Saturday Update

Apparently I grossed a few people out with my last post. Please understand...it was much grosser to deal with than it would have been to read about. I promise you. When you have 3 kids age four and under, sometimes the stories get gross.

So yesterday was an interesting day. I woke up being unable to walk without falling over or running into walls. All I kept thinking was, "I shoulda hadda V-8."

Anyway, my dear husband grabbed me around the waist, and walked me back to bed and kept getting the kids ready. Finally I realized that I would need to get up and get ready for work. So Chris monitored the noise while I took a shower, promising to come in if he heard a thud. :) I drove to school (don't worry, I think it's stupid now), and still was having trouble walking a straight line. Finally, after it was pronounced that my eyes looked weird, I was given a sub, and went home (Chris came and picked me up). I was dizzy and unable to walk well for a whole day. Not fun, let me tell you.

My poor dad had days like that all the time during the last five years of his life. I can't even imagine trying to function with that nearly every day for five years. Doctors never were quite able to tell exactly what was wrong. They kept changing the diagnosis up until he died...at least in regards to his vertigo/dizziness.

Today we've been doing our normal Saturday stuff. Kadee Joy went to ballet and didn't get that great a report on behavior...apparently she likes to do her own thing sometimes. I wish this had been surprising to me, but it sounded all too much like Kadee Joy. She's so her own person, which is fantastic in so many ways and just AGGRAVATING to her poor mother who is such a stick to the rules kind of a person. Ahhh, the stretching that parenthood brings.

We're excited for Thanksgiving next week. We're expecting a fun time with my brother Aaron and his wife Dina, Jason and Kaylene Hoyt, and Chris' brother Rich. I'm very excited to get to see my brother and Dina again. Kadee Joy is also especially thrilled. She adores both of them.

It was a somewhat volatile week at work. The pressures of education and the expectations put on educators are very, very high...and thus everyone's stress levels are following suit, and I'm afraid often turns very stressed people on other very stressed people, which doesn't help.

I had a great turnout from parents for my second grade Thanksgiving program, and the kids were great. Next is Christmas with the third graders. This is generally my busy time of year with programs, but so far it is going fairly smoothly.

That's it for now. I'm hoping the dizziness was temporary. Good day so far today, although I'll confess that I've been watching the new Harry Potter trailer over and over again...I can't wait for July!

Di-sgu-sting

So last night I was laying next to Andrew while he was in the first few hours of sleep. I must have fallen asleep because I usually leave after he starts to fall asleep. I started to hear an odd sound. Andrew didn't change his movement at all, so I figured it must be something outside. Then the noise became more frequent...and then a smell accompanied it..and then I recognized the sound...GROSS.

Andrew had a RANK case of diarrhea. It was EVERYWHERE. I was glad I hadn't left last night. Otherwise, I can only imagine the devastation he would have made to our house as he traveled from his room to our room.

So I had to get him up, run him to the bathroom, peel off the gross clothes, and try to clean him off as best I could. It was like midnight, so I definitely didn't want to wake up the rest of the house. Unfortunately Andrew, who was still in the strange place between awake and asleep, was not happy about the cleansing he was going through and started to SCREAM. He kept trying to go back to his room, wanted his blanket, both of which were impossible because of the amount of grossness he had gotten all over him. Once I'd gotten him cleaned up and in a new diaper, I deposited him in our bed with a groggy Chris, and ran back out to clean up the rest of the room.

Anyway, it ended up that Andrew and I both slept in my room, Chris went to join Kadee Joy to get some more sleep, and Andrew was awake for much of the rest of the night with the cramping that often accompanies the Rhea. Chris got the other kids up and ready at the usual time, and Andrew and I slept in, sort of. He's still got it, although not as bad as it was last night.

It's funny though, because as I was laying there in the aftermath with Andrew snoozing away, I started to think about what I'd read with the whole "detox" thing we're doing with his diet. I remember specifically reading that 21 days into the detox, one little boy had had an exploding case of diarrhea, and had then started to act much more normal, displaying far fewer signs of autism, and being able to communicate in sentences and desiring to actually know the answer of the other person.

