Jesus Loves Me

Another precious moment with Andrew.

Funny

My husband is a huge High School Musical fan, as are many members of our youth group. I know most of you have probably seen this, but I thought it was hilarious.

Blur

It's been one of those weeks...wait, months?...in which I keep thinking of things that I'd really like to blog about, and then I just don't. So here I am, and I apologize in advance for the kaleidoscope of memories and experiences I am about to jumble.

Chris left for Senior High Camp two weeks ago today. His week there was interesting for a lot of reasons. First of all, I think he had a fantastic time. But more importantly, I know that he was used by God in mighty ways. He gave his full on, all out testimony on Tuesday night, and I am STILL hearing from kids quoting him as they themselves share the struggles that they have had and/or are continuing to have. Confession of sin is such a powerful thing, and true repentance just can't happen until confession has taken place.

We are still seeing amazing things from our youth group. I had the privilege of teaching Sunday School and helping out with senior high youth group while Chris was at camp, and have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it, and it was a reaffirming call on my own life as well. The week of July 6th we'll be at Junior High Camp...Chris is the speaker and I'm the worship-in-song leader. Please pray for us both...stepping back into any form of ministry feels like an emotional land mine, but we have already seen God using our willingness to share our faults, weaknesses and failures for His good purpose.

While Chris was gone, I set up just about the fullest socializing schedule I've had since having kids. It was slightly exhausting, but I had a lot of really fun conversations and time out. And it kept the kids entertained as well. The kids and I got a lot of really precious time, and I realized just how lucky I am to be their mother. It is a daunting task, but holy cow, how rewarding it is.

The day Chris came back, I flew out to Victoria, British Columbia to see my dear twin sister get ordained as an elder in the Church of the Nazarene. We got to spend the next day with my grandma, mom, brother, Matt, Kadee, and their kids in Victoria. I LOVE Victoria. I hadn't been there in 10 years, and it was so much fun. The weather cooperated for the first hour, and then we spent a lot of time darting from warm shop to warm shop. I ate a 9 dollar banana split with my nephews and it was heavenly. After spending most of the afternoon there, we took the ferry back to Vancouver. Aaron and I stayed with Kadee and Matt, and I got the privilege of sleeping in my nephew's high, high bunk bed. I admit, that part was very scary. :)

The next day proved to be the most emotional day of the trip. Aaron and I got to go to the church where Kadee and Matt are both pastors. It is located in the heart of Vancouver, and within walking distance of Kadee and Matt's apartment. It is an incredibly diverse church. I don't know that I've ever been to a more diverse church. Racial lines were literally non-existent...people of Asian, African, European, and Latino descent were all intermingling and sharing their lives and faiths without even blinking. It was fantastic. And I got to see both Kadee and Matt in their pastoral roles, which was also quite awe-inspiring.

And then I saw Jeffrey.

Jeffrey is in his 30's, and is severely autistic. I'd heard about Jeffrey from Kadee many times before. Jeffrey came bounding across the fellowship hall during Kadee's reception with a wide smile on his face. He was jumping, flapping, standing still and checking out the room using his peripheral vision, dancing, and literally exuded joy.

And in that moment, I saw my Andrew. Kadee asked if I wanted to meet Gwen, Jeffrey's mother, and I, who literally will hide to try and avoid meeting strangers, was more eager to meet her than anyone else in my life.

Kadee went into the kitchen and pulled out this beautiful, tiny woman of Indian and Chinese descent. She had a warm smile on her face, and immediately came over with Kadee. I didn't even hear the introduction Kadee gave, I just took Gwen's hand and started bawling. Gwen didn't need any sort of explanation. She kept my hand and started telling me about her own experience, asked about Andrew, and reminded me that while we cannot change our children (they are who they are), we can make fitting in to "our world" as easy for them as we can.

And she KNEW. She KNEW my world. She had suffered a failed marriage because her husband could not handle having a child with autism. She is Jeffrey's caretaker, 24/7. She is in the midst of trying to get housing approved from the Canadian government so that families with special needs adult children can live together in a community so that if she or any of the parents pass away, there will be a community to continue taking care of the child. She agonizes, as do so many parents with mentally and/or physically disabled children, about who will take care of Jeffrey after she passes.

And so, as Gwen kept talking, I kept crying. And at the end, she asked me to pray for her, and for her mission to get housing for her family and for the families of the many others in the community who were in the same difficult situation. And so, I have been praying. If you think of it, join in prayer with me for Gwen, Jeffrey, and the many families in this same, very difficult place in life. What a blessing her story and encouraging words were to me.

