to get an ultrasound on my thyroid. Turns out I have three solid nodules on the right side of my thyroid. I went in to my ENT yesterday and found that out. He wasn't particularly comforting, and let me know that I would need to have a fine needle biopsy done on all three nodules to rule out cancer.

Chances of them being malignant? 5-10%. It depends on who you ask. My percentage goes up based on my age, the fact that the nodules are solid and not cystic, and the fact that I don't exactly have a good family history with cancer.

My mind has been preoccupied with it for the past 24 hours. It's not that I fear cancer, or even death...it's just the not knowing that's dominating my thoughts. Chances are they will simply be benign, and I'll just have to watch them for the rest of my life.

But all the same, if you could keep me in your prayers, I would be most appreciative. I get the biopsies done on Tuesday and then find out the results however long after that. My nurse was good enough to tell me that if the results were benign, they would tell me so over the phone and then schedule an appointment to see what's next. If they were not...well, they'll just call me and tell me to come in. I think it would have been better if she'd told me that she would just call me when I needed to come in and discuss the results. :)

Oo-kay?

2009-05-22T05:51:00.000-07:00

So Chris and I go to marital counseling. No, we are not in a marital crisis. Yes, we were in marital crisis the first time we went. We went another time in between then and now as well.

Counseling was ALWAYS something that had a negative stigma to me. I figured only really screwed up people went to counseling. When I was a kid, I knew of only a couple of kids who went to counseling, and I always thought badly of them. Judge me if you will.

Of course, after you get married you realize how futile arguments seem to become after multiple failed attempts at reconciliation. Pre-marital counseling didn't feel like real counseling...everybody has to go if they want to be married in that particular church. But after a couple of years, I wanted to go to marital counseling with Chris. A whole bunch of friends in my bible study went with their spouses, and I was sure this would be the end-all be-all to my marital frustrations.

Chris was not so open to the idea. He had had his own experiences with counseling as a child after his parents' divorces and subsequent remarriages to other people. I don't think he looked back on them fondly.

Another three years later, we found ourselves smack dab in the middle of marital crisis. "Divorce" was being thrown all over the place, I was severely depressed. It got to a point where I ended up in personal counseling, which quickly turned into marital counseling.

While the first several sessions did very little to help our marriage, the sessions after the truth came out about why we were actually in marital counseling were life changing. I am still amazed at the progress and healing that came about as a result of marital counseling, and it was definitely a good healthy mixture of the amazingness of our counselor, and both Chris and I's persistent work on the things we so badly needed to work on.

Recently we've been going as more of a preventative type thing. We still have issues (don't all married people though), and we've enjoyed the first few sessions.

However...A funny and sort of "huh?" moment came out of it.

At the end of a particularly soul-bearing session, our counselor stopped talking, and so did we. She looked at both of us and said, "You know, if you guys hadn't had your faith, you would have been divorced a long time ago. I have never met two more polar opposites in marital counseling than you two. Your communications styles, personalities, everything are all completely opposite of each other. Steph, you're "slow and steady wins the race" and Chris, you're "fast and.......jumpy."

I thought the fast and jumpy part was funny. The rest was a little disheartening. My "half-glass empty" brain started going, "Is she saying that we SHOULDN'T be married? That we never should have been married? That marriage for us will always be incredibly difficult?" I drove home with those same thoughts zooming through my head.

Chris had class later that night, and was getting ready to go, when he noticed I was looking pretty down. He came over to me, pulled me up, and gave me a big hug. "Did the stuff our counselor said make you upset?"

"Yeah...," I said, the tears starting to come down again.

"Well I think it's a good thing," (my "glass overflowing" husband said) "and you want to know why?"

"Why?," I said, in my most pathetic voice.

"Because it means that we're not just both being incredibly selfish! The stuff we deal with is just because we're so different! Don't worry, honey, we'll make it." And with that, he gave me a big kiss, another hug, and fed me dinner. :)

And that is where I think that while we are indeed polar opposites, God has been and will able to work through us and our marriage in mighty ways. Because, as our counselor pointed out, were it not for Him, there would be no way we could be here, in our home, with our beautiful kids, and recognizing His mighty power to work miracles...including helping two polar opposites have a happy marriage.

Yaaaayyyy!

2009-05-06T19:52:00.001-07:00

I know it's sideways, but the day has finally come that we thought never would....

He's 20 months old, almost 21...but he did finally do it. Yaay, Jeffy!

"I'm Wishing..."

2009-04-30T19:17:00.000-07:00

Andrew LOVES movies. He'll get on a movie kick and stay with the same movie for weeks. Lately it's been "Snow White." And while he still can't hold a conversation, he can memorize a song like it's nobody's business. Here's his latest musical triumph, accompanied by Kadee Joy and sometimes loud Mommy.

Failure to Thrive

2009-04-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

So after being denied for Medicaid...again...We're going the Katy Beckett route. This route can provide Medicaid to people who make too much money, but who have children with severe enough disabilities. I think it's funny that the government thinks we make too much money with my lone teacher's salary.

Amid the mass of paperwork is the Physicians Evaluation. Today, Chris took the boys to our pediatrician, the wonderfully empathetic Dr. Copeland.

As I read through the long medical history of both my boys, my eyes caught the words "Failure to Thrive" on Jeffy's evaluation. Our rheumatologist was the first to use these words when referring us to the neurologist. Jeffy is in the 1st percentile for weight. I knew he was small...I just didn't realize he was that small. But then again, as I took him out of his evening shower (he loves them), I was able to carry him easily in my arms, just as I always have, just like a newborn baby. He is so tiny.

I also had the strange thought that I sometimes get that wonders how I would have reacted had I, before children, before marriage, looked into the future on this day-what would I have thought about the words that stuck out?

"Motor Delay"
"Expressive speech delay"
"Failure to Thrive"
"Metopic Craniosynostosis repair"
"Sensory Integration Disorder"
"Autism"

My beautiful boys.

What has invaded their bodies and minds, bringing these upon them? And what has my own part been in them?

I feel some days, like today, that Andrew was robbed of his mind, and Jeffy was robbed of his body. I see these words and scoff at my own naivete that assumed my children would be completely healthy, without flaw, without pain. That I could hold conversations with them...that I could make them understand me...that they would grow up, graduate from college, marry, have children...without even a thought about just how many thing have to come together for life to work like that. But this is foolish thinking, weak thinking, negative thinking...For the time being I would be excited for my dear Jeffy to walk without pain...or even just to WALK, for Andrew to tell me how he feels, or to care how I feel.

But in the meantime, I will seek all the help for them I can. And I will remember what I already know...that these labels come nowhere close to defining my sons. My Jeffy, with his beautiful big brown eyes, infectious giggle, and funny little gait. My Andrew, with his irrepressible joy at the unseen, his songs, his dances, his amazing strength, and his warm snuggles.

And so I look forward to the day when we will all be restored from our weak earthly vessels into our new heavenly bodies, and where we may all understand and be understood.

Bleh.

2009-04-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday, the day before Good Friday, and I'll admit that I'm pretty nauseous.

Chris had class tonight and I had choir practice for the Good Friday service. Chris' 17 year old brother Charlie moved in with us yesterday, and so we worked it out that he would go with Chris' older brother Rich to his house for the evening while Chris went to class and I took the kids with me.

So Chris, Rich, and Charlie all left for their respective places, and I started to make a little dinner for the kids and I. And five minutes later, Jeffy puked all over himself, the kitchen floor, and some of the carpet in the living room. SICK.

He's acted pretty miserable since then, although the upchucking has ceased. You'd think I'd be used to the ill bodily functions by now...but gross churned milk vomit is still a point of weakness for me, and I've been on the edge since the aforementioned puking.

It's been another week of change. We're feeling very positive about Charlie coming to live with us. He, his parents, and Chris and I all reached the point at relatively the same time where this particular change in living quarters seemed to make sense. So we are hopeful that Charlie's prospects will come into clearer view, and that he will find strengths and opportunities that will help grow him into the man God so lovingly desires him to be.

Jeffy's playing the piano right now. I'm pretty sure he's going to be the artistic one in our family. We can set him down with a Magna Doodle or in front of a piano and he'll be content to create on either for much longer than any normal 1 year old.

Kadee Joy decided to increase her mother's overall amount of patience by testing it the other night. She had been begging me to be allowed to chew a large wad of that gross, cheap bubble gum that comes in the huge packs of candy. So, finally, I assented. She wanted to take a bath, and Andrew did as well, so I piled them into my jacuzzi tub, poured in the bubbles, and left them for two minutes.

Apparently, two minutes is all you need to get a wad of gum stuck in your brothers hair. Mind you, it was in her mouth. Still not quite sure what she was doing to get it into his hair. Andrew had quite the mane when this happened, and the gum was so big that it turned his scalp into quite the disaster. Needless to say, after working on it for a while, the decision was made to cut Andrew's hair. Chris was at class, so the task fell to me. Andrew did not appreciate it, and Kadee Joy was sent to bed.

I must say that I don't think I've ever seen a more pathetic hair cut. And now the poor boy has a cold sore. All in all, he looks like a very sad little fellow. Kadee Joy is still apologizing for it. I had to cut the hair around the gum shorter than the rest, so he has a little bald spot to add to the pathetic effect. Ugh.

So now I'm hoping that Chris will get done with class early and come relieve me of the baby boy and his puke. It doesn't seem to matter how much I clean him...the odor lingers.

I had another dizzy spell yesterday, right around the time my kindergartners were set to come in. My team of specialists (teachers, mind you :) once again came to the rescue and took my classes until a sub was able to come in. I came home and slept for five hours. Sleep really does seem to be the only way of abating the symptoms once a spell has started.

Alright, Andrew wants to shower, and let's be honest, he needs to. Off to the races again.

I don't want to play anymore

2009-04-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

My adventure with the withdrawal of my anti-depressant took a sharp turn downward this morning. I think I was working on day 5 without it (remembering, of course, that the tapering off has been going on for several weeks) and felt like I was doing well.

Then Chris was late getting back from the store, making it so that I missed the hair appointment I had scheduled for this morning.

And friends, I cried, and I cried, and I fell asleep, and I cried, and I did the dishes while I cried, and I took another nap, and I cried.

Naturally...my crying had very little to do with my hair appointment having to be rescheduled. But I certainly created a fun morning for my husband and children. It got to the point where I started trying to come up reasons for why I was crying. And when I spoke them aloud, they sounded even stupider than they had sounded in my head.

So, I took my dose of anti-depressant. Apparently a week is still too long to go without. It was horrible, although luckily my poor husband was able to deal with it fairly cheerfully, and got a lot of outside work done while I sobbed over the household chores.

On a not all that less slightly irritating note, Jeffy went into to the pediatric neurologist on Thursday. After being in the office for an hour and a half, we were told that it didn't appear that there was really all that much wrong...at least from a neurological standpoint. He became the fourth doctor to suggest physical and occupational therapy, which we've been on several waiting lists for for a few months now. He had nothing to say about the high rate of inflammation in Jeffy's body, other than that area was not his area but rather in the area of the rheumatologist who had referred us. Oh bother.

My great grandmother also passed away this week, so instead of going to Women' s Retreat, I will be flying over to Oregon to attend her memorial. I'm bummed about missing Women's Retreat, but really there was no thinking about which was more important. My grandmother's house (at least, where she lived before being put in a wonderful home for seniors needing assistance) complete with a beautiful garden, waterfall, and forest as her backyard, has always been the closest thing to heaven I have found on this world.

Back to work was up and down as well. I had some fantastic days with my kids, but some classes that were simply out of control. I'm looking forward to summer now...In my heart and mind in can't come fast enough.

If only all brothers and sisters got along this well...

2009-03-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

2009-03-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

I've started so many blogs since my last one, but obviously have not finished any of them. Sometimes I will try to write on subject that I think someone in particular might want to read...and that NEVER works.

So let's see. We've been having a productive Spring Break. Not necessarily fun, but definitely productive. My mom came into town on Sunday night, and pretty much the minute she came into town, the purging began. My mom is a great purger. It should be her middle name. She sent two days straight helping Chris and I get our house into order. We filled pretty much an entire dumpster with papers that had needed to be sorted for two years. She also took 7 or 8 loads of laundry to a local laundromat and washed and folded them for us. Why doesn't she live closer?!

We also played a lot of cards and Monopoly. We had friends and family over pretty much every night, which was a lot like my whole teenage years. She also got me a PLANNER...something she's used since she was 18, and something that she's been wishing her disorganized daughter would use for the last 20. I've been using it like crazy so far (all two days)...we'll see if I keep it up after school starts back up again.

Update on Jeffy: Still not walking... so we took him back to the rheumatologist yesterday who decided that the next course of action should be to take him to the pediatric neurologist. He was able to "convince" them to take us in next week. The doctor was scheduled out until June. Not sure if this is a good sign or a bad sign. He used the word "malignant" which is never good, but used it only as something that is naturally at the back of a physician's mind when the SED rate continues to remain so high, but the usual rheumatic treatment fails to change anything. It's definitely not arthritis anymore, not muscular...so we're headed to brain issues now. Please continue to pray for additional wisdom for the doctors, and for protection for our dear boy. He's generally very smiley and giggly, but gets tired so easily, and is just not strong.

Andrew is still doing well, loving life, and very very smiley. He's such a joy.

Kadee Joy is brilliant as usual, and a little too smart and social for her own good. She officially quit ballet after a particularly tantrumish day...I was deeply saddened, but it appears she will have to take her natural athleticism a different way. As she put it she "wants to make her OWN dance." Isn't that the way of it.

My withdrawal from my anti-depressant has hit the more difficult wall of spacing out my doses every three days. I'm great the day I take it, and the next, and then the third day I'm an absolute basket case. The other night I went into "the depths of despair" as Anne Shirley calls it, but was able to intellectually tell myself that it would be better in the morning. And it was. I'm still hopeful that I will be able to wean completely off of it, although the walls have made it seem a much more challenging than it was the first ten days.

Today I coerced Chris into watching "Twilight" with me on DVD. He very graciously did not make fun of it while we were watching it. What a nice guy. We got some much needed snuggle time in while the kids took their naps. March Madness showed back up tonight, so naturally it will be on all night. My picks are winning as of this moment, which is good news for me personally, bad news for my husband. My goals in my marriage right now are to work on the areas of respect and physical affection with my husband. These are issues that we've always struggled with, and seem to go in waves of difficulty. Right now, I am riding a pretty big one. Please pray for me in this area, if you think of it.

I got to go to coffee with a friend of mine today, who did a great job of helping me my own life into perspective, and also allowed the Holy Spirit to convict me in several areas. Not in a "don't gossip" kind of way, but her struggles helped me to recognize my own struggles, and as I proceeded to give advice, I realized that I needed to be giving the same to myself.

School starts up again next week, and I can't believe it's already the 4th quarter. What an insane year. But I will say, it has been a great year.

Okay, off to spend time with my family. I am hoping we will be able to do something fun tomorrow or Saturday before I go back to work. And also hoping that the weather will turn warm again.

Costume party

2009-03-15T16:23:00.001-07:00

A friend of ours had a costume party for her son's fourth birthday. We actually got costumes, and are so glad we did. Aren't they the cutest things ever? Jeffy is Curious George, Andrew is a "future" golfer, and Kadee Joy is Cinderella.

I decided to try and cheat on my diet and eat a piece of pizza...and now I'm paying for it. Both my ears are so full I can hardly hear. I think I've learned my lesson. :)

Withdrawal

2009-03-14T06:23:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! How's your morning going? Mine is going FANTASTICALLY well.

This past week and a half (well, three weeks, really) have been CRAZY. A few field trips, a lot more doctors appointments, my huge fourth grade musical....and withdrawal. Withdrawal from caffeine. Withdrawal from sodium. Withdrawal from restaurants and fast food places.

And to top it all off, this week I've tapered off my anti-depressant. So withdrawal from that too.

I didn't really think through what that would do to this week in particular, but I finally got to the point where I realized my actual need for the anti-depressant really was now only equated with my fear of what I would be like going off of it. And let me tell you, my fears of what I would become upon going off of it have been terrifying.

However, I came to another realization that finally helped me jump off the boat of fear and into the world of no anti-depressant. I have been very mellow on my anti-depressant. In the beginning, that was a much needed qualification as to why I should be taking it. I was so, so low, all the time. Being mellow was several steps up from that. And when I became mellow, I was able to think through steps without the barrage of emotions that had been blocking my ability to deal with life in a healthy way.

