Elopement

When Andrew was first diagnosed, I was directed (by the developmental pediatrician who diagnosed him) to many different resources on autism. One of the sites was the IAN Project. During my entrance into the world of mothers of children with autism, I initially took on a frenzied search into the world of autism and studied anything about the disorder I could find. My search has not stopped...it has just slowed down a little bit.

I check up on it every once in a while, particularly when I receive notice of an article that features a struggle my family and I are having with autism. Recently, an article came to me regarding "Elopement and Wandering." "Wandering" I understood...the term "elopement" was a little strange. So I went to the actual site and checked it out.

Essentially, elopement is when a child (any child I guess, but seems particularly prevalent in children with autism) suddenly runs from an area of safety into an area of danger, and excludes those who did it at an age appropriate time (I remember Kadee Joy during the terrible twos).

Andrew struggled with elopement pretty much up until the age of four. If we were in a mall, a grocery store, our church, our house, he would suddenly run from us, usually when there was a long hallway, and would not come back on his own, regardless of how many times (or how loud) we screamed his name. The difficulty came when Chris and I were in a position where we could not simply run after him, which usually happened when I had Jeffrey in a stroller and Kadee Joy was still quite young herself. If I was lucky, I would be with someone who could stay with my other two while I ran after Andrew. If I wasn't that lucky, I would simply drag my other two with me and run after him at a slower pace. There were many times when Andrew was caught by some other well meaning adult who would scold him soundly for not listening to his mother. Other times, there was no one else to help, and all the other people there would simply watch and shake their heads at the mother who couldn't keep her brat under control.

The first dozen times it happened, I would be humiliated and had to leave wherever I was. I just couldn't handle the disapproval of those around me.

After the first dozen times, I realized that this was simply how Andrew was, and I would just have to keep working on helping him to understand that he just COULDN'T run whenever he wanted to. I don't know whether my talks did it, or if it was simple maturation, but around four, we went to the grocery store and he started to run again...I called his name and he stopped, turned around, smiled, and ran right back to me.

It has been that way in stores, malls, parks, etc...the only place it is a problem every once in a while is in parking lots, which of course is probably the most dangerous place it could happen. Today we went to Fred Meyer to do some banking and pick up a few things, including two gallons of milk. He was fine in the store, and Kadee Joy was there to keep him entertained.

I didn't have much at the end of the trip, just a bag of groceries which Kadee Joy carried, and two gallons of milk which I carried, one in each hand. Andrew had not "eloped" in quite a while, and the parking lot was not too busy, and since I didn't have the hands available we walked out together, hands to ourselves. Crossing the front of the parking lot was fine. But as soon as we got to where our van was, Andrew bolted. Kadee Joy and I both immediately called out his name, but he didn't even appear to hear us. We called again, and still no response.

By this time, families in the parking lot had stopped to stare. As I looked farther ahead, a car, about 20 feet in front of Andrew, had started to pull out. This time both Kadee Joy and I screamed his name and I dropped the milk on the asphalt and started to run. Andrew was still running, and the car was still backing out. I reached him right before it would have been too late and pulled him back. He had a smile on his face. The thought of getting hit had not (and still has not) crossed his mind. He was just going on a race towards...something. I turned him towards me and said "You DON'T run from Mommy...you could get HIT by a CAR!" He thought I was just yelling at him for no reason and pulled one of his standby movie quotes out to tell me essentially to leave him alone. I kept his hand in mine and walked him firmly to the van where I buckled him in. Then I went and got the abandoned milk cartons (which had not exploded, luckily), and loaded Kadee Joy and the groceries into the van.

Kadee Joy started crying in the car. She kept saying "Andrew, I know you didn't like that Mommy got you, but you could have DIED! You scared me to death!" Andrew, still feeling picked on, continued his movie quote rant and then requested fries (McDonald's has far too many locations).

After my heart had gone back to a regular rate, I reflected on what I could have done differently. I could have kept Andrew in the car grocery cart he loves until we got to the van, put him in, and then loaded the groceries. I could have tried to carry both gallons of milk in just one arm, and used the other one to hold onto Andrew. I could have...I could have...I could have...

The difficulty is that most of the time, he can handle staying with the family. There is no rhyme or reason to why he stays with the family sometimes and why he bolts others. I want to teach him to respond to someone calling his name, which he does so well now almost every other scenario. But it's like whatever it is he is running TO has far more pull than those he is running FROM.

And he's not alone. The study currently being done on IAN shows that it is a HUGE problem for families of children and even adults with autism. It's not an act of defiance or disobedience...it's simply part of the disorder. I don't have the time to explain that to every family who stops and stares, or to every adult who chews my boy out if they happen to catch him.

So I guess I would just like to say to everyone: If you see a child suddenly run from a safe environment to a dangerous environment, no matter how old, no matter if their parents are there or not...PLEASE take the time to stop the child, and PLEASE resist the temptation to scold, offer advice, or judge. It is very possible that you might encounter someone who dislikes your "interfering" by stopping their child, but I guarantee that most people would be grateful that you helped to keep their child from harm. I know I would.

Spring Break

I was a little apprehensive going into this Spring Break because I knew that my Mom had gone to the small town in California we lived in for eight years during her Spring Break and that my sister and her family were visiting my brother and his wife down in California for theirs...and I felt very left out. Not because I wasn't invited to get down there, but because I just couldn't...not with the new (to us) van we just got with our tax money, and the fuel pump we just replaced in our other car.

So instead, when people would ask me what I was doing for Spring Break, I would just witheringly tell them that I was staying at home. They would then inquire whether or not my kids and my husband had the same Spring Break as me...which they did, and I would reply as such. Then they would say some comforting thing like, "Oh, well that'll be nice!" I would reply something polite back, but would continue pining for a vacation I knew wasn't coming.

Silly me.

