"I became a complaining person."

This blog has been a few weeks in the making. I actually meant to write it as soon as I got back from my church's women's retreat, but then life took over and I didn't do until now.

I went up to retreat on a scholarship...I went up without having to pay for the gas to get there because I carpooled. I didn't bring any cash with me...we're in the financial program I've talked about before, and since my meals were included in my scholarship, Chris didn't really think I needed to take any extra money. Note how "Chris" didn't really think I needed it...

The friend who was so graciously taking me up there stopped to get something to eat on the way up. It was at Subway, a place I normally wouldn't be able to get much at anyway, and I'd already eaten a full dinner before I came. But the smell of the bread brought on the Pavlovian effect it usually does, and my heart was bitter with my husband for not giving me any cash to buy whatever with. And I'm pretty sure I mentioned this to my gracious friend while she and her sister ate.

Then the topic of coffee cards came up for discussion. Coffee cards go with the small coffee bar that is located at the retreat center, and husbands or friends can purchase them for someone going to retreat before hand. If you know me, you know my love for coffee, and I became embittered again as I KNEW there would be no coffee cards waiting there for me, and I would have no money to purchase them.

We got to the retreat center late that night. We got all of our stuff put away, including the stuff that had been waiting for us when we got there. We had a pretty fun night of games, but I was tired and went to bed early (or at least, early for retreat). The earplugs they provided worked very well and I woke up quite refreshed.

As I was getting ready that morning, another friend asked me if I wanted her to get me some coffee. I was determined not to be whiney, so I said no. Apparently my whininess extended from my heart into my tone of voice, because she asked if I had any coffee cards. I said no. So then she asked if I had check the pad of paper I'd been given when I'd first arrived at retreat...I hadn't. She told me that if someone had given me one, it would be in there, but if I didn't have one, she would buy me one. She was so nice about it, but I declined. I knew that there would be coffee in the dining hall at breakfast and I was starting to feel like a schmuck. After she left to go down and get coffee, and sprinted over to my bag and checked my pad of paper...Lo and behold, someone had anonymously bought me a coffee card, and there it was! I was so humbled, and I quickly offered a word of thanks to God .

After breakfast, we went up for our second session with our speaker. I had missed the first session because we had arrived after it had finished, but was intrigued by the title of this session. Something about, "Manna again, Lord?" It was worded better than that, but I knew enough of the story to have my heartstrings tugged a little bit.

We had wonderful worship in song, and then we moved onto the message. I would quote it word for word, but sufficeth to say it was on complaining, and how we as Christians are currently modeling what the Israelites did in the desert when God was bringing them to the promised land. He was consistently providing for their NEEDS, and they consistently complained about their WANTS. And our speaker uttered one phrase that really struck my heart: "I became a complaining person." Holy cow, was I convicted...I could have spoken the words myself and they would have been perfectly true. She talked about how entitled most people in the church feel, and how we complain when all the things we feel entitled to don't happen.

We have a wonderful opportunity for quiet time with God, and this retreat is up in McCall so I took my time outside. It was a GORGEOUS day. I mean gorgeous. McCall is up in the woods, and we were at this beautiful camp that was covered in snow, but it was not too cold and was very sunny. So I sat outside in the sun, and went through the questions our speaker had asked us to ponder. One of the first ones asked what things we felt entitled to.

I wrote a few things down, and then a few more, and pretty soon my list of things I felt entitled to took up several pages. I felt entitled to be able to have and spend as much money as I wanted to when I wanted to, especially as it concerned food and clothing. I felt entitled to have normal, well-behaved children. I felt entitled to be respected. I felt entitled to have Chris do most of the work, and yet for him to expect very little of me, even though he is the one who works three jobs. I felt entitled to have a perfect marriage. I felt entitled to come home to a perfectly clean house with all the yardwork done and have my children and husband completely joyful at my return...

Is the list starting to sound ridiculous? It certainly did as I wrote them down. But I realized that while they sounded ridiculous on paper, they had been part of my thinking for years. And if anything I felt entitled to didn't happen, I complained about them. And I complained loudly, and very often, especially at home and at work.

And this was my witness? This was my cry to the world on how Christ was working in my life?

