I'm sitting on my couch in my living room downstairs typing while my boys watch their current favorite movie, Madagascar. A typical Saturday morning.
Except I'm living in Humble (pronounced "UM-bull"), just outside of Houston, TX. Not in San Antonio.
I've just finished my first week of teaching. But it's not in Alamo Heights, the district I thought I would retire in.
It's at a school in the Humble Independent School District. My students could not look more different than my last students, and the expectations for me in my job are very different. It's me, 700 kids, and no teaching partner. So you know...what normal districts do.
In June, I had agreed to start teaching Junior High Sunday School at our church in San Antonio. In July, I had called my teaching partner to discuss when we were having a going away party for one member of our team, and an engagement party for another. I had my kids' teachers all lined up, Kadee Joy was all set for the Junior School, and I was looking forward to a busy summer and then returning to my dream job.
And then, Chris went to NYC. Not New York City. Nazarene Youth Conference in Louisville, Kentucky. He and the youth pastor at our church were taking 5 teens from our church to it with the South Texas district of the Nazarene Church. He would be gone for nine days. Then he would come back for a couple of weeks, we would go to Hawaii with my side of our family, and then it would be back into work mode. He would continue to be a volunteer Associate Pastor at our church and a 4th Grade teacher in the North Side school district, and I would go back to Cambridge.
Except of course, that's not what happened. A couple of days into NYC, he called me.
"I think I may have just gotten a job offer," he said.
"Okay," I said. He's gotten job offers before. "What church?"
"Lake Houston Church of the Nazarene."
Just that morning, I had been trying to have some quiet time and thought to myself, "I really we lived close to a lake." No joke. Never had that thought before.
"Where is that at?," I asked.
"Just outside of Houston."
For as long as I've known him, Chris has wanted to live in Houston. He's an avid sports fan of all Houston teams, having been born there. When I first told him God had told us to move to Texas, he kept asking (non-seriously)if I was sure it was to San Antonio and not to Houston.
But that had nothing to do with my thoughts. As he said it, a sense of excitement and direction hit me. Just as I'd known that all the other job offers were not God's will for us, I knew that this one was.
We continued the conversation, and he told me how he had talked with one of the senior pastors at the church for a long time (there's a lot of down time when you're driving to Kentucky from Texas), how they had shared their life stories with each other, and how eventually it had gotten to where somehow that message that the senior pastor was interested in Chris as the youth pastor the church had been looking for for three and a half years was addressed.
Over the next several days, Chris made strong connections with some of the kids in the South Texas district. He found out later that those kids were from the Lake Houston Church. While he was doing that, I was investigating everything I could about Humble, TX, the town where the church is. I was looking up housing, I was looking up jobs, I was looking up just about everything I could gather from the internet. And the more I read, the more nervous I got. Not because I ever doubted that we should pursue it, but because the full impact of what it would mean to uproot from the life we lived in San Antonio was hitting me hard. I also was struggling with the logistics of moving. We still had a year left on our lease. It was July, and we would be leaving for Hawaii soon. I would be leaving so many ends untied at my school with my teaching partner who I could not imagine leaving. And our church! We were so involved in our church. It felt unfair to leave so suddenly.
Chris got back from NYC, and then a day or two later, the senior pastor and his wife (who had already been in contact with me) drove over to San Antonio to have a more in depth conversation. We talked for about three hours. The position would only be part time to start out because that was what the church could afford. At one point, the detail/reality side of me took over, and I brought up the logistical issues. I brought up the lease. If we broke our lease, there was no way we could find housing. If Chris was only part time, I would have to have a music teaching job, and those are typically not easy to find, particularly in July, and definitely not in August if we waited to make a decision until we got back from Hawaii. And I could not imagine how we could get our kids prepared in so short a time to make such a big change, particularly Kadee Joy. She was so excited about Junior School, had friends, and I knew would be in an outstanding school. I asked if waiting until next June would be an option. They both said that it would be less than ideal, but that if Chris was the guy, then they would wait for him.
Once we got back to the house, I told Chris that I really thought it would make more sense to wait until June. The terms of our short sale from Idaho were such that after November we would be able to purchase a house. It would make much more sense for us to finish out our lease, save up for a down payment, and then just buy a house in Humble rather than rent. I also felt it would give us time to really prepare for a move, and for our kids to prepare especially.
And I kept this fight up. With Chris. With myself. And for sure with God. I wrestled with him for 3 days. Arguing, pleading, negotiating. On the second day, I called our realtor and had her check to see if there was any way we could get out of our lease. She called back saying that we could get out of it, but at a significant financial price. I hung up feeling like that was our answer. And then Chris called the senior pastor, who assured us that the church would cover the cost of any loss. More wrestling, more struggling.
And then, late in the night of the 3rd day, God gave me a vision. One of the things my investigating had brought up was a school in the Humble school district where there was a music teacher opening. I had found a Facebook page featuring the Honor Choir and Percussion Ensemble, and knew that it was way out of my league. I knew that I could not get the job. It freaked me out to even think of it.
But the vision...I saw it as clear as day. It was me, with a group of students behind me getting ready to do a performance...and I knew it was the kids from Humble.
And that was all I needed. I woke up a few hours later, told Chris that I was calling my administrator, called her in tears, and then resigned my job. Then I called my teaching partner...and told her...and that was even harder. And being a good friend, she tried to talk me out of it. :) But I assured her that I knew that this was God wanted us to do. In between calls, I told Chris what I was doing. After panicking a little, he called the senior pastor and told him our decision to come. I started applying for jobs in three different districts, one in Humble, and then two outside of Humble.
I should mention that Chris had not been officially offered the job yet. The board and the other senior pastor were aware of the conversations that had been going on, but had not yet met Chris. After Chris called, it was determined that we should come to Humble immediately to meet with the staff of the church. Some of them knew Chris from NYC, but most did not. Our family went over. We toured the church, and then went to lunch. At some point during lunch, the other senior pastor asked what I was thinking about everything. I told him I had already resigned my job. He was rather shocked by this, and I asked if he thought we were crazy. He SAID he thought it was awesome (although he may have been thinking something else). I told him that it was cool if they decided that we weren't the ones...we were going to come anyway. :)
We drove back home. There were four very silent, nerve-wracking days where Chris had no official job offer, and I had no job prospects. Then on Thursday, July 24, I got an email from the New Caney District asking me to come in and interview. We ended up meeting with a large group from the church on Sunday night, and then we woke up early the next morning so that I could go interview. I thought the interview went fairly well, but felt a little discouraged by what the job would be. And in the back of my head, the vision of the kids from the other school was still there.
We drove back to San Antonio. I was told that I would hear about the job by the end of the week. It was Monday, and we were flying out to Hawaii that night. When we got home, Chris came to the realization that he would need to be bi-vocational, and so he began to apply for teaching jobs.