And so I started to imagine waking up and having Andrew ask me how I was, what I wanted to do, telling me about what he was thinking, etc...I mean, it's around day 21 of this diet, he just had the exploding diarrhea...

So this morning as Andrew was waking up, I looked over at him in great anticipation. He looked over at me, stretched, and then went "Joooooot?" Nothing different about that. That's how he always asks for Juice. "Gobet?" Know that one...he wants his blanket. "Sorry, but, it's still in the washer. I'll have to put it in the dryer." All he heard was "Sorry..." which to him means no. He did one of his muffled screams of frustration.

So no, no change. No miracle. Still Andrew with one word requests, or phrases that he wants you to repeat back so that he can quote a scene from a movie.

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I was so, so disappointed, and was putting so much hope in what my little guy would be able to do, just based on this diet.

What do I want for him, again? To be capable, contributing, and communicative. He has been making so much progress. And I know that. I'm afraid that the little episode of illness was nothing more than his body reacting to being in a public school for the first time.

Not the precursor to a miracle. Not an introduction into a world of normalcy. Or at least not an introduction into the world of normal communication. I guess I keep hoping for a miracle. As I was talking to Chris about it on his way out the door to church this morning, he said, "Steph, it's not like he's going to 'sober up' one day." I think in some sort of idealistic way I was hoping that he kind of would. I love my child, love who he is...and yet I still wish he could be different from who he is. I still wish that he could tell me things, that I could tell him things, that he would be able to have a conversation with a friend...that he could have a friend. That he could do and have all of those things RIGHT NOW.

No miracle.

At least, not today.

Or at least, not in the way I had hoped for.

It is a process, not a one night switch into to a new person.

Lord, teach me how to pray for my child.

Andrew's in school!

So Andrew is officially going to school now. His little bus comes and picks him up bright and early at 7:10 am. These are honestly the best pictures we could get. :) So far he seems to be going okay. His first comments from his teacher were kind of funny. "He likes playtime. He likes playing with the horses. He is showing resistance to sitting and working at the table."

Yep, that's Andrew. The bus picture is a good indication of just how early it really is.

Poor Andrew! So tired!

Too tired to even look at the camera.

What a week!

This week was quite eventful. Actually that's kind of a lame way of putting it. I really didn't know how I would get through this week. But here I am, on Saturday morning, listening to my kids (well, two of them) interact with their cousins at breakfast time.

The craziness started out when I first made plans to come to Tillamook for a dear friends wedding. She's getting married tomorrow, and Mom was gracious enough to fly us over. Chris decided to stay home with Andrew, since we weren't sure if his job would have him on call or not. So we bought tickets for me and Kadee Joy to fly over, and of course I would just bring Jeffy as a lap child.

We got a call on Sunday night from Chris' dad, and sadly had to inform Chris that his grandpa, a wonderful man in all respects, had passed away. Chris was obviously upset over it, and we kept his whole family in our prayers.

The next day, Chris let me know that he really felt that he wanted to go to Texas for the funeral. While I certainly wanted Chris to go, I had parent teacher conferences this week, and the flight he would take wouldn't get him back until two days after I left for Tillamook. Problem? Child care during the day, and a place for Andrew to go for two nights. Me taking Andrew just wasn't an option...Andrew freaks out on plane rides, and I knew that if he decided to run in the airport, I would have to ditch the other two to chase after him. This wouldn't be safe for anyone.

Well, God was very gracious in allowing two places for Andrew to go while we were gone. Chris flew out for Texas on Tuesday. That was Election Day, and I still have my Washington license. So, wanting to make sure I would be able to vote in Idaho, I went to the DMV to change my driver's license to an Idaho one. I thought it would just be a matter of giving them my old license, showing proof of address, and paying a fee, since it had only been two years since I'd had an Idaho license. But oh, no...I had to take the written test. So, I arrogantly set off to take the test, thinking I'd pass it with flying colors.

