That's the most creative title I could come up with. Sorry. :)
This week has been...interesting. I've had a wide range of emotions, some good, some a little discouraging. But I've ended my week feeling positive, and reminded of how much in my life really just depends on my reaction to it.
Andrew got his first progress report. It was very cute. I know that reports aren't usually cute, but his was. He is on target to complete all his goals by the end of the year. Woo-hoo!
I've been hit with how quickly this sweet time in my kids' lives is passing. This wasn't simply something I thought up on my own, of course. I had two or three random people mention to me how they wish they could go back to this time in their own children's lives, when our presence as parents is still welcome and even sought after.
I think I'd like to go on an adventure with my family. It probably couldn't be real far away, or for real long...but still.
And apparently that is all I have to say. :)
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Guilty Mother Syndrome
So that was the title of the blog I wrote at 4:30 am.
I pulled the blog at 6:45 this morning.
I write pretty well at that time of day, but I also tend to write to deep, too openly, too painfully. It was a very painful blog, one that took a harsh look at myself and the struggles that I still face.
Of course, if you've read my other posts, they can often be that way anyway.
But this one was too many of those things, and putting into writing that is published on the Internet was too much even for me.
So I will write a blog later that gives a better of look of how I am feeling that includes the discretion that even I feel is important when it comes to blogs. :)
Have a wonderful weekend.
I pulled the blog at 6:45 this morning.
I write pretty well at that time of day, but I also tend to write to deep, too openly, too painfully. It was a very painful blog, one that took a harsh look at myself and the struggles that I still face.
Of course, if you've read my other posts, they can often be that way anyway.
But this one was too many of those things, and putting into writing that is published on the Internet was too much even for me.
So I will write a blog later that gives a better of look of how I am feeling that includes the discretion that even I feel is important when it comes to blogs. :)
Have a wonderful weekend.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Medical Mystery Tour
Get it? Like the Magical Mystery Tour? Beatles? Anyone? Okay.
So Jeffy has still not been walking, and drags his left leg around pretty much all the time when he crawls. I e-mailed his rheumatologist to let him know that despite 30 days of steroids, Jeffy had not improved. He immediately e-mailed back and said he wanted to see Jeffy ASAP. So we got him in for today.
Sunday morning, Jeffy woke up with both eyes swollen, a fever, and a rash across his nose. All things that can be linked to autoimmune stuff. His eyes got worse over the next two days, and this morning, his left eye was nearly swollen shut. Weird, weird stuff.
So I took him to the doctor, and realized on my way there that the time that had opened up was the exact time of the inauguration. Whatever you voted, I'm sure most would agree that the inauguration today was of huge historical importance, and since I actually voted for now President Obama, I was very sad to have to miss it.
Regardless, I took him in, and our very concerned rheumatologist ordered more bloodwork, another specialist appointment (someone new), and another appointment with our pediatrician to rule out other possible infections.
So we're waiting for the results of the blood work (which, by the way, was a harrowing experience in which the phlebotomist searched with the needle INSIDE Jeffy's arm for one entire minute before actually finding the pain...BRUTAL...AWFUL...still makes me sick), which will hopefully help us figure out why he's not getting better.
In the meantime, our dear boy is very smiley, although very piratey looking with his one eye.
Our insurance has been giving us a few fits as well, and a technicality prevented us from automatically continuing with Medicaid as a supplemental insurance. This is a big deal for all of Andrew's developmental stuff as well as Jeffy's past, current and future medical issues. Hopefully our reapplication will go through without a hitch.
I am still having the chest and arm pains that sent me to the ER, but don't know what to do about it besides take my Advil as needed. It's kind of a pain (literally), but I'm glad it's not an actual big deal.
Chris got his exercise that he's been wanting and has been faithfully riding about 6 miles a day, although he researched it today and realized that he might have to make some additional changes to his life to make the changes to his body he wants.
I am just over feeling overwhelmed. I got hit with a huge wave of it today. It may hit me again later, but for now, it's okay.
Andrew is looking on the remote and identifying the numbers on it. What a smart boy!
Kadee Joy is "working" with a wrench. She's just turning it around and around, and explaining to me what job she is doing. She's so funny.
I'm starting to get random, so I'd better finish. One of these days, I'm going to post a cheesy blog that tells about how wonderful everyone is doing, feeling, etc....What a great day that will be!
So Jeffy has still not been walking, and drags his left leg around pretty much all the time when he crawls. I e-mailed his rheumatologist to let him know that despite 30 days of steroids, Jeffy had not improved. He immediately e-mailed back and said he wanted to see Jeffy ASAP. So we got him in for today.
Sunday morning, Jeffy woke up with both eyes swollen, a fever, and a rash across his nose. All things that can be linked to autoimmune stuff. His eyes got worse over the next two days, and this morning, his left eye was nearly swollen shut. Weird, weird stuff.
So I took him to the doctor, and realized on my way there that the time that had opened up was the exact time of the inauguration. Whatever you voted, I'm sure most would agree that the inauguration today was of huge historical importance, and since I actually voted for now President Obama, I was very sad to have to miss it.
Regardless, I took him in, and our very concerned rheumatologist ordered more bloodwork, another specialist appointment (someone new), and another appointment with our pediatrician to rule out other possible infections.
So we're waiting for the results of the blood work (which, by the way, was a harrowing experience in which the phlebotomist searched with the needle INSIDE Jeffy's arm for one entire minute before actually finding the pain...BRUTAL...AWFUL...still makes me sick), which will hopefully help us figure out why he's not getting better.
In the meantime, our dear boy is very smiley, although very piratey looking with his one eye.
Our insurance has been giving us a few fits as well, and a technicality prevented us from automatically continuing with Medicaid as a supplemental insurance. This is a big deal for all of Andrew's developmental stuff as well as Jeffy's past, current and future medical issues. Hopefully our reapplication will go through without a hitch.
