Progress

My son Andrew has been amazing me lately. He is making so many gains in social skills, communication skills, even basic self care skills.

His latest funny thing has been that he really likes to help make scrambled eggs. He will go to the kitchen, open up the fridge, take out the egg carton (carefully :)) and bring it to us and say, "Eggs?". Then he walks with us over to the kitchen counter, sets them on the kitchen counter, gets out the mixing bowl, the pan, and the whisk, helps us crack the eggs, mixes the eggs, and dumps them into the pan. Then I turn on the burner, he gets and spatula, and stirs the eggs as they cook. After they're done, he says "Sit down," runs to the table after getting a fork, and waits for me to bring him his plate of eggs. Too cute!

He's also learning how to be a little booger, but in a way that shows us he's picking up on communication. He and his sister can now argue over toys "My toy!" "Le' go!" "No, no, no!" Here you go, sissy."

And then, there's Chris and I's favorite Andrew-ism. If he wants you to lay down next to him when he goes to bed, he waits for you to come in with his blanket, cup, and then, after you've come in, he runs behind you and shuts the door so that you can't get out. He's still very much a snuggler.

He's loving school, and his teacher gave glowing reports about the progress he's made. He still has a long way to go, but transitions have become so much easier, he is counting, he can sing whole songs and has good enough pitch for us to recognize them! He's getting better about Jeffy too, although I'm pretty sure he prefers his Mommy over everyone. He's helping to dress himself, will look at books independently, and is doing fantastically well in his Sunday School class.

All in all, we are very proud of our boy, and so thankful for the many people in his life who lead him closer and closer to a more easier understood way of living.

How quickly

How quickly the clouds roll in.
How quickly the shades are pulled down.
How quickly my eyes are filled with tears.
How quickly the key becomes minor.
How quickly Keats becomes gospel.
How quickly the water rises.
How quickly my eyes are darkened.
How quickly the light is shut out.
How quickly the mind turns.
How quickly the fingers fly.
How quickly the world caves in.
How quickly the silence becomes an invitation.
How quickly black makes sense.
How quickly the cup runs out.
How quickly the strength leaves.
How quickly the questions feel unanswerable.
How quickly the wind feels lonely.
How quickly the blessings are forgotten.
How quickly His Word is left unopened.
How quickly my memory is under shadow.
How quickly the tragic becomes the norm.
How quickly happiness feels irritating.
How quickly the small becomes overwhelming.
How quickly the fuse becomes short.
How quickly answers are no longer searched for.
How quickly Death seems to be the ultimate conqueror.
How quickly faint whispers seem so close.
How quickly the clouds roll in.
How quickly I forget the brightness of the sun.
How quickly.
How quickly indeed.

Another Wild Weekend

About two weeks ago I called my mom up and let her know that I was really missing her and the rest of my extended family. My dad's side was having their annual get together in Neskowin, OR on President's Day weekend, and I wondered aloud if it would be possible for us to come. We looked into plane tickets, which were way too high since it was under 21 days away. Then I talked to Chris about it, and he was all for all five of us driving over. Mom was able to get a bigger room at the Inn at Proposal Rock, where she and the rest of my family were planning on staying. So I took a personal day on Friday, and early Friday morning we drove to the coast.

That part of the trip went really well. We had minimal crying from the backseat, and we managed to make it there in time to pick up Mom (well, caravan with her) and head to Neskowin. Right before we left, Chris presented me with a beautiful boquet of wildflower looking flowers. So beautiful! As I think about it though, I'm pretty sure we left them at mom's house. But they really were beautiful.

We picked up pizza on the way there, and started eating it once we got to our suite, which had an ocean view and was AWESOME. Shortly after arriving, we found some of my cousins and my grandparents. They were heading to Mo's, a wonderful chowder house, and both my mom and husband encouraged me to go with them, while they stayed with the kids and allowed them to unwind from the 9 hour car ride.

