Now what?

In March of this year, I headed to Andrew's school for a monthly meeting regarding his progress. I don't get to make it to all of these meetings because of my own school schedule, but when I do get to go they're usually helpful.

At the beginning of the meeting, I was asked a simple question. "So, is there anything that's on your mind?" I answered with what is almost always on my mind. "I just want to make sure that we're doing everything we can for Andrew."

I was NOT prepared for what came out of the wonderful woman who acts as a coordinator and advocate for Andrew. "You know, it's interesting that you would say that. Andrew's teacher and I have been discussing it. Andrew is the highest student in his classroom academically. He is doing VERY well. The main things he needs to work on are social and behavioral skills, which he needs neurotypical peers for. We think he is ready to move into public school. "

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to feel. After a few moments of processing, I grasped at a few stray thoughts I was having about when he should start, what kind of paperwork would need to be done and asked them aloud....but all the while I was thinking, "We moved down here for THIS SCHOOL. What are we doing down here if Andrew's not even going to be attending here?"

At the end of the meeting I got the kids and met Chris just as he was arriving from his school. I gave him the news. Then he pretty much echoed the same thoughts I'd had. "What are we DOING here?"

So I called some of the wise people in my life and posed those questions to them. The incredible thing was their response. "Wait, you're saying that in just two years, Andrew has progressed to the point of being able to be put into a mainstreamed classroom? That is AWESOME! Do you think he would have been able to do that in Idaho?" To which respond (because I know), "You're right. There's no way he would have."

Beyond that, though, I also know that God has grown US. Our whole family.

Chris, my wonderful Chris, has grown and grown and grown spiritually, relationally, and professionally. He is a different man from when we first moved to Texas, and he was already pretty amazing then.

Kadee Joy has grown leaps and bounds academically, socially, musically, (speaking of which she'll be playing Taylor in our school's production of High School Musical in a few weeks!)and spiritually.

Jeffrey is in a mainstream classroom and is doing SO WELL. He's in a school where kids adore him, and where his teachers are constantly praising him and encouraging him.

Luke is so healthy, so smart, so...two year old-ish.

And I am happy. The sun, the heat, the warm people of this great state, my church, and my school have all been so good to me. My job in particular has been very stretching, in the best possible way.

And Andrew...what's next for him?
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For those Idaho friends reading, I should clarify at this point that we are NOT moving back to Idaho. Or the Pacific Northwest. We do not feel God calling us to do that. We still feel a very strong call to our church here in San Antonio, and have not felt released from that calling. So if any of you want to move down here....
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As soon as I realized that public school was going to be a reality for him this next school year, I started speaking with my colleagues and administrators about it. Currently, Jeffrey and Kadee Joy attend my school on a tuition waiver because I teach at the school. However, this is only allowed if the student does not need more than a "regular" child would need in order to attend. In other words, behavior has to be solid, and they can't require additional staff to meet their needs.

Andrew does NOT fit into that pre-requisite. His academics are much better than we ever hoped for, but he will most likely need an aide with him in the general ed classroom. So, he was denied entrance into my school as a tuition waiver student, which was hard. No mom wants to be told that her child is too "needy" for the school. With that being said, I really do get the financial constraints school districts face.

So! with that being said, we still know my district well enough to know that it is absolutely where we want Andrew to attend. We're looking at moving (again!) into my district. This is a little tricky because housing in my district is RIDICULOUSLY expensive, and it's all due to my school district being as good as it is. When I mentioned tuition before, we have around 100 students who do not live in district who pay tuition in order to attend my school district because it has such a quality reputation. Would I have known this had God not brought me to my job? Of course not. We moved down here in order to give our boys the best possible chance at being able to fulfill whatever calling God places on their lives...and having found a place where they can be nurtured, encouraged, AND learn behaviors from neurotypical children fits that goal.

Andrew moving back into the public school system is scary...he's been so happy at his little school. He is doing wonderfully well, but still acts so DIFFERENTLY from neurotypical kids. I don't know what they'll make of him. I don't know what the staff will make of him. I only know that God has been faithful and grown Andrew well over the last two years, and believe that He will be with him and continue to grow him in this new stage of life. Please pray for us! Pray for our housing situation, pray for our transition (AGAIN), and please, please pray for our dear Andrew.

Sloth

I generally don't take New Year's resolutions very seriously. In fact, I usually just randomly come up with something if someone happens to ask on New Year's Eve.

This year is different. I feel God calling me to wage war against a particular sin in my life. A deadly sin. The sin of sloth.

I had a vague understanding of sloth when I felt God calling me to fight it. I think the main definition that came to mind was "laziness." In reading more about it, I find that it's bigger than that...It's a failure to do the things that one should do. It's a failure to use one's talents and gifts. And most importantly, it's a CHOICE to fail in those things.

I've had several years of sloth/laziness now. Or maybe it's been a lifelong struggle. I'm not sure. But this past year it has been destructive to my health, my family, and my faith.