The first day of Spring Break started with coffee with my pastor's wife. This may sound odd, but in the 6 1/2 years we've been members at that church, we've never gone out to coffee, even though we are both coffee people and both of our husbands are in pastoral positions at the church. And I'd have to say that it was a WONDERFUL way to start out the week. We did talk about stuff for our upcoming Women's Retreat that she organizes and I am leading worship for this year, but mostly it was just talking. I'd been feeling very disconnected from our church, especially from the women in our church because Chris and I are primarily with the Senior High Youth. I'm not available for any of the bible studies because I work full time, and the list goes on. So it was just nice.

That same night we had a senior high overnighter. I really like spending time with our group, but "the old grey mare, she ain't what she used to be." I was exhausted after it. It took me a full three days to recover.

On Monday, I started out with a little shopping, mostly cooking ware that I've wanted since cooking out of Julia Child's cookbook. After that I came home and completed three out of the four tasks Chris had asked me to accomplish on our week off, the two main ones being the cleaning out and reorganizing of our kids rooms. They were quite the tasks but their rooms are now easy to play in, easy to keep clean, and are blessedly hygienic.

Chris and I have been able to get many great conversations in as well, which always seems to be difficult during the regular work weeks. Our marriage has been really growing lately, and I've been very, very content.

My kids LOVE being at home. Kadee Joy especially loves it. Sometimes I wonder if the amount of concentrated time she is at school is more exhausting than it should be....but either way, we only have eight more weeks and then she'll have a bigger break.

Andrew has his transition into kindergarten meeting coming up in the next couple of weeks. I was given the opportunity to go in and observe the two classrooms he was being recommended for: Moderate Extended Resource, and Severe and Profound. I really liked the Moderate Extended Resource room, even though it was not at the school he's been at for the past three years. I was SHOCKED however when I entered the Severe and Profound classroom. Most of the kids in the room were non-verbal and physically almost completely incapacitated. Both of those things are just not Andrew. Andrew would far and away being the highest child in the classroom. I believe that the teacher in the severe and profound classroom is doing amazing things...I just don't think Andrew in any possible way belongs there. So I went right over to our wonderful preschool teacher and let her know that I definitely wanted him in the other classroom. So we're excited to see what next year holds for our dear boy.

The rest of the week has been filled with laundry, laundry, laundry...and also a few more meetings with people from my church. I especially enjoyed meeting with one of our youth yesterday at Starbucks. It was so nice to be able to hear from her heart uninterrupted. I actually got to go to Starbucks TWICE yesterday, so obviously it was a good day.

Well, Jeffrey has patiently(?) been waiting for a turn on the computer so that he can do his multiplication numbers and learn about decomposition, so I should probably wrap up. It has been a very refreshing Spring Break, too short of course, and although I do love my job, this break has made me much more excited for the summer that will come sooner that I expect. May you find rest and peace as well.

A Saturday morning in the life of autism

Jeffrey comes in. He's usually the first to wake up on Saturday mornings. He brings with him his little magna-doodle board. He doesn't really mind that I'm trying to sleep...in fact, even if I tell him that I'm trying to sleep, he doesn't seem to understand. In typical, three year old fashion, the world revolves around him.

In atypical three year old fashion, he begins writing the letters of the alphabet, both uppercase and lower case. If any of the letters are not perfectly connected, he screams, erases the board, and tries again. Usually he is in a very good mood when he first wakes up, though, and these days he rarely makes mistakes in his handwriting. He announces each letter to me as he writes them. If I ask him for he kiss, he obediently pushes his forehead towards me. Jeffy has never, ever given me a kiss with his lips. He will only allow people to kiss him.

Andrew usually comes in next. "Hi, Mommy!" He shouts. He didn't call me "mama" until after he was diagnosed. I still smile whenever he calls me Mommy, remembering the days when I didn't think he ever would. He also calls out, "Hi Jeffy!" Jeffy is his best friend. Jeffy is also his boss. I'm not sure when this changed, but Jeffy the three year old definitely rules the roost over Andrew the five year old. Andrew quickly jumps onto the bed, and starts planting kisses all over my face. He can't give or get enough of them. "Hi Daddy!" he calls, which Chris kindly returns with a "Hi, bud!" and then rolls over to go back to sleep.

Jeffy replies a brief "Hi" to Andrew, but then turns quickly to me and says, "Letters?" "Letters" is code for a computer program on line, starfall.com, and Jeffy is obsessed with it. Jeffy would spend all day on it if allowed to. He became proficient in actually using the mouse on our computer a few weeks ago, and can now navigate back and forth throughout the program. He's way past the part that goes through letter sounds and matching games. He now goes to the math games and the more complicated reading games. Andrew will request specific games every once in a while, which Jeffy will usually oblige him with unless he has fixated on something else. Andrew is very easy going, though, and doesn't mind if Jeffy chooses to do something else. I tell both boys that they can't play yet, because they have to eat breakfast. This is met by a scream from Jeffy, and a mimicked scream from Andrew. Chris was up late with Kadee Joy, so I get up with my boys.

Both boys are not yet potty trained. They are both capable of going potty on the toilet, but still incapable of communicating when they have to go, or even if they have already gone. A more perseverant mother might have Andrew potty trained...I don't yet. So the first thing I do each morning is change their diapers. If one of them happens to be dry, I have them go on the toilet. Most mornings they are wet though. This is not a part of parenting I thought I would still be dealing with at the ages they are...but then again, a lot of things are different.

After changing diapers, I make breakfast. Most of the time, it's scrambled eggs. Andrew has never been able to eat cereal, even as a baby. His oral sensitivity is such that the crunchiness of the cereal is painful to him. He just recently started to eat tortilla chips if we have them with tacos. Andrew will run to the refrigerator, get out the eggs, and set them on the counter. Then he pulls out the pan and sets it on the stove. He also gets out the glass measuring pitcher that I use for the eggs, and then runs to the drawer to get a whisk. He helps crack an egg or two, and then rubs the whisk in the eggs back and forth between his hands. "Good job, Mommy!" he says, as I finish whipping the eggs. "Thanks Andrew" I reply, and then finish preparing the eggs.