The next question asked which of the entitlements I had listed were things I felt God asking me to surrender. That was easy...all of them. So I took my list and went for a walk on the snow covered field. It was even warmer out there, with the sun reflecting off of the snow. I spread my arms out wide and began giving my entitlements over God. One of the things that our speaker had mentioned was having our hearts changed so that when our first physical inclination was to complain, we should instead replace it with reminding God of our trust in Him. As I walked around the field, I kept whispering, "I trust you, Lord. I trust you." And I gave Him back my boys, who I'd felt entitled to be healthy and normal. And I gave Him back my marriage, knowing that he had a plan far better than my own. And I gave Him back my husband and praised Him for the transformation I have seen in him, and how wonderful he is. I kept giving things up, and God replaced them with peace and thanksgiving in my heart. IT WAS WONDERFUL, and it was so freeing. I began to see how much I had to be thankful for, and how consistently God provides for our every need..and our wants sometimes too. :)

The rest of the weekend was fantastic, and God showed His power time and time again. Coming back down, I felt like a brand new person.

It has been three weeks since retreat. My time since retreat has gone back and forth, depending on the choice I make in how to react to situations. I am still placing my trust in God, knowing that He has provided for us in everything so far, and that He will continue to do so. I am so thankful for everything He has given me, and am continuing to pray that Christ will live through me.

Spring Breakin' It

We're half way through Spring Break, and I am already looking forward to summer. It has been such a nice few days of relaxation, cooking, baking, playing, cleaning, and it feels like I'm getting to know my kids all over again.

Kadee Joy goes back and forth between amazing mother hen instincts and little girl tantrums...which makes sense since she's in kindergarten. She is so funny. She loves to entertain us ALL THE TIME.

Andrew has been showing us a little bit of imaginary play, which is HUUUUUUGE for him. Yesterday he was playing Lucifer the Cat...Kadee Joy kept saying "Lucifer, come HERE!" and Andrew would crawl over to her on all fours. :) He has been a very good boy, except for the 10 minute tantrum he had when he couldn't express what he wanted. I decided to take that opportunity to give him a haircut. He HATES haircuts. Hates them with a passion. But, since he was already in a bad mood, I figured I might as well make the most of it. Some spots are missed, and some are shorter than they should be, but you try cutting the hair off a constantly spinning, thrashing object, and I doubt you'll do better. :)

Mister Jeffrey has been so fun over this break. He's taken to wearing hats, and if he's not wearing a hat, he's putting a hat on someone who doesn't have one. He also has developed an obsession with water bottles. I'll give him a tiny little bit in a water bottle, which he will then jump up and down about (spilling some of it) and then will drink the rest. He then asks for more wa-wa, and the cycle continues. He's been labeling EVERYTHING, and has figured out a complicated little toy phone that asks him to identify numbers, colors, and shapes, so that has been on pretty much all of break as well. He loves to watch me cook, which I've been doing a lot of, so Jeffy and Mommy have been getting a lot of bonding time.

Love INC has helped us to see that we really shouldn't be spending any money on entertainment or unnecessary travel, so we've mostly been at home. It's been wonderful. Chris has been getting some much needed downtime from two of his three jobs. He had a guys overnighter last night, so is a little tired today. I had a girls overnighter on Friday of last week which was extremely fun. The youth in our group are such awesome people.

We've been able to do some fun hanging out with family and friends as well. Mom was here last week, and while I'm sure it was not much of a vacation for her, she was so helpful in getting our house reorganized and cleaned up. It was nice to wake up on the first morning of Spring Break and not be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of housework needing to be done...because it already was. The kids of course loved having her here as well. Miss Thing and Mom got into it several times...I'm pretty sure it's because they're so much alike. Mom of course loves her grandboys, and was always up for snuggling, hugs, and kissies. She was able to fill in our clothes gap also, so we should be nicely decked out for Easter.

Settler's of Catan has been our primary activity whenever one or more additional adults happen to show up. I love that game. :)

Tomorrow night we have a Good Friday service, Saturday we have a big Eggstravaganza at our church, and then Sunday is the best day of the entire Holy Year, in my opinion. I remember three years ago when the Resurrection came early...What a wonderful reminder of the infinite power of God to heal, grow, and even resurrect.