The Idaho test is taken on a touch screen with ANCIENT computers. You were supposed to touch the answer, and then click on a confirmation button. Problem? The touch screens were TERRIBLE. Each answer had to be clicked, I kid you not, at least 20 times before it would go on to the confirmation part. I took me an hour to take a 40 minute test. And not because I needed that long to answer the questions. It was just that slow.

So, as my anxiety built (I had to get back to teach), my confidence started to shake. I ended up FAILING the freaking test by ONE answer. I felt so dumb...So I have to go back next week and take it. I missed all the questions that were like, "If there is a car coming towards you with its' headlights on, do you dim your headlights at 100 feet, 200 feet, 300 feet, or 500 feet?"...all feet questions. Like I can actually tell the exact number of feet I am away from a vehicle. DUMB. So my head was hung low as I left with my driver's manual, told to return after three days.

Luckily it didn't impair my ability to vote. Chris voted before he left, and I voted before I went and picked up the kids from the babysitters house. I felt good about my votes, and watched the elections later that night with my kids.

On Tuesday night, I received a visit from a man dressed as a police officer (I'm still a little suspicious as to whether or not he was actually a police officer) who informed me that there had been a string of burglaries in the neighborhood, and that the suspect had been seen hanging out right in front of our house. I was to call if I saw anything or anyone suspicious. Awesome. Naturally I slept well that night. :)

So, the kids went to a babysitter during the next day, we snuggled at night, and then on Thursday Jeffy, Kadee Joy, and I flew out, while Andrew stayed behind. And it was Andrew's third birthday. :( He SCREAMED, when I took the other two to the car. I came back in and he came up, bawling, and wrapped his arms around me, saying "Bye-bye? Bye-bye?", indicating that he wanted to go with us. It was AWFUL.

So we left for the airport, and right before we were supposed to fly out, I got a call from Chris. He had lost his wallet and its' entire contents in Texas. Credit cards, driver's license, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD (which of course you are NEVER supposed to carry around), everything. He'd lost it and he couldn't find it. Apparently he had put it on top of the rental car, got distracted, and then drove off.

So, I was supposed to go and get the rental car in Portland without a valid credit card (when Chris canceled his, it automatically canceled mine). I was a little unhappy. However, I kept together my desire to freak out, and told him that I would pray for him and that somehow he would be able to get back home (ever tried to fly without ID?...we know of one person who was able to do it...).

So, I ended up flying over without problems (Jeffy was VEEERY good on the plane and Kadee Joy was pretty good...she kind of freaked out the girl sitting next to us by asking her to say and spell her first, middle, and last names), and then got our luggage and went to the car rental place. My debit card still worked, so they took that gladly...and tacked on an extra 20%. Great.

So we drove it horrifically stormy weather across the Wilson River highway, which is a ridiculously curvy road, and of course Kadee Joy threw up. Finally we arrived at Mom's house, and everyone was very happy.

Then, yesterday afternoon, I got another call from Chris. In a last ditch effort he had called the Corpus Christi police again and asked if they'd found a wallet. They asked his name, which he gave, and said "Oh yeah, it's here. Would you like to come get it? We tried to contact Northwest Nazarene University but they had no current record of you." Real quick thought...Chris is a current STUDENT at NNU...why the heck wouldn't they have any info on him?

ANYWAY, so he went and claimed it, and everything except for 10 dollars was in there. So Chris can come home, and still has his Social Security card. :)

We've been having a fantastic time at Mom's house, and Andrew slept through the night while visiting the first house he stayed at. Chris is on his way back to Nampa today, and hopefully will have a great reunion with Andrew. I got to have a very fun night last night at the "groom's dinner" of my friend, and I get to go to the wedding today. I'm getting to see my family, enjoying Starbucks and non-casein, gluten free food.

Life is good...and hopefully will stay uneventful for the next few days. :)

I don't KNOW why I'm crying!