I am still having the chest and arm pains that sent me to the ER, but don't know what to do about it besides take my Advil as needed. It's kind of a pain (literally), but I'm glad it's not an actual big deal.
Chris got his exercise that he's been wanting and has been faithfully riding about 6 miles a day, although he researched it today and realized that he might have to make some additional changes to his life to make the changes to his body he wants.
I am just over feeling overwhelmed. I got hit with a huge wave of it today. It may hit me again later, but for now, it's okay.
Andrew is looking on the remote and identifying the numbers on it. What a smart boy!
Kadee Joy is "working" with a wrench. She's just turning it around and around, and explaining to me what job she is doing. She's so funny.
I'm starting to get random, so I'd better finish. One of these days, I'm going to post a cheesy blog that tells about how wonderful everyone is doing, feeling, etc....What a great day that will be!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Not again
So last year I had two ambulance rides from my school. Once was for falling on the ice in the parking lot (they thought I had concussion), and the other was for herniating my L5 while picking up a clipboard off the ground. So, at the end of 2008, I jokingly told my school secretary that I was excited for no ambulance rides in 2009!
And that's where I should have kept my mouth shut. It seems like lately, if I joke about anything, or act as though life is going smoothly, the recently laid rug gets pulled out again.
I was sitting at my desk today, sipping on my coffee, and enjoying the few minutes of peace and quiet in between my 1st grade class and my 4th grade class when I felt as though someone had reached inside my body, grabbed my heart, and squeezed tight around it. Shooting pains started to race down my left arm, and I started sweating, and had difficulty breathing. Being the ridiculous person I am, I looked up "chest pains" on the Internet, wondering if I should tell anyone about it. It lasted about 3 minutes before I decided that I might want to talk with my school nurse. So, heart and left arm still in a great deal of pain, I walked down to the office and asked to see our school nurse. She immediately had me lay down, took my blood pressure, which was quite high (for me), and found my pulse to be quite high too. I could actually hear and feel my heart pounding, which was quite unsettling.
So, yet again, my school had to call for an ambulance to come and take me to the hospital. Once in the ambulance, the EMT's tried to get an IV started in me so that they could start some nitroglycerin so that my veins would dilate, and so they could check some things out. 4 pokes later, no IV...they said my veins were "interesting." They also couldn't get a good read on one of the tests in my heart, which was somewhat concerning to them.
Once we got to St. Luke's, I was wheeled right into a room, where a nurse and doctor both appeared within minutes. They don't mess around with potential heart problems. My nurse had blood drawn and an IV started within a few minutes, and my doc ordered X-Rays and blood work. My chest pains had started to recede, although my left arm was still hurting.
Luckily, thankfully, I had not had a heart attack. Instead, I was diagnosed with inflammation of the chest (the inside :) and of my arm. With there still being some lingering pain, my doctor put me on some very, very strong pain medication.
If you know anything about any of my hospital experiences, you will know that pain medication is always a touchy subject. I have yet to find one that leaves me a sane person. Today was no different. Apparently as soon as the stuff kicked in (within a matter of seconds) I started to ask the same questions repeatedly, and then tried to tell Chris many secrets, including something about his birthday surprise. He was with it enough to insist that I not tell him anything about it, and patiently answered my questions, no matter how many times I asked them.
I was so glad Chris got there to meet me. I fell into tears many times on the ambulance ride over, sometimes in fear of what was happening, but also in grief as I remembered my dad, and the time I had to convince him to put the oxygen tube back in his nose just a day or two before he died.
My administrator Lynnie drove over to meet me too. I cannot begin to say what a great administrator I have. The docs and nurses were all amazed that a principal would actually take the time out of her day to come and be with me in the hospital. She welcomed me back to Nampa by offering me a job, has been praying for me for many years, and has always come to the hospital during my many stays. ;) I am so fortunate to call her both boss and friend.
And then of course there is my dear husband, who has taken care of me today from the moment he got to the hospital, and is still taking care of me. Some husbands get frustrated when their wives get sick...mine is so good to me, and I am so lucky to have him.
So the plan is to try and take things low-key, although I'm planning on going to work tomorrow, since writing lesson plans would cause more stress than just showing up. Hopefully the kids will be nice to me. :) And hopefully the inflammation dies down soon...the pain is still a little intense at time.
And thank you to those who prayed for me. Your prayers are your best gifts to me and my family.
And now, to bed. Thank you Lord for the gift of life. May I serve You with that in mind each day.
And that's where I should have kept my mouth shut. It seems like lately, if I joke about anything, or act as though life is going smoothly, the recently laid rug gets pulled out again.
I was sitting at my desk today, sipping on my coffee, and enjoying the few minutes of peace and quiet in between my 1st grade class and my 4th grade class when I felt as though someone had reached inside my body, grabbed my heart, and squeezed tight around it. Shooting pains started to race down my left arm, and I started sweating, and had difficulty breathing. Being the ridiculous person I am, I looked up "chest pains" on the Internet, wondering if I should tell anyone about it. It lasted about 3 minutes before I decided that I might want to talk with my school nurse. So, heart and left arm still in a great deal of pain, I walked down to the office and asked to see our school nurse. She immediately had me lay down, took my blood pressure, which was quite high (for me), and found my pulse to be quite high too. I could actually hear and feel my heart pounding, which was quite unsettling.
So, yet again, my school had to call for an ambulance to come and take me to the hospital. Once in the ambulance, the EMT's tried to get an IV started in me so that they could start some nitroglycerin so that my veins would dilate, and so they could check some things out. 4 pokes later, no IV...they said my veins were "interesting." They also couldn't get a good read on one of the tests in my heart, which was somewhat concerning to them.
Once we got to St. Luke's, I was wheeled right into a room, where a nurse and doctor both appeared within minutes. They don't mess around with potential heart problems. My nurse had blood drawn and an IV started within a few minutes, and my doc ordered X-Rays and blood work. My chest pains had started to recede, although my left arm was still hurting.