Being mellow (for me anyway) opened up many paradigm shifts in my head. My way was not necessarily the only way. Things not being done exactly as I wanted them did not necessitate berating the person who did it differently. Dishes not being done right away were not a cause for a meltdown. Going from irritated to screaming in a matter of seconds was not a healthy handling of life. Expecting perfection from myself and others was not realistic and would generate feelings of anger that were unjustified.

Notice a common thread here?

Unfortunately, this mellowness, while allowing me to figure out better ways of thinking through situations, also produced an almost apathetic view towards the things that actually needed to get done. As a result, my ability to handle finances, meet deadlines, and keep my house organized and clean (at least, as much as I usually do :) have greatly, greatly suffered. And then, to be honest...I don't care even when I see them suffer. I just physically do not care.

And physically and emotionally, I just don't experience any sort of highs or lows. I've visited the lowlands a few times when I'm a few hours late on my anti-depressant, but the highs have been left out of my life for quite a while. And not because I want to...I just can't get there.

And so, I realized that my thinking had changed enough to warrant at least thinking about going off of the anti-depressant. And my work, home, and marriage had suffered enough from my lack of emotion and drive that I realized I needed to at least try going off of it.

And so, one day, I did. And of course, that day, I felt STRESSED. I could feel it in my shoulders...my muscles in them were hard as rocks. It didn't help that my musical was two days away and I finally realized fully just how much I needed to do.

And then, something amazing happened. I was motivated enough to DO THEM. And I did. And I have kept doing them. Of course, I realize that it has only been four days (and don't worry, I'm under doctor supervision and am still taking them every couple of days so that my brain and body don't hate me), but the things that I have been able to FEEL again have been incredible. The day of my program, I was able to see and insist on details that needed to be better. And the night of my program I was able to really celebrate how great the kids were and how well the whole thing came off.

And at home, I've been catching up on all the things I've been putting off for months. Of course, I'm walking and talking faster as my brain moves faster, and I have much more energy (which could also be due to the fact that I'm no longer eating crap and drinking only caffeinated drinks), and I am feeling physically renewed.

So I'm optimistic. Spring is coming, I'm catching up, and I'm motivated.

Withdrawal is tough, but I think coming through the clouds will be worth it.

Goodbye

2009-02-28T07:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I made my second trip to the Ear Nose Throat doctor, did a bunch more tests, and came away with news I'm not real happy with, but will eventually be okay with. I was diagnosed with Meniere's disease, which is an inner ear disease that affects the equilibrium and overall health of the inner ear. It manifests itself in the dizzy spells that have been plaguing me, and the plugged ear feeling I've had in my right ear. And, as far as I can tell, it is lifelong.

Treatment? Low sodium diet and no caffeine, as well as some daily medication. This is where the gluttonous side of me comes out. Low sodium is hard to come by. Check out the sodium content on most foods. However, I am allowed 2000 mg a day, as long as I divide them up equally throughout the day. The caffeine is a little tough to take as well, considering my love for the SB (Starbucks), because even the chocolate I get in my mochas have caffeine. Decaf vanilla lattes? I don't know.

The eerie side of it is that this was what they initially diagnosed my dad with when he had the same symptoms. They eventually switched the diagnosis to a different inner ear disease, but the treatment was the same. I remember the low sodium lifestyle. Dad was on it until he died. I think that that may be where I'm having difficulty. I've seen how this affects everything from going out to eat to going to friends houses, and I remember how horrible I felt for Dad. A friend and I were trying to figure out where to go for lunch, and finally settled on Red Robin where I had fries (no salt) and a gardenburger wrapped in lettuce. Not what I would like, but it stuck to my 300 mg per meal regimen.

So goodbye Reuben sandwiches, goodbye pickles, goodbye salad dressing, goodbye pizza, goodbye deli meats and goodbye chips. And hello fresh fruits and vegetables, no salt butter, cooking with garlic and vinegar, Mrs. Dash everything, and asking for nutritional content information at every restaurant and potluck I go to. It is a change in lifestyle certainly, but I would be silly not to realize that it is a much, much healthier change, and one that any cheating on my part would result in immediate, not fun consequences.

But with all the silly selfishness said, it is not life threatening, it is simply life altering. There were many much scarier scenarios that were possible. So forgive my present selfishness, particularly those of you going through life threatening illnesses, or those of you with family members going through them. My difficulty is not the same, or anywhere close to it.

Lord, please help me to be content with this new change in diet, and thank you for your protection of my life.

Progress

2009-02-26T13:22:00.000-08:00

My son Andrew has been amazing me lately. He is making so many gains in social skills, communication skills, even basic self care skills.

His latest funny thing has been that he really likes to help make scrambled eggs. He will go to the kitchen, open up the fridge, take out the egg carton (carefully :)) and bring it to us and say, "Eggs?". Then he walks with us over to the kitchen counter, sets them on the kitchen counter, gets out the mixing bowl, the pan, and the whisk, helps us crack the eggs, mixes the eggs, and dumps them into the pan. Then I turn on the burner, he gets and spatula, and stirs the eggs as they cook. After they're done, he says "Sit down," runs to the table after getting a fork, and waits for me to bring him his plate of eggs. Too cute!

He's also learning how to be a little booger, but in a way that shows us he's picking up on communication. He and his sister can now argue over toys "My toy!" "Le' go!" "No, no, no!" Here you go, sissy."

And then, there's Chris and I's favorite Andrew-ism. If he wants you to lay down next to him when he goes to bed, he waits for you to come in with his blanket, cup, and then, after you've come in, he runs behind you and shuts the door so that you can't get out. He's still very much a snuggler.

He's loving school, and his teacher gave glowing reports about the progress he's made. He still has a long way to go, but transitions have become so much easier, he is counting, he can sing whole songs and has good enough pitch for us to recognize them! He's getting better about Jeffy too, although I'm pretty sure he prefers his Mommy over everyone. He's helping to dress himself, will look at books independently, and is doing fantastically well in his Sunday School class.

All in all, we are very proud of our boy, and so thankful for the many people in his life who lead him closer and closer to a more easier understood way of living.

How quickly

2009-02-18T19:53:00.000-08:00

How quickly the clouds roll in.
How quickly the shades are pulled down.
How quickly my eyes are filled with tears.
How quickly the key becomes minor.
How quickly Keats becomes gospel.
How quickly the water rises.
How quickly my eyes are darkened.
How quickly the light is shut out.
How quickly the mind turns.
How quickly the fingers fly.
How quickly the world caves in.
How quickly the silence becomes an invitation.
How quickly black makes sense.
How quickly the cup runs out.
How quickly the strength leaves.
How quickly the questions feel unanswerable.
How quickly the wind feels lonely.
How quickly the blessings are forgotten.
How quickly His Word is left unopened.
How quickly my memory is under shadow.
How quickly the tragic becomes the norm.
How quickly happiness feels irritating.
How quickly the small becomes overwhelming.
How quickly the fuse becomes short.
How quickly answers are no longer searched for.
How quickly Death seems to be the ultimate conqueror.
How quickly faint whispers seem so close.
How quickly the clouds roll in.
How quickly I forget the brightness of the sun.
How quickly.
How quickly indeed.

Another Wild Weekend

2009-02-16T18:31:00.000-08:00

About two weeks ago I called my mom up and let her know that I was really missing her and the rest of my extended family. My dad's side was having their annual get together in Neskowin, OR on President's Day weekend, and I wondered aloud if it would be possible for us to come. We looked into plane tickets, which were way too high since it was under 21 days away. Then I talked to Chris about it, and he was all for all five of us driving over. Mom was able to get a bigger room at the Inn at Proposal Rock, where she and the rest of my family were planning on staying. So I took a personal day on Friday, and early Friday morning we drove to the coast.

That part of the trip went really well. We had minimal crying from the backseat, and we managed to make it there in time to pick up Mom (well, caravan with her) and head to Neskowin. Right before we left, Chris presented me with a beautiful boquet of wildflower looking flowers. So beautiful! As I think about it though, I'm pretty sure we left them at mom's house. But they really were beautiful.

We picked up pizza on the way there, and started eating it once we got to our suite, which had an ocean view and was AWESOME. Shortly after arriving, we found some of my cousins and my grandparents. They were heading to Mo's, a wonderful chowder house, and both my mom and husband encouraged me to go with them, while they stayed with the kids and allowed them to unwind from the 9 hour car ride.

It was great fun, and I had some delicious clam chowder and iced tea. I got back that night and had as nice a night's sleep as any hide-a-bed will allow.

The next morning we woke up to blue skies and our great view. The kids had all rested well, although we were all awake a little earlier than the rest of our Pacific time zone relatives.

Later that morning we had a great breakfast with the fam that was already there. The kids had a great time getting to know their third cousins. After that, Chris took Jeffy back to the room for a late morning nap, and the kids and I went to the beach with some of my cousins. It was a little chilly, but we had fun, even though Andrew insisted on running as close to the surf as possible. Proposal Rock is notorious for it's swiftly changing tides, and we were almost caught by it several times. It started to get dark, so we started the long walk in, and by the time we got back to our room, it was pouring. The kids and I changed into dry clothes, and then took a nice afternoon nap.

Upon waking, Chris and I saw that the weather had changed back into blue skies, and so Mom volunteered to take the kids while we walked. It was a wonderful time alone, with the refreshing wind that only an ocean can provide.

After our walk, we went over to get some coffee. Our mocha orders were taken by a guy who looked like he was too old to even know what we were talking about. However, appearances can be deceiving, and he turned out a fantastic vanilla mocha.

At this point, things turned a little crazy when an unexpected guest at our get together had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. Chris had run out upon seeing a few people around her, and had the sense to get the people in our group who actually knew her. Unfortunately, the poor woman turned out to be highly intoxicated, and had fallen due to the effects of the alcohol. So she was taken away, and her daughter had to drive her back home after her stay in the hospital.

After that, we all got ready to have our big family dinner. It was chili and salad, and looked and smelled awesome. I had just sat down to look at some letters my grandfather had written his mother when Jeffy came over to be picked up. I passed the book to Chris, and five seconds later Jeffy puked all over me...and puked....and puked...and puked....and with each puke my family would give a louder, higher pitched "Ohhh!" So, Chris and I walked back with Jeffy to our room, while my mom cleaned up the mess. Chris volunteered to stay with Jeffy and Andrew, who was a little restless by this point, and I went back after completely changing every article of puke soaked clothing.

The dinner was fine, although I was a little queasy after being puked on. We headed back a little while later and found that Jeffy's puking had not stopped. As I took Jeffy, I started to feel even queasier. Needless to say, I also got whatever bug he had, and puked that night, and was unable to get up for our final family breakfast. Chris drove the windy roads back to Tillamook as slowly as he could without getting pulled over, and when we finally got there, I went to bed, and stayed there pretty much all day. It was still a beautiful, completely blue skied day, and I couldn't go anywhere or see anyone. MISERABLE!

So this morning, after puking again, we packed up our stuff for Nampa. About halfway through the trip I was able to actually eat again, and by the time we got home, I felt much better, although a little weak. Chris had to go to class tonight, so I'm very glad I was over the stomach stuff by that time.

It was a difficult weekend in those respects, but not nearly as difficult as it could have been. My husband was so thoughtful, and so attentive to me and to the kids. He was so supportive in giving me as much time with my dad's family as I could get, stayed with the kids during naps or necessary breaks, was up with the kids both nights I was sick, and drove both ways to allow me to sleep. I have married an extraordinarily wonderful man, and this weekend was just another reminder of that.

And I did get to see dad's side of the family, which was the best thing this weekend, the fourth anniversary of his untimely death, could possibly produce.

Dizzy

2009-02-08T19:09:00.000-08:00

I think I may be due for a doctor's appointment. I am so dizzy right now that I can't even stand up. The spells have been coming on fast, and are getting more frequent. It feels like it's a dumb thing to go the doctor for, though. I mean, everyone gets dizzy every once in a while, right?

But the thing is, I've had to take time off work for them, I've had to grab onto furniture to keep from falling, and will oftentimes have to lay down for hours at a time, waiting for the world to stop spinning. I've had at least 10 spells in the last two months...spells serious enough for me to lay down.

Dad lived like this perpetually for the last five years of his life. I can't even imagine.

Here's the difficulty: I don't have a regular doctor. I've been pregnant so much during the last five years that I really didn't need one...my Ob/Gyn was seeing me at least once a month. And last year, when I tried to get into one, they said I might have to wait for a month. And that's when I had a herniated disc! I can't imagine them wanting to get me in sooner for a few dizzy spells.

But, I know that while it could be no big deal, it could also be kind of serious. So if you have any suggestions on who I should go see, or better yet who would actually be able to get me in, please let me know. Because the spells aren't getting any better, and I think it may be time to find out if there's more to the story.

In the meantime, I shall lay down, and wait for the world to get back to it's normal non-moving (at least from our perspective) self.

And please pray for me.

I think I'm ready for Spring

2009-02-06T12:27:00.000-08:00

It's official...I'm really tired of the illnesses that winter has been plaguing us with. I think it's because the kids (both my students and my actual children) have been crammed indoors with each other for too long. My students are going crazy...in some case literally, but generally just figuratively. I have given out more 2's and 3's in the past two weeks than I have all year long (I give points in my classroom to track how well the class behaved, followed directions, etc...5 is the most, 1 is the least. They are expected to get 5's, maybe a 4 every once in a while). And some of the classes I've been giving them to are traditionally my "good" classes...the ones I don't have to simplify the lessons for or nix certain activities all together.

But back to the illnesses. I've had some students out for over two weeks. And sometimes it's major illnesses (appendectomy, tonsillectomy, cancer even for one student), but it's generally just this cough/fever thing that my kids have had. It just won't go away! And it's draining, both physically and mentally, and everyone seems to be feeling it. There has been a negative vibe in the building for a couple of weeks now, which has everybody into everyone else's business, telling each other what they should be doing differently. Plank in the eye, people.

And my poor kids, especially Andrew, are just so tired. They just have so little energy. Kadee Joy has been in rarer form than usual, calling one of my dear friends a "loser" yesterday, which naturally sent her straight to bed. She's been testing the boundaries again, reminding me of her entire time as a two year old. She still has yet to understand that it really will be better for her if she owns up to what she has done, rather than lie about it and then get in trouble for both the original act and the lie...Of course, some adults still don't get that either. :)

But on a good note, Chris and I have really been enjoying our time together. We seem to have gotten over a small hill of negativity in our own home, and are into the more encouraging and growing portion of it.

So I know that there is sunshine ahead, warm winds, and comforting calm. Drudging through the cold muck for right now is tiresome, but will thankfully not last forever.

I took up a leadership role at church on Sunday, and have been quite occupied with that. But it has certainly forced me to seek God's guidance and strength, as it is a position that uses strengths but also tugs at many weaknesses that I have. I know that I can't do it on my own, nor would I want to. It's too easily riddled with conflict for me to even attempt to take it on my own. I'm very glad that God is using it do grow me, though. I think I was thinking a little too highly of myself for a while. :)

I'm writing this at school during a short break. I've been purposefully putting each of the grades and objective and learning goals up on the while, along with their corresponding standard. I will say that we were told to do this by administration, but sometimes I slide by since I don't have the "traditional" class setup. But on this one, I took hold of it, and found it to be empowering after looking more closely at the standards and realizing that I really just needed to focus on the few that were for that grade level and teach those in more depth, rather than skimming the service of a dozen other tangents.

And with that, I should go and rewrite them for next week. I'm looking forward to a weekend of rest.

Hmmm...

2009-01-31T08:05:00.000-08:00

That's the most creative title I could come up with. Sorry. :)

This week has been...interesting. I've had a wide range of emotions, some good, some a little discouraging. But I've ended my week feeling positive, and reminded of how much in my life really just depends on my reaction to it.

Andrew got his first progress report. It was very cute. I know that reports aren't usually cute, but his was. He is on target to complete all his goals by the end of the year. Woo-hoo!

I've been hit with how quickly this sweet time in my kids' lives is passing. This wasn't simply something I thought up on my own, of course. I had two or three random people mention to me how they wish they could go back to this time in their own children's lives, when our presence as parents is still welcome and even sought after.

I think I'd like to go on an adventure with my family. It probably couldn't be real far away, or for real long...but still.

And apparently that is all I have to say. :)

Guilty Mother Syndrome

2009-01-23T08:12:00.000-08:00

So that was the title of the blog I wrote at 4:30 am.

I pulled the blog at 6:45 this morning.

I write pretty well at that time of day, but I also tend to write to deep, too openly, too painfully. It was a very painful blog, one that took a harsh look at myself and the struggles that I still face.