So today was my day to cry. Since going on an anti-depressant over a year and a half ago, I have very few days where I cry. It's not that I don't feel sad anymore...I'm just not crying every few hours, every day like I used to. But today, the floodgates were open and I let loose...right before my appointment to get my hair done.

For the most part during the week I feel great in the morning, energized at work, happy with the way things are working out...And then I get home. And once I get home, I go into shutdown mode. I literally lose all motivation to get anything accomplished. I feel physically exhausted, emotionally drained, and want so badly just to sleep. But of course, Chris has been at home all day with the kids, and he too would like a break.

I was trying to figure it out today. Trying to figure out why I feel so exhausted, why I felt so emotional today, why I started crying when I did.

I think that I'm just starting to hit a bit of a wall. These past five years have not been anywhere near stable. In fact, in God's presence and His Word are the only places where I have found any sort of stability. And I know that that's a life lesson many people have yet to learn, and something that Christians are supposed to try to learn. But today I just really felt like I wanted life to calm down...even if it was just for a little bit.

Andrew started his glutein free, casein free diet, which basically means he can't have anything he used to eat. And while we are seeing improvements, trying to get him to eat, which has always been a struggle, is now quite exhausting. But we are determined to stick with it, hoping that it will bring him more clarity of mind and help him to adapt to each environment more easily.

On Thursday we had his second meeting at his new school. This was the IEP meeting where we set goals for Andrew, and where we get all the paperwork in to get him enrolled. The meeting went much more smoothly than the first, even with Andrew running around constantly, trying to color on any surface he could find. We finally have a service coordinator, and she is WONDERFUL, and was also at the meeting. So Andrew will start his special preschool on November 10th.

I had my first program of the year (the first of three in the next 6 weeks), and it went well. We had our school carnival, which also went well. It was a little hard in some ways, though, because it kind of reinforced the isolation I feel sometimes with my position. Grade level teams all hang out together, work together, made baskets to sell together...and then there's me. Alone in the music room. Normally it doesn't bother me, and I try to include myself in various roles, but sometimes it just feels downright lonely to have to try and include myself, rather than naturally be included. I don't get automatic lunch plans on collaboration/work days, or continuous daily collaboration with colleagues...I have to find and make time for those things completely on my own. I realize this sounds like a pity party, but please know that I really do love my job. The natural isolation is just harder some times than others.

And then we went to the Halloween party where Andrew was in his usual "lots of people" form. He started throwing rocks into the small duck pool (I think it was supposed to be a game?), which of course was not okay. I foresaw another summer playdate tragedy coming, and tried to take him somewhere else. We stumbled across a small stream with lots of rocks next to it...perfect! At least, perfect for Andrew to throw rocks. Not so perfect for socializing with other grownups from my church.

And Andrew has not been sleeping...again. The melatonin was working great, but for the past few nights he's been up again, wide awake, and taking off all his clothes.

So, I'm tired. Very, very tired. And Chris is too. Andrew's diet and behavior are very isolatory as well (as far as going out in public), so we're kind of stuck in our house a lot. And that's really okay, most of the time. But while I would never trade having Andrew, there are days like this when I reminisce about the days when I didn't have to survey the environment for potential triggers, obstacles, or safety issues, and where we could go wherever we wanted to, for as long as we wanted to.

But this is life. And God is so faithful in giving us the strength that we need for each day.

Lord, please carry me tonight.

The problem with random thoughts...

So the blog that I wrote right before this one was written BEFORE I ready Jenny McCarthy's book "Mother Warriors." This one is being written at 1:30 am AFTER I have finished the book.

I think I spoke too soon. And if you read my blog on humility, you can appreciate how much I hate being wrong. But I also really hate being judgmental, and I was, to a great fault, on this one.

Her premise is not that she "cured" her son of autism, but rather that she recovered him from it. The amount of changes to his diet, therapies both conventional and non, were quite extreme, and took time. She also listed the stories of mothers who had gone through or were going through the same things.