Luckily, thankfully, I had not had a heart attack. Instead, I was diagnosed with inflammation of the chest (the inside :) and of my arm. With there still being some lingering pain, my doctor put me on some very, very strong pain medication.
If you know anything about any of my hospital experiences, you will know that pain medication is always a touchy subject. I have yet to find one that leaves me a sane person. Today was no different. Apparently as soon as the stuff kicked in (within a matter of seconds) I started to ask the same questions repeatedly, and then tried to tell Chris many secrets, including something about his birthday surprise. He was with it enough to insist that I not tell him anything about it, and patiently answered my questions, no matter how many times I asked them.
I was so glad Chris got there to meet me. I fell into tears many times on the ambulance ride over, sometimes in fear of what was happening, but also in grief as I remembered my dad, and the time I had to convince him to put the oxygen tube back in his nose just a day or two before he died.
My administrator Lynnie drove over to meet me too. I cannot begin to say what a great administrator I have. The docs and nurses were all amazed that a principal would actually take the time out of her day to come and be with me in the hospital. She welcomed me back to Nampa by offering me a job, has been praying for me for many years, and has always come to the hospital during my many stays. ;) I am so fortunate to call her both boss and friend.
And then of course there is my dear husband, who has taken care of me today from the moment he got to the hospital, and is still taking care of me. Some husbands get frustrated when their wives get sick...mine is so good to me, and I am so lucky to have him.
So the plan is to try and take things low-key, although I'm planning on going to work tomorrow, since writing lesson plans would cause more stress than just showing up. Hopefully the kids will be nice to me. :) And hopefully the inflammation dies down soon...the pain is still a little intense at time.
And thank you to those who prayed for me. Your prayers are your best gifts to me and my family.
And now, to bed. Thank you Lord for the gift of life. May I serve You with that in mind each day.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Best and Worst of 2008 (with grateful appreciation to Kara Franklin)
Now realize these may have come out years before...I just didn't experience them or really get into them until 2008
Now realize these may have come out years before...I just didn't experience them or really get into them until 2008
- Book(s) - Best: The Harry Potter Series. I'd never read a single one before this summer, and then read them all in a matter of two weeks. Don't judge them until you've read them! Worst: The Children of Hurin. Awful, depressing. Good writing of course (it's Tolkien), but makes you kind of want to shoot yourself.
- Movie -Best: The Jane Austen Book Club, Worst: Definitely, Maybe
- Song - Best: In Christ Alone (worship song), Worst: Probably something I had to teach my kindergartners. Some of their songs are lame-o
- Memory - This might not be the "best", but having my son go through major surgery. Second honeymoon to Texas would definitely be the best. Worst: Having someone ask my son Andrew point blank if he was stupid and just pretending to be deaf.
- Something new I've started - Best: publicly blogging and dying my hair. Worst: Spending a lot on getting my hair done
- Quote - Best:"Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Worst: "You can't help who you love"
- TV show -Best: The News (I'm a nerd) Worst: Survivor (China)
- New artist - I'm more into old artists. :) But I do like my artist at Studio D who does my hair :)
- Presidential vote - Barack Obama
- Person -Best: My husband, Worst: me, at times
- Place - Best: Corpus Christi, Texas or the Starbucks down the street, Worst: Target...okay it's the best, but I spend so much money there!
- Something I'm proud of -Making it through the year feeling that I firmly rested on the strength and wisdom of God
- Something I wish I could go back and do differently-Be more on top of my finances
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Doing and being
I feel completely differently about 2009 than I did about 2008. For 2008, I made no resolutions. Not one. I didn't even think about it.
2008 was simply a year when I let whatever was going to happen...happen. Life was such a roller coaster leading up to January of last year that I didn't really even consider trying to break out of what was about to come. I just prayed for the strength to be able to handle it, and for God's will to be done.
I don't think that was a bad perspective. Looking back on the year, I don't think there was really any other way to handle it. There was nothing I was going to be able to do to keep my sons from being diagnosed with their various things. Metaphorically, the water had been at or above my head for quite a while. I wasn't going to do anything that would potentially add more.
January of 2009, on the other hand, has simply been a time for me to think about what I want to do to better myself and my family's situation, and a time for setting goals to accomplish that. I'm much more optimistic about 2009 and what exciting things are going to happen, rather than simply bracing myself for the difficulties I knew would ultimately come.
I've never been much for resolutions, but God has been clearly pointing out areas in my life that need to be changed. Attitudes, perspectives, habits...
So I'm excited for this New Year. I feel newly rejuvenated and motivated. Andrew is making huge gains, and I can't wait to see what he is able to do by January of 2010. My beautiful little girl will be starting kindergarten this year! I'm excited for the opportunities of learning and social interaction that school will afford her.
Jeffy, I am determined, will learn to walk and talk in 2009. It may not be when I want him to (that would have been a few months ago) but through whatever means we need to do whether it's therapy or what have you, he'll be able to do those things. And I will get to know my little boy even better.
Chris and I have moved into an area past just healing and now into full-on growth. I'm excited for what God is going to teach me through my marriage. We're teaching a new Sunday School class that has opened up so many doors of discussion and spiritual growth. Thank you Lord for that opportunity! But with all that, I know that I can be a much better wife and friend to my husband. God, please help me to look to You as the source of my hope and strength, so that I may in turn be able to give more to my husband, rather than looking to him to provide those things instead.
And I'm going to turn 30 this year. What in the world? When did that happen? But what a great wakeup call. Life will pass us by so quickly.
I want to be an excellent teacher. Not just a good teacher, but an excellent one. In some cases, I see these kids for only a few weeks before they're uprooted to another school. Lord, let your light shine through me so that in some miraculous way, they can be pointed ever closer to You.
I want to be a colleague that is encouraging, affirming, but who can also be constructively honest. I've been reworking conversations over and over in my head. I don't have it all figured out, and I think sometimes I try to come across as though I do. I have had several moments of humility come upon me because of my sometimes know-it-all-ish attitude. Lord, help me to be more like you.