2 in 110

Jeffy was diagnosed with autism on Monday, February 22nd.

This diagnosis was totally different than Andrew's diagnosis. With Andrew's diagnosis of autism, I felt almost a sense of relief that I was right in thinking there was something wrong.

With Jeffrey, having already been in the difficult process of raising a child with autism, I kept hoping that the reasons for his huge physical and communicative delays would be something else...ANYTHING else. I remember even saying that to our pediatrician six months ago when she red-flagged Jeffy for an autism screening; "I just don't want it to be autism."

But the doctor was able to diagnose Jeffy even more easily than the other doctor who had diagnosed Andrew. Jeffy's savant skill of reading mixed in with his other delays made it easy. His inconsistent hearing, his echolalia, his delay in motor skills, his extreme independent play...yeah, it was an easy diagnosis. "Does he do this? Does he ever do this?"....yes, he spins, yes he flaps, yes he sings and quotes movies that have nothing to do with the current conversation, no he cannot answer or ask "wh" questions, no he does not seem aware of personal space, no he is not able to read facial expressions, well, actually he knows all of his alphabet, lower case and upper case, and can identify his numbers 1-14..., no he doesn't use imaginary play...


So while it makes sense that this is Jeffy's individual diagnosis, the part I am struggling with the most is that I have two boys with autism. My "normal" daughter is the exception to the rule of my children.

Does this sound hopeless, pessimistic, etc?

Forgive me if it does. It's not that I've given up on my boys.

I was just still battle weary from the ongoing first war. I am now fighting a two front war, and it is utterly exhausting.

Does anyone really read these?

I know I personally read some blogs religiously, but it's such a funny thing to be the author of one...I really do wonder sometimes if anyone knows or cares what's going on in my little head. It's been a while since I've updated, but this three day weekend I find myself with an opportunity to do it, so here it goes.

I think probably the main reason I haven't written for awhile is because my oft-fought battle with depression has been raging again. I know that some of you might be thinking, "I thought she was done with that..." Don't worry, I was hoping to be done with it as well. I had a switch in medication a few months ago, and while the side effects I'd been trying to get rid of did indeed go away, my overall mood changed to increasingly, well, moody. :) Depression, so far anyway, is more of an ocean to me, not a cup of water...it comes in waves, and is not finished in one sitting.

I found that most of the time, after I would come home from work, my brain would be pretty cloudy (there's actually a term in circles of people with depression called "brain fog"...totally makes sense to me). In fact, my overall cycle of living would be: motivated in the morning, fatigued in the afternoon, and pretty well down and without energy in the evening. This proved particularly difficult as I would be at work during my "good" time of day and at home during my down (both physical and emotional) time of day.

Starting in December, after a long and depressed November, I got back into personal counseling, which I hadn't been in since first moving back to Nampa. Starting with my first session, I started digging down deep and shared things I've rarely shared with anyone else. And in that sharing, it became pretty obvious that I have lived a fairly consistent cycle of guilt, anxiety, stress, and despair. And each of those would, in turn, lead to shutdown and unresolved anguish that I carry around have been carrying around for a very long time.

I have been looking for the safety that I remember from childhood for a very long time. I have been looking for the unchanging and unconditional love that my dad showed for me when he was alive. I have been downtrodden by the vast number of ways I feel I don't measure up, which includes how I am relating to those close to me. I have been fighting a losing battle with all the things I should be doing.

And in counseling, and through an inordinate number of people and messages, I have realized that I have ignored the truth that I have known in my head since childhood...that the safety, peace, and unconditional love I seek is what God so desperately wants to provide me. There really is NOTHING that I could do to make Him love me more...or, in my case, love me less. God sees me as valuable, as good enough, and wonderful just as I am. He sees me as beautiful, as intelligent, and as worthy of being loved. And He has already taken those things that I continue to try and carry...and wants to take the things I am continuing to collect. One night, while laying on my bed, I just had it out with God...Sobbing, I asked Him to find me good enough as I was. And He did, and does...Isn't that fantastic?