About two hours before we were supposed to leave for the airport, I got a call that I thought was from the principal from New Caney. Instead, it was the principal from the school in Humble. She had just gotten the email that I had sent to her and wanted to know if I could come in for an interview. I told her that we were actually leaving for Hawaii, and wouldn't be back for almost two weeks. She asked if I would be willing to do a phone interview, which of course I said I would. She said she would need to pull a few staff members for the interview and then would call me back. Surrounded by luggage, I did the phone interview. I cannot tell you how much better I felt about that job interview than I did about the other. About 20 minutes after the interview, she called me back, telling me that my references were so strong that she wanted to offer me the job immediately. With the vision at the front of my mind, and said yes. About 20 minutes later, I got another job offer from New Caney. I had to tell her no, and she groaned, saying that "her rival" had stolen another teacher from her. Turns out she is the wife of the Superintendent of my school district. Apparently he slept on the couch that night.
About 10 minutes after that, I got another email and phone call asking for an interview in the third school district I had applied yet. I told them I had just been hired, but thanked them for thinking of me. I finished packing, and with a huge sense of peace and relief in my heart, we got on the plane.
But God wasn't done yet. While in Hawaii, Chris got called for an interview in the same district I had just been hired at. While I was interviewing, I had asked my administrator which school she would recommend for our boys. She named a school that was close to mine. The school Chris was called by was the same school she had recommended. He interview over Skype the next day, and was offered the job.
Meanwhile, the church was moving forward with officially calling Chris as the youth pastor. After an amazing trip to Hawaii, we began packing up our house and drove back to Humble to look for housing. We found one, put in application, and then had several impatient days of waiting to hear if we had gotten the house. We knew we would be moving on Saturday, and didn't find out that we had actually gotten the house until the Thursday before.
After saying many tearful goodbyes, we moved. Our new church family came and moved us from San Antonio and into our new home. We went to church the next day, and then Chris and I started our new teaching jobs the day after that.
God has been so faithful in accomplishing all that needed to be accomplished. We know, we know, we know, we know that none of this would have been possible without his hand in it. While the adjustment has not been easy, he has put so many people in our paths to encourage, support, and come alongside us. From childcare, to meals, to cleaning, to coffee (SO IMPORTANT), and in helping us understand the ways of our new jobs, he has sent us people who absolutely have been His hands and feet.
And now we're here. I miss San Antonio, our dear friends and coworkers, and many aspects of our old schools and church. But I also have a great sense of excitement and challenge in facing the new opportunities we have been given. Thank you for your prayers, your support, and your love. Our kids are adjusting really well to their new schools, loving our new church, and Chris and I are grateful to be exactly where God has called us to be. In that, we know there is no better place to be.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Disabled
In order to help build an informational foundation for Andrew as he moves forward in public education, his educational team has (with my approval) been putting him through a battery of tests. He's been tested for speech (needs help), OT (needs help), and most recently, intelligence.
I don't know why this one's results caught me off guard, but it did, and not only did the results catch me off guard, but they kind of brought back the early days of his diagnosis of autism...and not in a good way.
Andrew was classified as Intellectually Disabled. He scored quite poorly on almost everything. And not just poorly...he scored in the <1 percentile in many of them. Reading what this meant for Andrew was not the problem. The accommodations suggested were things we've been doing with Andrew his whole life...simplified vocabulary, one-two step directions, visual cues, modeling. But the "intellectually disabled" label...that threw me. No, actually, it pushed me down on to my knees and then sat on me. I should be good at this by now. I should know that a series of tests with scripted questions given by a stranger cannot possibly sum up who my Andrew is. I know that labels are meant to help explain the why's. And yet, for a brief time, it did sum up who he was, and I hurt. I hurt for Andrew. I hurt for what his future became with those two words. It was explained to me that this is a good thing...it will open him up for so many more community services when he finishes with school. It will provide a good record so that he can qualify for assistance throughout his life. But, selfishly, I don't want him to have to qualify for those things in order to be more independent. I want him to reach a point where he can do anything he wants without needing assistance. And not because I mind providing that assistance, or trying to find it. I kind of feel like that's my job as a mom anyway, and just becomes a little more intense having children with autism. I just want him to be able to achieve anything any other person could Shortly after (actually, about five minutes later), I ran into another mom of a beautiful boy with autism. I said everything I was feeling, and she reminded me of what I already knew, and what I've told so many other moms with special needs children...This paper changes nothing. It does not make Andrew any different than he was before the testing results were shared with me. And it cannot POSSIBLY say who Andrew is. No testing can do that. And certainly, no testing can predict what he will do in his life, and how much he will grow. I know. I KNOW. I KNOW.
It is the season for giving thanks. It is not the season for despair.
Andrew is different. But Andrew is not less.
Andrew is silly. Andrew is loving. Andrew is affectionate. Andrew will work hard for praise. Andrew wants to do the right thing. Andrew wants others to do the right thing. Andrew hurts for others. Andrew loves his family. Andrew is a wonderful big brother. Andrew is a wonderful little brother. Andrew is sensitive. Andrew says inappropriate things from movies sometimes. Andrew says perfectly appropriate things from movies sometimes.
Andrew is a good speller. Andrew has terrible handwriting. Andrew is a great runner. Andrew loves to play. Andrew cannot sit still. Andrew claims people poke him when they don't. Andrew laughs at things other people can't see. Andrew can now explain what he's laughing at, and 10 times out of 10 it is a scene from a movie he is seeing in his head.
Andrew still eats a very limited number of things. Andrew eats more variety than he used to. Andrew has friends. Andrew's friends still are trying to figure him out. Andrew loves the computer. Andrew doesn't love to write because it is painful to his hands. Andrew is getting therapy for his handwriting. Andrew has a hard time in Art. Andrew can have a hard time in music. Andrew loves to sing. Andrew does not love for others to watch him sing.
Andrew has to work much, much harder than most kids at following very basic social and academic rules.
Andrew gets tired of trying. Andrew keeps trying anyway.
Andrew is beautiful. Andrew has my big teeth. Andrew has his daddy's big lips.
Andrew is a gift from God. Andrew inspires me daily.
My world is better for having Andrew as a son.
Thank you, dear Lord, for Andrew.
I don't know his future, but I know that You have it in Your hands.
You made him as he is.
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:13-16
I don't know why this one's results caught me off guard, but it did, and not only did the results catch me off guard, but they kind of brought back the early days of his diagnosis of autism...and not in a good way.
Andrew was classified as Intellectually Disabled. He scored quite poorly on almost everything. And not just poorly...he scored in the <1 percentile in many of them. Reading what this meant for Andrew was not the problem. The accommodations suggested were things we've been doing with Andrew his whole life...simplified vocabulary, one-two step directions, visual cues, modeling. But the "intellectually disabled" label...that threw me. No, actually, it pushed me down on to my knees and then sat on me. I should be good at this by now. I should know that a series of tests with scripted questions given by a stranger cannot possibly sum up who my Andrew is. I know that labels are meant to help explain the why's. And yet, for a brief time, it did sum up who he was, and I hurt. I hurt for Andrew. I hurt for what his future became with those two words. It was explained to me that this is a good thing...it will open him up for so many more community services when he finishes with school. It will provide a good record so that he can qualify for assistance throughout his life. But, selfishly, I don't want him to have to qualify for those things in order to be more independent. I want him to reach a point where he can do anything he wants without needing assistance. And not because I mind providing that assistance, or trying to find it. I kind of feel like that's my job as a mom anyway, and just becomes a little more intense having children with autism. I just want him to be able to achieve anything any other person could Shortly after (actually, about five minutes later), I ran into another mom of a beautiful boy with autism. I said everything I was feeling, and she reminded me of what I already knew, and what I've told so many other moms with special needs children...This paper changes nothing. It does not make Andrew any different than he was before the testing results were shared with me. And it cannot POSSIBLY say who Andrew is. No testing can do that. And certainly, no testing can predict what he will do in his life, and how much he will grow. I know. I KNOW. I KNOW.