If given a choice of activities, I will almost always choose sleep (if it's an option). It could be a lingering effect of depression, which is what my doctor thinks. Or it could be a result of the low, low, low, low, low amount of time I spend exercising. My body feels like a physical example of sloth. This results in my kids eating quickly made food at the last minute, homework being swiftly signed at the last minute, more TV time than I know is healthy for me, dishes and laundry piling up, and very little energy to put into caring for my husband. But I've come to be convicted of the fact that my sloth is my choice. And I have chosen it over the people and things I love for too long.

Chris feels the brunt of this sin. And he has for a while now. He picks up the pieces that I leave behind as I lay down for yet another nap, or as I go to bed hours before he and the kids are ready to. He sees what I put into my work (which is actually a lot) and compares it to what I put into my home. And the difference is sad.

The real big problem is the problem of spiritual sloth. It's hard to listen to God or to read His Word if you're constantly in a state of either being asleep or wishing you were asleep. As my physical sloth has increased, so has my spiritual sloth. And my spiritual sloth feeds into my feeling of overwhelming fatigue.

So this year, starting this morning as I heard Luke calling for me, I choose to ask God to help me wage a war against the sin that is most destructive in my life. I ask for your prayers in this battle. The virtue meant to fight sloth is diligence. So I ask that you pray for me to have and to use diligence. In all things. All the time. But especially as regards my faith and my family. God deserves much better from me. So does my family. And so do I.

"...but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

-Isaiah 40:31

What We've Got

For the first time in a long time, we have a child with a bad case of normal.

Tomorrow, Luke will turn two. The is D-day for us, the day I've been dreading since our ultrasound told us we were having a boy. That same day, an article was published with new stats on autism...and the scariest stat was the one that confirmed that a child with two siblings who had autism (particularly those who were boys) had a 1 in 3 chance of developing autism.

But Luke doesn't have it. He points. He talks. He plays with toys appropriately. He interacts normally with other children. He names people easily. He eats food normally. He sleeps normally. He throws tantrums...normally.

I remember when people would tell me, "Well, what is normal, really? There's no such thing as NORMAL." I know you're trying to be PC, but believe me, no parent of a special needs child would deny that there is, vaguely of course, "normal." The gut feeling that they get when they see their "quirky" child do (or not do) things that seemingly all the other children the same age as their child are not (or are) doing tells them so and only gets more extreme as the gap does as well.

And Luke is, for all intents and purposes, NORMAL. He loves trucks and cars. He loves wrestling (which is particularly upsetting to Jeffrey). He loves creating chaos (as opposed to finding even peaceful settings chaotic and worth avoiding). He accepts snuggling, but does not seek it out constantly. He already can follow verbal directions better than Jeffrey.

He WANTS to be independent. Andrew and Jeffrey would probably still be totally okay with me dressing them everyday, and there are some days when I still have to. Luke gets mad when I try to and grabs the clothes away from me so that he can do it.

Luke calls me Mommy. And has for a long time.

This is what I prayed for. This is what I wanted. This is what I cried for when I held my newborn Luke in my arms. I remember covering Luke with my tears as I whispered my dreams of him becoming a doctor so that he could help his brothers. And even if he doesn't do so, the difference of me knowing at his two year old birthday that he COULD is so very different than either of his brother's two year old birthdays.

Kadee Joy is doing great, Chris is doing well at his job, I feel like I'm doing well at my job, Luke is right where he should be...but Jeffrey is falling apart at school and Andrew's school is having a monumental battle with our insurance company that is threatening Andrew even being able to attend. Both of our vehicles went out of commission at the same time resulting in us having to buy a van with financing, instead of just paying cash (first time doing that), we have some big illnesses in our extended family...

In other words...life is life. God has granted us a lot...some things that are easy, and some things that are very, very hard. The ironic thing is that the things that I probably would have thought to be the most difficult from an objective stand point have been the most wonderful and beautifully growing part of my walk...and those things that I thought I KNEW I wanted have turned out to be the areas I need the most help in.

Speaking of which...I think I mentioned Luke turns two tomorrow.

God be with us. :)

Transitions

It seems like using the word "transitions" to describe life during the last few months is ironic considering that we moved to a completely different region of the country the summer before. But, as most people over the age of 22 know, stability in life is more the exception than the rule. And while change is still hard for me, it, as with most things, becomes less distressing as the number of changes increase, and increase with unforeseen blessings beside them.

Shortly after my last blog, we moved into the actual city limits of San Antonio. It has benefitted us for a lot of reasons, but the reason we did it was because God told us to. Again. We'd been told to move to San Antonio in the first place, but had tried New Braunfels for a variety of reasons. It turned out that as far as the reason we'd been called down here (the school for our boys), San Antonio was definitely where we needed to be.

So in June, once our lease was up on our manufactured home, we moved into San Antonio. We also changed churches (a hard change, but one we knew we needed to make), and began getting settled into another new home. It's been a good change. Andrew was able to go to school throughout the summer, since we were now close enough that the drive was doable each day. And since school has started, our morning routine has been much less hectic with no hour long commute to wrestle with. We also are back in a house, which we are able to appreciate so much more after a year in our single wide.