Jeffrey is going into the autism doctor in February. He was red-flagged in August for missing a number of developmental milestones, and his obsession with letters and numbers has started to become a problem since he isn't able to see past them if they're on toys. We don't know what the diagnosis will be. There's a condition known as hyperlexia that his therapists seem to think fit him pretty well...but it is possible that both of our boys will have autism as a part of their lives. I even managed to take that...producing two beautiful boys with autism spectrum disorder...as a sign of flaw in me as their mother, which traveled back into the cycle of guilt and despair.

But God made my beautiful boys too...and finds them even more valuable and precious than I do, which is simply extraordinary to me. And knowing how I feel about them reinforces the sheer power of His love for me.

Chris has officially started student teaching. This means that all three of our kids are in daycare (except when Kadee Joy and Andrew are at school). We had quite the time trying to find a daycare that would be able to get our kids from school, as well as being affordable...and being a place where our kids actually wanted to go, and where we feel comfortable enough sending them there. We were able to find a place the Friday before Chris started, and they have been wonderful. It's been nice to have all of us be so busy, in a funny way. We're praying that there will be a teaching job when Chris finishes his student teaching. Pray along with us, will you?

We've also started the LOVE Inc financial program. Our finances have been one of those areas that have sat on the top of my conscience, and have been particularly good at adding to my anxiety and guilt. So starting LOVE Inc has been humbling, but so relieving...we don't have to carry it alone anymore.

If it seems to you that I come to funny, obvious God realizations every other blog, I probably do. I think that's how God works though...He is constantly revealing Himself in new and powerful ways...provided we give Him the time to do it. :)

Fall

I couldn't think of any more creative title.

So after my last whine-fest I wanted to make this one good. I don't know that I will live up to that wish, but I will try.

This has been an interesting time in the Tiner household. Two short weeks after I had "the swine" my kids all had cases of it. Or at least, they had a number of symptoms that were close enough to them that they were asked to stay home from school. Andrew was out for a solid two weeks, while Kadee Joy was kept at home for just one. They all seem to be back to normal now, and we're very glad to be on this side of it.

After being on a waiting list for nine months, Jeffy finally got in to see the geneticist. The geneticist ordered a battery of tests to be done, and on his evaluation listed several possible syndromes or diseases that Jeffy could have. After a couple of weeks of waiting, we got the results back...His DNA looks good! (as well it should...have you seen us? :) He has one more test that we're waiting on. I'm very glad everything came back looking normal. I do, however, still wish that we knew why he has so many medical problems.

My hair is changing often these days. I went to a new salon and came back with group of colors which many people liked a lot...but which really wasn't me. So after six weeks, I took the plunge and tried to make it all one color. But in order to do that I had to go dark brown, since one of my many colors was dark brown and I didn't want to risk going all Anne of Green Gables and ending up with green hair. I really like it. I also have bangs now, which I also really like (after not having them for 17 years). The downside to all these hair changes is that I inevitable have the not too with it student who will ask (weeks afterwards), "Why did you dye your hair, Mrs. Tiner", to which I really don't have a good answer yet.

My mom came and visited last weekend and we had a great time hanging out, shopping, and catching up. My daughter bawled after she left...she misses her Bomma.

I had my first program of the year, which went pretty well, and I have another one coming up on Veteran's Day. Programs drive me crazy, but their an important part of my job.

I've been making a more conscious effort to work with my kids and have seen great improvements. Jeffy now knows his colors (of course) to go along with his letters (uppercase and lowercase), numbers, and a few shapes. Kadee Joy is making good gains on sight words, and recently got glasses! She failed her 5 year old vision test miserably, having inherited her daddy's lazy left eye. So we took her to the pediatric opthamologist who confirmed the lazy eye and gave her a prescription for glasses. We went back today and found that the glasses are helping, but if they haven't corrected her vision more drastically in the next six weeks she will need to get an eyepatch. Arrrrrrr!

Andrew is struggling a bit this year in both preschool and Sunday School. I'm not really sure why...We have our parent teacher conferences for both Kadee Joy and Andrew next week, and hopefully we can get a better idea then. His IEP was mailed to us this week, and it was a bit discouraging to hear the large number of ways he is behind his peers. But oh, how we love our boy. Please pray that we will find additional ways of helping him.

Chris and I are having fun being married, parenting, and leading the senior high youth group at our church. I am so amazed at the man God has changed Chris into. He is so exceptional at what he does. I thank God for the second chances He gives us all, and for the ways He has opened my eyes to the wonderful person I am married to.