It was great fun, and I had some delicious clam chowder and iced tea. I got back that night and had as nice a night's sleep as any hide-a-bed will allow.

The next morning we woke up to blue skies and our great view. The kids had all rested well, although we were all awake a little earlier than the rest of our Pacific time zone relatives.

Later that morning we had a great breakfast with the fam that was already there. The kids had a great time getting to know their third cousins. After that, Chris took Jeffy back to the room for a late morning nap, and the kids and I went to the beach with some of my cousins. It was a little chilly, but we had fun, even though Andrew insisted on running as close to the surf as possible. Proposal Rock is notorious for it's swiftly changing tides, and we were almost caught by it several times. It started to get dark, so we started the long walk in, and by the time we got back to our room, it was pouring. The kids and I changed into dry clothes, and then took a nice afternoon nap.





Upon waking, Chris and I saw that the weather had changed back into blue skies, and so Mom volunteered to take the kids while we walked. It was a wonderful time alone, with the refreshing wind that only an ocean can provide.



After our walk, we went over to get some coffee. Our mocha orders were taken by a guy who looked like he was too old to even know what we were talking about. However, appearances can be deceiving, and he turned out a fantastic vanilla mocha.

At this point, things turned a little crazy when an unexpected guest at our get together had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. Chris had run out upon seeing a few people around her, and had the sense to get the people in our group who actually knew her. Unfortunately, the poor woman turned out to be highly intoxicated, and had fallen due to the effects of the alcohol. So she was taken away, and her daughter had to drive her back home after her stay in the hospital.

After that, we all got ready to have our big family dinner. It was chili and salad, and looked and smelled awesome. I had just sat down to look at some letters my grandfather had written his mother when Jeffy came over to be picked up. I passed the book to Chris, and five seconds later Jeffy puked all over me...and puked....and puked...and puked....and with each puke my family would give a louder, higher pitched "Ohhh!" So, Chris and I walked back with Jeffy to our room, while my mom cleaned up the mess. Chris volunteered to stay with Jeffy and Andrew, who was a little restless by this point, and I went back after completely changing every article of puke soaked clothing.

The dinner was fine, although I was a little queasy after being puked on. We headed back a little while later and found that Jeffy's puking had not stopped. As I took Jeffy, I started to feel even queasier. Needless to say, I also got whatever bug he had, and puked that night, and was unable to get up for our final family breakfast. Chris drove the windy roads back to Tillamook as slowly as he could without getting pulled over, and when we finally got there, I went to bed, and stayed there pretty much all day. It was still a beautiful, completely blue skied day, and I couldn't go anywhere or see anyone. MISERABLE!

So this morning, after puking again, we packed up our stuff for Nampa. About halfway through the trip I was able to actually eat again, and by the time we got home, I felt much better, although a little weak. Chris had to go to class tonight, so I'm very glad I was over the stomach stuff by that time.

It was a difficult weekend in those respects, but not nearly as difficult as it could have been. My husband was so thoughtful, and so attentive to me and to the kids. He was so supportive in giving me as much time with my dad's family as I could get, stayed with the kids during naps or necessary breaks, was up with the kids both nights I was sick, and drove both ways to allow me to sleep. I have married an extraordinarily wonderful man, and this weekend was just another reminder of that.

And I did get to see dad's side of the family, which was the best thing this weekend, the fourth anniversary of his untimely death, could possibly produce.

Dizzy

I think I may be due for a doctor's appointment. I am so dizzy right now that I can't even stand up. The spells have been coming on fast, and are getting more frequent. It feels like it's a dumb thing to go the doctor for, though. I mean, everyone gets dizzy every once in a while, right?

But the thing is, I've had to take time off work for them, I've had to grab onto furniture to keep from falling, and will oftentimes have to lay down for hours at a time, waiting for the world to stop spinning. I've had at least 10 spells in the last two months...spells serious enough for me to lay down.

Dad lived like this perpetually for the last five years of his life. I can't even imagine.