Of course, if you've read my other posts, they can often be that way anyway.

But this one was too many of those things, and putting into writing that is published on the Internet was too much even for me.

So I will write a blog later that gives a better of look of how I am feeling that includes the discretion that even I feel is important when it comes to blogs. :)

Have a wonderful weekend.

The Medical Mystery Tour

2009-01-20T17:57:00.000-08:00

Get it? Like the Magical Mystery Tour? Beatles? Anyone? Okay.

So Jeffy has still not been walking, and drags his left leg around pretty much all the time when he crawls. I e-mailed his rheumatologist to let him know that despite 30 days of steroids, Jeffy had not improved. He immediately e-mailed back and said he wanted to see Jeffy ASAP. So we got him in for today.

Sunday morning, Jeffy woke up with both eyes swollen, a fever, and a rash across his nose. All things that can be linked to autoimmune stuff. His eyes got worse over the next two days, and this morning, his left eye was nearly swollen shut. Weird, weird stuff.

So I took him to the doctor, and realized on my way there that the time that had opened up was the exact time of the inauguration. Whatever you voted, I'm sure most would agree that the inauguration today was of huge historical importance, and since I actually voted for now President Obama, I was very sad to have to miss it.

Regardless, I took him in, and our very concerned rheumatologist ordered more bloodwork, another specialist appointment (someone new), and another appointment with our pediatrician to rule out other possible infections.

So we're waiting for the results of the blood work (which, by the way, was a harrowing experience in which the phlebotomist searched with the needle INSIDE Jeffy's arm for one entire minute before actually finding the pain...BRUTAL...AWFUL...still makes me sick), which will hopefully help us figure out why he's not getting better.

In the meantime, our dear boy is very smiley, although very piratey looking with his one eye.

Our insurance has been giving us a few fits as well, and a technicality prevented us from automatically continuing with Medicaid as a supplemental insurance. This is a big deal for all of Andrew's developmental stuff as well as Jeffy's past, current and future medical issues. Hopefully our reapplication will go through without a hitch.

I am still having the chest and arm pains that sent me to the ER, but don't know what to do about it besides take my Advil as needed. It's kind of a pain (literally), but I'm glad it's not an actual big deal.

Chris got his exercise that he's been wanting and has been faithfully riding about 6 miles a day, although he researched it today and realized that he might have to make some additional changes to his life to make the changes to his body he wants.

I am just over feeling overwhelmed. I got hit with a huge wave of it today. It may hit me again later, but for now, it's okay.

Andrew is looking on the remote and identifying the numbers on it. What a smart boy!

Kadee Joy is "working" with a wrench. She's just turning it around and around, and explaining to me what job she is doing. She's so funny.

I'm starting to get random, so I'd better finish. One of these days, I'm going to post a cheesy blog that tells about how wonderful everyone is doing, feeling, etc....What a great day that will be!

Not again

2009-01-12T21:11:00.000-08:00

So last year I had two ambulance rides from my school. Once was for falling on the ice in the parking lot (they thought I had concussion), and the other was for herniating my L5 while picking up a clipboard off the ground. So, at the end of 2008, I jokingly told my school secretary that I was excited for no ambulance rides in 2009!

And that's where I should have kept my mouth shut. It seems like lately, if I joke about anything, or act as though life is going smoothly, the recently laid rug gets pulled out again.

I was sitting at my desk today, sipping on my coffee, and enjoying the few minutes of peace and quiet in between my 1st grade class and my 4th grade class when I felt as though someone had reached inside my body, grabbed my heart, and squeezed tight around it. Shooting pains started to race down my left arm, and I started sweating, and had difficulty breathing. Being the ridiculous person I am, I looked up "chest pains" on the Internet, wondering if I should tell anyone about it. It lasted about 3 minutes before I decided that I might want to talk with my school nurse. So, heart and left arm still in a great deal of pain, I walked down to the office and asked to see our school nurse. She immediately had me lay down, took my blood pressure, which was quite high (for me), and found my pulse to be quite high too. I could actually hear and feel my heart pounding, which was quite unsettling.

So, yet again, my school had to call for an ambulance to come and take me to the hospital. Once in the ambulance, the EMT's tried to get an IV started in me so that they could start some nitroglycerin so that my veins would dilate, and so they could check some things out. 4 pokes later, no IV...they said my veins were "interesting." They also couldn't get a good read on one of the tests in my heart, which was somewhat concerning to them.

Once we got to St. Luke's, I was wheeled right into a room, where a nurse and doctor both appeared within minutes. They don't mess around with potential heart problems. My nurse had blood drawn and an IV started within a few minutes, and my doc ordered X-Rays and blood work. My chest pains had started to recede, although my left arm was still hurting.

Luckily, thankfully, I had not had a heart attack. Instead, I was diagnosed with inflammation of the chest (the inside :) and of my arm. With there still being some lingering pain, my doctor put me on some very, very strong pain medication.

If you know anything about any of my hospital experiences, you will know that pain medication is always a touchy subject. I have yet to find one that leaves me a sane person. Today was no different. Apparently as soon as the stuff kicked in (within a matter of seconds) I started to ask the same questions repeatedly, and then tried to tell Chris many secrets, including something about his birthday surprise. He was with it enough to insist that I not tell him anything about it, and patiently answered my questions, no matter how many times I asked them.

I was so glad Chris got there to meet me. I fell into tears many times on the ambulance ride over, sometimes in fear of what was happening, but also in grief as I remembered my dad, and the time I had to convince him to put the oxygen tube back in his nose just a day or two before he died.

My administrator Lynnie drove over to meet me too. I cannot begin to say what a great administrator I have. The docs and nurses were all amazed that a principal would actually take the time out of her day to come and be with me in the hospital. She welcomed me back to Nampa by offering me a job, has been praying for me for many years, and has always come to the hospital during my many stays. ;) I am so fortunate to call her both boss and friend.

And then of course there is my dear husband, who has taken care of me today from the moment he got to the hospital, and is still taking care of me. Some husbands get frustrated when their wives get sick...mine is so good to me, and I am so lucky to have him.

So the plan is to try and take things low-key, although I'm planning on going to work tomorrow, since writing lesson plans would cause more stress than just showing up. Hopefully the kids will be nice to me. :) And hopefully the inflammation dies down soon...the pain is still a little intense at time.

And thank you to those who prayed for me. Your prayers are your best gifts to me and my family.

And now, to bed. Thank you Lord for the gift of life. May I serve You with that in mind each day.

2009-01-04T15:14:00.000-08:00

Best and Worst of 2008 (with grateful appreciation to Kara Franklin)

Now realize these may have come out years before...I just didn't experience them or really get into them until 2008

Book(s) - Best: The Harry Potter Series. I'd never read a single one before this summer, and then read them all in a matter of two weeks. Don't judge them until you've read them! Worst: The Children of Hurin. Awful, depressing. Good writing of course (it's Tolkien), but makes you kind of want to shoot yourself.
Movie -Best: The Jane Austen Book Club, Worst: Definitely, Maybe
Song - Best: In Christ Alone (worship song), Worst: Probably something I had to teach my kindergartners. Some of their songs are lame-o
Memory - This might not be the "best", but having my son go through major surgery. Second honeymoon to Texas would definitely be the best. Worst: Having someone ask my son Andrew point blank if he was stupid and just pretending to be deaf.
Something new I've started - Best: publicly blogging and dying my hair. Worst: Spending a lot on getting my hair done
Quote - Best:"Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Worst: "You can't help who you love"
TV show -Best: The News (I'm a nerd) Worst: Survivor (China)
New artist - I'm more into old artists. :) But I do like my artist at Studio D who does my hair :)
Presidential vote - Barack Obama
Person -Best: My husband, Worst: me, at times
Place - Best: Corpus Christi, Texas or the Starbucks down the street, Worst: Target...okay it's the best, but I spend so much money there!
Something I'm proud of -Making it through the year feeling that I firmly rested on the strength and wisdom of God
Something I wish I could go back and do differently-Be more on top of my finances

Doing and being

2009-01-03T11:52:00.000-08:00

I feel completely differently about 2009 than I did about 2008. For 2008, I made no resolutions. Not one. I didn't even think about it.

2008 was simply a year when I let whatever was going to happen...happen. Life was such a roller coaster leading up to January of last year that I didn't really even consider trying to break out of what was about to come. I just prayed for the strength to be able to handle it, and for God's will to be done.

I don't think that was a bad perspective. Looking back on the year, I don't think there was really any other way to handle it. There was nothing I was going to be able to do to keep my sons from being diagnosed with their various things. Metaphorically, the water had been at or above my head for quite a while. I wasn't going to do anything that would potentially add more.

January of 2009, on the other hand, has simply been a time for me to think about what I want to do to better myself and my family's situation, and a time for setting goals to accomplish that. I'm much more optimistic about 2009 and what exciting things are going to happen, rather than simply bracing myself for the difficulties I knew would ultimately come.

I've never been much for resolutions, but God has been clearly pointing out areas in my life that need to be changed. Attitudes, perspectives, habits...

So I'm excited for this New Year. I feel newly rejuvenated and motivated. Andrew is making huge gains, and I can't wait to see what he is able to do by January of 2010. My beautiful little girl will be starting kindergarten this year! I'm excited for the opportunities of learning and social interaction that school will afford her.

Jeffy, I am determined, will learn to walk and talk in 2009. It may not be when I want him to (that would have been a few months ago) but through whatever means we need to do whether it's therapy or what have you, he'll be able to do those things. And I will get to know my little boy even better.

Chris and I have moved into an area past just healing and now into full-on growth. I'm excited for what God is going to teach me through my marriage. We're teaching a new Sunday School class that has opened up so many doors of discussion and spiritual growth. Thank you Lord for that opportunity! But with all that, I know that I can be a much better wife and friend to my husband. God, please help me to look to You as the source of my hope and strength, so that I may in turn be able to give more to my husband, rather than looking to him to provide those things instead.

And I'm going to turn 30 this year. What in the world? When did that happen? But what a great wakeup call. Life will pass us by so quickly.

I want to be an excellent teacher. Not just a good teacher, but an excellent one. In some cases, I see these kids for only a few weeks before they're uprooted to another school. Lord, let your light shine through me so that in some miraculous way, they can be pointed ever closer to You.

I want to be a colleague that is encouraging, affirming, but who can also be constructively honest. I've been reworking conversations over and over in my head. I don't have it all figured out, and I think sometimes I try to come across as though I do. I have had several moments of humility come upon me because of my sometimes know-it-all-ish attitude. Lord, help me to be more like you.

I want to be a good friend. I tend to be a person that may know a lot of people through various situations, but keeps my real friends to a smaller number. There are many things I think of doing for people, but generally tend to just let them go by the wayside as I continue to focus on me. I am praying that my eyes will not only be opened to the ways I can love my friends, but that I will also be provided with the motivation to follow through.

And spiritually, I am determined to allow enough silence in my life to let God tell me what He actually wants me to focus on, which of course might rule out a bunch of goals I've just set. :)Lord, please show me the path you would have me follow each day. Help me to learn from the past, but not to dwell on it...and to build a home for my children and husband that enables us to look to the future with glad expectation while enjoying the delights of each present day.

I have not attained all that I can, and certainly have much to learn. But I am excited for what this year brings. Thank you Lord for bringing us to this point.

Then end of 2008

2008-12-31T16:11:00.000-08:00

What a year! After 2007, I expected 2008 to be a breeze...although even with the challenges we've faced, I would definitely still do 2008 over 2007 any day. 2007 sucked. :)

January: On the 23rd, Jeffy was diagnosed with metopic craniosynostis, and Andrew was diagnosed with autism. I still can't believe we did both of those appointments in one day.

February: Jeffy had his ridiculous skull/brain surgery to fix the early fusing of his skull. I remember the tears that came as I passed my little guy off to the surgeons. Healing came quickly after surgery, and he looks fantastic.

March: I think that was an "easy" month? :)

April: I bent down to pick up a clipboard off of my classroom floor and herniated my L5. Ouch! Luckily, my fifth graders were good enough to get help. That was my second ambulance ride of 2008. :)

May: I pretty well finished up my last month of my first year at Iowa Elementary. It was not the easiest of years, but I was definitely blessed to be able to get a job at the school. Great teachers, great staff, great kids.

June: Second honeymoon to Texas! Even better than our first honeymoon.

July: A trip to the Oregon coast, and the celebration of my daughter's 4th birthday.

August: My son Jeff and I celebrated our birthdays on August 8, along with my twin sister. My 7th anniversary hit a few days later, and I am so glad we were able to celebrate it with so much joy. First ever family camping trip at Wallowa Lake..what a blast! And then, the start of my second year at Iowa Elementary. A much smoother start, a much better year so far.

September: Kadee Joy started ballet, and has been so fun to watch as she continues to improve.

October, November: Good months, and Andrew started preschool in November after turning three years old. What a blessing to have him get right into to a great school that he LOVES. We had a visit from my brother and sister-in-law as well, which was fantastic.

December: Jeffy diagnosed with reactive arthritis. He is now responding to the steroids, and is (hopefully) getting closer to walking. We had visits from two different sets of grandmas and one grandpa, and are now getting ready to have some friends over for New Year's Eve.

Thank you Lord for your protection during this year. Thank you for the strength you provide us in times of doubt or fear. And thank you Lord for the plans you have for our lives...So much better than any we could hope for.

May we be used for your good purpose in the coming year.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Strength

2008-12-24T06:13:00.000-08:00

First off...thank you all for the comments. I never quite know if I'm supposed to respond to them, but I do appreciate them. So many of your blogs are such an encouragement to me.

And now, for this one...

About two years ago I received the clearest calling from God I have ever received in my life. My marriage had disintegrated, my mind was in turmoil, and I was sick every morning with the nausea that accompanied my third pregnancy.

God called me in that moment to keep going with my marriage. Literally everything about the situation was calling me to give in. Everything. There were so many times when I just wanted to end it, feeling that if I ended it I would also end the pain that met me nearly every moment of every day.

In spite of this temptation to just be done, with the strength of God and the knowledge of his calling on my life, I kept going. And eventually, after much, much waiting, God showed me why He had called me to stick with it. Chris and I found a reconciliation, a resurrection, and a new calling in our redeemed marriage.

I've written about this experience before, but today God struck me with a new truth. The calling is not over. There are still days, weeks when it feels like the easiest thing to do would just not be to work on my marriage; days when I feel that things are just getting too hard, or days when ghosts of the past rear their ugly heads long enough to make me doubt this calling.

But God's calling in our lives is always going to be fought by the temptations in this life for a quick fix. Ending my pain by ending my marriage, or worse, my life, was a temptation that I know I am not alone in feeling. But of course, the truth of the matter is that it would not have ended my pain, or made life easier...the price Satan exacts for the sin he brings you into is your ultimate destruction and death, and with a far greater amount of pain, for both you and the people around you.

I guess I'm just reminded that we each have a calling on our life, one placed by God, and one that will sometimes seem harder than it should be and its' importance blurred by the constant distractions and issues of life. But I amazed at how knowing what my calling was and is helped me to continue the journey, even when light or hope was unable to be seen or felt. My calling has taken me to places I had not imagined, and never would have been able to do without going on the journey I've been on. I always have to suppress a smile when people arrogantly say that they would never be or put themselves into certain situations. God knows us so much better than we know ourselves, and has an ultimate plan for our lives that is generally far outside of our small realm of thinking.

And in my life, God has used the past and present hardships to grow me, painful though it is sometimes, and to help me draw closer to Him.

God, grant me the strength and vision to continue in Your calling on my life.

It has a name

2008-12-18T17:34:00.000-08:00

Today, our rheumatologist diagnosed Jeffy with Reiter's syndrome, or reactive arthritis. It doesn't normally hit kids this young...but apparently that is what it is. He found the arthritis in Jeffy's ankles. Reactive arthritis can hit a variety of places, and is technically a chronic autoimmune disease. But the stats on it are pretty promising. About half the people who are diagnosed with it don't ever have another episode again after they've been healed. But I should say that I know very little about it, having only heard of it four hours ago. And our son has it.

So we start steroids tonight, which should heal him from his current attack. Thank you for your prayers, particularly in that we would find the source of Jeffy's pain. It has been found, and we will do what we need to do to get him healed.

The Rudder of a Ship

2008-12-13T22:47:00.000-08:00

Anyone else been having trouble with their mouths lately? Mine has been sailing me into rough waters. With the same mouth that tells my husband I love him, I also manage to tell him hundreds of little, tiny criticisms or complaints that just steadily steer me into storms.