I want to be a good friend. I tend to be a person that may know a lot of people through various situations, but keeps my real friends to a smaller number. There are many things I think of doing for people, but generally tend to just let them go by the wayside as I continue to focus on me. I am praying that my eyes will not only be opened to the ways I can love my friends, but that I will also be provided with the motivation to follow through.
And spiritually, I am determined to allow enough silence in my life to let God tell me what He actually wants me to focus on, which of course might rule out a bunch of goals I've just set. :)Lord, please show me the path you would have me follow each day. Help me to learn from the past, but not to dwell on it...and to build a home for my children and husband that enables us to look to the future with glad expectation while enjoying the delights of each present day.
I have not attained all that I can, and certainly have much to learn. But I am excited for what this year brings. Thank you Lord for bringing us to this point.
2008 was simply a year when I let whatever was going to happen...happen. Life was such a roller coaster leading up to January of last year that I didn't really even consider trying to break out of what was about to come. I just prayed for the strength to be able to handle it, and for God's will to be done.
I don't think that was a bad perspective. Looking back on the year, I don't think there was really any other way to handle it. There was nothing I was going to be able to do to keep my sons from being diagnosed with their various things. Metaphorically, the water had been at or above my head for quite a while. I wasn't going to do anything that would potentially add more.
January of 2009, on the other hand, has simply been a time for me to think about what I want to do to better myself and my family's situation, and a time for setting goals to accomplish that. I'm much more optimistic about 2009 and what exciting things are going to happen, rather than simply bracing myself for the difficulties I knew would ultimately come.
I've never been much for resolutions, but God has been clearly pointing out areas in my life that need to be changed. Attitudes, perspectives, habits...
So I'm excited for this New Year. I feel newly rejuvenated and motivated. Andrew is making huge gains, and I can't wait to see what he is able to do by January of 2010. My beautiful little girl will be starting kindergarten this year! I'm excited for the opportunities of learning and social interaction that school will afford her.
Jeffy, I am determined, will learn to walk and talk in 2009. It may not be when I want him to (that would have been a few months ago) but through whatever means we need to do whether it's therapy or what have you, he'll be able to do those things. And I will get to know my little boy even better.
Chris and I have moved into an area past just healing and now into full-on growth. I'm excited for what God is going to teach me through my marriage. We're teaching a new Sunday School class that has opened up so many doors of discussion and spiritual growth. Thank you Lord for that opportunity! But with all that, I know that I can be a much better wife and friend to my husband. God, please help me to look to You as the source of my hope and strength, so that I may in turn be able to give more to my husband, rather than looking to him to provide those things instead.
And I'm going to turn 30 this year. What in the world? When did that happen? But what a great wakeup call. Life will pass us by so quickly.
I want to be an excellent teacher. Not just a good teacher, but an excellent one. In some cases, I see these kids for only a few weeks before they're uprooted to another school. Lord, let your light shine through me so that in some miraculous way, they can be pointed ever closer to You.
I want to be a colleague that is encouraging, affirming, but who can also be constructively honest. I've been reworking conversations over and over in my head. I don't have it all figured out, and I think sometimes I try to come across as though I do. I have had several moments of humility come upon me because of my sometimes know-it-all-ish attitude. Lord, help me to be more like you.
I want to be a good friend. I tend to be a person that may know a lot of people through various situations, but keeps my real friends to a smaller number. There are many things I think of doing for people, but generally tend to just let them go by the wayside as I continue to focus on me. I am praying that my eyes will not only be opened to the ways I can love my friends, but that I will also be provided with the motivation to follow through.
And spiritually, I am determined to allow enough silence in my life to let God tell me what He actually wants me to focus on, which of course might rule out a bunch of goals I've just set. :)Lord, please show me the path you would have me follow each day. Help me to learn from the past, but not to dwell on it...and to build a home for my children and husband that enables us to look to the future with glad expectation while enjoying the delights of each present day.
I have not attained all that I can, and certainly have much to learn. But I am excited for what this year brings. Thank you Lord for bringing us to this point.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Then end of 2008
What a year! After 2007, I expected 2008 to be a breeze...although even with the challenges we've faced, I would definitely still do 2008 over 2007 any day. 2007 sucked. :)
January: On the 23rd, Jeffy was diagnosed with metopic craniosynostis, and Andrew was diagnosed with autism. I still can't believe we did both of those appointments in one day.
February: Jeffy had his ridiculous skull/brain surgery to fix the early fusing of his skull. I remember the tears that came as I passed my little guy off to the surgeons. Healing came quickly after surgery, and he looks fantastic.
March: I think that was an "easy" month? :)
April: I bent down to pick up a clipboard off of my classroom floor and herniated my L5. Ouch! Luckily, my fifth graders were good enough to get help. That was my second ambulance ride of 2008. :)
May: I pretty well finished up my last month of my first year at Iowa Elementary. It was not the easiest of years, but I was definitely blessed to be able to get a job at the school. Great teachers, great staff, great kids.
June: Second honeymoon to Texas! Even better than our first honeymoon.
July: A trip to the Oregon coast, and the celebration of my daughter's 4th birthday.
August: My son Jeff and I celebrated our birthdays on August 8, along with my twin sister. My 7th anniversary hit a few days later, and I am so glad we were able to celebrate it with so much joy. First ever family camping trip at Wallowa Lake..what a blast! And then, the start of my second year at Iowa Elementary. A much smoother start, a much better year so far.
September: Kadee Joy started ballet, and has been so fun to watch as she continues to improve.
October, November: Good months, and Andrew started preschool in November after turning three years old. What a blessing to have him get right into to a great school that he LOVES. We had a visit from my brother and sister-in-law as well, which was fantastic.
December: Jeffy diagnosed with reactive arthritis. He is now responding to the steroids, and is (hopefully) getting closer to walking. We had visits from two different sets of grandmas and one grandpa, and are now getting ready to have some friends over for New Year's Eve.