It is the season for giving thanks. It is not the season for despair.
Andrew is different. But Andrew is not less.
Andrew is silly. Andrew is loving. Andrew is affectionate. Andrew will work hard for praise. Andrew wants to do the right thing. Andrew wants others to do the right thing. Andrew hurts for others. Andrew loves his family. Andrew is a wonderful big brother. Andrew is a wonderful little brother. Andrew is sensitive. Andrew says inappropriate things from movies sometimes. Andrew says perfectly appropriate things from movies sometimes.
Andrew is a good speller. Andrew has terrible handwriting. Andrew is a great runner. Andrew loves to play. Andrew cannot sit still. Andrew claims people poke him when they don't. Andrew laughs at things other people can't see. Andrew can now explain what he's laughing at, and 10 times out of 10 it is a scene from a movie he is seeing in his head.
Andrew still eats a very limited number of things. Andrew eats more variety than he used to. Andrew has friends. Andrew's friends still are trying to figure him out. Andrew loves the computer. Andrew doesn't love to write because it is painful to his hands. Andrew is getting therapy for his handwriting. Andrew has a hard time in Art. Andrew can have a hard time in music. Andrew loves to sing. Andrew does not love for others to watch him sing.
Andrew has to work much, much harder than most kids at following very basic social and academic rules.
Andrew gets tired of trying. Andrew keeps trying anyway.
Andrew is beautiful. Andrew has my big teeth. Andrew has his daddy's big lips.
Andrew is a gift from God. Andrew inspires me daily.
My world is better for having Andrew as a son.
Thank you, dear Lord, for Andrew.
I don't know his future, but I know that You have it in Your hands.
You made him as he is.
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:13-16
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Old and New
Fall. Kind of. You know, in a South Texas, still 95 degrees kind of way.
School has started back up again and all three of my school-aged children are at Cambridge with me. I have every single one of them in music class with me. And I LOVE it.
Kadee Joy is such a beautiful girl, inside and out. She wants to make everyone feel comfortable, included, and important, and she does what she can to make that happen in each new school situation. She is still very much a kid, which I also love. She's under a lot of pressure to become boy crazy, fashion forward, and cool...and she lets everyone know that she just wants to be her. Not sure where she got that confidence, but I am grateful for it.
Andrew is in a public school setting for the first time since kindergarten and is transitioning remarkably well. I was full of fear right before school started. I didn't know how he would handle the many new situations he would encounter, and I didn't know what the students I love would make of the son I love. He has handled each new situation beautifully, which I attribute to the great hearts and helping hands of the many teachers who surround him daily. They have made him feel comfortable and built up his confidence. One of his biggest areas of strength has been in PE. Oddly enough, he has excellent hand eye coordination, and has been surprising his classmates on a daily basis with his speed and ability to dominate games. :) His classmates have really stepped up in encouraging him and helping him, and I am so glad that they have contributed to his smooth transition.
Jeffrey has had a great start, and is surrounded (again) by teachers and classmates who love him. He caused a big stir yesterday when he stood on one of the ramps leading out from the building and screeeeeeeaaaaaaammmmed! Teachers surrounded him and found...that he had lost his first tooth. He had been perseverating on it's looseness for many days, so it was a relief when it came out. He now wants "a new tooth" to replace his "empty tooth." Losing teeth only to gain new ones really is an odd concept when you think about it.
And then there's Luke. He's a typical two year old...He can be sweet, affectionate, and compliant one second and then turn devious, physical, and obstinate the next. It's a good thing he's cute. He still seems to be developing normally (both physically and mentally) and goes to the same daycare he's been going to for the last year and a half. Chris takes him there now, so I don't know too much of how he does, but we've had no biting reports so I'm satisfied.
Chris is in his fourth year of teaching. The difference between his class sizes in Idaho vs. here is ridiculous. He has 19 students in his 4th grade class (compared with the 36 he had his last year in Idaho), and has so far really enjoyed each of them . There have been so many times when I wish I could just be a fly on the wall and see him teach...one day perhaps, when we don't have to use all of our sick and personal days on our family's health. He's also recently become an associate pastor at our church and is set for the last part in receiving his district ordination in January. I am grateful to be part of a church who lives out reconciliation and rebuilding, and I am so incredibly proud of my husband and his obedience to the One who set out a path for him to receive both.
Besides starting my twelfth(!) year of teaching, I am heading into Christmas Cantata season. This year, with the help of my friend Sunshine, I grabbed onto a BEAUTIFUL Celtic Cantata that I will be directing, starting this Wednesday. I'm super excited about it.
Right before the school year started, our family went on the longest vacation we've ever taken together to Idaho and Oregon. It was marvelous. It was so rejuvenating to see friends and family who have been with us through the best and worst of times. When we were in Idaho we were able to hang out with so many friends with whom hanging out was just...EASY. So easy. They knew us well, knew where we came from, knew what we'd been through, just knew US.
I love living here in Texas. I know this is where I'm supposed to be, and I know this is where my family is supposed to be. I love the weather, the culture, the welcoming people, the education...
But I do miss the ease of my old friendships. Friend-making down here has been hard. Not hard to develop acquaintances. Not hard to find people to invite over for meals. Not hard in having a team that I work with who I feel I can be myself with. Not hard in finding church people to connect with.
Friend making has been hard in the sense that I still have very few people I would feel comfortable with just calling and talking with just because. Or even calling to hang out one on one. I feel like there are some people who make friends so easily, and who can just open up and be themselves and have no problem just hanging with people they've only been friends with for short while.
For me, friendships take time...lots of time. Like, years sometimes. And I think that's why it was so easy in Idaho. So many of those friendships were developed over the course of years, sometimes even decades. I could just pick up with them where I'd left off and it was fine...
Here, building relationships take a ton of effort, and many don't even work out. There have been so many times where I have made plans with someone and they cancel last minute leaving me feeling defeated. They probably have easy friendships to go to...I just don't yet.
I see the same things with my kids. They are doing remarkably well in so many areas, but they really don't have friends with whom they have a strong, easy bond with. Not yet, anyway.
So I'll make myself vulnerable on this one...please pray for friends. For me. For my kids. Friends that are encouraging, loyal, and who GET us. And friends who are here. We have old friends whom I love and cherish, and who have stood the test of time. I have no doubt that I have connections with people for whom a friendship like this is possible. This is what's been on my mind and heart, and this is what I would ask your prayers for. And thank you to those of you who are here, and who have been extending welcoming hands to our family.
School has started back up again and all three of my school-aged children are at Cambridge with me. I have every single one of them in music class with me. And I LOVE it.