In July we started attending San Antonio First Church of the Nazarene. We're already on the worship team, I have a great Sunday School class, and Chris is doing Junior High Youth group on Sunday afternoons. The fantastic children's ministry realized how hard it was for our boys (especially Andrew) to go from Sunday School, to the music portion of the service with us, and then back to Children's Church, so they just keep them from when we're at worship team practice before church to the end of the worship service. Kadee Joy made friends quickly, and Lukie seems to really enjoy his little class.

All of my family was able to visit at some point during the summer, and I cannot begin to tell you life-giving each of those visits were. I cannot always see how all of us being so spread out works within God's plan, but I know it IS in His plan, and I'm find myself appreciating the times we are together so much more than I might otherwise.

Right after my last blog, Chris injured his back pretty severely at work. So severely, in fact, that he was unable to work during the entire course of the summer. God provided for our needs, as he always does, and towards the end of the summer Chris was hired to teach fourth grade at one of the hundreds of elementary schools in San Antonio. Chris has LOVED his new school, his cooperating teacher, and his staff and students. We are so grateful for God's provision, both of a job, and of the time we got together this summer. God did amazing work in our marriage, and is continuing to show me how wonderful my husband is...and that is all owed to Chris' continuing desire to be utterly and completely God's, and to be obedient daily to what He is calling him to do.

I'm back at my school for the second year, and have already been able to accomplish 200% more this year than I was able to last year, simply by knowing my students, many of their families, and having experienced all the school and district do last year. I've been writing grants like crazy, and have so far received nearly $10,000 in grants for my program. Amazing what a little gumption and the ability to write can do. :) I started teaching guitar to my fourth graders, and have been suprised at how well it's going. I am still incredibly grateful for God placing me where I am, with my team, with my students, with my staff, and with the parents of this community. There are still three parents who volunteer every week to take Andrew to school for me. EVERY WEEK. They bless me and Andrew so much.

Life at school did change slightly because Jeffrey is now at my school! He's in first grade and his transition has been emotionally and physically hassle-free. He LOVES school. And my school loves him. Some of my fifth graders got to know him yesterday morning because their class and Jeffrey's class partner up to have reading buddies. First comment: "We met Jeffrey! He's so cute!" Second comment: "He's got such BIG EYES." Third comment: "He tried to walk out with our class!" The last part was a bit concerning, so I asked for clarification. Turns out that Jeffrey had indeed tried to leave with their class. Silly boy. I told them it must be because he liked them so much. Then I requested that they watch for him and if they see him wandering by himself that they help him get to safety. :)

Kadee Joy is doing SO WELL at my school. Her teacher loves her, and she's been doing much better in the area of personal responsibility. At one point her teacher named her the class fashion queen (not sure how THAT happened), so each morning she carefully picks our her outfit and accessories so that she will not disappoint her teacher. Teachers, don't hand out compliments or statements lightly...the kids SOAK THEM UP.

Luke is back at his daycare, and got back into his routine within a day. It's fun to see how much he's changed just in a few months. He goes to daycare without any tears, and as soon as we steps in joins with whatever his peers are doing...I don't even get a goodbye, and I'm okay with that. Developmentally he still seems to be on track...pointing, lots of words, waving (sometimes), and he's super strong. I broke down and got him vaccinated after an epidemic of whooping cough and measles broke out in the state of Texas. We haven't noticed a change in behavior, so hopefully I didn't make the wrong choice.

And Andrew.

Andrew is where my heart seems to reside more than my other kids. Not that I love them any less, but when he hurts, I could die. And he's been having a rough go of things for a few months. Almost ANY transition results in a heartbreaking plea from Andrew NOT to transition. Not just one request, but minutes and minutes of pleading, crying, clinging to us. If you heard his plea, I think you would die a little too. Every fiber of my being wants to NOT do whatever is causing him pain. And yet I know, I KNOW, that it's what he needs to do. He NEEDS to go to school. He NEEDS to go to church. He NEEDS to be with his peers in Sunday School. Sometimes we NEED to go home, and not stay at Morgan's Wonderland.

And as I write this, I realize once again God is trying to say something to me. As life offers up all of these many transitions, and I am offering up my plea to God to PLEASE not make me do this, He offers back His better than my own wisdom and says YOU NEED to do this. I know better than you, I can see the whole picture, and even though it seems hard, and you don't like change, and would rather just stay as you are, you NEED to trust Me on this and do it anyway.

And so, I'll continue to trust that God knows what He's doing, and that we're right in doing what we're doing, coming to this new place, turning our families worlds upside down, missing friends and family from our life as it was before, because ultimately it will be better for us. Not less painful, not easier, just better. Even in rereading what I've already written, I know that He is already showing me how He cares for us, and how He has already provided for us. And if it seems like I've written this same lesson at the end of every other blog, it's probably because I have to relearn it and remind myself of it daily, sometimes hourly.

He's GOT this. He's GOT Andrew. And in fact, He's had him all along.

“For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught.” Proverbs 3:26

"For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess."
Deuteronomy 30:16

Mom

My mom's birthday is close to Mother's Day, and so a few weeks ago I entertained the thought of dedicating a blog post to her. In spite of it being a few weeks late, I present it to you now.