And in those stories I saw myself and Andrew, although we have yet to go to the extreme measures that these "Mother Warriors" have gone to with their children. I have not yet even remotely explored the depth of possibilities that people have found to be successful. And I will wholeheartedly admit that my mother-in-law, despite my skepticism, took lactose out of my son's diet while he was visiting her for two weeks (during Jeff's surgery), and two days after he came back, he was able to point to body parts and accurately identify them. And I don't believe that was a coincidence. And while his speech certainly was not always understandable, the amount of speech he tried, and still uses, went from from almost completely non-verbal to constant jabbering.

And the thing that I really misspoke on was her attitude that a certain regimen would work for every child. She never says that. And she very clearly states that she knows that some parents have tried the things she did and found no success in them, and expresses great sadness about that fact.

But she continues, and I agree with her, that just because a certain change in diet, or a certain drug, or certain other extreme therapies I had never heard of doesn't help your particular child does not mean that they won't help another. So while I still am not sold on the vaccine thing (although you'd better believe I'm digging out my son's vaccine card to see what the date of his MMR shot was) I think that in many points she was right on the money.

So, Jenny McCarthy, I apologize, even though I realize that you will probably never read this blog. You were trying to give hope to a growing number of parents who find themselves trying desperately to recover their own children, and I applaud you for that. I all too quickly jumped on the bandwagon of despair and judgment, and am joyful for you in being able to get your son back.

Random thoughts

I think that I have seen that title on every blog I've ever read.

Random Thought #1: I'm really not a big fan of Jenny McCarthy's views of autism. She's all about "greening our vaccines." She claims that the mercury-tainted vaccines, or aluminum, or something in our vaccines are what cause autism.

I don't know how many more studies need to come out saying that there is NO LINK between vaccinations and autism, but I'm really getting tired of hearing about more studies looking for the non-existent link. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, send that money to fund research on other techniques or drugs that will help our kids who already have autism.

It also is very difficult to hear that she has cured her son of autism. I'm very skeptical of this...curing autism is something supported by virtually no one in the medical world. It's a different way of thinking, perceiving, feeling...not a disease to be cured. Changes in diet, medication, and continuous therapies can help the child to adapt more easily and act more "normal", but it never fully "cures" the child. At least not from what I've read. I'm not above believing in miraculous healing...but I also don't believe that there is a prescribed set of medications, diets, and exercises that will always "cure" a child with autism. It's too broad, to distinct in each case, too varied in its' symptoms from child to child.

Random Thought #2: We had an AWESOME experience with Andrew last night. Andrew has the arm of a Major League pitcher. His accuracy and speed of pitch are amazing. He hurls things so fast and so hard that he could easily dent walls, bruise skin, and break glass. Last night as we were riding back home, Andrew finished with his glass of juice. Sometimes he just drops the cup on the ground. Sometimes he asks for more. Last night, he chucked it as hard as he could. As it so happened, my head happened to be in his juice cup's path. I didn't have any idea it was coming either, as Chris and I were in the middle of what was a very deep conversation. So when it hit my head, I let out of scream of both pain and surprise.

Andrew is not particularly sensitive to sound, at least not in comparison to many kids with autism are. However, the human scream is one he cannot hear without tears of his own. He immediately began bawling, and while I wanted to comfort him, I spent the first 30 seconds after the hit rubbing my very sore head.

Then all of a sudden, breaking through the sobs, we heard Andrew shout, "SAAAA-WWWWYYY!" (SOOOOOORRRRY! (sorry)) And then he kept saying it. "Sawwy! Sawwy! Sawwy!" while the tears kept flowing. I finally (after a bit of shock) turned around and took Andrew's hand and held while I told him that it was okay. He finally settled down, and we continued on our way home.

It was an amazing moment because it wasn't prompted, because it was connected to another human being's feelings, and because it was at the appropriate time and setting. Yay, Andrew! He's getting it!

Random Thought #3: I miss the days of illness accompanied by concern, care, and rest. Before kids, both Chris and I were pretty good about trying to take care of the other person. Chris was particularly caring and nurturing.