Jeffy likes cereal pretty well, but we're still trying to bulk him up. He only weighs 26 pounds. He doesn't help make the eggs, although he loves to watch the process.

Both boys sit down at the table after I ask them to in a sing-song voice. They scoop their eggs into the mouths carefully with their forks. Sometimes, when Andrew gets full, he tries to sneak some to his other best friend, our dog Abby. I try to catch him, but think that Abby probably gets more human food than she should from her benefactor.

After breakfast comes "Letters." Jeffy, as I said, is the navigator of the computer. He's recently found a section of starfall that talks about the pairing of vowels, and how "when two vowels go a'walking, the first one does the talking." When the images of a maid cleaning and a team running show up, the boys roll in hysterics. Every time. Many times over. It is hilarious to watch and listen to.

Andrew loses interest long before Jeffy does. He'll usually play with Abby for a little bit, or else pull out his dinosaurs. His dinosaurs make sense to him. He'll move their heads as he moves his head, and then make roaring sounds as he imagines a dinosaur would. This, I have been told, is an unusual move for a child with autism. Imagination can be very difficult to understand or display, but Andrew does so easily.

Jeffy will eventually be forced off of the computer, and will cry. He'll get over it quickly enough once he finds something else, always something else with letters. Lately he has taken to writing his name, which is the cutest thing. I imagine reading and writing other words are not too far off. He sometimes requests, "Numbers?" which is code for a connect the dots game. He enjoys this game, although not as much as "Letters."

Conversations with my Andrew still are simply movie quotes or repeated phrases. If he wants something, he painstakingly says what he wants in the form of the question, "You want...?" and then answers himself "I want...!" Jeffy is more difficult to read. He just whines or cries until I properly guess what he wants. Then he repeats it. If you press the issue, he will repeat the correct phrase one word at a time.

The two boys as playmates are a joy to watch. Sometimes they will act out scenes from their favorite movies, or sometimes (like today), they will race each other. Jeffy developed very late in the area of mobility, so it is wonderful to see him running back and forth, even if his gait is still a little odd. Andrew runs back and forth laughing, and every once in a while shouts, "Come on, Jeppy!" Giggling, they continue on. Then, inevitably, they will both ask for juice.

After about an hour of playtime, I have them get dressed. Jeffy still has to be helped in every article of clothing. I still wonder sometimes if the inflammation that registered so high in his blood work is still bothering him, as he is so sensitive to any pressure placed on his feet or head.

Andrew can dress himself, but has to be prompted. He recently mastered putting his own shoes and socks on, a task that still earns a proud smile whenever he finishes it. As a toddler, he hated putting clothes on and preferred to run around in just a diaper. Now he can't stand to be without a shirt for more than a few seconds.

After getting dressed, in good weather they would play outside. As it is, with our below freezing temperatures, it's just more indoor stuff. This morning Andrew requests, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas?" It's a Disney movie that I doubt ever made it in the theatres, but the boys love it. The beginning scene shows Donald Duck's nephews racing down the stairs, and the boys are hysterical for the first 10 minutes of the movie. The companionably share the same chair while they watch, and Andrew is always looking at Jeffy and Chris and I to see if we find it as funny as he does. The boys last about half an hour into the movie, and then leave to find other ventures around the house.

Normally Kadee Joy would be a major part of this story, but she was very sick today with an ear infection. A more patient big sister you will not find. Every once in a while, she will unwittingly give them therapy by interjecting an interruption into their routine, which forces them to figure out how to communicate what they want. Today she laid low and slept often, despite the disruptions her brothers sometime provided by crawling over the top of her while she slept.

Such is a typical morning with my boys. I recently spent a long weekend with my nephews, neither of whom have autism, as well as a night with the sons of a friend of mine at work. I was struck by the differences in both sets of boys from my own, and realized that mine are much, much easier than "normal" boys their age, and yet much, much more needy than "normal" boys their age. What I appreciated about both these experiences were the wonderful qualities I saw brought out of all of the boys when faced with the varying differences of their newly reacquainted playmates. And I had hope for those that my boys would meet in the future as well, knowing that they have brought out in me better qualities than I had before knowing them, and that they can and will do the same for others.

Happy New Year!

Jeffy looking cute.


All the cousins...Kadee Joy, Jeffy, Isaac, Ephraim, Andrew and Finnie

My cute kids.

Chris, me, Kadee, Matt, Aaron, and Dina

Me, Aaron, and Kadee

Mom taking a funny picture of Kadee and I with each other's spouse

Me, Mom, Aaron, and Kadee
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2010 was a good year. There have been a few years during the last decade that were very hard and I was glad they were over, but this year was a good one.

Last night was officially our last night of Love INC. We graduated out of the program having paid off approximately $10,000 in unsecured debt...Holy Cow! It was very sad to say goodbye to our financial counselor, Rod. He was such a source of encouragement to us, and we will miss the hour a week we were blessed by him. Kadee Joy was quite distraught that last night was her last "Ruby Group." The boys didn't really know that anything different was going on, but gave hugs when asked. A family from the community adopted our family (through Love INC) and gave us a plethora of great Christmas presents. Opening them was overwhelming, exciting, and very, very humbling. We hope to be able to bless another family in a similar way in the very near future.

Last week (and the first part of this week) we were able to make the trip over to Tillamook. My mom rented a beach house for all of us kids (and our kids) to stay in. It was a fantastic beach house that had three stories, two kitchens, 5+ bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. It also had (of course) a fantastic view of the beach, which was good since it poured so much that we were only able to actually go on the beach one time for about five minutes. We all took turns making meals, and out of it came some pretty delectable cuisine. I got called "a Wirick girl" a couple of times at church, which always makes me feel good. :) It was wonderful to be with my immediate family for such a long period of time. We were also able to see some of my dad's side of the family, which has been rarer since he died. It was also the first time we had all been together for Christmas in Tillamook since Dad died, and was indeed a very special time.