If you know Chris Tiner at all, you probably know many of his strengths. If not, let me tell you about them. ;)

I first met Chris at NNU, although he first saw me before he ever became a student there. He was the loudest, most talkative person I had ever met. I stood next to him in Northwesterners, and I had no idea what to do with him. He would poke me in the ribs all the time, and as most of you probably know, the man has no bubble. I think the poking was a physical attempt to pop my very large personal space bubble.

One of the things that amazes me so much about my husband is his perserverance. Once he finds something he wants, he pursues it wholeheartedly. I found myself on the receiving end of this pursuit once he decided that I was the one for him. At one of our rehearsals, he asked me out nine times. And I said no every single time except for the last when, out of exasperation, I realized it would be the only way to get him to stop. Did I secretly love the pursuit? Of course. :)

He didn't make it to the first date before finding a different way into my heart. He came over to "study" with my sister for a religion class they were taking, but they never got there. He'd brought his guitar and played for me instead. After that, we were inseperable. Apparently we shocked the campus with the mixture of our personalities. It's funny to me now that Chris and I were such an odd pair. I mean, we still are in a lot of ways, but now I can't imagine my life without him.

Chris is an extremely talented man, and I got a recent reminder of that. I was at a ladies night out at my church doing one of the season's many gift exchanges when all of a sudden "Silent Night" broke into the air. Listening, I honestly thought it was a recording. But, oh no...it was my husband with his quartet. He came in with his folder in hand and sang in his beautiful bass voice. While he was singing, I beamed with pride (I think I beam?), and was amazed that this man was my husband, and that I actually got to take him home with me.

He leads worship at our church, and uses his gifts of music and words wonderfully well. Getting people comfortable around me is not easy...for Chris it is as natural as breathing. He has such a wonderful way of finding things in common with other people, and with humor gets them to feel welcome. His hugs are constant, and his teasing rarely fails to put a smile on people's faces.

Chris and I have never had an easy marriage, mainly due to the huge differences in our personalities and mode of communication. But I love the fact that our differences bring about such positive sharpening of the other person. Chris has opened my eyes to so many different worlds, is always looking for ways of showing me that he loves me, and is such a comfort to me in difficult times.

He is a WONDERFUL dad. And if you've ever seen him with our dear Andrew, you'll realize just what an amazing person he is. He stays at home with our kids so that Andrew has the best chance at this life, of getting the help that he needs. I may joke about Chris having a big head, but finding a man with the humility to stay at home and take care of the kids and house is a rarity, and I am lucky enough to be married to one.

We have had our deep valleys. There was a time when I was quite certain we were done. But the thing that I have grown to love most about my husband is his love for his Lord. In the darkest, deepest pit, he saw God's path for him, and with his perserverant heart climbed out of the pit to get back onto God's path. He has not turned back, and he continues to press on, even though the chains of the past frequently seek to try and hold him back. And sometimes, sadly, I am the one bringing the chains. I praise God for protecting Chris, and for giving him the strength that he has needed to continue on this road of peace.

Right now he's out on a body call...Not a booty call :)...a body call. At night, he is on call for a funeral home, and when he gets a call, he goes to houses or hospitals to pick up the body of someone who has died and takes the body to the funeral home. He does this so that he can still stay home with our kids. What an amazing man.

He has never been one to shy away from helping with diapers, he is the cook in our family, and he is the main communicator. I always laugh when people bring up the typical number of words the husband says compared to the typical number of words the wife says. Our numbers are definitely quite the opposite. He has always included me in his discussion of sports, and always lets me know as soon as something tragic, awesome, or anything in the middle has happened to one of his teams, players, or even anyone he thinks I might be interested in. I am lucky in that...he is always trying to include me in the interests of his life.

He is a closet genius. He has a goofy front that he puts out a lot, but underneath this is a man far more intelligent than myself, with a brain that can sort out an amazing range of subjects. He is one of the best spellers I've ever met, dominates at Trivial Pursuit, and can figure out most strategy games within the first few minutes of playing. He is always my competition in games, and generally beats me, although he does so graciously most of the time. His coordination is amazing, and I am always so proud of him when he plays sports, dances, or plays the piano or guitar.

I could go on and on, and the sad thing is, I rarely do. I have always been one of those people who feels that they should compliment rarely so that when one is given, it is taken for great worth. There is a little bit of good in that, but it has kept me from saying so many things that would have been so encouraging to other people, and what help is that?

This holdout has hurt my husband the most. There are SO MANY things that are wonderful about my husband, and most people have rarely heard me comment on any of them. He is an exceptional man, passionate, obviously with some faults, but overwhelmingly with so many strengths. I am blessed to call him my husband, and find myself frustrated constantly with how infrequently I am the one in the right. :) He is wise beyond his years, humble at his core being, and a truly wonderful husband and man of God.

So Lord, teach me how to steer my tongue in the direction of love, encouragement, and thanksgiving. And thank You for this wonderful man I am privileged to call my husband.

Jeffy's Pain

2008-12-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

The day Thanksgiving Break started was the day Jeffy started acting funny. Just odd, weird, fussy behavior. As the weekend progressed, his fussy behavior was accompanied by slow movement. He wanted to be held all the time, he was waking himself up by crying in the night. There weren't any other symptoms, though, so we didn't really know what to make of it. He then started showing a strained face whenever he had to hold up his neck, or go from a lying down position to a sitting position.

Sunday night, I realized that he didn't seem to be getting any better, so I told Chris he would need to try and get him into the doctor on Monday. The word meningitis had been suggested to me, so with that scary thought, I went to work, and Chris took Jeffy to our pediatrician on Monday. At his appointment, our pediatrician agreed that something was indeed wrong, but was confused by the lack of additional symptoms. So she ordered a slough of blood tests to be done, which Chris immediately took Jeffy to the lab to take care of. Jeffy and Chris came back home, and Jeffy's symptoms got worse. He was soon dragging one of his legs while he crawled, straining to move his head or body in any way...we were puzzled and worried, and had no idea what was wrong with our dear boy. I went to work on Tuesday, still thinking that it just might be meningitis.

It's never good when the pediatrician calls after hours. Our call came at 9:00 pm at night. The blood work results had come in. Jeffy was normal in all tests...but one. His SED (sp?) rate was abnormally high. The SED rate measures the amount of inflammation in the body. Normal is 5. Jeffy had 60. Our pediatrician mentioned two possibilities...arthritis or another type of autoimmune disease. We didn't really know what to make of these...and tried to let the information settle that night. The next day, our pediatrician called the specialists, and determined that Jeff needed to get in to a rheumatologist who deals with children with arthritis. I was a bit persistent with both offices, and was able to get Jeffy an appointment with the specialist for the 18th of December. The rheumatologist was quite insistent that he see Jeffy in two weeks, which apparently is rather rare. The usual wait is quite a bit longer.

Meanwhile, starting on Tuesday, Jeff wasn't able to stand up in his crib...or sit up. Or turn his head. He was crying and we knew he wanted to get up, but he just wasn't able to move. When I would go and get him out of his crib in the morning, his whole face would screw up in pain, and his entire body was rigid with it. I would lay him down on the ground so that he could play and he wouldn't move...at all. He would reach over for toys with his hand, but be unable to turn his head to look for them. We had to take to placing lightweight toys on his chest so the he could feel them, although he was not able to see them since that would involve moving his head down slightly. It was horrible. I've never seen any of my children in such terrible pain. He was on an anti-inflammatory, but about 2 hours before he was able to take his next dose, the medication would wear off and he would go back into the paralyzing stiffness and pain. When I called my doctor about that yesterday morning, she was shocked, and asked for us to come back in this Monday, but also added that he could have Tylenol halfway through the doses of Ibuprofen. This certainly seemed to help. When the pain medication had kicked in, he was totally different. As soon as it started wearing off, the pain was easy to read on Jeffy's face and in his movement.

So naturally, I've been reading up on Juvenile Arthritis, wondering if this could indeed be what is plaguing my son. It's a chronic, lifelong illness that can prey upon the young and can cause debilitating flare-ups that sounded eerily similar to what Jeffy is going through. As I started reading, I started to kick myself as I wondered if this was why Jeffy, at the age of 16 months, was still unable to walk, why he never put pressure back when someone would try to stand him on their laps, why it took him so long to start crawling, why he would sometimes move around with one leg looking as though he was trying to stand, and the other one dragging in the crawling position...I'd always been reassuredby others, and reassured myself that it was because of his skull and brain surgery, and that he was simply behind because of that.

And it still may be. Jeffy woke up this morning in a delightful mood, without the ibuprofen that he's been depending on for the past week. He seems to be moving well, at least well enough to crawl, although he's getting a little slower as the morning goes on. Is this episode over? Is the whole thing over? We'll find out soon enough I guess. For now, I am just so glad that his pain has subsided for the time being. I had forgotten what a happy child he normally is until he woke up this morning in such a good mood. He'd been so sad, so irritable, so full of pain, he had become a different child.

So we'll see what our pediatrician says on Monday.

And, as in all things, we will be put our baby boy back in the arms of his Heavenly Father, who in all things has been his Protector and the Keeper of his life.

So I'm one of THOSE parents

2008-11-25T21:16:00.000-08:00

I think that everyone has a certain idea of how they think things are going to be once they become a parent. I never had a better idea of how to raise children than when I didn't have any. As a teacher, I would often times find myself come up with quick and easy solutions on how to "fix" each of my difficult students. Ahhhh...the life of the ignorant.

Once I had children, I lost most of my easy fix solutions. Each of my kids were and are so different, and they've had their fair share of public humiliation (at least, for me) in the way of tantrums or screaming fits.

One thing that we often hear as teachers are how parents don't know that certain events were scheduled for certain days. "Mrs. Tiner, my mom doesn't know when the program is." "Did she get the three letters I sent out?" "I don't think my teacher gave me those letters...."

Then on Work Days, when there is no school, we always seem to have kids show up at the front door expecting to go to school, with their parents dropping them off. And the inevitable grumbling shows up in the staff lounge. "We sent out how many reminders, and announced it how many times this week? How could they not know that there is no school today. There's always SOMEBODY."

Well, today, it was my turn to get Andrew up for school. The alarm went off, I turned it off...and that's the last I remember until I woke up and saw that the alarm said 7:14. Andrew's bus comes promptly at 7:10. RATS! He'd missed the bus. So I jumped out of bed and informed Chris of the dilemma. I hopped into the shower while Chris got a sleepy Andrew ready for school. Chris defrosted the car for me while I got ready. Andrew and I jumped into the car and got to his school just a couple of minutes before it was supposed to start.

As I drove into the parking lot, I noticed that there were a TON of cars in the visitor parking. I had to park a little ways away, got Andrew out, put his little backpack on, and held his hand while we walked towards the school.

And that's when I noticed a familiar sight that did not bode well for Andrew. I saw teachers walking into the school with jeans on and Starbucks in hand. 2 minutes before the bell rings is a little late for 10 teachers to be walking into the school. And that's when I stopped one of them.

"Excuse me, is there school today?"

"No...," she said. "Idiot!" she thought.

I looked up at the reader board, and sure enough, November 25-28, no school.

So Andrew's school had ONE day this week. Odd to anyone else? We got back into the car, headed back home, I dropped Andrew off and then drove to my school, since we actually did have school today.

So I certainly had a nice taste of humble pie, and will now stick up for those poor parents who simply forget or honestly don't know that their kids don't have school, or who miss the three notes that let them know when certain events are happening. There is so much in life to keep up with! At least, that's what I'm telling myself today. :)

And on a very happy note, Andrew ended up having a great day at home, and actually ate a hot dog for dinner! Second time in the history of his life that he has eaten meat. I know that hot dogs are kind of questionable in the meat department, but hey, it's a start!

Saturday Update

2008-11-22T12:32:00.000-08:00

Apparently I grossed a few people out with my last post. Please understand...it was much grosser to deal with than it would have been to read about. I promise you. When you have 3 kids age four and under, sometimes the stories get gross.

So yesterday was an interesting day. I woke up being unable to walk without falling over or running into walls. All I kept thinking was, "I shoulda hadda V-8."

Anyway, my dear husband grabbed me around the waist, and walked me back to bed and kept getting the kids ready. Finally I realized that I would need to get up and get ready for work. So Chris monitored the noise while I took a shower, promising to come in if he heard a thud. :) I drove to school (don't worry, I think it's stupid now), and still was having trouble walking a straight line. Finally, after it was pronounced that my eyes looked weird, I was given a sub, and went home (Chris came and picked me up). I was dizzy and unable to walk well for a whole day. Not fun, let me tell you.

My poor dad had days like that all the time during the last five years of his life. I can't even imagine trying to function with that nearly every day for five years. Doctors never were quite able to tell exactly what was wrong. They kept changing the diagnosis up until he died...at least in regards to his vertigo/dizziness.

Today we've been doing our normal Saturday stuff. Kadee Joy went to ballet and didn't get that great a report on behavior...apparently she likes to do her own thing sometimes. I wish this had been surprising to me, but it sounded all too much like Kadee Joy. She's so her own person, which is fantastic in so many ways and just AGGRAVATING to her poor mother who is such a stick to the rules kind of a person. Ahhh, the stretching that parenthood brings.

We're excited for Thanksgiving next week. We're expecting a fun time with my brother Aaron and his wife Dina, Jason and Kaylene Hoyt, and Chris' brother Rich. I'm very excited to get to see my brother and Dina again. Kadee Joy is also especially thrilled. She adores both of them.

It was a somewhat volatile week at work. The pressures of education and the expectations put on educators are very, very high...and thus everyone's stress levels are following suit, and I'm afraid often turns very stressed people on other very stressed people, which doesn't help.

I had a great turnout from parents for my second grade Thanksgiving program, and the kids were great. Next is Christmas with the third graders. This is generally my busy time of year with programs, but so far it is going fairly smoothly.

That's it for now. I'm hoping the dizziness was temporary. Good day so far today, although I'll confess that I've been watching the new Harry Potter trailer over and over again...I can't wait for July!

Di-sgu-sting

2008-11-16T09:21:00.001-08:00

So last night I was laying next to Andrew while he was in the first few hours of sleep. I must have fallen asleep because I usually leave after he starts to fall asleep. I started to hear an odd sound. Andrew didn't change his movement at all, so I figured it must be something outside. Then the noise became more frequent...and then a smell accompanied it..and then I recognized the sound...GROSS.

Andrew had a RANK case of diarrhea. It was EVERYWHERE. I was glad I hadn't left last night. Otherwise, I can only imagine the devastation he would have made to our house as he traveled from his room to our room.

So I had to get him up, run him to the bathroom, peel off the gross clothes, and try to clean him off as best I could. It was like midnight, so I definitely didn't want to wake up the rest of the house. Unfortunately Andrew, who was still in the strange place between awake and asleep, was not happy about the cleansing he was going through and started to SCREAM. He kept trying to go back to his room, wanted his blanket, both of which were impossible because of the amount of grossness he had gotten all over him. Once I'd gotten him cleaned up and in a new diaper, I deposited him in our bed with a groggy Chris, and ran back out to clean up the rest of the room.

Anyway, it ended up that Andrew and I both slept in my room, Chris went to join Kadee Joy to get some more sleep, and Andrew was awake for much of the rest of the night with the cramping that often accompanies the Rhea. Chris got the other kids up and ready at the usual time, and Andrew and I slept in, sort of. He's still got it, although not as bad as it was last night.

It's funny though, because as I was laying there in the aftermath with Andrew snoozing away, I started to think about what I'd read with the whole "detox" thing we're doing with his diet. I remember specifically reading that 21 days into the detox, one little boy had had an exploding case of diarrhea, and had then started to act much more normal, displaying far fewer signs of autism, and being able to communicate in sentences and desiring to actually know the answer of the other person.

And so I started to imagine waking up and having Andrew ask me how I was, what I wanted to do, telling me about what he was thinking, etc...I mean, it's around day 21 of this diet, he just had the exploding diarrhea...

So this morning as Andrew was waking up, I looked over at him in great anticipation. He looked over at me, stretched, and then went "Joooooot?" Nothing different about that. That's how he always asks for Juice. "Gobet?" Know that one...he wants his blanket. "Sorry, but, it's still in the washer. I'll have to put it in the dryer." All he heard was "Sorry..." which to him means no. He did one of his muffled screams of frustration.

So no, no change. No miracle. Still Andrew with one word requests, or phrases that he wants you to repeat back so that he can quote a scene from a movie.

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I was so, so disappointed, and was putting so much hope in what my little guy would be able to do, just based on this diet.