I could try to tell you stories about my mother's childhood based on stories she's told me, but I might insert childish interpretations based on the age at which I was told. There are some stories that I don't even know about, as evidenced by a late 1990's visit by my Aunt Sheila to our house in Tillamook in which Aunt Sheila started to tell us a story about my mother in high school but was interrupted by my panicked mother who shouted "Sheila, don't you dare!" Sheila laughed hysterically, but did NOT continue the story. Anyone who knows my mother in real life can only imagine what situations her ultra social butterfly personality and hippie tendencies threw her into as a teenager in the late 60's and early seventies. And I also know that her experience with Iowa extremes in weather helped to form her crazy need to stay in 50-70 degree weather that makes the Oregon coast ideal for her.

What I can tell you is that my mother has been my champion in countless situations. There have been so many times during my life when she could have jumped all over me with judgment, criticism, and an I-told-you-so that would have been well deserved. But I don't remember a time like that in my life. I remember such an opportunity when I told her about the nature of an abusive relationship I had gotten out of a few months before...no judgment, no condemnation, no disappointment...only heartache at the hurt I'd been caused.

When life has dealt me a sometimes tragic hand, like during the worst of my marital crisis, the diagnosis of my boys with autism, the complicated surgery of my middle child, the financial upheaval of my family...she has never offered unsolicited advice, but simply helped me get through. I remember the day I found out the worst news of my life. She was in Tillamook and I was in Olympia, and she wrote, "Though I am not dad, I love you just as much as he did. And though my embrace is not the same, I am here for you and I care deeply. I love you Steph. You are beautiful and special and I'm proud to be your mom." In a way, I think my dad's death gave God the opportunity to work through her and to develop closer relationships with us girls, because dad had had that role with us before his passing. And I know that her own experiences with tragedy have given her wise words to say without saying too much.

When she first heard that God had told us to move to San Antonio, she didn't freak out but told us to keep praying about it. Once it became a reality she started looking up everything she could about the area. She helped us to financially prepare for the move, and prayed, prayed, prayed that jobs would line up. The week before we moved, she came and helped us pack. The morning I received the call from Alamo Heights, she was the reason I called back and took the interview. And of course, that was a HUGE part of God's plan. And she covers over half of Andrew's tuition every month...which shows just how much she believes in what God has called us to do down here.

Our relationship can sometimes be a quirky one, but we're pretty quirky gals. I remember making so much more sense to my husband's family after playing several card games with them and my mom. We're a competitive lot. Her (dyed) red hair is a fitting crown, and her hippie/blinged out fashion sense perfectly describes her...Indescribable. :) She has to visit us in the late fall because the summer makes her cranky, and when she comes she showers the kids with chocolate Donettes and frequent outings because she has NEVER been able to sit still. Our meal times are much more precisely planned, and usually include at least one Pizza Hut dinner made of thin-crust pepperoni pizza so that she can relive her college diet. She starts to get stir crazy at the end of the visit and almost always leaves a day in advance, but if you watch the speed at which she walks it makes sense why.

And she has always, always been one to visit the old, the sick, and the invalid. God gave her a gift of ministry for them, and she has never, despite having twins, a son, and sometimes being poor, shirked this ministry.

We are so opposite in personality that sometimes our lifestyles drive the other crazy, but our visits are fun, our phone calls (usually) frequent, and I KNOW she's in my corner, even if she's hungry, or too hot, or tired. And for that, I am very, very grateful that God gave her to me as my mother.

Living Life Backwards

Browsing Facebook does a few things. Number one, it allows you a unique look into the lives of those you see on a daily basis as well as those you haven't seen in years.

But number two (and what turns out to be what happens more often than I'd like to admit), it naturally causes you to compare that stages of the life you are in with those you are "friends" with. And this gets me into trouble, because my life has not gone the way I "thought" it would go.


Chris and I were married young. Chris was only 20, and I had just turned 22. Yes, I'm older, and marrying a younger man was something I'd always sworn I wouldn't do. We lived in married housing at NNU for a mere $345 a month (including utilities!) for the first two years of our marriage while both of us finished up school. Towards the end of our second year of marriage, I had just started my master's program, and somehow we got the idea to buy a house. And so, we did...And it was beautiful and we loved it.
The interest rate on the house was ridiculously low (although not as the rates can be now!) and our mortgage payment likewise was low. We had Kadee Joy within the first year of being in that house. And life was good.



And then, 6 months after she was born, my dad died. He was 47. I was 25. And I knew no one else in my circle of friends who had lost a parent. I felt robbed.

9 months after the death of my dad came Andrew. And he was beautiful. And I was so sad that my dad never knew him.



4 months after Andrew was born, Chris was offered a youth pastor job in Washington. I wanted to stay at home with my two kids (that's what I was supposed to do, right?), and Chris' job would allow me to. I would also be closer to my family (minus dad of course), which I also wanted. And so we moved, and made around $50,000 in the sale of our house, and put most of it into a down payment on our new house in Washington. And it should have been beautiful.



But it didn't turn out that way. Less than a year into Washington, I was pregnant with Jeffrey, and Chris and were in what I euphemistically call "marital crisis." I was looking at being a divorced single mother of (almost) three at age 27.

But God intervened, right before Easter, and Chris found his way back to the Light and we entered into the third stage of our marriage. Everything in our married life is referred to as pre-Washington, Washington, and post-Washington.