Jeffrey recently discovered how to play the computer and is almost constantly asking for "letters" which is Jeffy for starfall.com, which he loves dearly. It's funny to watch him navigate his way through the program with Andrew shouting directions at him. They have such a funny sibling relationship. There are some things that are certainly different about having children with autism...but the huge lack of arguing amongst my children is something that I very much appreciate.

Chris and I have been doing well. Chris has been having some pretty major back pain recently, which we have been able to praise God for since he was uninsured for many years and didn't start having the pain until after he got insurance through his teaching job. We're hoping that the treatment he is receiving helps to improve his pain soon.

Since my thyroid surgery, I have noticed that my energy has been much, much better, as has my appetite. I am grateful for the excellent care I received.

Kadee Joy is reading very, very well. She's in the highest reading group at school. I've started to notice the upsides and downsides of this new skill...great that she is improving so much and can read to her siblings and to me, but not so great that she can now read what programs are coming on the TV that she wants to watch before I can switch the guide.

Autism is proving to be a very difficult beast to wrestle. I kind of laugh when I read older blog posts where I seem to know everything about autism. As I watch both of my boys grow, and as we gain more and more students with the same disorder, I realize how little I know of it, its' causes, and just what the future holds. We have been able to go out to eat on a couple of occasions thanks to some very generous church members who showed appreciation for Chris during pastor appreciation month, and we have found that going out is not nearly the challenge it used to be, although certainly there are still places (i.e. the Tillamook Cheese Factory) where the large number of people, sounds, sights, and smells prove to be too much for Andrew, who will begin throwing, running, screaming, or quoting to try and alleviate some of his sensory overload issues. Jeffrey does not seem to be quite as affected by it, or at least tries to cope by snuggling more, which I'm always up for. :)

My battle with depression has been going much better over the past few months. I am on a very light dose of anti-depressant, and have been able to feel above the clouds rather than right in them or under them.

I find myself very thankful at this particular time in my life. I have three beautiful kids, a husband who loves me very much, an unexpectedly perfect pet who has been such a wonderful addition to our family, a warm and comfortable house, a job that I love, a church family who is family, and friends and family who have been loyal and true through a variety of obstacles. I am excited to see what opportunities God brings into our very blessed lives.

Life

I have zero to complain about.

A few hours after I wrote my last blog, Chris interviewed for and was hired as a fourth grade teacher at an elementary school in Caldwell. The two and a half additional years of school and hard work paid off. I am so proud of him. We got the call while on our anniversary date, and it was one of the happiest moments we've had in a long time.

We now have three different school districts and their varying schedules in our household. Kadee Joy now attends my school. We didn't start her there last year. I'll admit that I was nervous about having my (sometimes stubborn) daughter in my own classroom. And since I am the music teacher, I would have her as one of my students no matter what grade she was in. But she really, really wanted to go to my school, and so I open enrolled her. I cannot begin to say what a positive change this has been for our relationship. We get so much mommy/daughter alone time before and after school, and it is always so fun to catch a glimpse of each other in the hallway. The discipline problems in my own classroom that I had worried about are non-existent, and she always cheers when I am her "specials" class for the day.

Andrew and Jeffy are now both attending the developmental preschool. I cannot begin to say how blessed we have been by their teacher. She is compassionate, loving, and so patient with our boys. It is not difficult to send them into her caring classroom. Jeffy came home from his first day explaining a need using complete sentences. "I wanna eat. I'n hungwy. I need some food!" Andrew has seemed very happy to be "going bye bye?" every morning, and both boys love getting to go back to the daycare they started last fall. It is a very loving daycare, and you can tell how good the staff there are by how comfortable my boys are in going each morning.

Chris has been tackling the challenges every first year teacher meets with professionalism and hard work. He goes in early to prepare and seeks out the advice of veteran teachers, and is just striving to be excellent in this God-given job...He makes me so proud! Thank you, Lord, for your provision in our lives!

Love INC is still going well, although it's definitely a time of transition. We didn't know how we were going to pay our first six weeks of daycare since Chris doesn't get paid till the end of September...and then a dear, close relative sent us a check that covered that bill and more...thank you, if you are reading this! God has been so, so faithful in providing for our every need and so much more. The hours I spent worrying were, of course, for nothing since God's plan was so much better than my own.

My own job is going well, and I can't help but think how blessed I am to be able to wake up each morning and fulfill God's calling on my life as a music teacher in a public school. I get to lead the school in dances every morning, and then teach every single child in the school through and about music. I LOVE MY JOB...and know how fortunate I am not just to have a job, but to wake up each morning looking forward to what I get to do. Thank you Lord for bringing me to this place, to these people, and to a time in our lives where we can sit back (at least for a few minutes) and remember that His plan is SO much better than ours.

Tribute to Chris

To know Chris Tiner is to know an impressively genuine person. There are many people who could list the faults of him, but that is to be expected considering that he wears his heart on his sleeve, does not change based on who he is around, and cannot for the life of him even attempt to be someone he is not. This can make him an easy target for criticism...He is himself, much to the consternation of those who are in the business of trying to change everyone to be more like themselves.

To know Chris Tiner is to know someone who is passionate and vocal about his loves. If you have spent five minutes with him, you know he loves the greatest country on earth (Texas), all sports related or formerly related to it, and its food (Tex-Mex). You would also know that he loves people, and would be surrounded by them all the time if his introverted wife would let him. He does not love half-heartedly...he invests of himself wholeheartedly.

But I have had the privilege of knowing Chris as his wife. And today, on our ninth anniversary, I would like to share a few things about my husband that many of you may never get to see.