Right after church, we went back to Kadee and Matt's house. I packed up and flew out that afternoon. It was very good to get back home to my husband and kids. And even though I got in late, I went into Andrew's room and checked on him. Apparently he had just started falling asleep, but hadn't gotten there quite yet. When I walked in and looked down at his face, he looked up, got of his usual HUUUUUGE smiles on his face, and said "Mommy! Come here..." and reached up and gave me a big hug. He held on and I took him out with me and held my dear boy for quite a while. How thankful I am for him, and for his life.

Chris and I took the usual 4 days to adjust to life back with each other. It's amazing how hard it is being apart but at the same time how difficult it is getting used to being together in the same house again. However, we're in a good place now, and I can't begin to say how proud I am of my husband.

Swim lessons started up this week. I started out with Andrew in his adaptive class, which happens to be taught by a friend of ours. The first day was a little tough, but he really did seem to enjoy himself. On Wednesday, I traded with Chris and took Jeffy and Kadee Joy to the outdoor pool lessons. It was fun...but so cold! And I took them on the warms days!

Yesterday we skipped out on lessons (70 degrees with a strong wind=Mommy, Jeffy and Kadee Joy are too cold) and took a family outing to the mall. It was the best mall trip we've ever had. Andrew didn't run at all, although he would occasionally wander. However, he always came back when he called his name. Kadee Joy got some early birthday presents as Children's Place and Gap Kids were having a great sale. She got sunglasses that make her look like Sharpay from High School Musical, so she's delighted with herself. Jeffy fell asleep about an hour into the trip, so he was fine. :) We finished up the trip with a stop at Starbucks for some summer drinks, and then headed back home for naps. It was a good day.

Today Chris has class...ugh...and then tomorrow he preaches! I always get nervous, but he always does a great job. Please pray for him if you think about it. May God continue to use him in mighty ways.

So I should get back to my kids. They're content, having eating breakfast and being able to watch the horrible Saturday morning cartoons, but I really should get more accomplished with them. Please keep our family in your prayers...changes continue to come on faster than we expect, but God has been very good in providing the strength and help we need.

Genius Jeffy

Jeffy can identify letters...most of them, actually. He's 22 months old. So it appears that while he may be a little behind physically, mentally he's pretty stinking smart. Here's a fun video showing off my genius little man.

Meme too

So I didn't know these things were called "meme's". But I LOVE them. And I think Sherry tagged me, but I could be wrong...I'll go for it anyway.

Eight Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Visiting my family in Victoria, BC
2. Getting my stinking classroom finished so I can officially be done for the summer
3. Sleeping through the night (sigh)
4. My next trip to Starbucks
5. Watching Harry Potter with the fam
6. Eating Peanut M&M's with milk tonight
7. My next date with my husband
8. Seeing my dad again

Eight Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Went to church
2. Took a nap with Kadee Joy
3. Waited a looooong time for one meeting to finish so that I could....
4. Go to the second meeting.
5. Went to Youth Group
6. Got punished at Bingo
7. Had an outstanding dinner (thank you Pam)
8. Had a late night "discussion" with Chris and Charlie

Eight Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Have a conversation with my son, Andrew
2. Understand what my husband means the first time he says it without immediately feeling defensive (ENFP + ISTJ=frequent miscommunication)
3. Speak Spanish fluently
4. Take less time to get comfortable enough to call someone "friend"
5. Be completely debt free (I'm working on this one)
6. Go out in public with Andrew and not have him run
7. Have a clean house ALL THE TIME
8. Be able to eat WHATEVER I WANT without worrying about the sodium content

Eight Shows I Watch:
1. ABC News
2. West Wing (reruns)
3. FRIENDS (reruns)
4. Seinfeld (reruns)
5. Wipeout
6. Dora the Explorer
7. BackYardigans
8. Max and Ruby

Eight Favorite Fruits:
1. Blackberries
2. Kiwi
3. Grapes
4. Honey Crisp Apples
5. Green Apples (with caramel)
6. Raspberries
7. Strawberries
8. Huckleberries

Eight Places to Visit:
1. England
2. Ireland
3. Hawaii
4. Mexico
5. Germany
6. Israel
7. Italy (been there, but I'd like to go back)
8. Spain (been there, but I'd like to go back)

Eight Places I've Lived:
1. Reedsport, OR
2. Newport, OR
3. Toledo, OR
4. Siletz, OR
5. Dinuba, CA
6. Tillamook, OR
7. Kirkland, WA
8. Nampa, ID

Benign

Biopsy results came back benign. Naturally a huge relief. Thanks all for your prayers.

Prep Teacher

In the eyes of a many of my colleagues at my elementary school (when I say many, I mean about 75%), my main function in life (at least at school) is to give them a 45 minute break.