Here's the difficulty: I don't have a regular doctor. I've been pregnant so much during the last five years that I really didn't need one...my Ob/Gyn was seeing me at least once a month. And last year, when I tried to get into one, they said I might have to wait for a month. And that's when I had a herniated disc! I can't imagine them wanting to get me in sooner for a few dizzy spells.

But, I know that while it could be no big deal, it could also be kind of serious. So if you have any suggestions on who I should go see, or better yet who would actually be able to get me in, please let me know. Because the spells aren't getting any better, and I think it may be time to find out if there's more to the story.

In the meantime, I shall lay down, and wait for the world to get back to it's normal non-moving (at least from our perspective) self.

And please pray for me.

I think I'm ready for Spring

It's official...I'm really tired of the illnesses that winter has been plaguing us with. I think it's because the kids (both my students and my actual children) have been crammed indoors with each other for too long. My students are going crazy...in some case literally, but generally just figuratively. I have given out more 2's and 3's in the past two weeks than I have all year long (I give points in my classroom to track how well the class behaved, followed directions, etc...5 is the most, 1 is the least. They are expected to get 5's, maybe a 4 every once in a while). And some of the classes I've been giving them to are traditionally my "good" classes...the ones I don't have to simplify the lessons for or nix certain activities all together.

But back to the illnesses. I've had some students out for over two weeks. And sometimes it's major illnesses (appendectomy, tonsillectomy, cancer even for one student), but it's generally just this cough/fever thing that my kids have had. It just won't go away! And it's draining, both physically and mentally, and everyone seems to be feeling it. There has been a negative vibe in the building for a couple of weeks now, which has everybody into everyone else's business, telling each other what they should be doing differently. Plank in the eye, people.

And my poor kids, especially Andrew, are just so tired. They just have so little energy. Kadee Joy has been in rarer form than usual, calling one of my dear friends a "loser" yesterday, which naturally sent her straight to bed. She's been testing the boundaries again, reminding me of her entire time as a two year old. She still has yet to understand that it really will be better for her if she owns up to what she has done, rather than lie about it and then get in trouble for both the original act and the lie...Of course, some adults still don't get that either. :)

But on a good note, Chris and I have really been enjoying our time together. We seem to have gotten over a small hill of negativity in our own home, and are into the more encouraging and growing portion of it.

So I know that there is sunshine ahead, warm winds, and comforting calm. Drudging through the cold muck for right now is tiresome, but will thankfully not last forever.

I took up a leadership role at church on Sunday, and have been quite occupied with that. But it has certainly forced me to seek God's guidance and strength, as it is a position that uses strengths but also tugs at many weaknesses that I have. I know that I can't do it on my own, nor would I want to. It's too easily riddled with conflict for me to even attempt to take it on my own. I'm very glad that God is using it do grow me, though. I think I was thinking a little too highly of myself for a while. :)

I'm writing this at school during a short break. I've been purposefully putting each of the grades and objective and learning goals up on the while, along with their corresponding standard. I will say that we were told to do this by administration, but sometimes I slide by since I don't have the "traditional" class setup. But on this one, I took hold of it, and found it to be empowering after looking more closely at the standards and realizing that I really just needed to focus on the few that were for that grade level and teach those in more depth, rather than skimming the service of a dozen other tangents.

And with that, I should go and rewrite them for next week. I'm looking forward to a weekend of rest.

Hmmm...

That's the most creative title I could come up with. Sorry. :)

This week has been...interesting. I've had a wide range of emotions, some good, some a little discouraging. But I've ended my week feeling positive, and reminded of how much in my life really just depends on my reaction to it.

Andrew got his first progress report. It was very cute. I know that reports aren't usually cute, but his was. He is on target to complete all his goals by the end of the year. Woo-hoo!

I've been hit with how quickly this sweet time in my kids' lives is passing. This wasn't simply something I thought up on my own, of course. I had two or three random people mention to me how they wish they could go back to this time in their own children's lives, when our presence as parents is still welcome and even sought after.