1) Chris is ridiculously intelligent. Chris' outgoing, fun-loving nature often produces the effect of making people think he can't possibly have been serious enough in school to do well. Of course, I won't pretend that he was always the world's best student (and he wouldn't pretend that either), but he writes beautifully, outshines me in math (much to my egotistical dismay), spells just as well if not better than I do, and unfortunately usually beats me in every trivia game. And he writes and delivers beautiful sermons...although he'd much rather tell you his testimony for a few hours. :)

2) Chris has a very clear sense of right and wrong, and lives to a standard that is consistent wherever he goes. Now if you have gotten to know Chris Tiner, he has no doubt shared his testimony with you. There was a time three and a half years ago when he traded his standard in for a lie, and that was the only time I have seen him try to be someone he was not. I can tell you that since that time, he has not wavered for a second. And he is tireless in his resolve to keep others from going down the same path he went down. He is constantly trying to "live under God's umbrella," meaning that he always wants to know God's will for his life and live in it (and under it) each moment.

3) Chris is a WONDERFUL husband. I do not wake up doubting that I am loved. I don't wake up doubting I'm beautiful. I NEVER doubt that Chris will be excited to see me and talk to me, and tell me absolutely everything that's going one, whether minor or major. I don't worry about caring for the kids all by myself. Chris is a part of everything I do. I don't have to worry about whether or not my needs or wants will be met that day because Chris is constantly trying to anticipate and fulfill them. He is as non-traditional as husbands come...he cooks, cleans, changes diapers, while also still being the handyman around the house. What is it that I do, you ask? He probably wonders the same thing. :)

4) Chris talks as much at home as he does everywhere else. Women speak 20,000 words a day, men speak 7,000 words a day? Not in my house. It's quite reversed. I rarely, rarely, rarely have to work at getting Chris to talk to me. He will drop whatever he's doing to do it. As soon as he's done with something that I wasn't able to do with him, he will call me and tell me all about it. Even if he's watching a game on TV, he will try to include me in on his thoughts. I hear that's impressive...I don't know any different.

5) As much as Chris likes to talk about his own interests, he is constantly opening himself up to learning about things that interest others. In being married to me, he has gone to great lengths to become an expert on the things that matter to me, and is always looking for things that I can watch, see, or do that involve those things.

6) Life with Chris is never, ever boring. And it hasn't been since the day he came into my life.

7) Chris is proud of me. He doesn't question my abilities. He always supports any endeavor I try. He thinks I'm attractive even in my scroungiest moments. He is my safe harbor. He is my biggest fan. His love for me is unselfish, compassionate, and encouraging. He is the man God designed specifically for me.

8) Chris is himself. If you had to, you could come up with a list of weakness and faults that go along with these wonderful qualities. And many people, sadly, seem to use most of their energy to do so. But I am so thankful to know the whole of him, and praise God for the amazing work He did in creating my Chris. I know that I've left out a huge number of more great things, but it's four in the morning, and my mind is spent.

I love you, Chris Tiner. I don't deserve you. Thank you for choosing me.

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Thoughts on Love INC

For those of you who don't know, Love INC is a non-profit organization that works with many churches in the Treasure Valley (any many other places in the nation) to provide a variety of services for people/families in need. And when I say in need, I don't just mean financial. For more info on them (because I don't know everything they do) go to their website.

I talk to my twin sister quite often, and it seems that Love INC comes up at least two or three times during that conversation. Recently, she mentioned that I should blog about my experience with them. And so, here it is. :)

I first heard about Love INC at College Church's Living Christmas Tree. I was in the choir, and the proceeds of all the concerts were going to their organization. They had several families give their testimonies about what the organization had done for them. One family had been up to their eyeballs in credit card debt, didn't have a stable home, and were on the verge of divorce. The program had given the resources and tools to get back on their feet, pay off their debt, purchase a home, and save their marriage. I remember getting a little emotional as I heard the testimonies, but also saying to myself, "How in the world does anyone get themselves into that much debt. I'm so glad I'm so smart financially."

And of course, God heard my thoughts. :)

Three years later, Chris and I were in marital crisis, and I was severely depressed. The finances took a backseat. I had always been in charge of paying the bills and knowing how much money we had at any given time. We were without any credit card debt. In fact, the only debt we had was our mortgage and student loans, which I had always understood to be "good debt."

Fast-forward three months, and we had been able to sell our house, but at a loss of over five thousand dollars. My mom lent us the money so that we could pay the loss. Chris' dad lent us money to move to Nampa. And so we arrived at my sister-in-law's house in Nampa to live there while we were looking for another house. They were so graciously generous with us, and yet we continued to spend as though we had the same income we'd had in Washington...except that neither of us were working at the time.

Credit card debt is dangerous in many ways, but what did us in was the fact that once it got to the point where we knew we couldn't pay it off, we just sort of stopped trying to keep it under control. Thoughts like, "Well, we're already so deeply in, a $4.19 drink from Starbucks won't make that much of a difference." And these thoughts, of course, are lethal to any attempt to get debt under control and paid off.

Fast forward to 7 months ago. Our debt was ridiculous. Over $14,000 in credit card debt. I still owed my mom the money for our house. We still owed Chris' dad for the moving expenses. We had around $2000 in medical bills. And Chris had gone back to school for his teaching certification, nearly tripling his student loan debt. I was up nights just thinking about it, not having any idea how in the world we would be able to pay it off. And Chris was about to start student teaching, so we would have an additional $1000 per month in childcare expense.

And that's where Love INC came back into my life. Friends of ours from church had mentioned the New Hope Relational program that Love INC offered, which had enabled them to pay off all of their debt, and gave them the tools to reach financial stability. And it was all biblically based in it's philosophy. Chris and I had tried to get into the program a year ago, but couldn't because his teaching classes were on the same night as the program itself, and they wouldn't let us do it with just me attending the classes for the program.

So Chris made a few calls during the first week of January, and after going through a brief interview, we were invited to come to the first orientation meeting. Our first meeting was so hardcore. We were told that the program works, but only for those who make it work. We had to commit to coming to the program every single Thursday night for a year, which included meeting with a budget counselor and taking various classes. We were told that we would have to give all of our credit cards, debit card, and checks to Love INC until we were finished with the program. And before being placed with a budget counselor, we had a variety of steps that we had to complete. If we didn't complete them within two months, we would be kicked out of the program. With that being said, the program was completely free. So they were entitled to a few rules.