Kadee Joy is such a beautiful girl, inside and out. She wants to make everyone feel comfortable, included, and important, and she does what she can to make that happen in each new school situation. She is still very much a kid, which I also love. She's under a lot of pressure to become boy crazy, fashion forward, and cool...and she lets everyone know that she just wants to be her. Not sure where she got that confidence, but I am grateful for it.
Andrew is in a public school setting for the first time since kindergarten and is transitioning remarkably well. I was full of fear right before school started. I didn't know how he would handle the many new situations he would encounter, and I didn't know what the students I love would make of the son I love. He has handled each new situation beautifully, which I attribute to the great hearts and helping hands of the many teachers who surround him daily. They have made him feel comfortable and built up his confidence. One of his biggest areas of strength has been in PE. Oddly enough, he has excellent hand eye coordination, and has been surprising his classmates on a daily basis with his speed and ability to dominate games. :) His classmates have really stepped up in encouraging him and helping him, and I am so glad that they have contributed to his smooth transition.
Jeffrey has had a great start, and is surrounded (again) by teachers and classmates who love him. He caused a big stir yesterday when he stood on one of the ramps leading out from the building and screeeeeeeaaaaaaammmmed! Teachers surrounded him and found...that he had lost his first tooth. He had been perseverating on it's looseness for many days, so it was a relief when it came out. He now wants "a new tooth" to replace his "empty tooth." Losing teeth only to gain new ones really is an odd concept when you think about it.
And then there's Luke. He's a typical two year old...He can be sweet, affectionate, and compliant one second and then turn devious, physical, and obstinate the next. It's a good thing he's cute. He still seems to be developing normally (both physically and mentally) and goes to the same daycare he's been going to for the last year and a half. Chris takes him there now, so I don't know too much of how he does, but we've had no biting reports so I'm satisfied.
Chris is in his fourth year of teaching. The difference between his class sizes in Idaho vs. here is ridiculous. He has 19 students in his 4th grade class (compared with the 36 he had his last year in Idaho), and has so far really enjoyed each of them . There have been so many times when I wish I could just be a fly on the wall and see him teach...one day perhaps, when we don't have to use all of our sick and personal days on our family's health. He's also recently become an associate pastor at our church and is set for the last part in receiving his district ordination in January. I am grateful to be part of a church who lives out reconciliation and rebuilding, and I am so incredibly proud of my husband and his obedience to the One who set out a path for him to receive both.
Besides starting my twelfth(!) year of teaching, I am heading into Christmas Cantata season. This year, with the help of my friend Sunshine, I grabbed onto a BEAUTIFUL Celtic Cantata that I will be directing, starting this Wednesday. I'm super excited about it.
Right before the school year started, our family went on the longest vacation we've ever taken together to Idaho and Oregon. It was marvelous. It was so rejuvenating to see friends and family who have been with us through the best and worst of times. When we were in Idaho we were able to hang out with so many friends with whom hanging out was just...EASY. So easy. They knew us well, knew where we came from, knew what we'd been through, just knew US.
I love living here in Texas. I know this is where I'm supposed to be, and I know this is where my family is supposed to be. I love the weather, the culture, the welcoming people, the education...
But I do miss the ease of my old friendships. Friend-making down here has been hard. Not hard to develop acquaintances. Not hard to find people to invite over for meals. Not hard in having a team that I work with who I feel I can be myself with. Not hard in finding church people to connect with.
Friend making has been hard in the sense that I still have very few people I would feel comfortable with just calling and talking with just because. Or even calling to hang out one on one. I feel like there are some people who make friends so easily, and who can just open up and be themselves and have no problem just hanging with people they've only been friends with for short while.
For me, friendships take time...lots of time. Like, years sometimes. And I think that's why it was so easy in Idaho. So many of those friendships were developed over the course of years, sometimes even decades. I could just pick up with them where I'd left off and it was fine...
Here, building relationships take a ton of effort, and many don't even work out. There have been so many times where I have made plans with someone and they cancel last minute leaving me feeling defeated. They probably have easy friendships to go to...I just don't yet.
I see the same things with my kids. They are doing remarkably well in so many areas, but they really don't have friends with whom they have a strong, easy bond with. Not yet, anyway.
So I'll make myself vulnerable on this one...please pray for friends. For me. For my kids. Friends that are encouraging, loyal, and who GET us. And friends who are here. We have old friends whom I love and cherish, and who have stood the test of time. I have no doubt that I have connections with people for whom a friendship like this is possible. This is what's been on my mind and heart, and this is what I would ask your prayers for. And thank you to those of you who are here, and who have been extending welcoming hands to our family.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
What life is like.
I'm awake early in our new house. Not exactly by choice but because Jeffrey just CANNOT PLAY QUIETLY. Short screams of frustration, intermittent giggles, and the endless monologue of movie quotes make it impossible for meto ignore him. The two year old can't ignore it either, which is why "Mommy!!!!!" breaks into my dreams as well. The two year old is crazy enough to have earned the nickname "Honey Badger." But Honey Badger has not yet figured out that he is perfectly capable of escaping from his crib, and at this stage in motherhood I am certainly not going to be the one to inform him.
Andrew wanders into my room. He's trying to escape the noise as well. His giggles and running monologue keep the other boys awake too, but at night, not in the morning, and has not been as extreme during summer. So he is seeking the sleep he couldn't get at the beginning of the night or in the wee hours of this morning. He's getting too big to join both of us in bed, but he'll settle for snuggling with Daddy while I try to give the rest of the house a few more moments of sleep. Jeffrey, Luke and I head downstairs for breakfast. Jeffrey requests popcorn, which he would have for every meal if I let him, but I convince him to request something else, so buttered toast(es) and applesauce is what we agree on. Luke requests the same because he always wants what his brothers have.
(Jeffrey has listened to my typing, come over to the screen, and begun reading what I'm typing. "I love popcorn!" "Jeffrey...that's ME!!!" "Mommy, can Jeffrey sit with Mommy?" This mix of first person and third person is a continuing speech problem that we're working on...sometimes we have to speak to Jeffrey in third person that he actually understands what we want him to do.)
Kadee Joy is blissfully unaware during the most severe of thunder and lightning storms, so her sleep is not at all disturbed by our breakfast making and eating. Moving to the new house has brought her within a few blocks of her BFF, so during the day she is either with her BFF, her BFF is with us, or she's making plans on how to arrange another visit with her.
(Jeffrey interjects into my typing in a whisper, "Mommy...I love you.")
Luke is enamored with transportation and the cartoons closely related to them. Thomas the Tank Engine and Cars are his particular favorites. He's playing with "Vader" (Mater) and Doc. Daddy's love of Star Wars makes names that are close to any of it's characters morph into one's that Luke is familiar with. I've tried to tell Luke that the tow truck is "Mater" not "Darth Vader", but it doesn't seem to matter.
The boys are all in one room. It seems to be working well. I'm typing in the office/playroom, which is why Luke, who normally wants to be at my side at all times, is content to play while I compose this post. Jeffrey loves the computer (and me!) too much to be parted from either when they are available. So he's still here, sitting comfortably squished in the computer chair watching everything I type.