Chris is headed to the church and needs the laptop, so I'll finish. Above are some fun pictures my mom took during her visit here.

Quarantine and Isolation

Swine flu sucks. Just so you know. I made fun of it when it first hit...I'm really not sure why, looking back.

It all started on Monday. I woke up feeling fantastic, went to work, did the morning exercises, and had a great morning. My associate next door wasn't feeling too good, but I felt great.

And then that afternoon I started sneezing. And then I started feeling tired. And then I started coughing.

On Tuesday I felt so bad that I laid down down on the couch in the staff lounge during most of my lunch break. I felt better that afternoon, which I attributed to a dose of Tylenol Cold/Cough that I'd taken in the morning.

Wednesday proved to be even harder, and I literally had to stand against the wall and try not to fall asleep. I felt extremely tired, achy, and just couldn't seem to muster up much energy. I went into the nurse's office after laying on the couch for another lunch break. She took my temp and I had a low grade fever. There were only two hours left of school by the time she took it, so I decided just to struggle it out. My afternoon classes were nice to me, and then I came home. My fever stuck around and I spent the night in bed. I realized that I probably shouldn't go in the next day, but was a little torn since both that day (Thursday) and the next day (Friday) were state inservice days and the DO had already asked that no one else take those days off since we were over our sub limit.

So I called my administrator that night and let her know that I had a fever. She told me that I was definitely to stay home the next day if I still had it. So I called my librarian friend to see if my classes could just go to her, and she was great about it. So Thursday was taken care of.

Thursday came and I did not improve...in fact, I felt much worse. The aches from the previous days had turned into all out pain and my fever kept me in a constant state of being either extremely hot or extremely cold. My kids knew that I was home and didn't understand why I couldn't hang out with them. After lunch, I went out into the living room to hang out with them, although I barely had the strength to walk from my bedroom to the couch.

Thursday night, I had the decision to make of whether or not I would go back to work the next day. My fever was still present, and I still felt horrible, but I didn't want my school to have to do all the inconvenient changes my absence would cause. So I decided to go to the doctor (Quick Care) right before the office closed just to see what they thought.

My fever had dropped, but apparently my other symptoms were concerning enough for them to do the HORRIBLE Influenza swab they have to do to see if you actually have it. Ten minutes later, the doctor came back in. Positive for Influenza A...and 99.9% of all those positive for Influenza A actually have H1N1...swine flu. I was not to go back to work (or out in public) until I had been fever free for 24 hours (without the aid of a fever reducer). And I was to be quarantined in my bedroom, and restrict any interaction with my family. They were also not to leave the house (as much as possible).

Well, that explained a lot. So I called my administrator who obviously told me that I was to follow the doctor's orders. My friend once again was very gracious in taking my classes, and my colleagues at school covered my other duties. The next morning I received a phone call from our school nurse who asked permission to let the rest of the staff know what I had and what symptoms they were to look for, and that everyone who ends up with it is to report it to her. I became the first official H1N1 case at our school. Yippee! The thing that nags at me is that I'm sure I had it while I was feeling so ill at school. I am hoping against hope that no one else gets it...

I have been in Isolation/under Quarantine for 24 hours (at home for 48 hours) and it is not nearly as fun as you might think. Number one, I feel horrible. I can easily see how H1N1 could really destroy someone with a low immune system. It just sucks the life out of you, and sleep helps little because you just wake up drenched in sweat and can't breathe because of the respiratory part of the virus. The only good I can see out of it is that I don't have the vomiting part of it. That would be horrible, horrible, horrible.

Number two, every once in a while I'll hear a quiet little knock on a door followed by a heart-wrenching "Mommy? Mommy?!" My kids know I'm in here, but the younger two obviously have no idea why they can't be in here. Andrew keeps trying to sneak in to come and snuggle. If anything, the actual diagnosis has helped to silence that little voice in the back of my head that asks "Could it really hurt if I was with them for just a little bit?" And while Kadee Joy understands that I'm sick, she doesn't really get the seriousness of what would happen if she or her brothers got it.