I left that night feeling a little frightened. But I was even more frightened of the consequences of us not doing anything about our financial situation for even one more day.

So we continued going to the preliminary classes. We were taught things like how to balance a checkbook (which I was very arrogant about knowing how to do, even though I hadn't done it in years), the difference between various kinds of debt, etc. Our assignments for the first few weeks included writing down every single purchase we made, what we made it with, and what category of purchase it fit into (entertainment, home, groceries, transportation, etc.). We also started having access to Love INC's food pantry, which provides tons of dry and canned goods to the participants of the New Hope program. They use this to help cut normal grocery expenses while we try to pay down debt. It feels a little awkward at first...but we get over that as we see just how little we can actually live on.

The second set of classes included learning the different forms we would be using with our budget counselor, including a checkbook balance sheet, a monthly payment calendar, a budget worksheet, a debt worksheet (that one was hard), and also getting a credit report. The last one was very scary, but ended up actually making us feel better...our credit score was not anywhere close to as bad as we thought it might be. It did show us all of our creditors and the amount of debt we had (which I actually hadn't been totally aware of ...on purpose, of course). For attending the classes and completing the homework assignments, we began receiving vouchers as rewards. These vouchers included gas voucher, diaper vouchers, oil change voucher, haircut vouchers...more stuff that we could use so that the money we would normally spend on them could be used to pay down debt.

Once we had all of those things together and had turned in our credit cards, debit cards, and checkbooks (again, SCARY!), we graduated into the part of the program where we were interviewed by the head of Love INC, and then assigned to a budget counselor, who we would meet with weekly.

We were assigned to Rod, a wonderful man of God who I am so thankful for. He started out just getting to know us, looking at all of our forms to make sure we knew what we were doing, and then reassuring me (after I expressed a worry that we would do something wrong inadvertently and then get kicked out of the program) that he would guide us all along the way, and that if we did something wrong because we didn't know any better, he would be the one to blame, not us.

The way the meetings go with our budget counselor is pretty simple. We meet for an hour every Thursday night. We always pray at the beginning. Then he checks to see if our receipts match up with the amount of cash we started with at the beginning of the week. We get cash figuring out what our expenses will be for that week, discussing our predictions with our budget counselor, and then getting our checkbook back for a few minutes to write a check for cash to take to the bank the next day. The cash we get is what we have to live on for that week. If we run out...too bad. We have to wait until the next Thursday. At first we budgeted a little high, but then found that we always had extra money, so kept paring down what we were spending. We started out spending approximately 100 dollars a week on gas and around 80 dollars a week on groceries. We now usually spend around 60 dollars a week on gas and 30 dollars a week on groceries.

Rod always, always, always brings us back to the word of God. Every need, praise, or prayer request is brought before God. And also, if the need is one that Love INC has the possibility of meeting, we can put a request into the program. It has so many partners or former participants across the Treasure Valley that things like car repairs can be done with minimal cost to us...and the money we would normally spend on that would once again be used to pay down debt. And about every three weeks, Rod will ask us to "sweep the account." This is where we plan out the next 6 weeks of expenses, compare it with what we will make and what we have in the bank, and take any excess and pay down our debt. And we ALWAYS HAVE EXCESS.

We now have a balanced checkbook, and always know exactly where our money is going. Our bills are completely up to date. We have obviously added nothing to our credit card debt, since we don't have our credit cards.

And since starting the program, we have paid off nearly $8000 in debt. Can you see the smile on my face in your imagination?

This is such an incredible example of the church at work. It is not just one church that contributes to and runs this program. There are so many churches and volunteers from all over the Treasure Valley who contribute. And the people who come to the program are from all walks of life. But we are all at a point where we know there is a better way to live, and simply weren't able to get there on our own.

This has been a long post, but I hope an encouraging one. For those of you who live in the Treasure Valley, or anywhere else where there is a Love INC program, I would HIGHLY encourage you to get involved. Some of you might be like Chris and I...in that stage of knowing you need help with your finances and are tired of trying to fix them on your own. Others of you might have things to donate, or time to volunteer. But I can tell you, from personal experience, it is a life changing program, and one that IS making a difference in people's lives. Please be in prayer for this ministry, and give God praise with me for the wonderful people He put in our lives through it. If you have any more questions about it, feel free check out the website, or e-mail me if you would like prayer for your particular situation.

Praise God for the great work He is doing through His people!

Strides

Summer has proved to be what it usually is...a time of rest (daily naps, woo-hoo!), a time of reconnecting (I thought I knew my kids...I'm finding out their depths are as endless as my own), and a time of reorganizing (for those of you who know me well, I know the last one is hard to believe).

It has, at times, been rather lonely. I find that when Chris leaves town, fewer people can or want to hang out, so I have many more hours alone with my kids than I am used to. This is not necessarily a bad thing, since so much of the school year is spent apart, but it has pushed me into a few moments of self doubt about this particular time in my life. This is where the time for reorganizing and reconnecting with my kids comes back in.

In the time spent with my kids, I've discovered quite a few things.

Kadee Joy: really never can have "too much" attention. I used to view this as a bad thing. I still struggle with it, but then just realize that she is simply designed this way, and it serves her well in new social situations. I'm afraid she really does get the raw end of the deal in having not one, but two brothers with special needs. She is the one that we depend on for normalcy, and whom we expect the most out of. She really is so good to her brothers, and has such a funny little personality. Mommy and Daddy dates mean the world to her, as do getting to go over to other people's houses. She recently told some friends of ours "Come over if you get bored!" She always wants people around. Sound like anyone else we know? :)

Andrew: had really hit a wall, developmentally. He had also regressed in his communication and had begun having almost hourly meltdowns that consisted of the most wretched screams I have ever heard, although they were probably more wretched to me because I am his mother. It's hard to tell what exactly triggered them...he could be at home, in his comforts zone, or he could be in very crowded public places. He could be well rested, or he could be tired. He could be full, or he could be hungry. Vacation Bible School raised my concerns dramatically when he couldn't even attend 3 out of the 5 nights because he had had such rough days that we knew he would have to spend the entire time separated from all of his peers, and placed in the nursery. And four year olds do not belong in the nursery.