I think I'd like to go on an adventure with my family. It probably couldn't be real far away, or for real long...but still.

And apparently that is all I have to say. :)

Guilty Mother Syndrome

So that was the title of the blog I wrote at 4:30 am.

I pulled the blog at 6:45 this morning.

I write pretty well at that time of day, but I also tend to write to deep, too openly, too painfully. It was a very painful blog, one that took a harsh look at myself and the struggles that I still face.

Of course, if you've read my other posts, they can often be that way anyway.

But this one was too many of those things, and putting into writing that is published on the Internet was too much even for me.

So I will write a blog later that gives a better of look of how I am feeling that includes the discretion that even I feel is important when it comes to blogs. :)

Have a wonderful weekend.

The Medical Mystery Tour

Get it? Like the Magical Mystery Tour? Beatles? Anyone? Okay.

So Jeffy has still not been walking, and drags his left leg around pretty much all the time when he crawls. I e-mailed his rheumatologist to let him know that despite 30 days of steroids, Jeffy had not improved. He immediately e-mailed back and said he wanted to see Jeffy ASAP. So we got him in for today.

Sunday morning, Jeffy woke up with both eyes swollen, a fever, and a rash across his nose. All things that can be linked to autoimmune stuff. His eyes got worse over the next two days, and this morning, his left eye was nearly swollen shut. Weird, weird stuff.

So I took him to the doctor, and realized on my way there that the time that had opened up was the exact time of the inauguration. Whatever you voted, I'm sure most would agree that the inauguration today was of huge historical importance, and since I actually voted for now President Obama, I was very sad to have to miss it.

Regardless, I took him in, and our very concerned rheumatologist ordered more bloodwork, another specialist appointment (someone new), and another appointment with our pediatrician to rule out other possible infections.

So we're waiting for the results of the blood work (which, by the way, was a harrowing experience in which the phlebotomist searched with the needle INSIDE Jeffy's arm for one entire minute before actually finding the pain...BRUTAL...AWFUL...still makes me sick), which will hopefully help us figure out why he's not getting better.

In the meantime, our dear boy is very smiley, although very piratey looking with his one eye.

Our insurance has been giving us a few fits as well, and a technicality prevented us from automatically continuing with Medicaid as a supplemental insurance. This is a big deal for all of Andrew's developmental stuff as well as Jeffy's past, current and future medical issues. Hopefully our reapplication will go through without a hitch.

I am still having the chest and arm pains that sent me to the ER, but don't know what to do about it besides take my Advil as needed. It's kind of a pain (literally), but I'm glad it's not an actual big deal.

Chris got his exercise that he's been wanting and has been faithfully riding about 6 miles a day, although he researched it today and realized that he might have to make some additional changes to his life to make the changes to his body he wants.

I am just over feeling overwhelmed. I got hit with a huge wave of it today. It may hit me again later, but for now, it's okay.

Andrew is looking on the remote and identifying the numbers on it. What a smart boy!

Kadee Joy is "working" with a wrench. She's just turning it around and around, and explaining to me what job she is doing. She's so funny.

I'm starting to get random, so I'd better finish. One of these days, I'm going to post a cheesy blog that tells about how wonderful everyone is doing, feeling, etc....What a great day that will be!

Not again

So last year I had two ambulance rides from my school. Once was for falling on the ice in the parking lot (they thought I had concussion), and the other was for herniating my L5 while picking up a clipboard off the ground. So, at the end of 2008, I jokingly told my school secretary that I was excited for no ambulance rides in 2009!

And that's where I should have kept my mouth shut. It seems like lately, if I joke about anything, or act as though life is going smoothly, the recently laid rug gets pulled out again.