What do I want for him, again? To be capable, contributing, and communicative. He has been making so much progress. And I know that. I'm afraid that the little episode of illness was nothing more than his body reacting to being in a public school for the first time.

Not the precursor to a miracle. Not an introduction into a world of normalcy. Or at least not an introduction into the world of normal communication. I guess I keep hoping for a miracle. As I was talking to Chris about it on his way out the door to church this morning, he said, "Steph, it's not like he's going to 'sober up' one day." I think in some sort of idealistic way I was hoping that he kind of would. I love my child, love who he is...and yet I still wish he could be different from who he is. I still wish that he could tell me things, that I could tell him things, that he would be able to have a conversation with a friend...that he could have a friend. That he could do and have all of those things RIGHT NOW.

No miracle.

At least, not today.

Or at least, not in the way I had hoped for.

It is a process, not a one night switch into to a new person.

Lord, teach me how to pray for my child.

Andrew's in school!

2008-11-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

So Andrew is officially going to school now. His little bus comes and picks him up bright and early at 7:10 am. These are honestly the best pictures we could get. :) So far he seems to be going okay. His first comments from his teacher were kind of funny. "He likes playtime. He likes playing with the horses. He is showing resistance to sitting and working at the table."

Yep, that's Andrew. The bus picture is a good indication of just how early it really is.

Poor Andrew! So tired!

Too tired to even look at the camera.

What a week!

2008-11-08T06:59:00.000-08:00

This week was quite eventful. Actually that's kind of a lame way of putting it. I really didn't know how I would get through this week. But here I am, on Saturday morning, listening to my kids (well, two of them) interact with their cousins at breakfast time.

The craziness started out when I first made plans to come to Tillamook for a dear friends wedding. She's getting married tomorrow, and Mom was gracious enough to fly us over. Chris decided to stay home with Andrew, since we weren't sure if his job would have him on call or not. So we bought tickets for me and Kadee Joy to fly over, and of course I would just bring Jeffy as a lap child.

We got a call on Sunday night from Chris' dad, and sadly had to inform Chris that his grandpa, a wonderful man in all respects, had passed away. Chris was obviously upset over it, and we kept his whole family in our prayers.

The next day, Chris let me know that he really felt that he wanted to go to Texas for the funeral. While I certainly wanted Chris to go, I had parent teacher conferences this week, and the flight he would take wouldn't get him back until two days after I left for Tillamook. Problem? Child care during the day, and a place for Andrew to go for two nights. Me taking Andrew just wasn't an option...Andrew freaks out on plane rides, and I knew that if he decided to run in the airport, I would have to ditch the other two to chase after him. This wouldn't be safe for anyone.

Well, God was very gracious in allowing two places for Andrew to go while we were gone. Chris flew out for Texas on Tuesday. That was Election Day, and I still have my Washington license. So, wanting to make sure I would be able to vote in Idaho, I went to the DMV to change my driver's license to an Idaho one. I thought it would just be a matter of giving them my old license, showing proof of address, and paying a fee, since it had only been two years since I'd had an Idaho license. But oh, no...I had to take the written test. So, I arrogantly set off to take the test, thinking I'd pass it with flying colors.

The Idaho test is taken on a touch screen with ANCIENT computers. You were supposed to touch the answer, and then click on a confirmation button. Problem? The touch screens were TERRIBLE. Each answer had to be clicked, I kid you not, at least 20 times before it would go on to the confirmation part. I took me an hour to take a 40 minute test. And not because I needed that long to answer the questions. It was just that slow.

So, as my anxiety built (I had to get back to teach), my confidence started to shake. I ended up FAILING the freaking test by ONE answer. I felt so dumb...So I have to go back next week and take it. I missed all the questions that were like, "If there is a car coming towards you with its' headlights on, do you dim your headlights at 100 feet, 200 feet, 300 feet, or 500 feet?"...all feet questions. Like I can actually tell the exact number of feet I am away from a vehicle. DUMB. So my head was hung low as I left with my driver's manual, told to return after three days.

Luckily it didn't impair my ability to vote. Chris voted before he left, and I voted before I went and picked up the kids from the babysitters house. I felt good about my votes, and watched the elections later that night with my kids.

On Tuesday night, I received a visit from a man dressed as a police officer (I'm still a little suspicious as to whether or not he was actually a police officer) who informed me that there had been a string of burglaries in the neighborhood, and that the suspect had been seen hanging out right in front of our house. I was to call if I saw anything or anyone suspicious. Awesome. Naturally I slept well that night. :)

So, the kids went to a babysitter during the next day, we snuggled at night, and then on Thursday Jeffy, Kadee Joy, and I flew out, while Andrew stayed behind. And it was Andrew's third birthday. :( He SCREAMED, when I took the other two to the car. I came back in and he came up, bawling, and wrapped his arms around me, saying "Bye-bye? Bye-bye?", indicating that he wanted to go with us. It was AWFUL.

So we left for the airport, and right before we were supposed to fly out, I got a call from Chris. He had lost his wallet and its' entire contents in Texas. Credit cards, driver's license, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD (which of course you are NEVER supposed to carry around), everything. He'd lost it and he couldn't find it. Apparently he had put it on top of the rental car, got distracted, and then drove off.

So, I was supposed to go and get the rental car in Portland without a valid credit card (when Chris canceled his, it automatically canceled mine). I was a little unhappy. However, I kept together my desire to freak out, and told him that I would pray for him and that somehow he would be able to get back home (ever tried to fly without ID?...we know of one person who was able to do it...).

So, I ended up flying over without problems (Jeffy was VEEERY good on the plane and Kadee Joy was pretty good...she kind of freaked out the girl sitting next to us by asking her to say and spell her first, middle, and last names), and then got our luggage and went to the car rental place. My debit card still worked, so they took that gladly...and tacked on an extra 20%. Great.

So we drove it horrifically stormy weather across the Wilson River highway, which is a ridiculously curvy road, and of course Kadee Joy threw up. Finally we arrived at Mom's house, and everyone was very happy.

Then, yesterday afternoon, I got another call from Chris. In a last ditch effort he had called the Corpus Christi police again and asked if they'd found a wallet. They asked his name, which he gave, and said "Oh yeah, it's here. Would you like to come get it? We tried to contact Northwest Nazarene University but they had no current record of you." Real quick thought...Chris is a current STUDENT at NNU...why the heck wouldn't they have any info on him?

ANYWAY, so he went and claimed it, and everything except for 10 dollars was in there. So Chris can come home, and still has his Social Security card. :)

We've been having a fantastic time at Mom's house, and Andrew slept through the night while visiting the first house he stayed at. Chris is on his way back to Nampa today, and hopefully will have a great reunion with Andrew. I got to have a very fun night last night at the "groom's dinner" of my friend, and I get to go to the wedding today. I'm getting to see my family, enjoying Starbucks and non-casein, gluten free food.

Life is good...and hopefully will stay uneventful for the next few days. :)

I don't KNOW why I'm crying!

2008-11-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

So today was my day to cry. Since going on an anti-depressant over a year and a half ago, I have very few days where I cry. It's not that I don't feel sad anymore...I'm just not crying every few hours, every day like I used to. But today, the floodgates were open and I let loose...right before my appointment to get my hair done.

For the most part during the week I feel great in the morning, energized at work, happy with the way things are working out...And then I get home. And once I get home, I go into shutdown mode. I literally lose all motivation to get anything accomplished. I feel physically exhausted, emotionally drained, and want so badly just to sleep. But of course, Chris has been at home all day with the kids, and he too would like a break.

I was trying to figure it out today. Trying to figure out why I feel so exhausted, why I felt so emotional today, why I started crying when I did.

I think that I'm just starting to hit a bit of a wall. These past five years have not been anywhere near stable. In fact, in God's presence and His Word are the only places where I have found any sort of stability. And I know that that's a life lesson many people have yet to learn, and something that Christians are supposed to try to learn. But today I just really felt like I wanted life to calm down...even if it was just for a little bit.

Andrew started his glutein free, casein free diet, which basically means he can't have anything he used to eat. And while we are seeing improvements, trying to get him to eat, which has always been a struggle, is now quite exhausting. But we are determined to stick with it, hoping that it will bring him more clarity of mind and help him to adapt to each environment more easily.

On Thursday we had his second meeting at his new school. This was the IEP meeting where we set goals for Andrew, and where we get all the paperwork in to get him enrolled. The meeting went much more smoothly than the first, even with Andrew running around constantly, trying to color on any surface he could find. We finally have a service coordinator, and she is WONDERFUL, and was also at the meeting. So Andrew will start his special preschool on November 10th.

I had my first program of the year (the first of three in the next 6 weeks), and it went well. We had our school carnival, which also went well. It was a little hard in some ways, though, because it kind of reinforced the isolation I feel sometimes with my position. Grade level teams all hang out together, work together, made baskets to sell together...and then there's me. Alone in the music room. Normally it doesn't bother me, and I try to include myself in various roles, but sometimes it just feels downright lonely to have to try and include myself, rather than naturally be included. I don't get automatic lunch plans on collaboration/work days, or continuous daily collaboration with colleagues...I have to find and make time for those things completely on my own. I realize this sounds like a pity party, but please know that I really do love my job. The natural isolation is just harder some times than others.

And then we went to the Halloween party where Andrew was in his usual "lots of people" form. He started throwing rocks into the small duck pool (I think it was supposed to be a game?), which of course was not okay. I foresaw another summer playdate tragedy coming, and tried to take him somewhere else. We stumbled across a small stream with lots of rocks next to it...perfect! At least, perfect for Andrew to throw rocks. Not so perfect for socializing with other grownups from my church.

And Andrew has not been sleeping...again. The melatonin was working great, but for the past few nights he's been up again, wide awake, and taking off all his clothes.

So, I'm tired. Very, very tired. And Chris is too. Andrew's diet and behavior are very isolatory as well (as far as going out in public), so we're kind of stuck in our house a lot. And that's really okay, most of the time. But while I would never trade having Andrew, there are days like this when I reminisce about the days when I didn't have to survey the environment for potential triggers, obstacles, or safety issues, and where we could go wherever we wanted to, for as long as we wanted to.

But this is life. And God is so faithful in giving us the strength that we need for each day.

Lord, please carry me tonight.

The problem with random thoughts...

2008-10-25T00:29:00.000-07:00

So the blog that I wrote right before this one was written BEFORE I ready Jenny McCarthy's book "Mother Warriors." This one is being written at 1:30 am AFTER I have finished the book.

I think I spoke too soon. And if you read my blog on humility, you can appreciate how much I hate being wrong. But I also really hate being judgmental, and I was, to a great fault, on this one.

Her premise is not that she "cured" her son of autism, but rather that she recovered him from it. The amount of changes to his diet, therapies both conventional and non, were quite extreme, and took time. She also listed the stories of mothers who had gone through or were going through the same things.

And in those stories I saw myself and Andrew, although we have yet to go to the extreme measures that these "Mother Warriors" have gone to with their children. I have not yet even remotely explored the depth of possibilities that people have found to be successful. And I will wholeheartedly admit that my mother-in-law, despite my skepticism, took lactose out of my son's diet while he was visiting her for two weeks (during Jeff's surgery), and two days after he came back, he was able to point to body parts and accurately identify them. And I don't believe that was a coincidence. And while his speech certainly was not always understandable, the amount of speech he tried, and still uses, went from from almost completely non-verbal to constant jabbering.

And the thing that I really misspoke on was her attitude that a certain regimen would work for every child. She never says that. And she very clearly states that she knows that some parents have tried the things she did and found no success in them, and expresses great sadness about that fact.

But she continues, and I agree with her, that just because a certain change in diet, or a certain drug, or certain other extreme therapies I had never heard of doesn't help your particular child does not mean that they won't help another. So while I still am not sold on the vaccine thing (although you'd better believe I'm digging out my son's vaccine card to see what the date of his MMR shot was) I think that in many points she was right on the money.

So, Jenny McCarthy, I apologize, even though I realize that you will probably never read this blog. You were trying to give hope to a growing number of parents who find themselves trying desperately to recover their own children, and I applaud you for that. I all too quickly jumped on the bandwagon of despair and judgment, and am joyful for you in being able to get your son back.

Random thoughts

2008-10-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

I think that I have seen that title on every blog I've ever read.

Random Thought #1: I'm really not a big fan of Jenny McCarthy's views of autism. She's all about "greening our vaccines." She claims that the mercury-tainted vaccines, or aluminum, or something in our vaccines are what cause autism.

I don't know how many more studies need to come out saying that there is NO LINK between vaccinations and autism, but I'm really getting tired of hearing about more studies looking for the non-existent link. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, send that money to fund research on other techniques or drugs that will help our kids who already have autism.

It also is very difficult to hear that she has cured her son of autism. I'm very skeptical of this...curing autism is something supported by virtually no one in the medical world. It's a different way of thinking, perceiving, feeling...not a disease to be cured. Changes in diet, medication, and continuous therapies can help the child to adapt more easily and act more "normal", but it never fully "cures" the child. At least not from what I've read. I'm not above believing in miraculous healing...but I also don't believe that there is a prescribed set of medications, diets, and exercises that will always "cure" a child with autism. It's too broad, to distinct in each case, too varied in its' symptoms from child to child.

Random Thought #2: We had an AWESOME experience with Andrew last night. Andrew has the arm of a Major League pitcher. His accuracy and speed of pitch are amazing. He hurls things so fast and so hard that he could easily dent walls, bruise skin, and break glass. Last night as we were riding back home, Andrew finished with his glass of juice. Sometimes he just drops the cup on the ground. Sometimes he asks for more. Last night, he chucked it as hard as he could. As it so happened, my head happened to be in his juice cup's path. I didn't have any idea it was coming either, as Chris and I were in the middle of what was a very deep conversation. So when it hit my head, I let out of scream of both pain and surprise.

Andrew is not particularly sensitive to sound, at least not in comparison to many kids with autism are. However, the human scream is one he cannot hear without tears of his own. He immediately began bawling, and while I wanted to comfort him, I spent the first 30 seconds after the hit rubbing my very sore head.

Then all of a sudden, breaking through the sobs, we heard Andrew shout, "SAAAA-WWWWYYY!" (SOOOOOORRRRY! (sorry)) And then he kept saying it. "Sawwy! Sawwy! Sawwy!" while the tears kept flowing. I finally (after a bit of shock) turned around and took Andrew's hand and held while I told him that it was okay. He finally settled down, and we continued on our way home.

It was an amazing moment because it wasn't prompted, because it was connected to another human being's feelings, and because it was at the appropriate time and setting. Yay, Andrew! He's getting it!

Random Thought #3: I miss the days of illness accompanied by concern, care, and rest. Before kids, both Chris and I were pretty good about trying to take care of the other person. Chris was particularly caring and nurturing.

Now, though, with three kids and a shortage of time and sleep, it's every spouse for themselves. And since Chris is home all day with the kids, he's certainly put in his time with them by the time I get home. So, no rest for the weary. :)

Random Thought #4: I went to NNU today to pick up something for Chris, and while I was there saw the sights and smelled the smells so unique to NNU. Immediately, memories of my college days came back, and I became a little wistful as I remembered those days when studies, coffee, and friends were the primary responsibilities and pleasures to be had.

"Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean.
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise from the heart and gather in the eyes
in looking on the happy autumn fields
and thinking of the days that are no more."

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Sick day, sick day

2008-10-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

I do actually have a tune in my head while I type my title. It has been YEEEEEAAAARRRRS since I have actually had paid sick days to take. Usually they all go to maternity leave. So yesterday, when my frustration continued to mount as my voice continued to leave me, I decided to plunge ahead and take a sick day. So I put out a sub request, got my lesson plans in order, contacted the necessary people, and TOOK IT!

So now it's 8:23 on a school day and I am not going to school. Instead, I'm drinking my tea, listening to my children interact, my husband organize (a fantastic sound), and my refrigerator run. And while I don't feel well, I definitely feel relaxed.

The battle for sleep had a victory last night. Andrew was going on 4 weeks of sleeping only a few hours a night (with us also only sleeping a few hours). Chris and I were at each other's throats constantly, bringing back vivid memories of our first newborn experience ("I just got up with her! You get up with her!"), and neither of us were really getting any good sleep.

So then last Saturday, Chris went to one of his city league football games and got reacquainted with a guy who does a great deal of work with autism. He suggested melatonin, which is a homeopathic pill that adds a hormone that children with autism are oftentimes greatly lacking in. This hormone happens to be the one that also tells your brain you're tired and you need to go to sleep. At least, this is the theory behind the pill.