Shortly after my last blog post (and by shortly, I mean within a couple of days), a realtor who had been on the lookout for a house for family (she is the parent of two of my students) came across the one we're now in. We had been told that Andrew would only be able to go to my school if we were within it's borders...not just the district's borders. This one was on the market to be sold or rented...we put in an application within 24 hours of it being placed and wonderfully got it on a two year lease. It's half a mile from my school. I've never lived so close to a school I teach at. My kids have never lived so close to a school they've attended. We love this house so far. Thank you, Lord, for putting it in our reach.
We loved Andrew's old school. He made so much progress. One of the shortcomings of it was the collection of data as to where he is academically. They know where he is, and we know where he is, but that info is not put into a format that transfers well into the public school system. This is what I will be working on this summer (among other things).
Chris has yet to really start a summer break. His church duties, moving duties, and duties as a husband and father have given him little time to relax. Yesterday we had a beautiful morning outside on our deck. The kids played freely and "helped" Daddy when it was time to grill for lunch. We've made a little haven on our deck and call it Cantina Del Tiner. It was lovely. Then Chris went and helped a friend from church move.
(Jeffrey is reminding me, "It's almost Jeffrey's turn.....")
I get this reminder about 400 times a day regarding various electronics. Uncle Aaron has a plan to teach Jeffrey and Andrew code so that they can come work for him. I think Jeffrey especially would thrive on this, but I would worry that his already limited interest in the outside world would become non-existent.
(Luke is keeping up a constant list of requests, all punctuated with "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" Both boys want to be in the chair with Mommy.)
So many people ask if my boys don't like to be hugged...to which I can thankfully reply that quite the opposite is true. I'm afraid we're going to have to start teaching appropriate boundaries for hugging people in general.
(Luke got his hand squished by Jeffrey sitting on them. This is because Luke is trying to drive his cars on the chair that both Jeffrey and I are sitting on. Car sounds (that are more like growls) add to the soundtrack Jeffrey had started to provide. "Mommy, I want up!" No third person for Luke. "Me!" and "I want" and "Mine" come easily to him. Now Luke is stuck under the armrest of the chair. "Mommy, help!!!" And now all three of us are sitting in the chair.)
Andrew wants to go the pool. Always. Kadee Joy got to go with her BFF yesterday to the Alamo Heights pool. Our family will have to find an alternative water source because we can't currently afford the $475 it costs for our family to be able to use the pool. We've been to one this week at another friend from church's community pool. It was just me and the four kids with my friend and her two little ones along with other community members. I was primarily on Luke duty until another dad informed me that Jeffrey was trying to get into a little floating boat that did not to belong to him, and subsequently gotten into it upside down. The mom next to him also informed me that she was worried because Jeffrey was shivering so much. I don't think she got that a little boy with two percent body fat shivers while in the pool regardless of how long he's in there. Chris arrived shortly after this and sat in the sun with Jeffrey, who stopped shivering about 10 minutes later.
(Luke turns his face toward me and gives me a kiss. It's slobbery, but I'll take it. Jeffrey is reminding me again, "It's almost Jeffrey's turn, Mom...")
I had several friends at work with children who graduated this year. One day, when I was returning from bus duty, they saw Jeffrey running towards me wanting a hug. "Oh, cherish these days!," one of them said. "Before you know it, they'll be graduating from high school!"
(Luke turns his face toward me again and plants another kiss on me. Jeffrey is giving quiet growls of frustration. He will do ANYTHING to be able to use electronics. Luke leans into me and I give him a hug. "Thanks for hugs," says, and then goes back to driving Doc on the computer desk.)
Obviously it's time to go. If anything, this post has reminded me how much my kids crave and enjoy my attention. I lead a blessed life. Thank you all for your prayers in our efforts to find a house that would allow Andrew to come to my school. God is faithful, Andrew is enrolled, and we are grateful for Him once again providing for our needs.
(Jeffrey wraps his arms around my stomach and gives me a hug.)
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Now what?
In March of this year, I headed to Andrew's school for a monthly meeting regarding his progress. I don't get to make it to all of these meetings because of my own school schedule, but when I do get to go they're usually helpful.
At the beginning of the meeting, I was asked a simple question. "So, is there anything that's on your mind?" I answered with what is almost always on my mind. "I just want to make sure that we're doing everything we can for Andrew."
I was NOT prepared for what came out of the wonderful woman who acts as a coordinator and advocate for Andrew. "You know, it's interesting that you would say that. Andrew's teacher and I have been discussing it. Andrew is the highest student in his classroom academically. He is doing VERY well. The main things he needs to work on are social and behavioral skills, which he needs neurotypical peers for. We think he is ready to move into public school. "
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to feel. After a few moments of processing, I grasped at a few stray thoughts I was having about when he should start, what kind of paperwork would need to be done and asked them aloud....but all the while I was thinking, "We moved down here for THIS SCHOOL. What are we doing down here if Andrew's not even going to be attending here?"
At the end of the meeting I got the kids and met Chris just as he was arriving from his school. I gave him the news. Then he pretty much echoed the same thoughts I'd had. "What are we DOING here?"
So I called some of the wise people in my life and posed those questions to them. The incredible thing was their response. "Wait, you're saying that in just two years, Andrew has progressed to the point of being able to be put into a mainstreamed classroom? That is AWESOME! Do you think he would have been able to do that in Idaho?" To which respond (because I know), "You're right. There's no way he would have."
Beyond that, though, I also know that God has grown US. Our whole family.
Chris, my wonderful Chris, has grown and grown and grown spiritually, relationally, and professionally. He is a different man from when we first moved to Texas, and he was already pretty amazing then.
Kadee Joy has grown leaps and bounds academically, socially, musically, (speaking of which she'll be playing Taylor in our school's production of High School Musical in a few weeks!)and spiritually.
Jeffrey is in a mainstream classroom and is doing SO WELL. He's in a school where kids adore him, and where his teachers are constantly praising him and encouraging him.
Luke is so healthy, so smart, so...two year old-ish.
And I am happy. The sun, the heat, the warm people of this great state, my church, and my school have all been so good to me. My job in particular has been very stretching, in the best possible way.
And Andrew...what's next for him?
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For those Idaho friends reading, I should clarify at this point that we are NOT moving back to Idaho. Or the Pacific Northwest. We do not feel God calling us to do that. We still feel a very strong call to our church here in San Antonio, and have not felt released from that calling. So if any of you want to move down here....
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As soon as I realized that public school was going to be a reality for him this next school year, I started speaking with my colleagues and administrators about it. Currently, Jeffrey and Kadee Joy attend my school on a tuition waiver because I teach at the school. However, this is only allowed if the student does not need more than a "regular" child would need in order to attend. In other words, behavior has to be solid, and they can't require additional staff to meet their needs.
Andrew does NOT fit into that pre-requisite. His academics are much better than we ever hoped for, but he will most likely need an aide with him in the general ed classroom. So, he was denied entrance into my school as a tuition waiver student, which was hard. No mom wants to be told that her child is too "needy" for the school. With that being said, I really do get the financial constraints school districts face.