Jeffrey has already had auto-immune stuff...he's just not a strong guy. I worry about him getting it. I worry about my whole family getting it, but him especially. So if you could, please pray for the protection of my family. They can't leave to get away from it, so it's kind of chancy either way.

Chris has had an enormously difficult task in caring for me, the kids, and disinfecting the house as best he can. He has been so good about it, but I can tell he's running low on energy. And he has to be the bad guy who keeps the kids away from Mommy. And he can't leave the house either. Supposedly by Sunday afternoon, we'll be okay, as long as the kids don't show symptoms, although the virus can rear it's ugly head anywhere from 7-24 days after infecting someone.

I made the mistake of posting my question of whether or not I had H1N1 on Facebook. Not that anyone was rude or anything, but it's probably not something that all 200 of my "friends" need to know about. Of course, now I'm blogging about it, so my ethics are all mixed up:) So I took it off, and decided to take a break from Facebook, which is kind of tough because there are so many people joking about Swine Flu on it and others wondering if they should get the vaccine. I understand why people joke (obviously I did), but it really is pretty horrible, and would be much worse if it infected a large portion of a family, church, or school. I'm really hoping that my own quarantine proves to be somewhat effective...not that I would be able to go anywhere right now anyway, but I really don't want others to get this. As far as the vaccine goes, if it were able to actually keep people from getting it without having really horribly adverse side effects, I'd be for it. I just don't know if anyone knows enough about it right now to actually be able to promise that.

So there it stands. Every once in a while I get a call, which is nice (as long as I'm awake), but generally I'm just shut up in my room, watching the Office, sleeping, or trying to eat something. I also listen to my kids, and wish that I could step in and comfort them when they cry, or try to relieve Chris when more than one them needs something at the same time.

I know I probably sound like a whiner, but really I'm just kind of dumbfounded by the irony of being infected by something I found so funny. And of course, it's really, really not funny. Not even a little bit.

A Nyquil Induced Inward Gaze

I had an interesting night last night. I've been on Nyquil for the past 3 nights. This has resulted in approximately 12-14 hours of sleep every night. I know...I'm jealous of myself, too. Chris is a pretty rare husband. At least, I think he is. If I'm sick, or just having a rough night, he will just let me go to bed as early as I want to and will get the kids all ready for bed and put them down. And he's been doing that since last Friday because that's when I started to get sick.

But back to Nyquil...the runny, stuffy nose started in three nights ago, and thus the Nyquil. Nyquil has not been a part of my life for about five years. You're not supposed to have it when you're pregnant or breastfeeding, thus me not being able to do it in about five years.

So Nyquil became my dear friend and enabled me to get some much needed sleep. But of course, it brought along with it some truly bizarre dreams. Of course, my antidepressant has been giving me quite violent dreams for the last two years, and I always remember them the next morning. So in a sense, the bizarre is preferable.

Last night, one of the dreams (I say one, because I had three) took me back to my freshman year of college. I attended a college in Kirkland, WA...obviously did not stay there because I met and married Chris while attending and, later, graduating from NNU.

It was a very, very unpleasant year in real life. It brought out my worst insecurities and I had them publicized and criticized. I had my back stabbed on a few occasions, could not make close friends, and had a very, very sad social life. Academically I aced everything, but only because I literally had nothing better to do. I came back home from that place a very broken, disillusioned person.

I would like to say that NNU made up for it, but unfortunately I took hold of my future and early on made some of the worst decisions of my life. I look back now and am saddened at the opportunities (both socially and academically) that I didn't take advantage of. I look back and feel regret. And not regret as in I wish I could just leave the life I have and start over...but I just wish I had known then what I know now. And maybe deep down I did...and just chose to ignore it.

And so while my dream started back in my freshman year of college, my mind (once awake) looked over the course of those difficult, nearly mind breaking years and wondered how I survived them.

And now here I am...Thirty years old, married, three kids, and a steady job.

And yet for some reason I still don't feel like I have it together. Does that make sense? I feel like I still have a rather large and ever-lengthening list of things I should be, and of areas that I should be better at. I sometimes view the faces of of people I went to college with and think to myself, "They look like they have it together. They look like their kids are well behaved, that their marriage is going great and that they've had easy times since the beginning, that they probably don't have any debt, that their house is immaculate and well decorated, that their yard probably is weeded and mowed on a daily basis, that they..." and the list goes on.