So we were all over that idea, and I went out and bought a bottle of the stuff. So far, it has worked WONDERS, and Andrew had his first full night of sleep last night. I don't remember the last time Andrew has slept through the night. As a result, our whole family was able to sleep through the night, although Chris did get up once to check on Andrew when he though he heard him moaning. Cup refill, Andrew takes a drink, Andrew is quiet again, and still asleep.

So we are all in great moods this morning, although it looks like I may have given the illness that plagues me to my kids. I'd love to say that I'm not going to do anything today, but that would be untrue. Chris is going to try and get little errands done, I'm going to try and catch up on the laundry, and anything else I can do around here.

So it's a sick day, but a good day. And we're very grateful for the sleep we were given.

Saturday morning fun

2008-10-11T10:22:00.000-07:00

So here I sit, writing a blog, dressed warmly, listening to the sound of typing as well as my boys drinking their milk and playing with toys. Our house is warm compared to the freezing wind outside. We all just dropped Kadee Joy off at ballet. She is just the cutest think ever in her black leotard, pink tights, and hair pulled back into two buns. The house is much quieter without her here, although we'll be going to pick her up again in just a few minutes.

Andrew isn't sleeping well. He has so many sensory issues that I think nighttime is just a little overwhelming. His pajamas always seem to bother him, he's always looking for something to chew on, and he's would just love for his mommy to stay next to him the whole night because he loves to be held close. And he's always singing or quoting something while he's trying to go to sleep...I think his mind has difficulty shutting off just like many grownups do, but there's nothing we've been able to find that helps him shut it down...he just has to keep quoting and singing until he's asleep.

And so with his lack of sleep comes our lack of sleep. Andrew can't be left to wander the house, which he would love to do, particularly as he has recently mastered unlocking the deadbolt. He also can break all our child locks on the doors, and likes nothing better than to raid (well, destroy) the pantry. But mostly he just loves to come into our room and wait for us to take him back to his room...or better yet, be so deeply asleep that he can sneak into our bed and try to go undetected for as long as possible.

I remember the days when he used to be able to sleep all night just by sticking him in his crib with a bottle. He would drink his bottle, fall asleep, and would stay there until we came to get him the next morning. Ahhh, the days.

Chris has football and worship team practice on Saturdays, so it's usually just me and the kids until around dinner time. I'm hoping that we all get a nap today (at the same time...), and that I am able to use the time I have with them for fun, snuggles, and anything else that seems to be restricted to the early days of childhood. I know these days will pass by sooner than I would imagine, and that they are not days I will be able to get back.

Off to get Kadee Joy!

"Out of the mouths of babes..."

2008-10-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

So first off Jeffy's standing. He's very funny because he loves to stand up (with the help of furniture) but gets tired very quickly and has no earthly idea of how to sit back down. So we have to rescue him quite frequently.

Secondly, Kadee Joy drew a family picture. One of the people in the picture stood out as having quite a large noggin. I asked her who it was and she answered, "Daddy." Chris came over, saw his image, and asked Kadee Joy why his head was so big. "Because you have a big head, daddy!"

Can I get an amen from those of you who know Chris well?

:)

Midnight Musings

2008-10-01T02:14:00.000-07:00

So first of all, let me just say that I reserve the right to pull this blog immediately upon posting it. It's not even midnight...it's 3:14 am as I begin to write this. If your wondering what a full-time teaching mother of three is doing writing a blog at this time in the morning instead of sleeping, don't worry, I'm sure I will be wondering the same thing when the real morning hits. But for now...I write.

I had some friends over last night, and one of the friends asked me, "So....what do you foresee for Andrew when he's, say, twenty?"

I didn't take a lot of time to think. I've thought a lot about it before. "Oh, he'll probably still be living with us."

She seemed a little shocked by this. So I explained. "Of course, the ultimate goal is to have Andrew be as independent as possible. And there are many places out there for people to live semi-independently who have disabilities and disorders of all kinds...and that is what we would hope for him. But Chris and I have always prepared ourselves for the very real possibility that he will live with us for the rest of his/our lives." But I went on to say that we really didn't know what Andrew would be capable of in two years, yet alone twenty.

As I was lying in bed tonight/this morning though...I started to think of the even more true reality that really NONE of us know what life will be like in twenty years. Our economy is crumbling, literally in front of our eyes. Hundreds of newly built subdivisions are as populated as ghost towns. Stores are closing. There are few industries who are not cutting jobs, and even fewer who are actually hiring more.

The way of life that I remember best is one of instant gratification on every front. And I am not immune to that lifestyle. My addiction to Starbucks is my best proof of that. I wonder if in twenty years I will scoff at the thought of paying so much money for what in reality is so little and unnecessary. Boredom and idleness are our nations' current epidemics. For much of America, myself included, the search for and time spent on entertainment far outweighs the amount of time serving those in need.

My sister and I were discussing the state of the economy last night, and particularly the houses that stand empty. She said something that intrigued me. "I wonder if we will look back on the rows of empty, lavish houses, and see them as monuments to our own greed." I think we will. My sister lives in a two bedroom attic apartment with her two sons and husband. Vancouver BC prices on gas, meat, milk, and of course housing are far higher than those even in places like Seattle, so they have lived with far more frugality than my family has. I know that she oftentimes feels like hitting people down here when they sigh at the lack of room they have in their 3 bedroom, two bath houses with a living room, full kitchen, and at least a dining room. She pays the same for rent as I pay for my mortgage, and I have a four bedroom, two bath house. And it's not because they're not careful with their money...The most basic of houses in Vancouver starts at around $500,000. And they're both pastors in a fairly small church...good luck. :)

But I envy her in many ways. She is content with her life, and if major changes are coming, there will be little she has to do to change her lifestyle.

I compare what I will have to do with those in the South before the civil war. They lived a lifestyle that was simply unsustainable. Only theirs was built on slave labor...mine is built on my dependency on being able to get what I want, when I want it, and to go where I want to go, no matter how far, when I want to go. Their still standing plantation mansions are their monument to times long past. I think ours will be our subdivisions, our empty malls, our Starbucks on every corner, our gas stations that no longer have anything to sell.

I realize that this sounds somewhat fatalistic. But I believe that if this change is coming, it is one that was inevitable, and one that will probably help us all to live the way Christ intended us to all along.

My go to guy

2008-09-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am not the cleanest woman in the woman. Okay, when I say that, I mean my house is not the cleanest in the world...hygienically, I think I'm personally alright. :)

It's not that I don't like a clean house...usually one of the first things I notice upon entering someone else's house is how clean and organized it is. And 99 times out of 100, the house I'm entering is more organized and clean than my own. And I then start thinking, "I need to organize my house. This is nice. Oh, look how the toys are in various, easily identified boxes and containers. Where are all the piles of papers? Where to they keep all their stuff? How come I can't keep my house this clean? I'm going to clean it when I get home."

And then I get home. And that's when I get overwhelmed. It's so much that I don't see the need to clean as it is that I have no earthly idea of where to start. My organizational skills are HORRENDOUS. When I start trying to organize, I end up with a bigger mess and more piles than I started with.

My daughter is the same way I am. Her room is generally a disaster, and I don't even know how to organize it to make it better. I don't remember a time in my life when I kept my room clean...And my mom is quite the neat freak.

Andrew doesn't seem to get that there's a mess. He just ends up destroying any organization anyway...If there's a stack of neatly folded laundry, his greatest delight is in throwing them all to the ground. He really likes lining up his toy cars and then throwing them all to the ground. So that adds a little to it as well.

Chris isn't a terribly messy person. And he's actually quite a genius at cleaning and organizing efficiently. Most of the time the house is well picked up when I get home.

And then there's Jeffy. We were at a birthday party the first time he displayed his gift of cleaning. There was a huuuuuuuuuuge pile of toys that Andrew had dumped out onto the ground before he had gone on to bigger and better things. Jeffy, who had just recently learned to crawl, reached the pile of toys and played for a few minutes.

And then the magic happened. He picked up one of the toys, and then hoisted himself up and put it in the large bin it belonged in. I watched, wondering if it was a fluke. But then he picked up another one and put it in. The kid can only say two words, but he will clean up without being told.

So now Jeffy is my go to guy when it comes to cleaning up. When it's Andrew who's made the mess, and I'm holding him in my arms while he's squirming and screaming while I try to make him clean up, Jeffy crawls over and immediately starts cleaning up.

He's also an excellent vacuum cleaner when it comes to crumbs. :) This part is gross, but also reassuring as it indicates he doesn't have a sensory issue in his mouth. Jeffy is watched very closely. His willingness to clean up, his eye contact, and his desire to try new foods is very reassuring. 1 in 94 boys are diagnosed with autism. If you have a child already diagnosed, subsequent children are given a 1 in 20 chance of being diagnosed...and that's Jeffy. He has a 1 in 20 chance of being diagnosed with autism.

So anyway, perhaps my household organizational problems will soon be on the mend as Jeffy seems to have inherited his daddy's ability to put things back in a place that makes sense.

Yaaaayyy Jeffy!

Lessons in humility

2008-09-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit of a know-it-all. It's sad but true. When I was younger, if I didn't know an answer I would just make one up. This kept up until high school and college. Then I would infuse what little truth I did know with a more interesting "twist". And I was quiet, and fairly intelligent, so it was seldom questioned.

I got called on it enough times in college to make me a slightly more humble person who might actually say "I don't know." Life has thrown enough curveballs at me to let me know that I don't know, that my experience in my life is MY experience and cannot always be generalized, and that there are areas of expertise that I might not actually belong to.

I also have a weak tendency towards sticking with the things that I know I do well, and shutting out most areas that I don't immediately excel in. I try every once in a while...but I'm a person who really, really gets a lot out of verbal affirmation, and I usually get more of it sticking to the usual things.

Well, God has pointed out to me twice in the last 24 hours that even just sticking to things I think I do well still do not completely protect me from the occasional humiliation that will remind me once again that I am human, certainly not perfect, and still have much to learn.

The first came last night at choir practice. Our usual accompanists were gone, so we had another gal from our church doing it. And she was doing a great job. Then we got hit with a song that had a lot trickier rhythms in it, and she seemed a little hesitant to try and sight-read it. So naturally, being the wonderfully musically gifted human being I am, I volunteered to play the parts.

First of all, while I am not too bad at sight-reading while I'm singing, I am a TERRIBLE sight-reader while playing the piano. And even if I'm not sight-reading, I'm still not a confident player. So whatever possessed me to think that I could actually do a better job than the gifted piano player who was already up there was...I don't know.

But needless to say, two notes into it I messed up...I don't know that I ever actually completely transitioned into the key we were supposed to be in. And trying to play more than two parts at a time? Forget about it. So, I had to call the other gal up like five minutes after getting up there. EMBARRASSING.

Then today at school I had a gal from NNU come to observe me for a field experience. So I'm thinking to myself, "Wow, I must be getting pretty good to have someone come and WATCH me teach...Oh, and it's this kindergarten class with a lesson I've already done with the other class...yess....How do I look? Professional? Yeah! Lookin' good for being 29 with three babies!"

And so my conversation with myself goes. So I meet the gal, and she's very nice, and I tell her a little bit about myself, what grades she'll be seeing me teach, etc...

And then the kindergarten class comes in. I kid you not, I think someone had paid them money to act up at that precise moment. Even the normally well behaved kids were talking out of turn, making animal sounds, crawling around when they were supposed to be sitting...It was terrible. I had to send two of the really out of control ones to a time-out spot, and then had the others put their heads down...and this was within the first ten minutes of the class.

Then at the end, one of the girls (again, usually well behaved) started to throw a bonafide tantrum. It was AWESOME. Right after they left, the third graders started coming in for their turn and were talking as they came in...a big no-no. So I threw out of my mind that someone was watching and immediately let them know that they needed to shape up and do what they were supposed to do.

So behaviorally, they were fine. However, they seemed to have no clue as to how to do any of the things we did today. They were reading simple rhythms, and kids who normally have no problem doing it could not get out even the most basic ones. I'm sure it seemed that I was asking them to complete a ridiculously advanced task, but I KNOW they can do it normally.

And that's been my last 24 hours. Needless to say, I was very glad to be home. And of course, I just have to laugh now as I realize how ridiculous the situation is. I'm sure that kids will give a better showing later, and I will never again volunteer to accompany. :)

Time for Praise

2008-09-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

So my last few blogs have been, well, serious to say the least. I get more depressed every time I read them. I have been realizing that while there may be some things in my life that are tough, there are many, many more things that should give me great cause for joy. Here are some of them:

The top picture shows Jeffy right after he was diagnosed with metopic craniosynostosis, an early fusing of the front of the skull. The middle shows him two days after his major surgery to fix it. The bottom shows his recently...beautiful, his scar hidden by his hair. Praise the Lord!

Miss Kadee Joy has recently started ballet. I praise God for her beauty, her gifts, her abilities, and for the patient and loving way she treats her brother Andrew. I also praise the Lord for the affectionate and fun relationship she and I have.

I am so grateful for where my marriage is. God has been so incredibly faithful to Chris and I. He has given me a gift in the man that I married. He is a wonderful father, and incredibly caring husband, and full of so many wonderful qualities that I keep finding more and more of the longer we are married. Neither of us is or has been anywhere near perfect, but God has been gracious in taking us both at our lowest and darkest points, and growing our marriage while growing us.

And of course, the ever popular subject of my blog, my Andrew. I praise the Lord for where he is now compared to where he was a year ago. He speaks a few words. He calls me Mama. He calls Chris Daddy. He calls Kadee Joy Sissy. He calls Jeffy baby. He will tell people hello without prompting. He has eaten meat. His attention span is longer. And he can tell me that he loves me.

He IS making progress. And Lord, I AM thankful for that.

I don't know

2008-09-16T19:23:00.001-07:00

I'm "watching" Veggie Tales with Andrew. Andrew pipes in a quote every once in a while, and is utterly engrossed in the movie. I sometimes wonder what it is about movies and TV that makes Andrew so willing to pay attention, listen, and even answer questions, while with actual people he rarely gets past saying "hi."

I recently saw a t-shirt that said "I have hope for a child with autism." I've been starting to realize that I have my own prejudices to get over regarding this disorder. I find myself constantly calling Andrew "my autistic child" and letting lots and lots of people know that "he's autistic".

And apparently, in the world of neurological disorders, calling my child "autistic" is quite politically incorrect, a huge faux pas, a label that limits one's vision to the disorder rather than the child. He is a child who has autism, rather than simply "autistic."

Am I only seeing him for his disorder? I think in some ways I am still grieving the future I used to see for my child. And perhaps I do see his disorder more than his actual self. How horrible is that? There are times when I feel like I know him so well, and other times when I realize that I have no idea of his feelings, his goals, of what he's thinking. I don't know ANY of those things, and certainly have no way finding out from him, at least verbally. And he is my child. I can guess at some of his basic feelings (anger, hunger, frustration, contentedness), but anything deeper may always be a mystery to me.

I peer into the eyes of my child and there are times when I wonder if there is a little boy inside just begging to get out, begging to tell his side of the story, what he feels, what he wants, where he'd like to go, what he'd like to do.

But then a more negative side of me tends to think that he knows and wants for nothing more than the tiny world that he is so comfortable in. Is school something that will ultimately benefit him, or just something that will be a hellish part of his existence? What is best for my Andrew?

I pray nearly every night for Andrew to somehow be able to have a relationship with God. I don't even remotely know where to start to help Andrew find Him. He doesn't know enough words for me to even begin to put together a sentence about God and his love for us.

I love my boy so much. It is still so painful to think of this hostile world. It treats "normal" kids so cruelly...what will it do to my Andrew? In my home, he is safe. He is loved. He knows his place. He knows his way around.

My fear is that I am doing exactly what I fear others doing:
Losing sight of Andrew in the blurred vision of autism.

Heavenly Father, help me to see my dear boy with YOUR sight. Forgive me for my fear, my worry, and my limited vision. I know that you have a plan for my Andrew, a far better one than I can see right now. Give me wisdom, Lord, and enough light to see the next step. Be my hope, Lord, in a place that right now feels so hopeless. Help me, in all things, to point my child closer to you. I have trusted you this far Lord....I place my trust in You once again.

The Meeting

2008-09-11T15:33:00.001-07:00

It’s hard to say what I’m feeling right now. I just got done with Andrew’s first school meeting at Lakevue Elementary, a school in the Vallivue district. The meeting was to determine whether or not he should be placed in the preschool for special needs learners, which he would start at age three.