So! with that being said, we still know my district well enough to know that it is absolutely where we want Andrew to attend. We're looking at moving (again!) into my district. This is a little tricky because housing in my district is RIDICULOUSLY expensive, and it's all due to my school district being as good as it is. When I mentioned tuition before, we have around 100 students who do not live in district who pay tuition in order to attend my school district because it has such a quality reputation. Would I have known this had God not brought me to my job? Of course not. We moved down here in order to give our boys the best possible chance at being able to fulfill whatever calling God places on their lives...and having found a place where they can be nurtured, encouraged, AND learn behaviors from neurotypical children fits that goal.
Andrew moving back into the public school system is scary...he's been so happy at his little school. He is doing wonderfully well, but still acts so DIFFERENTLY from neurotypical kids. I don't know what they'll make of him. I don't know what the staff will make of him. I only know that God has been faithful and grown Andrew well over the last two years, and believe that He will be with him and continue to grow him in this new stage of life. Please pray for us! Pray for our housing situation, pray for our transition (AGAIN), and please, please pray for our dear Andrew.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Sloth
I generally don't take New Year's resolutions very seriously. In fact, I usually just randomly come up with something if someone happens to ask on New Year's Eve.
This year is different. I feel God calling me to wage war against a particular sin in my life. A deadly sin. The sin of sloth.
I had a vague understanding of sloth when I felt God calling me to fight it. I think the main definition that came to mind was "laziness." In reading more about it, I find that it's bigger than that...It's a failure to do the things that one should do. It's a failure to use one's talents and gifts. And most importantly, it's a CHOICE to fail in those things.
I've had several years of sloth/laziness now. Or maybe it's been a lifelong struggle. I'm not sure. But this past year it has been destructive to my health, my family, and my faith.
If given a choice of activities, I will almost always choose sleep (if it's an option). It could be a lingering effect of depression, which is what my doctor thinks. Or it could be a result of the low, low, low, low, low amount of time I spend exercising. My body feels like a physical example of sloth. This results in my kids eating quickly made food at the last minute, homework being swiftly signed at the last minute, more TV time than I know is healthy for me, dishes and laundry piling up, and very little energy to put into caring for my husband. But I've come to be convicted of the fact that my sloth is my choice. And I have chosen it over the people and things I love for too long.
Chris feels the brunt of this sin. And he has for a while now. He picks up the pieces that I leave behind as I lay down for yet another nap, or as I go to bed hours before he and the kids are ready to. He sees what I put into my work (which is actually a lot) and compares it to what I put into my home. And the difference is sad.
The real big problem is the problem of spiritual sloth. It's hard to listen to God or to read His Word if you're constantly in a state of either being asleep or wishing you were asleep. As my physical sloth has increased, so has my spiritual sloth. And my spiritual sloth feeds into my feeling of overwhelming fatigue.
So this year, starting this morning as I heard Luke calling for me, I choose to ask God to help me wage a war against the sin that is most destructive in my life. I ask for your prayers in this battle. The virtue meant to fight sloth is diligence. So I ask that you pray for me to have and to use diligence. In all things. All the time. But especially as regards my faith and my family. God deserves much better from me. So does my family. And so do I.
"...but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:31
This year is different. I feel God calling me to wage war against a particular sin in my life. A deadly sin. The sin of sloth.
I had a vague understanding of sloth when I felt God calling me to fight it. I think the main definition that came to mind was "laziness." In reading more about it, I find that it's bigger than that...It's a failure to do the things that one should do. It's a failure to use one's talents and gifts. And most importantly, it's a CHOICE to fail in those things.
I've had several years of sloth/laziness now. Or maybe it's been a lifelong struggle. I'm not sure. But this past year it has been destructive to my health, my family, and my faith.
If given a choice of activities, I will almost always choose sleep (if it's an option). It could be a lingering effect of depression, which is what my doctor thinks. Or it could be a result of the low, low, low, low, low amount of time I spend exercising. My body feels like a physical example of sloth. This results in my kids eating quickly made food at the last minute, homework being swiftly signed at the last minute, more TV time than I know is healthy for me, dishes and laundry piling up, and very little energy to put into caring for my husband. But I've come to be convicted of the fact that my sloth is my choice. And I have chosen it over the people and things I love for too long.
Chris feels the brunt of this sin. And he has for a while now. He picks up the pieces that I leave behind as I lay down for yet another nap, or as I go to bed hours before he and the kids are ready to. He sees what I put into my work (which is actually a lot) and compares it to what I put into my home. And the difference is sad.
The real big problem is the problem of spiritual sloth. It's hard to listen to God or to read His Word if you're constantly in a state of either being asleep or wishing you were asleep. As my physical sloth has increased, so has my spiritual sloth. And my spiritual sloth feeds into my feeling of overwhelming fatigue.
So this year, starting this morning as I heard Luke calling for me, I choose to ask God to help me wage a war against the sin that is most destructive in my life. I ask for your prayers in this battle. The virtue meant to fight sloth is diligence. So I ask that you pray for me to have and to use diligence. In all things. All the time. But especially as regards my faith and my family. God deserves much better from me. So does my family. And so do I.
"...but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:31
Saturday, December 14, 2013
What We've Got
For the first time in a long time, we have a child with a bad case of normal.
Tomorrow, Luke will turn two. The is D-day for us, the day I've been dreading since our ultrasound told us we were having a boy. That same day, an article was published with new stats on autism...and the scariest stat was the one that confirmed that a child with two siblings who had autism (particularly those who were boys) had a 1 in 3 chance of developing autism.
But Luke doesn't have it. He points. He talks. He plays with toys appropriately. He interacts normally with other children. He names people easily. He eats food normally. He sleeps normally. He throws tantrums...normally.
I remember when people would tell me, "Well, what is normal, really? There's no such thing as NORMAL." I know you're trying to be PC, but believe me, no parent of a special needs child would deny that there is, vaguely of course, "normal." The gut feeling that they get when they see their "quirky" child do (or not do) things that seemingly all the other children the same age as their child are not (or are) doing tells them so and only gets more extreme as the gap does as well.
And Luke is, for all intents and purposes, NORMAL. He loves trucks and cars. He loves wrestling (which is particularly upsetting to Jeffrey). He loves creating chaos (as opposed to finding even peaceful settings chaotic and worth avoiding). He accepts snuggling, but does not seek it out constantly. He already can follow verbal directions better than Jeffrey.
He WANTS to be independent. Andrew and Jeffrey would probably still be totally okay with me dressing them everyday, and there are some days when I still have to. Luke gets mad when I try to and grabs the clothes away from me so that he can do it.
Luke calls me Mommy. And has for a long time.
This is what I prayed for. This is what I wanted. This is what I cried for when I held my newborn Luke in my arms. I remember covering Luke with my tears as I whispered my dreams of him becoming a doctor so that he could help his brothers. And even if he doesn't do so, the difference of me knowing at his two year old birthday that he COULD is so very different than either of his brother's two year old birthdays.
Kadee Joy is doing great, Chris is doing well at his job, I feel like I'm doing well at my job, Luke is right where he should be...but Jeffrey is falling apart at school and Andrew's school is having a monumental battle with our insurance company that is threatening Andrew even being able to attend. Both of our vehicles went out of commission at the same time resulting in us having to buy a van with financing, instead of just paying cash (first time doing that), we have some big illnesses in our extended family...