At least, that's what I feel at this particular moment in time. It's not so much that it is actually true (I really don't know that), it's just some wording they use that makes me think that.

For those of you who don't know, most contracts give teachers a mandatory break in the day in which to prepare themselves for upcoming lessons. This time is called "prep time." I have a prep time...it's right around lunch, but it's still my prep time.

But the majority of the other teachers at my school, when the kids come to my classroom, they are sent to "preps." Not music. Not PE. Not art. Not computer. "Preps." As if the only good I am to them is to provide them with their prep time. And not just teachers. Administrators. EA's. The kids themselves. They catch on very quickly.

I am a certified teacher. I went to college for four and a half years to complete a five year program to become a music teacher. I have a Bachelor's Degree specifically in music education.

I have a Master's Degree in Education. I worked very hard right up until the day before I delivered my first born to get that degree.

And yet, it seems to me that the 45 minutes I see students once a week is valued very, very little. Well, let's be honest...the fact that I see these kids only once a week for 45 minutes shows how really little a music education in general is valued. But, as far as those 45 minutes go it seems to be valued very little, at least as far as opening up the world of these students to the beauty, art, intelligence, and magnificence of music. It's value is in giving their teachers a break.

I don't think it's an "enrichment" subject. I don't think it's froo-froo. I don't think it's something to just give the kids some "fun time."

I have 45 minutes once a week to try and give the students of my school a music education. This is an education that I feel is worthwhile, important, and for some students will be absolutely life saving to their education. I have 45 minutes in which to expand their vocabulary in MANY languages. I have 45 minutes to allow them to work on unity of sound, watchfulness of subtlety, creative expression in dance, joy in improvisation and in the successful interpretation of a piece of music, a chance to look through a window into the soul of another human being through his or her music. I rehearse, correct, praise, and teach. I am responsible for taking an entire grade level and teaching them a variety of songs, instrumental techniques, performance etiquette, stage safety, and basics of musical vocabulary, most of which is in Italian.

So please don't call me a prep teacher. I really do work very hard to give your students an actual education in music. If you just need a babysitter, there are actually many cheaper and less meaningful ways of providing you a 45 minute break. I really do worry sometimes that if there was another alternative to me as far as giving consistent prep time to regular classroom teachers, I would be booted pretty quickly. I take up one whole FTE. And man, is that expensive childcare from a school perspective.

And yeah, I mind when you keep your kids out of my class to catch up on other work. And I do mind when you ask me if they're doing anything "important" today. And I do mind when you could care less about the time of day that would work best for the kids to try and absorb my subject in a 45 minute class time.

And I really do get that you're under the gun to get test scores up. And I really do get that to the majority of politicians and administrators, getting their math and reading scores up is more important than them having a meaningful music education, or making sure that their kids are in shape, or tapping into their creative energy and working on ways to expand their skills as artists.

But seriously...we question that philosophy in every way possible on a daily basis...don't let it diminish the importance of what we, as individual subject specialists, are trying to teach your kids. There are no standardized tests on music, PE, art, computers...but don't let that skew your view of the importance of any of them.

No really...I don't like being called a prep teacher. :) And I don't think you like it when parents view your role as little more than free daycare. So don't treat me like I'm that for you. I will gladly take your kids during their designated time because frankly I really, really enjoy what I do, and I really, really want to teach them. And I will continue to respect what YOU are doing in teaching them your respective subjects. And I will try to remember that ALL of us, want what is best for kids.

And thank you much to the teachers who send their kids to specials, to music. Thank you to the teachers who care to be on time, who care what their kids do, who who care what their kids did while there were there, because that is a reality too. The difference in attitudes of the kids is very much a reflection of the teachers who bring them.

And don't get me wrong...I know you need a break. I know you need time to prepare. If we were honest, you generally use a whole lot more than 45 minutes to prepare to teach 20-30 uniquely diversified individuals on a variety of levels. And so do I.

Sadly, I realize to most readers, and maybe even most teachers, it just really doesn't feel like that big of a deal. But to me, in my chosen profession, in this moment in time, it is. Because I am a dying breed...and generally the deaths come out of the same attitude that refuses to acknowledge me for what I really am...a teacher of music. A teacher of kids. And someone who genuinely loves her job and tries her best to make sure that the education these kids are receiving from me in my subject area is one of quality, and one that they can take with them for the rest of their lives.