I am overwhelmed with feelings right now. I can’t seem to stop crying. The specialists and administration there were very kind, asked their questions very professionally…but I felt even in that setting the reticence they must be feeling about getting a child who has already been labeled “a runner” and “a screamer” and autistic. I could see them considering the exits, and watched as each tried to convince Andrew not to leave the room.

I feel overwhelmed because I now see each side of it. I was a teacher who looked at the inconvenience of having any child with a behavior problem. To have an autistic child prone to meltdowns was positively frightening. I have called them runners, screamers, throwers, biters, scratchers, and severely autistic, and rarely meant that in some sort of positive way. It was simply something to try and avoid at all costs.

And now I live with a human being, my own son, who does and is all of those things. But to think that those words could possibly encompass who my son is, is not only deeply disturbing to me as a mother, but is also so mistakenly misleading. He does those things…but that is not who he is. My Andrew is a snuggler, my Andrew is a smiler, my Andrew is a dancer, my Andrew is a jabberer, my Andrew us a singer, my Andrew is affectionate, and my Andrew is MY ANDREW. He is my son, he is my boy, he is the child who wakes me in the night to help him get back to sleep. He knows me, loves me, and never questions whether or not I will take care of him. It is as natural to him as it is to breathe.

It is heartbreaking to think that the words I used before are all that some people will ever know of him, and all that some people will ever care to know. He will be an inconvenience to them, a sighing morsel of gossip in the staff lounge, an exasperation in their classrooms and hallways, and a mystery not worth solving.

And I don’t blame them. The classroom in and of itself can feel like an impossible place to succeed for these teachers when the numbers get high, the behaviors get chronic, and the test scores don’t raise. Add in an Andrew, and the situation will feel unbearable.

So that is my dilemma. I want the best for my son. I want him to be surrounded by those who love him and want the same for him. I want him to be able to excel at something the world will find valuable so that he can be accepted more.

Pray for me in my struggle and agony as a mother, a teacher, and an advocate for my dear son.

The little things

2008-09-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

As I woke up this morning, I discovered that there are so many sounds and everyday routines that are unique to my life.

First, Kadee Joy came stumbling into our room with her cup, which she clumsily shoved at Chris, saying, "Daddy...I want more appuh jooce." (she insists on saying it like this...apparently she has a higher success rate with it)

Chris had had a fairly eventful night last night getting up with the kids, so I decided to give him a break. I got up with Miss Thing, and got her a drink.

Next came the inevitable request. "Mommy, I want you to sleep with me."

Kadee Joy is a girl after her mommy's own heart. She would snuggle with me every night, every nap, if she could. I am not an openly affectionate person...unless it's my family. Then I can't seem to help always hugging and kissing on them. And snuggling is the best.

So I laid down with Kadee Joy (it was already 6:45 am, so I knew we wouldn't be there long). After about 5 minutes, she was snoozing away. I was starting to get drowsy again, when all of a sudden I heard the quick footsteps of Andrew heading towards my bedroom. I knew that Chris was still trying to sleep, so I started to at least think about getting back up. :)

And then I heard a sweet, sing-song voice start babbling, "Hi! Hi! Da-da? Da-da? Hi! Hi!"
Jeffy was awake, and was beginning his morning conversation with his (as yet) unseen Daddy. So I got out of bed, and went into Jeffy's room.

Jeffy's smile is pretty infectious, as were all my kids at that age. He started bouncing up and down in his crib, and started repeating, "Hi!" even more rapidly. So I picked him up, and then went to search for Andrew.

Andrew had also started his morning routine conversation. Andrew speaks in movie quotes. Movie quotes and songs. The only time he doesn't it is when his basic needs to to be met. "Joooooooce? Mut? Mut? (Juice? Milk? Milk?)"

This morning, he was singing a BackYardigans song. "Tooooper-Pah!!!!!!" (Super Spy!) As he heard my footsteps approaching, he prepared himself for his normal greeting. "Hah!" (Hi) Then he ran towards me, wrapped his arms around my legs, and buried his head into me while he said "MMMMMMMMM." And then he saw his blanket. "Gobet?" (Blanket?)

Whenever Andrew says anything, the only thing he wants is for you to repeat it back. Then he can go on. If he falls on the ground, he'll look up at you and say, "Okay?" It is your job to say, "Are you okay?" Then he says, "Kay...." and gets up and continues on.

I could go on and on, but this is already probably enough...And probably only interesting to my heart. :) Either way...I love these sounds. They keep a smile on my face and remind me that in spite of the difficulties that come every once in while, these kids are a huge blessing to me, and I am privileged to be their mommy.

The Absence of Gray

2008-09-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

I'm growing impatient with the world.

When I was in college, I turned from a fairly black and white person into a barely black and white person. Nearly all moral lines were blurred, mostly as a result of me crossing them. I hid from the light because I was scared to death of what it would show. I lived in a world of gray, a world in which rationalizing could change any right to wrong, and any wrong into right. It was a world of pain, a world of lies, and a world of tears. It took me many years to recover from the wounds I received while living in that world.

I don't think I fully appreciated the light until about two years ago. Many of you know what happened, and the crippling blow my marriage took. It was one that most marriages do not heal from. It was by the light of Christ, though, that the blow was seen by both my husband and I for its' true, destructive self. Once we were able to see it for what it really was, we were able to, with God's ever-sustaining grace, be healed and have our marriage regrown. Our marriage now has the foundation it always needed, and God's light is constantly shining down on us to show where we are, who we are, and the path He would have us take.

But with that realization came several things. One was a great deal of empathy for those dealing with similar struggles in their marriages. Another was a great deal of respect for the work successful marriages have to have placed into them.

But the one that has stood out to me of late is the utter contempt I have for the rationalization so many are using in the destructive decisions they make in regard to their marriages. I am sickened tonight by yet another person my age who is taking their marriage and tossing it away for a perceived happiness that may or may not be out there. A perceived happiness based in someone else, or something else. They are so utterly deceived.

Don't get me wrong. I have been deceived. My husband has been deceived. We have both suffered a tremendous amount because of our actions on the basis of this deception. I know that I am no better in my actions than the dear one who acted on them tonight.

But I have also lived the hell that being on the other end of it is. I know the feelings of abandonment, the despair, the pain, the crippling self-doubt. And I think that those who inflict this have virtually no comprehension of what they are inflicting.

They are so deceived. Their world is gray, but the hell that they are putting their families through, and will eventually go through themselves is not.

Please, Lord....Speak into the heart of the person on my mind. Bring hope to the family, even when hope cannot be seen. Please pour your peace into their family, and bring light into their world.

"So runs my dream..."

2008-08-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

First off, I need to say that I had another fantastic week of school...until the last few hours. But other than those few hours (which are usually crazy before three day weekends anyway), it was a great week of work.

I'm not sure why, but this week I have been hit with a heavy number of dreams about my dad. Dad passed away three and a half years ago after a ridiculously short, painful battle with a cancer that managed to invade his entire body in a matter of a few short weeks.

Right after he died, my dreams were filled with horrific pictures of his deathbed. In my dreams, I would not see the dad of my youth, but rather I would see my dad at his death. The man I said goodbye to on February 15th, 2005 was only a shadow of the once strength filled man I had grown up with. His face was drawn, his nose was pinched, his skin was yellow from his defeated liver, and he was painfully thin with the exception of his heavily bloated stomach. He had difficulty focusing on what we were saying to him because he was in such incredible pain.

My dreams this week have been different. They have been a roller-coaster of repressed emotions. In one of my dreams, dad walked into our old house, in his work clothes, and I was overwhelmed with joy as I determined he was still alive. I have visited my old house in my dreams many times this week. And in all of these dreams, dad is there, alive and healthy.

And then, what feels like one minute before I wake up, I get a flash of many pictures. Dad is sick again, I see him on his deathbed, and then I see his gravestone. I wake up wracked with grief, and once more relive the painful reality that Dad is not here.

In some ways, though, I think these dreams have been helpful to me. I've been reading a new series (new to me, anyway) that has for some reason turned my focus to the age and life steps that I am approaching. I have, at times, started to ponder my age, my role as a mother of three, even being married...not really regret, but more just realize that I am not getting any younger, any prettier, or ever going to experience the passions of youth like I did in my teens and early twenties. I started to, for the first time in my life, wish to be able to experience the pleasures and freedoms of my youth...first love, a clean slate, freedom of time and plans without being forced to consider others. I wished to be young again, and started to experience real heartache as I realized that so much of what the world holds dear is experienced at an age that I have already passed.

If this is beginning to sound selfish, don't worry...I myself know that it is, and have lived out the reality of those dangerous thoughts enough to know that they have to be repelled.

And so, in a strange way my dreams of dad have been helpful. Had my dad decided to forego the point in his life that I am at, I would not have had the wonderful years I did with him. He sacrificed so much to have such a good relationship with his children and wife, but his sacrifice proved to be so fruitful in what it produced in us. He kept his focus on what God had called him to be, and proved his faithfulness to the end.

It is with this that I find a renewed sense of peace in the place where I am at. I am so blessed to be a wife, a mother, and have been reminded of the amazing parts of life that these roles have brought me. I am LOVED. And it is not a love based on ever-changing emotions and passions, or on fanciful dreams...it is a love that has been refined by many fires, and with a God at the center of it who has so much more good planned for me than I could ever have imagined. I refuse to sacrifice the well-being of my children and husband for the sake of pursuing an idea of worldly happiness that will never last. Lord, help me to remain focused on the plan that YOU have for my life, and forgive me for those times that I try to fill my soul and mind with yearnings for the things in this world that has so deceived so many men and women in my stage of life.

My job

2008-08-27T16:44:00.000-07:00

So let me just say that I love my job.

I mean it. I LOVE my job. And I have to say that I enjoy it more every year I do it.

This is my 6th year as an elementary music teacher. I see around seven classes (one of each grade level, including 2 kindergarten) every day for 45 minutes (25 for each kinder), and get paid to teach them to sing, dance, play instruments, and play games. Each year, I grow to love my students more, and enjoy the challenges that each class and student brings.

Now don't get me wrong. There are those days when I really wish that certain classes would just forget to come, or that certain kids would just be absent :)....but overall, I really, really enjoy my days. Have the same exact group of 25 kids every day would freak me out...I get to rotate them out every 45 minutes, and love it.

I'm the one that all the kids know. If a kid in the bus line is having a hard time, they know me and I know them, and I LOVE that. I'm the one that all the kids hug, especially the little ones, but even the older ones the longer I stay at one school. And I LOVE that.

The one part of my job that I despise the most usually has the best overall results...PROGRAMS. I hate setting up for them, sending out the letters, trying to get the kids to memorize speaking parts and songs. But with only one exception, I have never come away wishing I'd never done it. It means the world to those kids to be able to show their parents what they can do, and vice versa.

For the most part, my class is one that kids look forward to, which makes motivation pretty easy. Discipline also becomes easier each year as the kids know me well, and know that the expectations stay the same.

Today I had my extended resource kids. One was a new gal who is severely autistic. She came and sat in my lap and let me comfort her....and she SMILED, a rare event from what the aides who were with her said. I got to crawl on the ground with these kids, fly around like eagles, and slither like snakes. These kids, for whom most of school is borderline torture, can smile and have fun in my classroom without worrying about matching up. Two days ago I worried about not ever being able to have the new gal in my class. And she smiled. Praise the Lord, she smiled.

I had one of my fifth grade classes yesterday that has been divided into the four houses of Hogwarts. I got to award points to houses that did well in my class. I LOVE that.

Public school provides its' own challenges, but I am so grateful to be here. There is an abundance of children searching for someone in their lives to love them. And I get to do it on a daily basis.

Thank you, Lord, for putting me a place of such joy. May your presence bring a light to these children who so many times are living in such a dark world.

Because I like them

2008-08-20T17:31:00.000-07:00

A. Attached or single? Married for seven years
B. Best friend? My dear husband and my twin sissy.
C. Cake or pie? Oh, pie please.
D. Day of choice? An uneventful one.
E. Essential items? Bible, Starbucks, my anti-depressant. :)
F. Favorite color(s)? Green.
G. Gummy bears or worms? bears
H. Hometown? Tillamook
I. Favorite indulgence? Grande iced Black and White Mocha, no whip, extra ice
J. January or July? July
K. Kids? Three beautiful kids. Kadee Joy, Andrew, and Jeffy
L. Life isn’t complete without? Jesus.
M Marriage date? August 11
N. Number of brothers or sisters? 1 little brother, 1 twin sister
O. Oranges or apples? Um...apples, with caramel
P. Phobias? escalators
Q. Quotes? See my facebook page
R. Reasons to smile? My husband, my kids, my family, my Jesus, Starbucks.
S. Season of choice? I generally like it warm, but I like just when it's changing from one season to the other. Fall and Spring are great for a while. Summer is probably the best, though.
T. Tag 5 people: You got me.
U. Unknown fact about me: I got left at a McDonald's by my parents when I was 8 years old.
V. Vacation of choice? One that is fully paid for.
W. Worst habit? Hunting for split ends, worrying
X. Xray or ultrasound? For fun, or what?
Y. Your favorite food? Sonic Cheeseburger, Cracker Barrel, Mom's Roast and Potato
Z. Zodiac sign? Leo the lion

Funny

2008-08-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

Turning four years old, Kadee Joy is now old enough to be in a booster seat as opposed to a regular carseat. We thought this would be easier. Apparently we were wrong.

It has been a battle over the last few weeks trying to motivate her to learn how to buckle a normal seatbelt. She could do the five-point carseat without breaking a sweat. The whole putting one large size buckle together is too much for her.

So this morning, trying to get her to realize that she could indeed do it if she tried, we told her many things that were wonderful about herself to get her confidence up. We told her she was such a brave girl who would try anything and that she could try this...we told her she was a smart girl and that she could figure this out. So as the namesake of a true feminist, she retorted through many tears:

"I'm not brave! I'm not smart! I'm just pretty!"

Happy Birthday, Kadee Joy!

2008-07-21T17:35:00.001-07:00

My girl. She is so beautiful, so intelligent, so crazy, so outgoing, so much potential wrapped into such a little person. I love her so much, and cannot imagine life without her. Happy Birthday, Bug!

Our first real look at each other.

Around six months in her butterfly glasses.

In her mommy's bonnet.

Shortly after her hair was long enough to be put in pigtails.

So cute! Around 16 months.

1st birthday with Jenny's Monkey Cake

Around 20 months at Bomma's house with Cousin Isaac.

Almost three years old.

3rd Birthday

4th Birthday at Red Robin (Birthday party number one out of three)

The victory (don't get too excited)

2008-07-17T08:36:00.001-07:00

So I wouldn't be a true mommy to toddlers without having a blog about potty training at some point. I'm not going to say that it's the hardest thing about being a mom. I'm also not going to be one of those moms (no offense if you're one of these) who is like "Oh, yeah, potty training was the easiest thing ever. My one year old did it on his own!"

So with that said, let me just say that for my family, the diaper part of life has always been filled with nasty adventures. My daughter, beautiful child that she is, used to paint her walls with the materials found in her diapers. My son Andrew doesn't so much like to paint the walls as he does his stuffed animals. Jeffy has yet to discover any of this and I'm very much hoping that he skips this phase altogether.

Kadee Joy literally potty trained herself, but not until pretty late in her toddler life. I tried without success the entire time she was two years old. She just didn't feel the physical urge to go the bathroom, and after a few too many tiresome times of sitting on a toilet without success she began to fear and protest the bathroom. So it was given up. Right after Jeffy was born our household officially consisted of three kids in diapers, and the financial strain and and ridiculous amount of time spent changing kids began to take a toll on Mommy and Daddy.

Then, just a few weeks after Jeffy's birth, Kadee Joy began saying "Mommy, I need to go potty!" So we would run, and she would go. And that was it. Done. She still had to wear a diaper at night for a short time, but quickly thereafter became fully potty trained. And I must say that it does make life 100 times easier as far as taking care of her.

Mr. Andrew has recently developed a new system for letting me know that he needs to go potty. He drops his semi-filled drawers and, unless I catch him before, watches the fountain he is able to make while he pees on the floor. Of course, I usually hear what sounds like running water (and is, I guess), and come running to find the newly dampened carpet with Andrew smiling. So I run him to the bathroom, put him on the toilet, and he finishes the job, giggling with delight at his magical ability to create a fountain. Then I put a new diaper or pull-up on him, send him running, and go find the spot and clean it up. We have refilled our entire bottle of carpet cleaner over the last two weeks. We're hoping it slows down.