Because for some reason, upon waking in the midst of the Nyquil haze, it seemed to me that those were the things that determined success in life. And to be honest, I don't think it's a bad list.

But God was so gracious in immediately reminding me that while I may struggle with some (okay ALL) of those areas at one time or another, He has a picture of what He would like me to be like...and the list is much more about what He can accomplish in me, rather than an overwhelming list of what I think everyone else (and even myself) are looking for in me in order to call my life successful.

So once again, I turn myself and my tendency to focus on what feels impossible standards over to my Heavenly Father who loves me. He loves me more than I love my kids...and He loves them more than I do too. He loves me more than my abundantly loving husband does too...and will continue to bless our struggling little family as long as we continue to place ourselves in His much more capable hands.

For I am convinced that my worth is in much more than just the superficiality of a clean house (although it would be nice to have it :), children who will behave everywhere regardless of whether or not they have had naps (because my kids are awesome in so many other ways), or some sort of illusion that those on Facebook are somehow more perfect than I am (because none of us are )...and that by placing myself in His hands, I can become the absolute best that He has created me to be. And the great thing is, I don't know what I will become yet, but I know that what I will become will be far, far better because the Artist of my life has a far great vision of what I shall become in His Care.

Celebrations

We've had a very busy few weeks in our family. Miss Kadee Joy turned five years old at the end of July. Naturally, we had to do our traditional trip to Red Robin. She LOVES getting sung to. LOVES it. And has loved it since she turned one all those years ago.

We took a trip to Tillamook at the end of that week. Kadee Joy's dearest wish was to see her Canadian cousins, so we did. It was a crazy trip, being just me and the kids, but it was good to see them and my mom.

The 8th of this month was a busy day with it being Jeffy's 2nd birthday and my 30th. Ugh. Chris planned a fantastic surprise party which included all the guests (and me) dressing like characters out of a book, lots of fantastic food, many of my dear friends, and of course...lots of trivia games. My husband knows me so well. I dressed like a flapper, representing Daisy Buchanan from "The Great Gatsby." Good times.

Jeffy and Kadee's joined parties with family will be coming...soon...So it's really hard to have a child born on the same day as you. Just so you know. :) He didn't really get a party last year. How different the third child is from the first child in terms of party craziness.

And then yesterday was Chris and I's EIGHTH anniversary. We started the day by watching our wedding video, which is always bittersweet. It's so fun to see us so young and excited, but tough to see the people who have passed since that day. Dad, Grandpa McCoy, Sue, Grandpa Phil...we miss you, and cannot wait to see you again in the life after this.

After we packed up the kids stuff and I packed with the instructions that we would not be staying the night at the house. So we dropped the kids off at the Paz house in Boise, and then Chris drove me just a mile or two away to...the Anniversary Inn! I have wanted to go there since I first heard about its existence shortly after we were married and this was my first time there. We stayed in the French Canopy Room which was BEAUTIFUL and included a waterfall shower, jacuzzi, and was just completely romantic.

Right after we dropped our stuff off, we cleaned up for dinner. Chris took me to an Italian restaurant in downtown Boise, "Asiago's". I had this crazy pumpkin gnocchi with a lingonberry sauce and it was terrific. During dinner, Chris passed me a small box with a red bow on it, and inside was a beautiful white gold ring with seven tiny beautiful diamonds. When we got married, we had only gotten a ring that stood by itself (no attachment for when we got married), so this was the attachment we'd never gotten. I was so floored by it, and so happy...I know it sounds silly and shallow, but it made me feel even more married.

After that, we went back to the Anniversary Inn, where we ordered room service, and Chris whipped out the BBC/A&E version of Pride and Prejudice. We watched this until I fell asleep. And of course I left out other details. :)

The only remotely questionable moment hit when I heard Chris unzipping the pillows in the middle of the night. They were made of down...Oops. Chris has a pretty severe down allergy which causes him to be unable to breathe, so I was very relieved that he figured it out before his reaction got too bad.