Because of the nature of our marital crisis, we needed to move. So we moved back to Idaho, living with Chris' sister and brother-in-law. But we had to sell our house, which we did...and at a loss because we had been in it so short a time, and because the housing bubble that had earned us so much on our first house was busting during the sale of our second house. Quickly, before the bust really took effect, we bought our third house, when prices on houses were at their highest.



Chris went back to school at this time, feeling that the nature of our crisis would forever bar him from youth ministry. He got his teaching certification...and in the process we racked up an enormous amount of both credit card and student loan debt. Also, Andrew and Jeffrey were diagnosed with autism.

A few months before his certification program was over, we started Love, INC. And through Love, INC, we hacked away at all of our credit card debt. But the student loan debt was put on the back burner.




And then, in 2011, the whole story of how we got to Texas began. And it's been an amazing journey. Luke was born at the end of 2011, and he was beautiful, and he confirmed God's plan for us to move.



In January 2012 we talked with our realtor about putting our house on the market...and he told us what we already knew. Our house was worth FAR less than what we would get out of it. So we entered the short sale process, and thankfully, our house sold, at a loss to the bank of nearly $50,000. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.




Which brings me back to the beginning. We are now living in a single wide in Texas with our four kids, and if there's not a country song about that then I should write one.



We cannot buy a house...number one because we just did a short sale, but number two because our student loan debt to income ratio is waaaay too high. We have owned three houses in our 11 year marriage, but we did so at the beginning of our marriage and cannot do it now, when so many people my age are just beginning to buy their second "forever" home. I have four kids, and so many of those I know just started their families. Many of my friends are just now dealing with the health or death of a parent...or not at all...and I have been missing dad for eight long years. We're planning on moving into San Antonio (we live about 30 miles away right now) so that we can be closer to all of our schools (including mine). But of course, rentals are our only way to go...and I'm uncomfortable with it.

Chris is still trying to find his way in the working world. He's currently working ground maintenance at an upscale golf course and really likes it...but it just doesn't come close to covering our monthly expenses, even with my higher than usual teaching salary. He wants to fulfill God's calling on his life, and is waiting patiently (much more so than I) for the opportunity to do so full-time, rather than in a volunteer capacity. We'll see what the fall brings.

So as I say...I feel I'm living life backwards. I have a constant battle in my head of where I think we "should" be.

We "should" be finished paying our student loan debt...it's been ten years, and I get to see on Facebook when classmates have done it!

We "should" be in our own house. Facebook tells me we should!

We "should" be having my parents visiting us and going on wonderful vacations with them. Facebook shows me I should!

My kids "should" be winning all sorts of awards, be excelling in dance, athletics...again, Facebook tells me they should!

As a mom I "should" be staying at home with my kids and creating fantastic desserts for their birthdays, and dressing them in hipster/indie kids clothes. The pictures on Facebook show me that it's the way things are done!

I "should" be invited to my alma mater to explain to the students what being successful in my job looks like. For the record...I haven't been invited. :)

Now you might be thinking that I'm at a point of desperation and maybe you should call the authorities, whoever they might be. Or you might be thinking, "Man, she really must be embarrassed to post this stuff on a blog..."

But here's the thing...I KNOW I'm not alone in struggling with the Shoulds of life. For every perfect picture posted of a perfect life on Facebook are at least 10 people looking at it thinking the same things I am. And the truth is, life isn't always perfect, life is almost never what we think it's going to be, and...the mantra of my life...God ALWAYS has better plans for my life than I do. For example:

I can be an incredibly selfish, inward focused person. And I KNOW that I was far worse about this before my dad died, my marriage fell apart, my financial picture imploded, and my boys got diagnosed with autism. All of those things created within me an understanding of people and their weaknesses and moments of despair because of my own. Were my dad still alive, my marriage without that point of destruction, my home the picture of financial strenght, and my children all "normal," I KNOW that I would be more judgemental, self-righteous, and selfish.

I wouldn't have been able to be obedient to God calling us to Texas. Each of the experiences mentioned above share one common trait: They strengthened my knowledge of the need to trust God. I used to so easily take credit for the successes in my life. I know now how flawed that thinking was and is. Having all of the "shoulds" mentioned above would not have created happiness in me. I would always want more. And any of them could be taken away at any moment. For me, they were taken before I had a chance to take credit for them. And truth be told, our everyday needs are ALWAYS MET, and God has always been faithful in providing for them. And though I always told Chris that moving to Texas would never happen, I really do love it down here.

I wouldn't find constant reasons to trust God in His wisdom. I'd be trusting my own wisdom, and taking credit for it as well. And God is also very good at showing me what I need to work on...and it almost never has to do with the outward adornments of myself, my home, or my family.

These are all things in life that will eventually be taken care of. Because I firmly believe that,"...our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." These moments of struggle and pain simply are a reminder that life, wonderful as it can be at times, are self defined...MOMENTARY. There is a place beyond my dreams and in eternal reality where we will find our true home. Where our children's fashion will not matter because they will be draped in heavenly garb. Where illnesses, disorders, and death will be no more and my boys and I will reel in laughter with their Poppa. Where our feelings of discomfort in finding and living in our earthly homes will be forgotten in the indescribable beauty of our heavenly home.