So on Monday, I took him to his semi-annual autism doctor's appointment, and after describing the consistency and type of his behavior, we decided to go the medication route. I had hoped to avoid it. Chris had reservations about it, knowing that Andrew was not deciding to be medicated, but rather being forced.

The first day on it, Andrew was a zombie. He fell asleep for three hours (during the day) and then kept asking to go to sleep. It was completely atypical Andrew behavior.

The second day, still mostly a zombie. He layed down on the couch on his own, and once again took a three hour nap and had very little energy for the rest of the day.

Then the third day came, and I noticed that the screaming had gone done from multiple times in an hour to only a few times during the entire day.

And then the zoo trip came. That was yesterday. He was not in a stroller, was surrounded by people (including the group of youth we had taken with us) and did not have his usual comforts (blanket and sippy cup). And he did SO WELL. He didn't run. He held our hands the entire time (which he can usually only tolerate for about 30 seconds). He showed great interest in the animals, many of which he labeled properly. And I'm fairly sure if he did scream, it was only one or two times, and it was never very loud. It was a good day. :)

Jeffy: This little boy seems to amaze everyone who comes in contact with him. He's so smart. Yesterday, Chris and I were watching the West Wing and he had snuck out of bed for what must have been the sixth time that night. When the opening music came on, he started conducting it. Every single rhythmic and melodic change was noted by his gracefully moving arms. It was CRAZY, but so cool. He also did extremely well at VBS, and was able to stay with his peers the entire time, and loved doing all the movements to the music.

He has been climbing like crazy, jumping like crazy, running all over the place, all of which he was nowhere near being able to do last summer. He goes to a developmental therapy group for 2 1/2 hours once a week, and the therapists always sing his praises when we pick him up. He's still working on interacting with his peers...he relates to objects, letters, and numbers much more easily...so we continue to try and get him into as many social situations as Andrew will allow. Hopefully that number will grow.

And then there's Chris and I. I don't know if anyone else finds this to be true, but the summertime can bring out both the best and the worst in the lives of married couples because you have so much more time together than usual. Chris and I are so different from each other, and this always is more pronounced during the summer time, since both of us are at home so much more often.

I have been struggling with the respect issue. Any other women struggling with that in regards to their husbands? I find this to be particularly difficult after Chris has been gone for a little bit. I become master of my home domain, and then he comes back and I still want to rule all. :)

I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the fact that I have grown up my whole life knowing, and being told, that I could do anything I wanted to do. I have always been captain of my own fate, spiritually, educationally, career-wise...

Then marriage comes along, and so much of what they teach in the church is subjection to a husbands decisions and plans, and respect for him as the head of the household. And this seems to totally contradict what I as an independent woman have learned and experienced in the world outside of marriage. I find myself wanting to voice my own opinion as being the superior one CONSTANTLY. I find the role of a wife just plain old HARD in so many ways.

And yet, as a Christian and student of the Word of God, I know that He has called me to something else. To something harder, more against nature perhaps...but so much of my natural instincts are so wrong, and so hurtful. And I see what my attitude of disrespect does to my husband. I see the pain, and know how hurtful it is to him.

So, in this blog on strides, I would ask you to pray for me, as a wife called to something higher in Christ. I would ask for you to pray that my heart would be changed and my mind renewed to that of Christ's.

I want to be a woman with Christ living through her, more than trying to meet the double standards that this world has set up in regards to the many roles I now find myself in. And by the way, in case you didn't know, my husband is WORTH it. He takes such good care of me in so many extraordinary ways that most wives would be amazed to see in their own husbands. This is what makes the struggle so sad...I don't have a mean, obnoxious, chauvinistic, abusive husband...I have a wonderfully kind and really unique husband who is very desirous of my time with him.

Prayers needed! But so many praises as well.

Abi-girl

So we have a new addition to our family. This is Abby, and she is SUCH a good girl. Kadee Joy started calling her "Abigirl" instead of Abigail, which I think is pretty cute, so we all end up calling her that throughout the day.

Miss Abby came to us after much praying and searching. We've been considering getting a dog for quite a while, mostly for Andrew. He (as well as most children with autism) connects with animals far more easily than with humans, and we have seen him just light up when around dogs. I've been scanning humane society websites, ads in the newspaper, craigslist, putting out emails to my church and school district looking for the perfect dog for our family. A few times, I thought I'd come close, but God had much better plans for us.

Last Wednesday I was doing my usual look at the craigslist adds for dogs that were being re homed and I found an intriguing title. "Abby-babby-bo-babby, banana fanna, fo-fabby!"

I figured anyone who used a song to introduce their dog was a good sign. So I looked and found a BEAUTIFUL four year old yellow lab looking at me (via picture of course). She was house trained, said to be very gentle, and a great family dog (including allowing their toddler to sit on her head). Her family was being stationed overseas, so they needed to find a good home for her.

So I e-mailed them, and then couldn't wait for the reply so called the number. It turned out the Miss Abby came from a very unique family...which included a four year old with autism! (He's the one who would sit on her head) They were willing to waive the re-homing fee if the perfect family came along, and we agreed that we would indeed be the perfect family. We brought the info to our budget counselor at Love INC who felt that God had indeed lined this dog up for us. So the next day, Chris and the kids went to Mountain Home and picked her up. I'm pretty sure that for Chris it was love at first. I called within a few minutes after I knew he would have picked her up, and he was smitten. Andrew had been melting down as they picked Abby up, but as soon as she came into the van he calmed down and giggled at his new doggy.