Thank you Lord for your protection during this year. Thank you for the strength you provide us in times of doubt or fear. And thank you Lord for the plans you have for our lives...So much better than any we could hope for.
May we be used for your good purpose in the coming year.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Strength
First off...thank you all for the comments. I never quite know if I'm supposed to respond to them, but I do appreciate them. So many of your blogs are such an encouragement to me.
And now, for this one...
About two years ago I received the clearest calling from God I have ever received in my life. My marriage had disintegrated, my mind was in turmoil, and I was sick every morning with the nausea that accompanied my third pregnancy.
God called me in that moment to keep going with my marriage. Literally everything about the situation was calling me to give in. Everything. There were so many times when I just wanted to end it, feeling that if I ended it I would also end the pain that met me nearly every moment of every day.
In spite of this temptation to just be done, with the strength of God and the knowledge of his calling on my life, I kept going. And eventually, after much, much waiting, God showed me why He had called me to stick with it. Chris and I found a reconciliation, a resurrection, and a new calling in our redeemed marriage.
I've written about this experience before, but today God struck me with a new truth. The calling is not over. There are still days, weeks when it feels like the easiest thing to do would just not be to work on my marriage; days when I feel that things are just getting too hard, or days when ghosts of the past rear their ugly heads long enough to make me doubt this calling.
But God's calling in our lives is always going to be fought by the temptations in this life for a quick fix. Ending my pain by ending my marriage, or worse, my life, was a temptation that I know I am not alone in feeling. But of course, the truth of the matter is that it would not have ended my pain, or made life easier...the price Satan exacts for the sin he brings you into is your ultimate destruction and death, and with a far greater amount of pain, for both you and the people around you.
I guess I'm just reminded that we each have a calling on our life, one placed by God, and one that will sometimes seem harder than it should be and its' importance blurred by the constant distractions and issues of life. But I amazed at how knowing what my calling was and is helped me to continue the journey, even when light or hope was unable to be seen or felt. My calling has taken me to places I had not imagined, and never would have been able to do without going on the journey I've been on. I always have to suppress a smile when people arrogantly say that they would never be or put themselves into certain situations. God knows us so much better than we know ourselves, and has an ultimate plan for our lives that is generally far outside of our small realm of thinking.
And in my life, God has used the past and present hardships to grow me, painful though it is sometimes, and to help me draw closer to Him.
God, grant me the strength and vision to continue in Your calling on my life.
And now, for this one...
About two years ago I received the clearest calling from God I have ever received in my life. My marriage had disintegrated, my mind was in turmoil, and I was sick every morning with the nausea that accompanied my third pregnancy.
God called me in that moment to keep going with my marriage. Literally everything about the situation was calling me to give in. Everything. There were so many times when I just wanted to end it, feeling that if I ended it I would also end the pain that met me nearly every moment of every day.
In spite of this temptation to just be done, with the strength of God and the knowledge of his calling on my life, I kept going. And eventually, after much, much waiting, God showed me why He had called me to stick with it. Chris and I found a reconciliation, a resurrection, and a new calling in our redeemed marriage.
I've written about this experience before, but today God struck me with a new truth. The calling is not over. There are still days, weeks when it feels like the easiest thing to do would just not be to work on my marriage; days when I feel that things are just getting too hard, or days when ghosts of the past rear their ugly heads long enough to make me doubt this calling.
But God's calling in our lives is always going to be fought by the temptations in this life for a quick fix. Ending my pain by ending my marriage, or worse, my life, was a temptation that I know I am not alone in feeling. But of course, the truth of the matter is that it would not have ended my pain, or made life easier...the price Satan exacts for the sin he brings you into is your ultimate destruction and death, and with a far greater amount of pain, for both you and the people around you.
I guess I'm just reminded that we each have a calling on our life, one placed by God, and one that will sometimes seem harder than it should be and its' importance blurred by the constant distractions and issues of life. But I amazed at how knowing what my calling was and is helped me to continue the journey, even when light or hope was unable to be seen or felt. My calling has taken me to places I had not imagined, and never would have been able to do without going on the journey I've been on. I always have to suppress a smile when people arrogantly say that they would never be or put themselves into certain situations. God knows us so much better than we know ourselves, and has an ultimate plan for our lives that is generally far outside of our small realm of thinking.
And in my life, God has used the past and present hardships to grow me, painful though it is sometimes, and to help me draw closer to Him.
God, grant me the strength and vision to continue in Your calling on my life.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
It has a name
Today, our rheumatologist diagnosed Jeffy with Reiter's syndrome, or reactive arthritis. It doesn't normally hit kids this young...but apparently that is what it is. He found the arthritis in Jeffy's ankles. Reactive arthritis can hit a variety of places, and is technically a chronic autoimmune disease. But the stats on it are pretty promising. About half the people who are diagnosed with it don't ever have another episode again after they've been healed. But I should say that I know very little about it, having only heard of it four hours ago. And our son has it.
So we start steroids tonight, which should heal him from his current attack. Thank you for your prayers, particularly in that we would find the source of Jeffy's pain. It has been found, and we will do what we need to do to get him healed.
So we start steroids tonight, which should heal him from his current attack. Thank you for your prayers, particularly in that we would find the source of Jeffy's pain. It has been found, and we will do what we need to do to get him healed.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
The Rudder of a Ship
Anyone else been having trouble with their mouths lately? Mine has been sailing me into rough waters. With the same mouth that tells my husband I love him, I also manage to tell him hundreds of little, tiny criticisms or complaints that just steadily steer me into storms.
If you know Chris Tiner at all, you probably know many of his strengths. If not, let me tell you about them. ;)
I first met Chris at NNU, although he first saw me before he ever became a student there. He was the loudest, most talkative person I had ever met. I stood next to him in Northwesterners, and I had no idea what to do with him. He would poke me in the ribs all the time, and as most of you probably know, the man has no bubble. I think the poking was a physical attempt to pop my very large personal space bubble.