However, he does not have an aversion to the toilet which is HUUUGE. And his all-consuming desire for liquids means that there is generally always something he can deposit in the toilet.

We had a major victory just a few minutes ago. Andrew dropped his diaper and sat down, but luckily I was close by. I grabbed him and planted him on the toilet, which he promptly filled. He rediscovered the incredible ability to aim his fountain, giggled, and then said "Ah dun." I took him off, clapped for him, and put a new pull-up on him. His pullups have the red car from "Cars" (sorry I'm blanking on his name, and Kadee Joy also calls him "red car"), and so in putting them on he always quotes "Oh, yeaaaaah.". I then checked his old diaper, which was to my astonishment and delight was still dry!

So our next step is working on the signal. It usually takes a good six months of daily practicing and prompting for Andrew to be able to add a new word to his vocabulary. He already uses the word "Poo Poo" for "Blues Clues", so we're stuck with "potty." I'm trying to think of a potty song, because he'll pick up on songs after only two or three times of hearing it.

My goal is to have him potty trained before he goes to school in the fall (his preschool for kids with developmental delays), but we'll see. It's a little tough, because he has difficult connecting both rewards and punishments with their related behaviors. However, it may just be that being able to sit on a toilet and make a fountain will be all the reward Andrew needs. Let's hope so!

A Rough Day

2008-07-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

So let's talk about yesterday. It was in some ways a truly awful day. I woke up very excited because the kids and I were going to a play party with the families of the other kids in Kadee Joy's preschool class. Kadee Joy LOVES preschool, and seems to get along with most of the kids fairly well.

Now I am one of those mothers, due to the nature of my job, who is only able to come to the preschool on things like field trips and parties. I didn't realize that was a type until one my well-meaning teacher friends used it as an example of parental types, and apparently it's kind of a bad thing...At least that's what it sounded like. Most of the other mothers of the preschoolers in the class come and help out with the class itself at least once a month, while another of the mothers helps out everyday. Kadee Joy LOVES this mother. And it's easy to see why. This mother is extremely interested in all of the children, very patient, loving, etc... The play party was at her house. I was hoping to get to know some of the others better and show them that I really wasn't a bad mom...just one who had to teach while her child was at preschool.

Now this is where we start our bad day. We drove up to this beautiful house in the middle of a bunch of land with horses, cows, dogs, etc. It was as I said a beautiful house with an immaculate kitchen, living room, you get the idea. I was still excited as I saw a little pool for the kids to play in, the horses close by (which Andrew has a big fixation on), a slip and slide, a whole bunch of friends to play with, beautiful weather...seemed like it would be an awesome experience.

We got out of the car and both Kadee Joy and Andrew high-tailed it for the horses. Kadee Joy kept going back to the horses throughout her time there. She had no fear whatsoever, and kept feeding them hay directly from her hand. What a good girl!

Andrew stayed with the horseys for a little while, and the went into the very cold pool. He was the only kid in there for quite a while, as he was the only one who didn't seem to notice how cold he was (a sensory issue relating to his autism).

Jeffy was miserable. He'd woken up only right before we left, and had puffy eyes, a slight fever, and was pretty lethargic. A better mom might have just canceled the whole trip. I took him anyway and ended up holding him most of the time. He was a very good boy, but definitely not his usual smiley self.

About 30 minutes into our trip, Andrew made the discovery that would result in our early departure from the party. Just last week we'd gone to the Kilchis River in Tillamook where Andrew spent the entire time throwing walks into the water. For some reason, he loves this process.

Well located directly next to the pool was a HUUUUUUUUUUGE pile of rocks. Little rocks, big rocks, and HUUUUUUGE rocks. You see where this is going.

When I say little pool, I mean little. I think that eight preschoolers could fit in it if they all stood up. And as it happened, shortly after Andrew had gotten out of the pool, about four boys got in. Some of them were preschoolers, some of them were in elementary school. Right after they got in, Andrew got his idea. He started with sand...Big handful of sand, dumped right into the pool. This behavior was immediately corrected by both me and the mom at the house. He took this news fairly peaceably, and I went back to pick Jeffy up and try to talk with the other moms.

I didn't last long. About a minute later Andrew was hoisting a huge rock up and running towards the pool. Me shouting his name doesn't do anything normally, but I thought I would try to at least show that I didn't think it was okay for him to put the rock in the pool. Naturally he totally ignored me, and launched the rock into the pool. The boys in there looked down at the rock, and then looked at Andrew like he was a creature from another planet, and then looked at me to see what I was going to do about this child's naughty behavior. I took Andrew by the hand, and said "NO ROCKS!" I then took him to the slip and slide to try and divert his attention. He played on the slip and slide for a minute or two, and I resumed my attempts at socializing.

Again, this did not last. A couple of minutes into his slip and slide experiment, he ran back to the rock pile. This time I managed to intercept him before he got to the pool and bodily forced him to put the rock back. He was not a fan of this and immediately went into tantrum mode, which includes ear piercing shrieks. The whole party stopped to look at Andrew.

This scene repeated itself about 10 times. Andrew just didn't understand why throwing rocks in a pool would be any different from throwing rocks into a river. Many of the moms tried to go up to Andrew and explain why he couldn't throw rocks in the pool. For a child with autism, verbal communication has very little meaning, and including hurting people in the explanation means even less. For children with autism, people generally hold the same position as any other object. The kids in the pool might as well have been trees.

So the tantrums continued until Andrew was completely beside himself. I took him over to the shade and tried to give him some food. The only thing he would take was a cookie, which unfortunately had M&M's in it. He would spit out the M&M's as they were a texture he didn't like. Everything else had textures Andrew refuses to eat at well, so even food was a source of conflict for us.

Finally, after yet another tantrum, I picked up both Andrew and Jeffy and told our hostess that we would be going. She seemed very distraught about this, but I tried to let her know that it was for the best as Andrew was having such a hard time and Jeffy was still feeling sick. I called Kadee Joy at that point to let her know that we were going, and immediately one of the mom's came up and asked where we lived, and let me know that she would take Kadee Joy home when the party was over if it was okay with me. That was very nice. So Kadee Joy got to stay while I packed up a very sick Jeffy and a very angry Andrew. I was shocked to see the only an hour had past since we'd arrived at the party. It had felt like a good two and a half hours.

So we got home, Jeffy immediately went down for what turned into a four hour nap, and Andrew got changed and turned back into his normal, happy self. He easily went down for his nap, and so I got about an hour of rest on the couch, which helped the blinding headache I had developed by that point.

As I lay resting on the couch, several things were coming to my mind and attacking my self-confidence. I looked around my messy house and wondered how the mom at the home we were just at kept everything looking so, well, perfect. My house has NEVER looked that put together. I'm at home all the time now, and my house seems no more organized than it does when I work outside the home full time.

Then I started thinking about my Andrew. I once again worried for his future, wondered how in the world he would be able to be around other kids in a school setting, stewed over what the other mothers were probably saying in my absence. Once again, I had left early, and my daughter was left to someone else's care.

Chris and I had ridiculous fights the few times we saw each other, which naturally makes me feel like a terrible wife. It's not that I think I was wrong in what I was saying, but my tact has never exactly been the best.

I did get to go roaming around Boise with a friend of mine without my kids later in the evening, where I got to spill my guts and get some frustrations out. It was funny because she had called wanting to talk about how to be supportive to her husband in his job frustrations, and that was exactly what I was trying to figure out how to be with Chris. Of course it was God bringing us together in that moment. We prayed together, and then went on our merry way. Of course, the big fight came to a head after we got back. I should have stopped and prayed with Chris before we started what should have just been a conversation. But I didn't. I just plowed through after things started getting a little heated and ended up in tears and silence.

So here I am this morning. Andrew's in the bath after making a mess with his diaper...again. This has been one of his new things, along with stripping down into nothing and coming out of whatever room he was playing in with a big smile on his face. Jeffy is feeling much better and is back to his usual happy self. Kadee Joy is doing pretty well, although a little sunburned from her extended excursion yesterday. And I feel...overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with the house, with Andrew, with the silence that is still ensuing. So I'll go and do what I should have done in the first place...read the Word, pray, and trust that God will bring me through these feelings as consistently as he always has.

"Though nothing can bring back the hour..."

2008-07-07T09:18:00.000-07:00

I remember the day my childhood as I knew it left. We got a call early in the morning, and from that point on, I became a person who looked on the period before it as my consistently happy time.

My Poppa was an extraordinary man, at least from what I knew of him at the time and what I have gathered since then. From him I obtained my love of classical music, the ability to sing (this I got from my mother as well), and a legacy of faith. I have no bad memories of him. I remember being excited weeks in advance to go see him and the rest of my dad's extended family. It was a safe place, a place where I belonged, and I disliked living so far away from him.

The call came when I was eight years old. My own dad had been been up visiting Poppa (his dad) for what might have been a few days or a few weeks. My memory fails me on that point. The day before the call, my entire extended family was at Poppa and Grandma's house on the southern Oregon Coast. Everyone except for my siblings and my mom. We were still in California, as school wouldn't be out for another week or two.

The day we got the phone call, I was woken up quite early by my mom. She pulled my siblings and I together and let us know that Poppa had died. He was 57 years old, and had suffered a massive heart attack.

I was only 8, but the impact of his death immediately took shape for me. We had pictures of him all around our house, and I went into hysterics as I realized that the man in those pictures was no longer on earth. I took no cue from adults on how to grieve. I was wrapped up in my own very real and tearing grief. It would not leave me for years.

I don't know why his death affected me so, but I do remember it changing my overall perspective of life. I started to view life much less optimistically, and begin to refer to everything in my life in comparison to the perceived perfection it had been before. I feared my dad reaching the age of 57 and dying. He didn't make it that long, and was taken 10 years before he would have reached it. The day he died was the day my childhood really ended. I still search for the feeling of the safety coming home to Dad gave me.

We went to Tillamook this weekend. The sights and smells of the Oregon coast in the summer always brings back childhood memories. It was strange to see my daughter experiencing the same things I did. I sometimes still feel so much like that child I used to be, and long for the freedom to roam the forests, pick wild berries, make shelter in houses of ferns and trees, and make daisy rings for my hair. I remember the stories I would create as I looked up into the dark woods, imagining myself a princess some days and an explorer the next. I remember tromping through swamps with my cousins, pretending to be on our own, looking for various treasures and making plans for the future.

But reality comes crashing back to me as I run after Andrew, go wading with Kadee Joy, try to keep Jeffy from digesting a rock or piece of bark. And I don't mind it. I enjoy the fact that I can create a safe world for my children, that I can open up doors for them into new worlds, both imagined and real. I relish the fact that my husband and I are in a place in our relationship where we can be examples of how to love and be loved. I look forward to today, and to the days ahead.

I remember hearing the quote from Wordsworth for the first time, and the immediate connection it created for me.

"What though the radiance which was once so bright be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendour in the grass, glory in the flower. We will grieve not, but rather find strength in what remains behind."

The second part of the quote took me years to come to terms with. I grieved for the past long and hard. Finding strength in what remained was too difficult. I couldn't find strength in it. I wanted the past back. I wanted my dad back. I wanted my Poppa back. I wanted my childhood back.

But now I have finally reached a place where I am not just okay with being a wife and a mother. I actually enjoy it.

I think that there are people who quickly put behind their grief and chase after new dreams. For better or for worse, I am not one of those people. I hold on to the ideals of my childhood, and bury them after many, many battles with reality. Tromping through the forest and dreaming of fairy tales is not possible in the life I live...and would cause me to miss the many joys that each day brings me in the reality of my life.

Home has been an ever evolving place in my life. Home has ceased being the house of my parents. It is ever more closely resembling the place I live now. It is detached from the past, and knit tightly in the present. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that the past can no longer be where I choose to cling to.

So I head into the morning trying to not just find strength in what remains behind, but to find joy in it as well. It will not be the unfettered joy of childhood, with its' ideals and soft landing places, but it will be a joy of sorts that cannot be taken away by winds that blow both now in the present and the storms that will come in the future.

Jeffy, Jeffy, Jeffy

2008-07-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

My third pregnancy was neither planned nor welcome. We found out that we were pregnant with Jeff just one short year after we'd had Andrew. Chris and I were both extremely unhappy and dissatisfied in our marriage. Another child seemed more like a punishment than a blessing.

I was in the midst of what was at the time an undiagnosed case of depression. My morning sickness hit hard, and it hit early. Alone at home often, and with two kids who seemed to love eggs above any other food, I could not keep my own food down, and with that added to my depression, I quickly started losing weight. If you know me, you know that losing weight is never a good idea. Losing weight when you have a human being inside you needing nourishment just shouts disaster.

Once our marriage hit the crisis point, my weight loss got more drastic. At just 90 pounds and in a constant state of anxiety which led to being unable to sleep I was an absolute wreck. My doctor saw me at my 8 week appointment and was shocked. She quickly put me on an antidepressant that, as I've written before, very quickly helped me in being interested in food and being able to sleep again.

I have heard people tell me that they wish they didn't have the desire to eat so that they would be able to lose weight. I've also heard doctors say that you know you're really sick when you no longer wish to eat. The second statement was very true for me. It was very scary to be unable to eat or sleep. I had seen both my father and grandfather get to that point shortly before their deaths. While my death was not imminent, the life of my tiny son's certainly was unless something drastic happened immediately. My doctor gave me several immediate goals to ensure the protection of my child's life.

Two weeks later, after a life-changing week at my dad's brother and sister-in-law's house, in which I received wonderful loving, Christ-filled attention which included lots of fresh air, attempts at rest, time to read the Word, and of course many tempting, calorie filled foods, I came back...and still weighed only 90 pounds. But my doctor was pleased that I had at least stopped losing weight. I continued to gain weight slowly, and eventually was able to sleep more than my (at the time) usual 2 hours a night.

Three weeks later, after my marital crisis reached it's lowest and most painful moment, I once again lost 10 pounds, and once again was unable to sleep. I had dear friends come and take care of me and the kids, and I struggled to keep from losing additional weight.

I don't know what would have happened had Christ not stepped in when he did. He restored my marriage, and within a few days restored my ability to eat and to sleep. I returned back to the weight I had been at the beginning of my pregnancy. One week later we went to our first ultrasound where we saw for the first time our miraculously healthy baby boy, kicking and moving normally. I had been praying specifically for our child since I'd first found out we were pregnant. I now changed my prayers to pray specifically for our little boy.

And that was Jeffy. We had initially planned on naming our first boy Jeffrey but as I wrote earlier, Dad's death automatically put that plan on hold. So this boy was to have that name. He has a few different namesakes. Jeff Wilson and Jeff Miller are where the Jeff came from. David was originally part of the name, but had more emphasis on it after my life-changing stay at Uncle David's house. And so Jeffrey David Wirick Tiner was born on my birthday. And what a wonderful gift he has been. He was and is still the tiniest of the Tiner children.

Jeff has never been a boring child. He was born with what the doctors professionally called a "HUMONGOUS" hernia. So he had his first surgery at the ripe old age of 4 months. Right before this surgery it was noted that his forehead had an unusual ridge on it. The ridge became more pronounced as he got older and then he received the official diagnosis of metopic craniosynostosis. He would need fairly extensive skull and brain surgery to correct it. And so at the riper old age of 6 months, he went back under the knife. The whole process felt excruciatingly slow during the time, but now seems to have raced by. The outpouring of prayer and love that was placed on this little boy was phenomenal.

I always tell people that it only took $60,000 of plastic surgery for Jeffy to be as handsome as he is now. But he really is a handsome boy, full of smiles and giggle, and is by far the most ticklish child I have ever met. He's still a little behind on the crawling game as he was not allowed to be on his stomach for the first 2-3 months after his surgery. However, he's way advanced in the flirt game. I'm pretty sure most of the women in my church have a big crush on him.

I have no doubt that God has big plans for this little boy. He has been through quite a bit in his short life, and death has lurked around the corner in several instances. But God is faithful, has brought him into this life with gusto and blessing. I cannot imagine our life without him. Again, I am so grateful that God knows us better than we know ourselves, and even when we think we have the best plan of "timing", he uses our doubts and fears for his glory.

Thank you Lord for our Jeffy.

Summertime Fun

2008-06-30T15:12:00.000-07:00

I think this collection of pictures gives a fairly accurate description of my awesome kids and their wildly different personalities. Kadee Joy was the only "planned" baby...our boys were big surprises for which we are very grateful. And I think that each of them have made me a less judgemental person in general. God is gracious in showing us how terribly, terribly wrong we can be in thinking that we are ever really in control, and my three children remind me that we are all so much better off in His hands.