Now, though, with three kids and a shortage of time and sleep, it's every spouse for themselves. And since Chris is home all day with the kids, he's certainly put in his time with them by the time I get home. So, no rest for the weary. :)

Random Thought #4: I went to NNU today to pick up something for Chris, and while I was there saw the sights and smelled the smells so unique to NNU. Immediately, memories of my college days came back, and I became a little wistful as I remembered those days when studies, coffee, and friends were the primary responsibilities and pleasures to be had.

"Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean.
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise from the heart and gather in the eyes
in looking on the happy autumn fields
and thinking of the days that are no more."

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Sick day, sick day

I do actually have a tune in my head while I type my title. It has been YEEEEEAAAARRRRS since I have actually had paid sick days to take. Usually they all go to maternity leave. So yesterday, when my frustration continued to mount as my voice continued to leave me, I decided to plunge ahead and take a sick day. So I put out a sub request, got my lesson plans in order, contacted the necessary people, and TOOK IT!

So now it's 8:23 on a school day and I am not going to school. Instead, I'm drinking my tea, listening to my children interact, my husband organize (a fantastic sound), and my refrigerator run. And while I don't feel well, I definitely feel relaxed.

The battle for sleep had a victory last night. Andrew was going on 4 weeks of sleeping only a few hours a night (with us also only sleeping a few hours). Chris and I were at each other's throats constantly, bringing back vivid memories of our first newborn experience ("I just got up with her! You get up with her!"), and neither of us were really getting any good sleep.

So then last Saturday, Chris went to one of his city league football games and got reacquainted with a guy who does a great deal of work with autism. He suggested melatonin, which is a homeopathic pill that adds a hormone that children with autism are oftentimes greatly lacking in. This hormone happens to be the one that also tells your brain you're tired and you need to go to sleep. At least, this is the theory behind the pill.

So we were all over that idea, and I went out and bought a bottle of the stuff. So far, it has worked WONDERS, and Andrew had his first full night of sleep last night. I don't remember the last time Andrew has slept through the night. As a result, our whole family was able to sleep through the night, although Chris did get up once to check on Andrew when he though he heard him moaning. Cup refill, Andrew takes a drink, Andrew is quiet again, and still asleep.

So we are all in great moods this morning, although it looks like I may have given the illness that plagues me to my kids. I'd love to say that I'm not going to do anything today, but that would be untrue. Chris is going to try and get little errands done, I'm going to try and catch up on the laundry, and anything else I can do around here.

So it's a sick day, but a good day. And we're very grateful for the sleep we were given.

Saturday morning fun

So here I sit, writing a blog, dressed warmly, listening to the sound of typing as well as my boys drinking their milk and playing with toys. Our house is warm compared to the freezing wind outside. We all just dropped Kadee Joy off at ballet. She is just the cutest think ever in her black leotard, pink tights, and hair pulled back into two buns. The house is much quieter without her here, although we'll be going to pick her up again in just a few minutes.

Andrew isn't sleeping well. He has so many sensory issues that I think nighttime is just a little overwhelming. His pajamas always seem to bother him, he's always looking for something to chew on, and he's would just love for his mommy to stay next to him the whole night because he loves to be held close. And he's always singing or quoting something while he's trying to go to sleep...I think his mind has difficulty shutting off just like many grownups do, but there's nothing we've been able to find that helps him shut it down...he just has to keep quoting and singing until he's asleep.

And so with his lack of sleep comes our lack of sleep. Andrew can't be left to wander the house, which he would love to do, particularly as he has recently mastered unlocking the deadbolt. He also can break all our child locks on the doors, and likes nothing better than to raid (well, destroy) the pantry. But mostly he just loves to come into our room and wait for us to take him back to his room...or better yet, be so deeply asleep that he can sneak into our bed and try to go undetected for as long as possible.

I remember the days when he used to be able to sleep all night just by sticking him in his crib with a bottle. He would drink his bottle, fall asleep, and would stay there until we came to get him the next morning. Ahhh, the days.