One of the things that amazes me so much about my husband is his perserverance. Once he finds something he wants, he pursues it wholeheartedly. I found myself on the receiving end of this pursuit once he decided that I was the one for him. At one of our rehearsals, he asked me out nine times. And I said no every single time except for the last when, out of exasperation, I realized it would be the only way to get him to stop. Did I secretly love the pursuit? Of course. :)
He didn't make it to the first date before finding a different way into my heart. He came over to "study" with my sister for a religion class they were taking, but they never got there. He'd brought his guitar and played for me instead. After that, we were inseperable. Apparently we shocked the campus with the mixture of our personalities. It's funny to me now that Chris and I were such an odd pair. I mean, we still are in a lot of ways, but now I can't imagine my life without him.
Chris is an extremely talented man, and I got a recent reminder of that. I was at a ladies night out at my church doing one of the season's many gift exchanges when all of a sudden "Silent Night" broke into the air. Listening, I honestly thought it was a recording. But, oh no...it was my husband with his quartet. He came in with his folder in hand and sang in his beautiful bass voice. While he was singing, I beamed with pride (I think I beam?), and was amazed that this man was my husband, and that I actually got to take him home with me.
He leads worship at our church, and uses his gifts of music and words wonderfully well. Getting people comfortable around me is not easy...for Chris it is as natural as breathing. He has such a wonderful way of finding things in common with other people, and with humor gets them to feel welcome. His hugs are constant, and his teasing rarely fails to put a smile on people's faces.
Chris and I have never had an easy marriage, mainly due to the huge differences in our personalities and mode of communication. But I love the fact that our differences bring about such positive sharpening of the other person. Chris has opened my eyes to so many different worlds, is always looking for ways of showing me that he loves me, and is such a comfort to me in difficult times.
He is a WONDERFUL dad. And if you've ever seen him with our dear Andrew, you'll realize just what an amazing person he is. He stays at home with our kids so that Andrew has the best chance at this life, of getting the help that he needs. I may joke about Chris having a big head, but finding a man with the humility to stay at home and take care of the kids and house is a rarity, and I am lucky enough to be married to one.
We have had our deep valleys. There was a time when I was quite certain we were done. But the thing that I have grown to love most about my husband is his love for his Lord. In the darkest, deepest pit, he saw God's path for him, and with his perserverant heart climbed out of the pit to get back onto God's path. He has not turned back, and he continues to press on, even though the chains of the past frequently seek to try and hold him back. And sometimes, sadly, I am the one bringing the chains. I praise God for protecting Chris, and for giving him the strength that he has needed to continue on this road of peace.
Right now he's out on a body call...Not a booty call :)...a body call. At night, he is on call for a funeral home, and when he gets a call, he goes to houses or hospitals to pick up the body of someone who has died and takes the body to the funeral home. He does this so that he can still stay home with our kids. What an amazing man.
He has never been one to shy away from helping with diapers, he is the cook in our family, and he is the main communicator. I always laugh when people bring up the typical number of words the husband says compared to the typical number of words the wife says. Our numbers are definitely quite the opposite. He has always included me in his discussion of sports, and always lets me know as soon as something tragic, awesome, or anything in the middle has happened to one of his teams, players, or even anyone he thinks I might be interested in. I am lucky in that...he is always trying to include me in the interests of his life.
He is a closet genius. He has a goofy front that he puts out a lot, but underneath this is a man far more intelligent than myself, with a brain that can sort out an amazing range of subjects. He is one of the best spellers I've ever met, dominates at Trivial Pursuit, and can figure out most strategy games within the first few minutes of playing. He is always my competition in games, and generally beats me, although he does so graciously most of the time. His coordination is amazing, and I am always so proud of him when he plays sports, dances, or plays the piano or guitar.
I could go on and on, and the sad thing is, I rarely do. I have always been one of those people who feels that they should compliment rarely so that when one is given, it is taken for great worth. There is a little bit of good in that, but it has kept me from saying so many things that would have been so encouraging to other people, and what help is that?
This holdout has hurt my husband the most. There are SO MANY things that are wonderful about my husband, and most people have rarely heard me comment on any of them. He is an exceptional man, passionate, obviously with some faults, but overwhelmingly with so many strengths. I am blessed to call him my husband, and find myself frustrated constantly with how infrequently I am the one in the right. :) He is wise beyond his years, humble at his core being, and a truly wonderful husband and man of God.
So Lord, teach me how to steer my tongue in the direction of love, encouragement, and thanksgiving. And thank You for this wonderful man I am privileged to call my husband.
If you know Chris Tiner at all, you probably know many of his strengths. If not, let me tell you about them. ;)
I first met Chris at NNU, although he first saw me before he ever became a student there. He was the loudest, most talkative person I had ever met. I stood next to him in Northwesterners, and I had no idea what to do with him. He would poke me in the ribs all the time, and as most of you probably know, the man has no bubble. I think the poking was a physical attempt to pop my very large personal space bubble.
One of the things that amazes me so much about my husband is his perserverance. Once he finds something he wants, he pursues it wholeheartedly. I found myself on the receiving end of this pursuit once he decided that I was the one for him. At one of our rehearsals, he asked me out nine times. And I said no every single time except for the last when, out of exasperation, I realized it would be the only way to get him to stop. Did I secretly love the pursuit? Of course. :)
He didn't make it to the first date before finding a different way into my heart. He came over to "study" with my sister for a religion class they were taking, but they never got there. He'd brought his guitar and played for me instead. After that, we were inseperable. Apparently we shocked the campus with the mixture of our personalities. It's funny to me now that Chris and I were such an odd pair. I mean, we still are in a lot of ways, but now I can't imagine my life without him.
Chris is an extremely talented man, and I got a recent reminder of that. I was at a ladies night out at my church doing one of the season's many gift exchanges when all of a sudden "Silent Night" broke into the air. Listening, I honestly thought it was a recording. But, oh no...it was my husband with his quartet. He came in with his folder in hand and sang in his beautiful bass voice. While he was singing, I beamed with pride (I think I beam?), and was amazed that this man was my husband, and that I actually got to take him home with me.