In other words...life is life. God has granted us a lot...some things that are easy, and some things that are very, very hard. The ironic thing is that the things that I probably would have thought to be the most difficult from an objective stand point have been the most wonderful and beautifully growing part of my walk...and those things that I thought I KNEW I wanted have turned out to be the areas I need the most help in.
Speaking of which...I think I mentioned Luke turns two tomorrow.
God be with us. :)
Tomorrow, Luke will turn two. The is D-day for us, the day I've been dreading since our ultrasound told us we were having a boy. That same day, an article was published with new stats on autism...and the scariest stat was the one that confirmed that a child with two siblings who had autism (particularly those who were boys) had a 1 in 3 chance of developing autism.
But Luke doesn't have it. He points. He talks. He plays with toys appropriately. He interacts normally with other children. He names people easily. He eats food normally. He sleeps normally. He throws tantrums...normally.
I remember when people would tell me, "Well, what is normal, really? There's no such thing as NORMAL." I know you're trying to be PC, but believe me, no parent of a special needs child would deny that there is, vaguely of course, "normal." The gut feeling that they get when they see their "quirky" child do (or not do) things that seemingly all the other children the same age as their child are not (or are) doing tells them so and only gets more extreme as the gap does as well.
And Luke is, for all intents and purposes, NORMAL. He loves trucks and cars. He loves wrestling (which is particularly upsetting to Jeffrey). He loves creating chaos (as opposed to finding even peaceful settings chaotic and worth avoiding). He accepts snuggling, but does not seek it out constantly. He already can follow verbal directions better than Jeffrey.
He WANTS to be independent. Andrew and Jeffrey would probably still be totally okay with me dressing them everyday, and there are some days when I still have to. Luke gets mad when I try to and grabs the clothes away from me so that he can do it.
Luke calls me Mommy. And has for a long time.
This is what I prayed for. This is what I wanted. This is what I cried for when I held my newborn Luke in my arms. I remember covering Luke with my tears as I whispered my dreams of him becoming a doctor so that he could help his brothers. And even if he doesn't do so, the difference of me knowing at his two year old birthday that he COULD is so very different than either of his brother's two year old birthdays.
Kadee Joy is doing great, Chris is doing well at his job, I feel like I'm doing well at my job, Luke is right where he should be...but Jeffrey is falling apart at school and Andrew's school is having a monumental battle with our insurance company that is threatening Andrew even being able to attend. Both of our vehicles went out of commission at the same time resulting in us having to buy a van with financing, instead of just paying cash (first time doing that), we have some big illnesses in our extended family...
In other words...life is life. God has granted us a lot...some things that are easy, and some things that are very, very hard. The ironic thing is that the things that I probably would have thought to be the most difficult from an objective stand point have been the most wonderful and beautifully growing part of my walk...and those things that I thought I KNEW I wanted have turned out to be the areas I need the most help in.
Speaking of which...I think I mentioned Luke turns two tomorrow.
God be with us. :)
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Transitions
It seems like using the word "transitions" to describe life during the last few months is ironic considering that we moved to a completely different region of the country the summer before. But, as most people over the age of 22 know, stability in life is more the exception than the rule. And while change is still hard for me, it, as with most things, becomes less distressing as the number of changes increase, and increase with unforeseen blessings beside them.
Shortly after my last blog, we moved into the actual city limits of San Antonio. It has benefitted us for a lot of reasons, but the reason we did it was because God told us to. Again. We'd been told to move to San Antonio in the first place, but had tried New Braunfels for a variety of reasons. It turned out that as far as the reason we'd been called down here (the school for our boys), San Antonio was definitely where we needed to be.
So in June, once our lease was up on our manufactured home, we moved into San Antonio. We also changed churches (a hard change, but one we knew we needed to make), and began getting settled into another new home. It's been a good change. Andrew was able to go to school throughout the summer, since we were now close enough that the drive was doable each day. And since school has started, our morning routine has been much less hectic with no hour long commute to wrestle with. We also are back in a house, which we are able to appreciate so much more after a year in our single wide.
In July we started attending San Antonio First Church of the Nazarene. We're already on the worship team, I have a great Sunday School class, and Chris is doing Junior High Youth group on Sunday afternoons. The fantastic children's ministry realized how hard it was for our boys (especially Andrew) to go from Sunday School, to the music portion of the service with us, and then back to Children's Church, so they just keep them from when we're at worship team practice before church to the end of the worship service. Kadee Joy made friends quickly, and Lukie seems to really enjoy his little class.
All of my family was able to visit at some point during the summer, and I cannot begin to tell you life-giving each of those visits were. I cannot always see how all of us being so spread out works within God's plan, but I know it IS in His plan, and I'm find myself appreciating the times we are together so much more than I might otherwise.
Right after my last blog, Chris injured his back pretty severely at work. So severely, in fact, that he was unable to work during the entire course of the summer. God provided for our needs, as he always does, and towards the end of the summer Chris was hired to teach fourth grade at one of the hundreds of elementary schools in San Antonio. Chris has LOVED his new school, his cooperating teacher, and his staff and students. We are so grateful for God's provision, both of a job, and of the time we got together this summer. God did amazing work in our marriage, and is continuing to show me how wonderful my husband is...and that is all owed to Chris' continuing desire to be utterly and completely God's, and to be obedient daily to what He is calling him to do.
I'm back at my school for the second year, and have already been able to accomplish 200% more this year than I was able to last year, simply by knowing my students, many of their families, and having experienced all the school and district do last year. I've been writing grants like crazy, and have so far received nearly $10,000 in grants for my program. Amazing what a little gumption and the ability to write can do. :) I started teaching guitar to my fourth graders, and have been suprised at how well it's going. I am still incredibly grateful for God placing me where I am, with my team, with my students, with my staff, and with the parents of this community. There are still three parents who volunteer every week to take Andrew to school for me. EVERY WEEK. They bless me and Andrew so much.
Life at school did change slightly because Jeffrey is now at my school! He's in first grade and his transition has been emotionally and physically hassle-free. He LOVES school. And my school loves him. Some of my fifth graders got to know him yesterday morning because their class and Jeffrey's class partner up to have reading buddies. First comment: "We met Jeffrey! He's so cute!" Second comment: "He's got such BIG EYES." Third comment: "He tried to walk out with our class!" The last part was a bit concerning, so I asked for clarification. Turns out that Jeffrey had indeed tried to leave with their class. Silly boy. I told them it must be because he liked them so much. Then I requested that they watch for him and if they see him wandering by himself that they help him get to safety. :)
Kadee Joy is doing SO WELL at my school. Her teacher loves her, and she's been doing much better in the area of personal responsibility. At one point her teacher named her the class fashion queen (not sure how THAT happened), so each morning she carefully picks our her outfit and accessories so that she will not disappoint her teacher. Teachers, don't hand out compliments or statements lightly...the kids SOAK THEM UP.
Luke is back at his daycare, and got back into his routine within a day. It's fun to see how much he's changed just in a few months. He goes to daycare without any tears, and as soon as we steps in joins with whatever his peers are doing...I don't even get a goodbye, and I'm okay with that. Developmentally he still seems to be on track...pointing, lots of words, waving (sometimes), and he's super strong. I broke down and got him vaccinated after an epidemic of whooping cough and measles broke out in the state of Texas. We haven't noticed a change in behavior, so hopefully I didn't make the wrong choice.