SO...I'm praying for the ability to focus on what God is calling me to in this moment. I'm praying for the ability to praise God for what He HAS given to me. I'm praying for wisdom in knowing what steps to take next. I'm praying to be the mother and wife HE wants me to be...not what Facebook makes me think I should be. I'm praying for my husband to continue to follow where God is calling him to, and that I will trust in God's provision and not the dollar signs attached to various opportunities.

And I'm praying that I will be able to meet what God has for me with an open heart and mind, and that He will provide people to encourage me to follow HIS will, and not my own selfish desires.

Watching and Waiting

There are many things I've been tempted to blog about, but just haven't gotten that real drive to write about. That's the only way I write blogs...a sudden burst of energy, a thought that won't leave my head, and (miraculously)uninterrupted time to write.

Luke.

Lukie.

My baby.

He's who is on my mind this morning, and many, many mornings, afternoons and evenings.

He's been on my mind ever since we found out that we were having a boy.

He's not just your average boy.

He's the brother of two other boys with autism. So his chances of developing autism are 1 in 3.

We have officially entered the danger zone. 18 months is where it will really hit, but we're watching already. There are many, many things that Lukie can do that Jeffrey could not by this age. Physically, Lukie is right on track.

We think he's naming objects. We think. We think he calls a bottle "ba-ba." We think he has called a ball "ba." We think he has called a car "ka." We calls Chris da-da (although da-da is also the sound he repeats most often).

Here's where I'm nervous: He still doesn't point. He doesn't really wave goodbye. And those are the things that my boys just did not do until well after being diagnosed. The other things they could do more or less and then either lost them, or struggled with them at around 18 months. But especially the pointing...they just never did that. They had no concept of me being unable to see exactly what they were looking at. They were already in their world of autism.

I understand that you might be thinking "So he doesn't point or wave yet...he'll get there!" I think if this were my first baby, or even first son that would reassure me. But as I'm sure any mother of a special needs child (or children) will tell you, milestones are not sure with us, no matter what it is. We celebrate when they achieve them for sure. But we can't emotionally invest in a future that might not be. We help them struggle through the steps they're currently on. And Luke is not special needs as far as we know...but it's been a LOOONG time since I watched a neurotypical child develop. And she was ahead of everything (which of course I took credit for--ha!).

If you know me at all, you will know that there are fewer things I get more joy from than my boys. They have taught me so much, are such beautiful human beings, and have a purity of soul that is rare. I LOVE my boys. But I also hurt for my boys when I see them being excluded, or know that they want to be included and just don't know how to get there. They can be in the midst of a room of people who love them and still be completely alone. There are many, many things in this world that are worse than autism. But it's the pain I know that I fear happening again to another of my beautiful sons.

So here's my prayer...that fear of the future will not keep me from experiencing the joys of the present. That regardless of a diagnosis (or not) I will praise God for the beautiful creation He has entrusted in my care. And that Lukie will become exactly who God intended him to be, as God's plans for us are always, always better than any we can come up with.

All things new

This isn't my usual sort of blog, or at least in my head it isn't as I start to write it. So my apologies if it disappoints and my gratitude if you like it more. :)

Things we do now that we did not do before coming to Texas:
1) We attend a support group for Parents of Children with Autism. We have never been in any type of a support group before, although we've been asked about participating in them (particularly as they relate to autism) many, many times. Both Chris and I were hesitant at first. As Chris put it, "I'm okay with the fact that our sons have autism. I don't really need support."

However, upon going we have found it to be good in two ways. First, it helps us to talk with a group of parents who "get" what we have gone through and can advise as to what we probably will go through. When I talk about Andrew running, or difficulties in getting services, or Jeffrey doing his "tica,tica,tica" thing, I see fervent head nodding and know that they know exactly what I'm talking about. For our small group, these behaviors are our new normal.

Secondly, it provides Chris and I a chance to minister. There are parents still going through the trauma of finding out that their child has autism, and who are wondering what they did to cause it. We've been there, and are able to offer encouragement and comfort. It's an extension of the work of the church, and we're so grateful for the opportunity to be that extension.

2) We live in a single-wide. For some Americans, this means absolutely nothing. For us, it felt, well, a little sad. We've owned three homes. There is a huge stigma placed on living in single-wides and double-wides (at least in the communities I've lived it), and I felt the full force of it as we were moving in. But with our limited budget, this was pretty much the best we could afford. And what I've found is that the families living here are hardworking, polite, and helpful. God has once again proved that his provision is exactly what we NEED, and anything that I think I know can be contradicted by what HE knows.

3)I use ma'am, sir, and y'all many, many times throughout the day, and have people say the same to me. I can't even explain that one...especially on y'all. It just WORKS here, and the ma'am and sir thing just elevates the overall feeling of respect that people display here.

4) I understand all the hype about why being a Texan is awesome. It is a different world down here. With the exception of the very first rental car agent we met when we were first visiting back in March, the people here are wonderful, and the children are incredibly respectful. The food is DELICIOUS and plentiful, and customer service is always polite and helpful. And for our family, there is help for our boys, and an ever increasing amount of awareness and urgency to help others. God bless Texas.