He leads worship at our church, and uses his gifts of music and words wonderfully well. Getting people comfortable around me is not easy...for Chris it is as natural as breathing. He has such a wonderful way of finding things in common with other people, and with humor gets them to feel welcome. His hugs are constant, and his teasing rarely fails to put a smile on people's faces.
Chris and I have never had an easy marriage, mainly due to the huge differences in our personalities and mode of communication. But I love the fact that our differences bring about such positive sharpening of the other person. Chris has opened my eyes to so many different worlds, is always looking for ways of showing me that he loves me, and is such a comfort to me in difficult times.
He is a WONDERFUL dad. And if you've ever seen him with our dear Andrew, you'll realize just what an amazing person he is. He stays at home with our kids so that Andrew has the best chance at this life, of getting the help that he needs. I may joke about Chris having a big head, but finding a man with the humility to stay at home and take care of the kids and house is a rarity, and I am lucky enough to be married to one.
We have had our deep valleys. There was a time when I was quite certain we were done. But the thing that I have grown to love most about my husband is his love for his Lord. In the darkest, deepest pit, he saw God's path for him, and with his perserverant heart climbed out of the pit to get back onto God's path. He has not turned back, and he continues to press on, even though the chains of the past frequently seek to try and hold him back. And sometimes, sadly, I am the one bringing the chains. I praise God for protecting Chris, and for giving him the strength that he has needed to continue on this road of peace.
Right now he's out on a body call...Not a booty call :)...a body call. At night, he is on call for a funeral home, and when he gets a call, he goes to houses or hospitals to pick up the body of someone who has died and takes the body to the funeral home. He does this so that he can still stay home with our kids. What an amazing man.
He has never been one to shy away from helping with diapers, he is the cook in our family, and he is the main communicator. I always laugh when people bring up the typical number of words the husband says compared to the typical number of words the wife says. Our numbers are definitely quite the opposite. He has always included me in his discussion of sports, and always lets me know as soon as something tragic, awesome, or anything in the middle has happened to one of his teams, players, or even anyone he thinks I might be interested in. I am lucky in that...he is always trying to include me in the interests of his life.
He is a closet genius. He has a goofy front that he puts out a lot, but underneath this is a man far more intelligent than myself, with a brain that can sort out an amazing range of subjects. He is one of the best spellers I've ever met, dominates at Trivial Pursuit, and can figure out most strategy games within the first few minutes of playing. He is always my competition in games, and generally beats me, although he does so graciously most of the time. His coordination is amazing, and I am always so proud of him when he plays sports, dances, or plays the piano or guitar.
I could go on and on, and the sad thing is, I rarely do. I have always been one of those people who feels that they should compliment rarely so that when one is given, it is taken for great worth. There is a little bit of good in that, but it has kept me from saying so many things that would have been so encouraging to other people, and what help is that?
This holdout has hurt my husband the most. There are SO MANY things that are wonderful about my husband, and most people have rarely heard me comment on any of them. He is an exceptional man, passionate, obviously with some faults, but overwhelmingly with so many strengths. I am blessed to call him my husband, and find myself frustrated constantly with how infrequently I am the one in the right. :) He is wise beyond his years, humble at his core being, and a truly wonderful husband and man of God.
So Lord, teach me how to steer my tongue in the direction of love, encouragement, and thanksgiving. And thank You for this wonderful man I am privileged to call my husband.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Jeffy's Pain
The day Thanksgiving Break started was the day Jeffy started acting funny. Just odd, weird, fussy behavior. As the weekend progressed, his fussy behavior was accompanied by slow movement. He wanted to be held all the time, he was waking himself up by crying in the night. There weren't any other symptoms, though, so we didn't really know what to make of it. He then started showing a strained face whenever he had to hold up his neck, or go from a lying down position to a sitting position.
Sunday night, I realized that he didn't seem to be getting any better, so I told Chris he would need to try and get him into the doctor on Monday. The word meningitis had been suggested to me, so with that scary thought, I went to work, and Chris took Jeffy to our pediatrician on Monday. At his appointment, our pediatrician agreed that something was indeed wrong, but was confused by the lack of additional symptoms. So she ordered a slough of blood tests to be done, which Chris immediately took Jeffy to the lab to take care of. Jeffy and Chris came back home, and Jeffy's symptoms got worse. He was soon dragging one of his legs while he crawled, straining to move his head or body in any way...we were puzzled and worried, and had no idea what was wrong with our dear boy. I went to work on Tuesday, still thinking that it just might be meningitis.
It's never good when the pediatrician calls after hours. Our call came at 9:00 pm at night. The blood work results had come in. Jeffy was normal in all tests...but one. His SED (sp?) rate was abnormally high. The SED rate measures the amount of inflammation in the body. Normal is 5. Jeffy had 60. Our pediatrician mentioned two possibilities...arthritis or another type of autoimmune disease. We didn't really know what to make of these...and tried to let the information settle that night. The next day, our pediatrician called the specialists, and determined that Jeff needed to get in to a rheumatologist who deals with children with arthritis. I was a bit persistent with both offices, and was able to get Jeffy an appointment with the specialist for the 18th of December. The rheumatologist was quite insistent that he see Jeffy in two weeks, which apparently is rather rare. The usual wait is quite a bit longer.