Chris has football and worship team practice on Saturdays, so it's usually just me and the kids until around dinner time. I'm hoping that we all get a nap today (at the same time...), and that I am able to use the time I have with them for fun, snuggles, and anything else that seems to be restricted to the early days of childhood. I know these days will pass by sooner than I would imagine, and that they are not days I will be able to get back.

Off to get Kadee Joy!

"Out of the mouths of babes..."

So first off Jeffy's standing. He's very funny because he loves to stand up (with the help of furniture) but gets tired very quickly and has no earthly idea of how to sit back down. So we have to rescue him quite frequently.



Secondly, Kadee Joy drew a family picture. One of the people in the picture stood out as having quite a large noggin. I asked her who it was and she answered, "Daddy." Chris came over, saw his image, and asked Kadee Joy why his head was so big. "Because you have a big head, daddy!"



Can I get an amen from those of you who know Chris well?



:)

Midnight Musings

So first of all, let me just say that I reserve the right to pull this blog immediately upon posting it. It's not even midnight...it's 3:14 am as I begin to write this. If your wondering what a full-time teaching mother of three is doing writing a blog at this time in the morning instead of sleeping, don't worry, I'm sure I will be wondering the same thing when the real morning hits. But for now...I write.

I had some friends over last night, and one of the friends asked me, "So....what do you foresee for Andrew when he's, say, twenty?"

I didn't take a lot of time to think. I've thought a lot about it before. "Oh, he'll probably still be living with us."

She seemed a little shocked by this. So I explained. "Of course, the ultimate goal is to have Andrew be as independent as possible. And there are many places out there for people to live semi-independently who have disabilities and disorders of all kinds...and that is what we would hope for him. But Chris and I have always prepared ourselves for the very real possibility that he will live with us for the rest of his/our lives." But I went on to say that we really didn't know what Andrew would be capable of in two years, yet alone twenty.

As I was lying in bed tonight/this morning though...I started to think of the even more true reality that really NONE of us know what life will be like in twenty years. Our economy is crumbling, literally in front of our eyes. Hundreds of newly built subdivisions are as populated as ghost towns. Stores are closing. There are few industries who are not cutting jobs, and even fewer who are actually hiring more.

The way of life that I remember best is one of instant gratification on every front. And I am not immune to that lifestyle. My addiction to Starbucks is my best proof of that. I wonder if in twenty years I will scoff at the thought of paying so much money for what in reality is so little and unnecessary. Boredom and idleness are our nations' current epidemics. For much of America, myself included, the search for and time spent on entertainment far outweighs the amount of time serving those in need.

My sister and I were discussing the state of the economy last night, and particularly the houses that stand empty. She said something that intrigued me. "I wonder if we will look back on the rows of empty, lavish houses, and see them as monuments to our own greed." I think we will. My sister lives in a two bedroom attic apartment with her two sons and husband. Vancouver BC prices on gas, meat, milk, and of course housing are far higher than those even in places like Seattle, so they have lived with far more frugality than my family has. I know that she oftentimes feels like hitting people down here when they sigh at the lack of room they have in their 3 bedroom, two bath houses with a living room, full kitchen, and at least a dining room. She pays the same for rent as I pay for my mortgage, and I have a four bedroom, two bath house. And it's not because they're not careful with their money...The most basic of houses in Vancouver starts at around $500,000. And they're both pastors in a fairly small church...good luck. :)

But I envy her in many ways. She is content with her life, and if major changes are coming, there will be little she has to do to change her lifestyle.

I compare what I will have to do with those in the South before the civil war. They lived a lifestyle that was simply unsustainable. Only theirs was built on slave labor...mine is built on my dependency on being able to get what I want, when I want it, and to go where I want to go, no matter how far, when I want to go. Their still standing plantation mansions are their monument to times long past. I think ours will be our subdivisions, our empty malls, our Starbucks on every corner, our gas stations that no longer have anything to sell.

I realize that this sounds somewhat fatalistic. But I believe that if this change is coming, it is one that was inevitable, and one that will probably help us all to live the way Christ intended us to all along.