"Texas has been a second chance for me. I expect that might be true for many of you as well. It has been a chance not only for land and riches, but also to be a different man. I hope a better one. There have been many ideas brought for in the past few months of what Texas is, and what it should become. We are not all in agreement. But I'd like to ask each of you what it is you value so highly that you are willing to fight and possibly die for. We will call that Texas.
-William Travis, The Alamo

Figuring Things Out

Fall is here, and apparently it's been almost a month since I last updated my blog. You may be wondering why I would update it so early on a Sunday morning, as I would, and the truth of the matter is that with my boys and I needing to leave the house at 6:15 every morning to make it to work in San Antonio on time, sleeping in on Sundays, all of our sleep schedules are off enough to think that 7:00 is actually sleeping in.

Life has been...full? Confusing? Wonderful? A mixture of all three?

Andrew started his school (the one we specifically moved down here for) the day after Labor Day. So far, he seems to be doing wonderfully well. We get a very thorough, written update every single day about he did with his school work, what he ate, when he went to the bathroom (yes, still important that we know that), what therapies he had, what specials classes he had, and his overall social interaction. I posted on Facebook that Andrew has friends. This is amazing if you look at some of my earlier blog posts. I NEVER thought he would have real friends. And not only does he have them, but he can name them, and gets great joy out of being able to do so. So obviously we're so, so glad that we came down here.

Jeffrey has also been doing extremely well in school. His Special Education teacher makes sure to send me pictures and videos via text when he does an especially fun group activity, which I fully appreciate. I really feel like I actually know what both of my boys are doing at school, which if you think about it is not a normal thing...Neither of my boys are able to communicate past information very well, so asking what they did at school usually elicits a completely non-related answer. I'm grateful for the detailed updates.

Kadee Joy is doing well at school, and was just tested for the Gifted and Talented program. She has made friends as well...

But they all seem to be boys. Who come over to our house to play. And if you think this doesn't freak me out, you would be mistaken. I don't remember even talking to boys at her age, much less thinking it was a good idea for them to come over and play. Please pray for us. :)

Lukie is doing well, but of course I am already worried that he has autism. He's delayed on a number of his milestones, although he still is very smiley and has great eye contact. I'll admit that I've delayed vaccinating him just to see if it makes a difference...I know, I know, there's no scientific evidence linking vaccination to autism...you have two sons with autism and the third with a one in three chance and tell me you wouldn't at least think about it. :) He is a champ at eating solid foods, and has yet to actually spit anything out that he doesn't like. Except for formula, that is. Although he's pretty well given up spitting up that as well, which our washing machine is grateful for.

My job is going very well. It is a COMPLETELY different experience than any other I've had. I just wish that legislators and those in education knew, REALLY KNEW just how NOT level the playing fields are in each district. My school has a huge amount of parent support, a thriving PTO, wonderful caferia food (yes, this matters), small class sizes, an amazing amount of support staff....and it shows. And those things are simply not there in my other school district, and NOT because the teachers and administration there wouldn't love all of those things. The funding simply is not there and you can't force parents to be supportive. That's all I'll say about that for fear of getting myself into trouble. :)

And then there's my Chris. We've had a pretty up and down couple of weeks. The job we had been fairly confident he would be able to get never materialized, so we're back to square one.

My job pays pretty well, but doesn't quite cover all of our medical bills and student loans (not to mention that we didn't quite realize that you can't keep your house at 72 and not go broke when the utility bill showed up), and since a youth pastor job is nowhere on the horizon, he has jumped into a mad search for another job. We're praying that he will be able to find a job that fits his giftings well, and that it will be enough to cover the gap from what we made in Idaho to what I am making here. I want very badly for my husband to be happy in his job. Please pray with us that the right job will be available and that Chris will be able to find it.

I was thinking yesterday morning about when we had first begun to tell people that God wanted us to move to Texas. I remember that even though I was SURE that God had told me to do it, I really wasn't sure that we would actually go. So as I was reminiscing, it hit me that we were HERE. That the impossible had been made possible, and that had actually brought us here. I am grateful, if a little overwhelmed, and keep lifting my family and myself up to Him for his will to be done, even when it seems impossible.

What?!?!

On Friday morning (as in YESTERDAY), after all of the kids had been enrolled in public school, we received a phone call from One for Autism. One for Autism is the private school for children with autism. I say "the" because it's the one that God specifically called us to move down to San Antonio, Texas from Nampa, Idaho for.

One morning several weeks ago, even though we had no financial means (that we knew of) to accomplish it, I applied for Andrew to go the school. I didn't apply for Jeffrey...and all that I can say is I honestly didn't feel that I was supposed to at the time.

We had no word for quite a while, and then at the beginning of last week we received a call saying that he was second on the waiting list to get in, and they would have their final numbers soon to tell us whether or not he got in. They anticipated telling us this week.