Meanwhile, starting on Tuesday, Jeff wasn't able to stand up in his crib...or sit up. Or turn his head. He was crying and we knew he wanted to get up, but he just wasn't able to move. When I would go and get him out of his crib in the morning, his whole face would screw up in pain, and his entire body was rigid with it. I would lay him down on the ground so that he could play and he wouldn't move...at all. He would reach over for toys with his hand, but be unable to turn his head to look for them. We had to take to placing lightweight toys on his chest so the he could feel them, although he was not able to see them since that would involve moving his head down slightly. It was horrible. I've never seen any of my children in such terrible pain. He was on an anti-inflammatory, but about 2 hours before he was able to take his next dose, the medication would wear off and he would go back into the paralyzing stiffness and pain. When I called my doctor about that yesterday morning, she was shocked, and asked for us to come back in this Monday, but also added that he could have Tylenol halfway through the doses of Ibuprofen. This certainly seemed to help. When the pain medication had kicked in, he was totally different. As soon as it started wearing off, the pain was easy to read on Jeffy's face and in his movement.
So naturally, I've been reading up on Juvenile Arthritis, wondering if this could indeed be what is plaguing my son. It's a chronic, lifelong illness that can prey upon the young and can cause debilitating flare-ups that sounded eerily similar to what Jeffy is going through. As I started reading, I started to kick myself as I wondered if this was why Jeffy, at the age of 16 months, was still unable to walk, why he never put pressure back when someone would try to stand him on their laps, why it took him so long to start crawling, why he would sometimes move around with one leg looking as though he was trying to stand, and the other one dragging in the crawling position...I'd always been reassuredby others, and reassured myself that it was because of his skull and brain surgery, and that he was simply behind because of that.
And it still may be. Jeffy woke up this morning in a delightful mood, without the ibuprofen that he's been depending on for the past week. He seems to be moving well, at least well enough to crawl, although he's getting a little slower as the morning goes on. Is this episode over? Is the whole thing over? We'll find out soon enough I guess. For now, I am just so glad that his pain has subsided for the time being. I had forgotten what a happy child he normally is until he woke up this morning in such a good mood. He'd been so sad, so irritable, so full of pain, he had become a different child.
So we'll see what our pediatrician says on Monday.
And, as in all things, we will be put our baby boy back in the arms of his Heavenly Father, who in all things has been his Protector and the Keeper of his life.
Sunday night, I realized that he didn't seem to be getting any better, so I told Chris he would need to try and get him into the doctor on Monday. The word meningitis had been suggested to me, so with that scary thought, I went to work, and Chris took Jeffy to our pediatrician on Monday. At his appointment, our pediatrician agreed that something was indeed wrong, but was confused by the lack of additional symptoms. So she ordered a slough of blood tests to be done, which Chris immediately took Jeffy to the lab to take care of. Jeffy and Chris came back home, and Jeffy's symptoms got worse. He was soon dragging one of his legs while he crawled, straining to move his head or body in any way...we were puzzled and worried, and had no idea what was wrong with our dear boy. I went to work on Tuesday, still thinking that it just might be meningitis.
It's never good when the pediatrician calls after hours. Our call came at 9:00 pm at night. The blood work results had come in. Jeffy was normal in all tests...but one. His SED (sp?) rate was abnormally high. The SED rate measures the amount of inflammation in the body. Normal is 5. Jeffy had 60. Our pediatrician mentioned two possibilities...arthritis or another type of autoimmune disease. We didn't really know what to make of these...and tried to let the information settle that night. The next day, our pediatrician called the specialists, and determined that Jeff needed to get in to a rheumatologist who deals with children with arthritis. I was a bit persistent with both offices, and was able to get Jeffy an appointment with the specialist for the 18th of December. The rheumatologist was quite insistent that he see Jeffy in two weeks, which apparently is rather rare. The usual wait is quite a bit longer.
Meanwhile, starting on Tuesday, Jeff wasn't able to stand up in his crib...or sit up. Or turn his head. He was crying and we knew he wanted to get up, but he just wasn't able to move. When I would go and get him out of his crib in the morning, his whole face would screw up in pain, and his entire body was rigid with it. I would lay him down on the ground so that he could play and he wouldn't move...at all. He would reach over for toys with his hand, but be unable to turn his head to look for them. We had to take to placing lightweight toys on his chest so the he could feel them, although he was not able to see them since that would involve moving his head down slightly. It was horrible. I've never seen any of my children in such terrible pain. He was on an anti-inflammatory, but about 2 hours before he was able to take his next dose, the medication would wear off and he would go back into the paralyzing stiffness and pain. When I called my doctor about that yesterday morning, she was shocked, and asked for us to come back in this Monday, but also added that he could have Tylenol halfway through the doses of Ibuprofen. This certainly seemed to help. When the pain medication had kicked in, he was totally different. As soon as it started wearing off, the pain was easy to read on Jeffy's face and in his movement.
So naturally, I've been reading up on Juvenile Arthritis, wondering if this could indeed be what is plaguing my son. It's a chronic, lifelong illness that can prey upon the young and can cause debilitating flare-ups that sounded eerily similar to what Jeffy is going through. As I started reading, I started to kick myself as I wondered if this was why Jeffy, at the age of 16 months, was still unable to walk, why he never put pressure back when someone would try to stand him on their laps, why it took him so long to start crawling, why he would sometimes move around with one leg looking as though he was trying to stand, and the other one dragging in the crawling position...I'd always been reassuredby others, and reassured myself that it was because of his skull and brain surgery, and that he was simply behind because of that.
And it still may be. Jeffy woke up this morning in a delightful mood, without the ibuprofen that he's been depending on for the past week. He seems to be moving well, at least well enough to crawl, although he's getting a little slower as the morning goes on. Is this episode over? Is the whole thing over? We'll find out soon enough I guess. For now, I am just so glad that his pain has subsided for the time being. I had forgotten what a happy child he normally is until he woke up this morning in such a good mood. He'd been so sad, so irritable, so full of pain, he had become a different child.
So we'll see what our pediatrician says on Monday.
And, as in all things, we will be put our baby boy back in the arms of his Heavenly Father, who in all things has been his Protector and the Keeper of his life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
-
For those of you who don't know, Love INC is a non-profit organization that works with many churches in the Treasure Valley (any many ot...
-
(My mom used to send out a Christmas "newsletter" detailing all of us and our list of accomplishments. I remember one year s...