I was sitting at my desk today, sipping on my coffee, and enjoying the few minutes of peace and quiet in between my 1st grade class and my 4th grade class when I felt as though someone had reached inside my body, grabbed my heart, and squeezed tight around it. Shooting pains started to race down my left arm, and I started sweating, and had difficulty breathing. Being the ridiculous person I am, I looked up "chest pains" on the Internet, wondering if I should tell anyone about it. It lasted about 3 minutes before I decided that I might want to talk with my school nurse. So, heart and left arm still in a great deal of pain, I walked down to the office and asked to see our school nurse. She immediately had me lay down, took my blood pressure, which was quite high (for me), and found my pulse to be quite high too. I could actually hear and feel my heart pounding, which was quite unsettling.

So, yet again, my school had to call for an ambulance to come and take me to the hospital. Once in the ambulance, the EMT's tried to get an IV started in me so that they could start some nitroglycerin so that my veins would dilate, and so they could check some things out. 4 pokes later, no IV...they said my veins were "interesting." They also couldn't get a good read on one of the tests in my heart, which was somewhat concerning to them.

Once we got to St. Luke's, I was wheeled right into a room, where a nurse and doctor both appeared within minutes. They don't mess around with potential heart problems. My nurse had blood drawn and an IV started within a few minutes, and my doc ordered X-Rays and blood work. My chest pains had started to recede, although my left arm was still hurting.

Luckily, thankfully, I had not had a heart attack. Instead, I was diagnosed with inflammation of the chest (the inside :) and of my arm. With there still being some lingering pain, my doctor put me on some very, very strong pain medication.

If you know anything about any of my hospital experiences, you will know that pain medication is always a touchy subject. I have yet to find one that leaves me a sane person. Today was no different. Apparently as soon as the stuff kicked in (within a matter of seconds) I started to ask the same questions repeatedly, and then tried to tell Chris many secrets, including something about his birthday surprise. He was with it enough to insist that I not tell him anything about it, and patiently answered my questions, no matter how many times I asked them.

I was so glad Chris got there to meet me. I fell into tears many times on the ambulance ride over, sometimes in fear of what was happening, but also in grief as I remembered my dad, and the time I had to convince him to put the oxygen tube back in his nose just a day or two before he died.

My administrator Lynnie drove over to meet me too. I cannot begin to say what a great administrator I have. The docs and nurses were all amazed that a principal would actually take the time out of her day to come and be with me in the hospital. She welcomed me back to Nampa by offering me a job, has been praying for me for many years, and has always come to the hospital during my many stays. ;) I am so fortunate to call her both boss and friend.

And then of course there is my dear husband, who has taken care of me today from the moment he got to the hospital, and is still taking care of me. Some husbands get frustrated when their wives get sick...mine is so good to me, and I am so lucky to have him.

So the plan is to try and take things low-key, although I'm planning on going to work tomorrow, since writing lesson plans would cause more stress than just showing up. Hopefully the kids will be nice to me. :) And hopefully the inflammation dies down soon...the pain is still a little intense at time.

And thank you to those who prayed for me. Your prayers are your best gifts to me and my family.

And now, to bed. Thank you Lord for the gift of life. May I serve You with that in mind each day.

Best and Worst of 2008 (with grateful appreciation to Kara Franklin)

Now realize these may have come out years before...I just didn't experience them or really get into them until 2008

• Book(s) - Best: The Harry Potter Series. I'd never read a single one before this summer, and then read them all in a matter of two weeks. Don't judge them until you've read them! Worst: The Children of Hurin. Awful, depressing. Good writing of course (it's Tolkien), but makes you kind of want to shoot yourself.
• Movie -Best: The Jane Austen Book Club, Worst: Definitely, Maybe
• Song - Best: In Christ Alone (worship song), Worst: Probably something I had to teach my kindergartners. Some of their songs are lame-o
• Memory - This might not be the "best", but having my son go through major surgery. Second honeymoon to Texas would definitely be the best. Worst: Having someone ask my son Andrew point blank if he was stupid and just pretending to be deaf.
• Something new I've started - Best: publicly blogging and dying my hair. Worst: Spending a lot on getting my hair done
• Quote - Best:"Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Worst: "You can't help who you love"
• TV show -Best: The News (I'm a nerd) Worst: Survivor (China)
• New artist - I'm more into old artists. :) But I do like my artist at Studio D who does my hair :)
• Presidential vote - Barack Obama
• Person -Best: My husband, Worst: me, at times
• Place - Best: Corpus Christi, Texas or the Starbucks down the street, Worst: Target...okay it's the best, but I spend so much money there!
• Something I'm proud of -Making it through the year feeling that I firmly rested on the strength and wisdom of God
• Something I wish I could go back and do differently-Be more on top of my finances