It was at that point that I fully registered both boys into my school district. It seemed as though he probably would not have even the chance to go there this year. I have spent HOURS figuring out how transportation was going to work for the boys, how I would juggle all my school duties and still get them to and from on time, etc. We met their teachers, all of whom we REALLY liked. We had transfer ARD (IEP) meetings, and finally I (with the help of many people in my district) had all the transportation details figured out, and all of their learning goals and accommodations were set. We still hadn't heard anything, and it was the last day of the week...I figured this year it just wouldn't happen.

And then came yesterday morning. The phone call from One for Autism went to Chris, and he was told that there was now a spot for Andrew and that he could start this next Monday.

Now all of you reading may be thinking that I would have received this news with great joy, but instead it came with...PANIC!!! How in the world were we going to pay the $1400 per month tuition? I really LIKED his new teachers at my school...I wanted him to go to my school! I'd had it all figured out!

Luckily, God is a God of grace, and settled me down after an hour or two. I got a hold of the director at the school, who was very gracious and walked me through the process of how to determine how much my insurance would cover, since so much of the school was therapy based and administered by board certified professionals in their field of therapy.

So I called. And the answer that I got was confusing. And so I called her back with the answer. She tried to walk me through the math of it. My math came out that we would still need a little over $1000 per month. But she knew insurance talk better and told me $420 per month. I got off the phone still confused, and called my husband for the eighteenth time that day and asked him to call her again to see if he could make sense of the math.

So he did, and yes, it turns out she was right. We will have to come up with $420 per month. And that's it. Of course, I say that's it, but the part of my brain that deals with tangible still balks at the amount. Our finances are stretched REALLY thin right now, and Chris still doesn't have a job. But boy, does $420 seem attainable compared to what we originally thought it would be!

One difficulty that arose was that if Andrew started on Monday, we would still be under our Idaho insurance. I called our Idaho insurance company to see what they would cover (even though we're out of state we still have Blue providers). And it turns out that no matter WHERE we are, our insurance wouldn't cover any of it. Not a bit. My new insurance goes into effect on September 1.

So, Chris called the director back and asked if there was any way we could hold off a week and have Andrew start after Labor Day. And she said yes!

Andrew will be starting the school on the Tuesday after Labor Day. He got in. He can do it. He can go to the place God moved us down here for.

There are still some details to work out. I need to be able to get him there at 8:15, even though I have to be at my school at 7:30. And of course, there is still the $420 per month.

But Andrew can GO. He can be at a school where he will receive ABA therapy, speech therapy, music therapy, occupational therapy daily...but that will be able to give him the one-on-one educational focus that he needs. We serve an awesome God who has better plans than we do, and will equip those He calls.

Andrew

Andrew is having a hard time.

Change is hard, and everyone reacts to it differently.

Kadee Joy has her ups and her downs, especially as related to friends. She is still in need of some playmates, and is really feeling the differences between her and her brothers. But she does fine once she's at church, and loves being with her cousins. I think that once school gets started she'll really start to thrive.

Jeffrey is doing remarkably well. He actually seems to be doing better here than he was in Idaho, and I really have no idea why. But then again, he is the happiest in his own little world and has no need for friends (or at least shows no need). He has Andrew, and he seems content with that.

Lukie is doing well. We've moved him into the boys' room, which is especially helpful at night, but poses a bit of a problem during the day when Andrew gets so lonely that he goes in and wakes Luke up.

And then there's Andrew.

He has about 3 major meltdowns a day. He had a HUGE one yesterday at church. It started as soon as we got there when he was supposed to go in his new, age appropriate class. He wanted to go the class that he's been going to...the toddler class. I was grateful that the children's director saw that he needed to be with his peers. The toddler class is basically just for playing and watching Veggie Tales, which I know Andrew would be happier doing. But I want so badly for him to learn how to interact with his peers, and to learn what they are learning. So when we took him to his new class, he refused to go in. He crossed his arms and stood facing the wall next to the door. It took a good ten minutes to get him to go in without dragging him. My fear is that he is starting to realize just how different he is from his peers, and just doesn't know how to interact with them and gets scared.

My poor boy. I want so much for him, and am constantly trying to find the line between making necessary adjustments and necessarily introducing him to activites he isn't comfortable with.

I sent in the application for him to attend the private school God called us down here because I felt led to do it, but I still have NO idea how we are going to pay for it. As of right now, Chris has no job. The private school teaching job fell through, and he is once again praying and trying to discern what he should do next. I see no EARTHLY way of getting Andrew into the school that I know he so desperately needs. Lord provide, please! A way, the funds, a person...I know He has a plan, but I'm feeling a little short of faith today.

With that being said, we had a wonderfully spontaneous trip down to Corpus Christi and Padre Island, right on the Gulf of Mexico. We played on the beach, and got in the water, and Jeffrey especially LOVED playing in the waves. At one point I was able to go out quite a ways by myself. The sun was warm, as was the water (which is always a pleasant surprise to this Oregon-coast bred girl), and I felt very thankful in the knowledge that I was EXACTLY where God had called me to come, and that He had mercifully brought our family here.

I will call upon that memory to remind me now that God called us here for a specific purpose, and that this purpose is backed up with His plan, and He WILL provide for our needs, especially this one that is so dear to my heart.

Lord, thank you for bringing us here. I trust You. Amen.