The next morning we finished Pride and Prejudice while eating a yummy breakfast in bed. Then we got to experience the waterfall shower which I am very interested in installing in our house. :)

We left five minutes before they would have kicked us out, and headed to Chris' last surprise...lunch in downtown at Le Cafe de Paris which I would HIGHLY recommend to anyone who has not tried it yet. It was absolutely delightful. I ordered the soup du jour, a Scallop and Bacon soup that was surprisingly low in sodium and a house salad. The salad had to get traded after I discovered the dressing had large chunks of salt, but the garden greens and vinegar and oil that came back was just as good, and much better for my ears and equilibrium.

I also got a nice basket of sliced baguette and seriously the best iced tea I have ever had. It was a great end to a fantastic time away. My husband did such a good job with the planning and literally arranged everything in such a way as to show me how much more he loves and knows me since the beginning of our eight years together. I love you, Chris Tiner!

O Summer...Where Hast Thou Gone?

At the end of this last school year, I was so burned out, so ready to be done. Perhaps it was too many early morning committee and staff meetings (of which I'll blame myself having signed up for them). Or maybe it was being called "prep teacher" one too many times. Or maybe my own attitude needed a huge adjustment and renewed focus. Or maybe I just really, really needed a break because I'm human and every once in a while we all would like a break.

Usually by this time of the summer, I'm feeling the urge to go back to my job as a music teacher. I'm ready for a more structured schedule, I'm ready to see all the students again, I'm ready to work on improving my craft as a music teacher. Usually by this time, I have realized once again why I am not a very good stay at home mom.

But my life seems to be filled with the unusual. And in this case, it is no different. I'm not ready yet. For me, it still feels like we JUST got done with the end of the year. The prospect of starting an entirely new year "already" seems ridiculous to me. I am hoping and praying that I will be re-energized in the next two weeks leading up to the start of school.

Kadee Joy will start Kindergarten in two weeks. She actually starts the exact same day that I report back to work...not quite sure how that will work out, but hopefully I'll be able to take her. I'm already a little emotional about it. I didn't think I would be since Andrew has been in the same school she'll be attending since last year in the special ed preschool. I think the difference is that I actually teach kindergartners. The fact that my daughter is now the same age as those I teach puts both them and her in a completely different life. I hadn't realized before what relative babies these poor kids are. No wonder the mothers and fathers who drop them off are so anxious to make sure they will be okay before they depart.

The depression beast came back and hit me the with the ferocity of a tempest. I'd gone back to my anti-depressant on an every other day basis at the end of the school year. I seemed to be doing okay, although I found that it was much more difficult to remember when I had last taken it.

After a particularly draining week, I forgot to take it three days in a row. It feels stupid that that would be a big deal, but sadly, it was a big deal. I wrestled with some of the darkest thoughts I've had in a long time. And they hit very hard. My bones felt as though weighed five times as much as normal, and my heart burned. It was difficult even to get out of bed. I tried to think logically about my life and the place I was in with my dear husband, my three beautiful kids, a home, a job, a loving family...and in my state of deep depression these thoughts did very, very little to pull me out. I felt the full weight of all the things I felt I "should" be doing, and all the roles I felt I "should" be fulfilling better. I became overwhelmed by all that I was not.

Now I realize that for those of you who have never struggled personally with depression, this seems like a ridiculous state to be in. There was literally no reason for me to be feeling the way I was.

And that, I think, is the dangerous part of depression. It's not a battle of the mind or of the will. It's a battle of the body.

So my husband nursed me back to health, making sure that I took my anti-depressant on time and regularly. He took me out into the sunshine and around Boise, forcing me to get the natural endorphins flowing as much as my depressed body would allow. He read the Psalms to me, prayed with me and for me, and reminded me of his love and my worth in his life.

It took a few days, but I finally am back out of it and into the land of the living. And so, my war with depression wages on.

And now I have two weeks of summer left. I will be turning 30 on Saturday (!) and Jeffy will be turning two on the same day. I'm excited for this week. I think there will be many, many fun experiences, and I plan on using these last two weeks well.

If you think on it, please pray for me in my battle with depression. The toll it takes on my family is much higher than I would ever wish for them.

Jesus Loves Me

Another precious moment with Andrew.

Funny

My husband is a huge High School Musical fan, as are many members of our youth group. I know most of you have probably seen this, but I thought it was hilarious.