Doing and being

I feel completely differently about 2009 than I did about 2008. For 2008, I made no resolutions. Not one. I didn't even think about it.

2008 was simply a year when I let whatever was going to happen...happen. Life was such a roller coaster leading up to January of last year that I didn't really even consider trying to break out of what was about to come. I just prayed for the strength to be able to handle it, and for God's will to be done.

I don't think that was a bad perspective. Looking back on the year, I don't think there was really any other way to handle it. There was nothing I was going to be able to do to keep my sons from being diagnosed with their various things. Metaphorically, the water had been at or above my head for quite a while. I wasn't going to do anything that would potentially add more.

January of 2009, on the other hand, has simply been a time for me to think about what I want to do to better myself and my family's situation, and a time for setting goals to accomplish that. I'm much more optimistic about 2009 and what exciting things are going to happen, rather than simply bracing myself for the difficulties I knew would ultimately come.

I've never been much for resolutions, but God has been clearly pointing out areas in my life that need to be changed. Attitudes, perspectives, habits...

So I'm excited for this New Year. I feel newly rejuvenated and motivated. Andrew is making huge gains, and I can't wait to see what he is able to do by January of 2010. My beautiful little girl will be starting kindergarten this year! I'm excited for the opportunities of learning and social interaction that school will afford her.

Jeffy, I am determined, will learn to walk and talk in 2009. It may not be when I want him to (that would have been a few months ago) but through whatever means we need to do whether it's therapy or what have you, he'll be able to do those things. And I will get to know my little boy even better.

Chris and I have moved into an area past just healing and now into full-on growth. I'm excited for what God is going to teach me through my marriage. We're teaching a new Sunday School class that has opened up so many doors of discussion and spiritual growth. Thank you Lord for that opportunity! But with all that, I know that I can be a much better wife and friend to my husband. God, please help me to look to You as the source of my hope and strength, so that I may in turn be able to give more to my husband, rather than looking to him to provide those things instead.

And I'm going to turn 30 this year. What in the world? When did that happen? But what a great wakeup call. Life will pass us by so quickly.

I want to be an excellent teacher. Not just a good teacher, but an excellent one. In some cases, I see these kids for only a few weeks before they're uprooted to another school. Lord, let your light shine through me so that in some miraculous way, they can be pointed ever closer to You.

I want to be a colleague that is encouraging, affirming, but who can also be constructively honest. I've been reworking conversations over and over in my head. I don't have it all figured out, and I think sometimes I try to come across as though I do. I have had several moments of humility come upon me because of my sometimes know-it-all-ish attitude. Lord, help me to be more like you.

I want to be a good friend. I tend to be a person that may know a lot of people through various situations, but keeps my real friends to a smaller number. There are many things I think of doing for people, but generally tend to just let them go by the wayside as I continue to focus on me. I am praying that my eyes will not only be opened to the ways I can love my friends, but that I will also be provided with the motivation to follow through.

And spiritually, I am determined to allow enough silence in my life to let God tell me what He actually wants me to focus on, which of course might rule out a bunch of goals I've just set. :)Lord, please show me the path you would have me follow each day. Help me to learn from the past, but not to dwell on it...and to build a home for my children and husband that enables us to look to the future with glad expectation while enjoying the delights of each present day.

I have not attained all that I can, and certainly have much to learn. But I am excited for what this year brings. Thank you Lord for bringing us to this point.