Biopsies

During a routine female exam, my doctor checked my thyroid and found it to be, as she put it, "full." Bloodwork came back normal, but she still wasn't totally okay with the way the thyroid actually felt. So I went in to get an ultrasound on my thyroid. Turns out I have three solid nodules on the right side of my thyroid. I went in to my ENT yesterday and found that out. He wasn't particularly comforting, and let me know that I would need to have a fine needle biopsy done on all three nodules to rule out cancer.

Chances of them being malignant? 5-10%. It depends on who you ask. My percentage goes up based on my age, the fact that the nodules are solid and not cystic, and the fact that I don't exactly have a good family history with cancer.

My mind has been preoccupied with it for the past 24 hours. It's not that I fear cancer, or even death...it's just the not knowing that's dominating my thoughts. Chances are they will simply be benign, and I'll just have to watch them for the rest of my life.

But all the same, if you could keep me in your prayers, I would be most appreciative. I get the biopsies done on Tuesday and then find out the results however long after that. My nurse was good enough to tell me that if the results were benign, they would tell me so over the phone and then schedule an appointment to see what's next. If they were not...well, they'll just call me and tell me to come in. I think it would have been better if she'd told me that she would just call me when I needed to come in and discuss the results. :)

Oo-kay?

So Chris and I go to marital counseling. No, we are not in a marital crisis. Yes, we were in marital crisis the first time we went. We went another time in between then and now as well.

Counseling was ALWAYS something that had a negative stigma to me. I figured only really screwed up people went to counseling. When I was a kid, I knew of only a couple of kids who went to counseling, and I always thought badly of them. Judge me if you will.

Of course, after you get married you realize how futile arguments seem to become after multiple failed attempts at reconciliation. Pre-marital counseling didn't feel like real counseling...everybody has to go if they want to be married in that particular church. But after a couple of years, I wanted to go to marital counseling with Chris. A whole bunch of friends in my bible study went with their spouses, and I was sure this would be the end-all be-all to my marital frustrations.

Chris was not so open to the idea. He had had his own experiences with counseling as a child after his parents' divorces and subsequent remarriages to other people. I don't think he looked back on them fondly.

Another three years later, we found ourselves smack dab in the middle of marital crisis. "Divorce" was being thrown all over the place, I was severely depressed. It got to a point where I ended up in personal counseling, which quickly turned into marital counseling.

While the first several sessions did very little to help our marriage, the sessions after the truth came out about why we were actually in marital counseling were life changing. I am still amazed at the progress and healing that came about as a result of marital counseling, and it was definitely a good healthy mixture of the amazingness of our counselor, and both Chris and I's persistent work on the things we so badly needed to work on.

Recently we've been going as more of a preventative type thing. We still have issues (don't all married people though), and we've enjoyed the first few sessions.

However...A funny and sort of "huh?" moment came out of it.

At the end of a particularly soul-bearing session, our counselor stopped talking, and so did we. She looked at both of us and said, "You know, if you guys hadn't had your faith, you would have been divorced a long time ago. I have never met two more polar opposites in marital counseling than you two. Your communications styles, personalities, everything are all completely opposite of each other. Steph, you're "slow and steady wins the race" and Chris, you're "fast and.......jumpy."

I thought the fast and jumpy part was funny. The rest was a little disheartening. My "half-glass empty" brain started going, "Is she saying that we SHOULDN'T be married? That we never should have been married? That marriage for us will always be incredibly difficult?" I drove home with those same thoughts zooming through my head.

Chris had class later that night, and was getting ready to go, when he noticed I was looking pretty down. He came over to me, pulled me up, and gave me a big hug. "Did the stuff our counselor said make you upset?"

"Yeah...," I said, the tears starting to come down again.

"Well I think it's a good thing," (my "glass overflowing" husband said) "and you want to know why?"

"Why?," I said, in my most pathetic voice.

"Because it means that we're not just both being incredibly selfish! The stuff we deal with is just because we're so different! Don't worry, honey, we'll make it." And with that, he gave me a big kiss, another hug, and fed me dinner. :)

And that is where I think that while we are indeed polar opposites, God has been and will able to work through us and our marriage in mighty ways. Because, as our counselor pointed out, were it not for Him, there would be no way we could be here, in our home, with our beautiful kids, and recognizing His mighty power to work miracles...including helping two polar opposites have a happy marriage.

Yaaaayyyy!

I know it's sideways, but the day has finally come that we thought never would....

He's 20 months old, almost 21...but he did finally do it. Yaay, Jeffy!

"I'm Wishing..."

Andrew LOVES movies. He'll get on a movie kick and stay with the same movie for weeks. Lately it's been "Snow White." And while he still can't hold a conversation, he can memorize a song like it's nobody's business. Here's his latest musical triumph, accompanied by Kadee Joy and sometimes loud Mommy.