Since coming home she has been WONDERFUL. Andrew has been all over her, and she is very patient with him, having not even so much as growled. Jeffy likes her too, especially when she barks at the garbage man (this sends him into hysterical giggles). Kadee Joy loves her Abi-girl too, and is very good at picking on our clues of how to get her to go outside, lay down, sit, etc.

Miss Abby has so far been a wonderful addition to our family, and we are so grateful to God for his timing in bringing her to us.

"I became a complaining person."

This blog has been a few weeks in the making. I actually meant to write it as soon as I got back from my church's women's retreat, but then life took over and I didn't do until now.

I went up to retreat on a scholarship...I went up without having to pay for the gas to get there because I carpooled. I didn't bring any cash with me...we're in the financial program I've talked about before, and since my meals were included in my scholarship, Chris didn't really think I needed to take any extra money. Note how "Chris" didn't really think I needed it...

The friend who was so graciously taking me up there stopped to get something to eat on the way up. It was at Subway, a place I normally wouldn't be able to get much at anyway, and I'd already eaten a full dinner before I came. But the smell of the bread brought on the Pavlovian effect it usually does, and my heart was bitter with my husband for not giving me any cash to buy whatever with. And I'm pretty sure I mentioned this to my gracious friend while she and her sister ate.

Then the topic of coffee cards came up for discussion. Coffee cards go with the small coffee bar that is located at the retreat center, and husbands or friends can purchase them for someone going to retreat before hand. If you know me, you know my love for coffee, and I became embittered again as I KNEW there would be no coffee cards waiting there for me, and I would have no money to purchase them.

We got to the retreat center late that night. We got all of our stuff put away, including the stuff that had been waiting for us when we got there. We had a pretty fun night of games, but I was tired and went to bed early (or at least, early for retreat). The earplugs they provided worked very well and I woke up quite refreshed.

As I was getting ready that morning, another friend asked me if I wanted her to get me some coffee. I was determined not to be whiney, so I said no. Apparently my whininess extended from my heart into my tone of voice, because she asked if I had any coffee cards. I said no. So then she asked if I had check the pad of paper I'd been given when I'd first arrived at retreat...I hadn't. She told me that if someone had given me one, it would be in there, but if I didn't have one, she would buy me one. She was so nice about it, but I declined. I knew that there would be coffee in the dining hall at breakfast and I was starting to feel like a schmuck. After she left to go down and get coffee, and sprinted over to my bag and checked my pad of paper...Lo and behold, someone had anonymously bought me a coffee card, and there it was! I was so humbled, and I quickly offered a word of thanks to God .

After breakfast, we went up for our second session with our speaker. I had missed the first session because we had arrived after it had finished, but was intrigued by the title of this session. Something about, "Manna again, Lord?" It was worded better than that, but I knew enough of the story to have my heartstrings tugged a little bit.

We had wonderful worship in song, and then we moved onto the message. I would quote it word for word, but sufficeth to say it was on complaining, and how we as Christians are currently modeling what the Israelites did in the desert when God was bringing them to the promised land. He was consistently providing for their NEEDS, and they consistently complained about their WANTS. And our speaker uttered one phrase that really struck my heart: "I became a complaining person." Holy cow, was I convicted...I could have spoken the words myself and they would have been perfectly true. She talked about how entitled most people in the church feel, and how we complain when all the things we feel entitled to don't happen.

We have a wonderful opportunity for quiet time with God, and this retreat is up in McCall so I took my time outside. It was a GORGEOUS day. I mean gorgeous. McCall is up in the woods, and we were at this beautiful camp that was covered in snow, but it was not too cold and was very sunny. So I sat outside in the sun, and went through the questions our speaker had asked us to ponder. One of the first ones asked what things we felt entitled to.

I wrote a few things down, and then a few more, and pretty soon my list of things I felt entitled to took up several pages. I felt entitled to be able to have and spend as much money as I wanted to when I wanted to, especially as it concerned food and clothing. I felt entitled to have normal, well-behaved children. I felt entitled to be respected. I felt entitled to have Chris do most of the work, and yet for him to expect very little of me, even though he is the one who works three jobs. I felt entitled to have a perfect marriage. I felt entitled to come home to a perfectly clean house with all the yardwork done and have my children and husband completely joyful at my return...

Is the list starting to sound ridiculous? It certainly did as I wrote them down. But I realized that while they sounded ridiculous on paper, they had been part of my thinking for years. And if anything I felt entitled to didn't happen, I complained about them. And I complained loudly, and very often, especially at home and at work.

And this was my witness? This was my cry to the world on how Christ was working in my life?

The next question asked which of the entitlements I had listed were things I felt God asking me to surrender. That was easy...all of them. So I took my list and went for a walk on the snow covered field. It was even warmer out there, with the sun reflecting off of the snow. I spread my arms out wide and began giving my entitlements over God. One of the things that our speaker had mentioned was having our hearts changed so that when our first physical inclination was to complain, we should instead replace it with reminding God of our trust in Him. As I walked around the field, I kept whispering, "I trust you, Lord. I trust you." And I gave Him back my boys, who I'd felt entitled to be healthy and normal. And I gave Him back my marriage, knowing that he had a plan far better than my own. And I gave Him back my husband and praised Him for the transformation I have seen in him, and how wonderful he is. I kept giving things up, and God replaced them with peace and thanksgiving in my heart. IT WAS WONDERFUL, and it was so freeing. I began to see how much I had to be thankful for, and how consistently God provides for our every need..and our wants sometimes too. :)

The rest of the weekend was fantastic, and God showed His power time and time again. Coming back down, I felt like a brand new person.

It has been three weeks since retreat. My time since retreat has gone back and forth, depending on the choice I make in how to react to situations. I am still placing my trust in God, knowing that He has provided for us in everything so far, and that He will continue to do so. I am so thankful for everything He has given me, and am continuing to pray that Christ will live through me.