And Andrew.
Andrew is where my heart seems to reside more than my other kids. Not that I love them any less, but when he hurts, I could die. And he's been having a rough go of things for a few months. Almost ANY transition results in a heartbreaking plea from Andrew NOT to transition. Not just one request, but minutes and minutes of pleading, crying, clinging to us. If you heard his plea, I think you would die a little too. Every fiber of my being wants to NOT do whatever is causing him pain. And yet I know, I KNOW, that it's what he needs to do. He NEEDS to go to school. He NEEDS to go to church. He NEEDS to be with his peers in Sunday School. Sometimes we NEED to go home, and not stay at Morgan's Wonderland.
And as I write this, I realize once again God is trying to say something to me. As life offers up all of these many transitions, and I am offering up my plea to God to PLEASE not make me do this, He offers back His better than my own wisdom and says YOU NEED to do this. I know better than you, I can see the whole picture, and even though it seems hard, and you don't like change, and would rather just stay as you are, you NEED to trust Me on this and do it anyway.
And so, I'll continue to trust that God knows what He's doing, and that we're right in doing what we're doing, coming to this new place, turning our families worlds upside down, missing friends and family from our life as it was before, because ultimately it will be better for us. Not less painful, not easier, just better. Even in rereading what I've already written, I know that He is already showing me how He cares for us, and how He has already provided for us. And if it seems like I've written this same lesson at the end of every other blog, it's probably because I have to relearn it and remind myself of it daily, sometimes hourly.
He's GOT this. He's GOT Andrew. And in fact, He's had him all along.
“For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught.” Proverbs 3:26
"For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess."
Deuteronomy 30:16
Shortly after my last blog, we moved into the actual city limits of San Antonio. It has benefitted us for a lot of reasons, but the reason we did it was because God told us to. Again. We'd been told to move to San Antonio in the first place, but had tried New Braunfels for a variety of reasons. It turned out that as far as the reason we'd been called down here (the school for our boys), San Antonio was definitely where we needed to be.
So in June, once our lease was up on our manufactured home, we moved into San Antonio. We also changed churches (a hard change, but one we knew we needed to make), and began getting settled into another new home. It's been a good change. Andrew was able to go to school throughout the summer, since we were now close enough that the drive was doable each day. And since school has started, our morning routine has been much less hectic with no hour long commute to wrestle with. We also are back in a house, which we are able to appreciate so much more after a year in our single wide.
In July we started attending San Antonio First Church of the Nazarene. We're already on the worship team, I have a great Sunday School class, and Chris is doing Junior High Youth group on Sunday afternoons. The fantastic children's ministry realized how hard it was for our boys (especially Andrew) to go from Sunday School, to the music portion of the service with us, and then back to Children's Church, so they just keep them from when we're at worship team practice before church to the end of the worship service. Kadee Joy made friends quickly, and Lukie seems to really enjoy his little class.
All of my family was able to visit at some point during the summer, and I cannot begin to tell you life-giving each of those visits were. I cannot always see how all of us being so spread out works within God's plan, but I know it IS in His plan, and I'm find myself appreciating the times we are together so much more than I might otherwise.
Right after my last blog, Chris injured his back pretty severely at work. So severely, in fact, that he was unable to work during the entire course of the summer. God provided for our needs, as he always does, and towards the end of the summer Chris was hired to teach fourth grade at one of the hundreds of elementary schools in San Antonio. Chris has LOVED his new school, his cooperating teacher, and his staff and students. We are so grateful for God's provision, both of a job, and of the time we got together this summer. God did amazing work in our marriage, and is continuing to show me how wonderful my husband is...and that is all owed to Chris' continuing desire to be utterly and completely God's, and to be obedient daily to what He is calling him to do.
I'm back at my school for the second year, and have already been able to accomplish 200% more this year than I was able to last year, simply by knowing my students, many of their families, and having experienced all the school and district do last year. I've been writing grants like crazy, and have so far received nearly $10,000 in grants for my program. Amazing what a little gumption and the ability to write can do. :) I started teaching guitar to my fourth graders, and have been suprised at how well it's going. I am still incredibly grateful for God placing me where I am, with my team, with my students, with my staff, and with the parents of this community. There are still three parents who volunteer every week to take Andrew to school for me. EVERY WEEK. They bless me and Andrew so much.
Life at school did change slightly because Jeffrey is now at my school! He's in first grade and his transition has been emotionally and physically hassle-free. He LOVES school. And my school loves him. Some of my fifth graders got to know him yesterday morning because their class and Jeffrey's class partner up to have reading buddies. First comment: "We met Jeffrey! He's so cute!" Second comment: "He's got such BIG EYES." Third comment: "He tried to walk out with our class!" The last part was a bit concerning, so I asked for clarification. Turns out that Jeffrey had indeed tried to leave with their class. Silly boy. I told them it must be because he liked them so much. Then I requested that they watch for him and if they see him wandering by himself that they help him get to safety. :)
Kadee Joy is doing SO WELL at my school. Her teacher loves her, and she's been doing much better in the area of personal responsibility. At one point her teacher named her the class fashion queen (not sure how THAT happened), so each morning she carefully picks our her outfit and accessories so that she will not disappoint her teacher. Teachers, don't hand out compliments or statements lightly...the kids SOAK THEM UP.
Luke is back at his daycare, and got back into his routine within a day. It's fun to see how much he's changed just in a few months. He goes to daycare without any tears, and as soon as we steps in joins with whatever his peers are doing...I don't even get a goodbye, and I'm okay with that. Developmentally he still seems to be on track...pointing, lots of words, waving (sometimes), and he's super strong. I broke down and got him vaccinated after an epidemic of whooping cough and measles broke out in the state of Texas. We haven't noticed a change in behavior, so hopefully I didn't make the wrong choice.
And Andrew.
Andrew is where my heart seems to reside more than my other kids. Not that I love them any less, but when he hurts, I could die. And he's been having a rough go of things for a few months. Almost ANY transition results in a heartbreaking plea from Andrew NOT to transition. Not just one request, but minutes and minutes of pleading, crying, clinging to us. If you heard his plea, I think you would die a little too. Every fiber of my being wants to NOT do whatever is causing him pain. And yet I know, I KNOW, that it's what he needs to do. He NEEDS to go to school. He NEEDS to go to church. He NEEDS to be with his peers in Sunday School. Sometimes we NEED to go home, and not stay at Morgan's Wonderland.
And as I write this, I realize once again God is trying to say something to me. As life offers up all of these many transitions, and I am offering up my plea to God to PLEASE not make me do this, He offers back His better than my own wisdom and says YOU NEED to do this. I know better than you, I can see the whole picture, and even though it seems hard, and you don't like change, and would rather just stay as you are, you NEED to trust Me on this and do it anyway.
And so, I'll continue to trust that God knows what He's doing, and that we're right in doing what we're doing, coming to this new place, turning our families worlds upside down, missing friends and family from our life as it was before, because ultimately it will be better for us. Not less painful, not easier, just better. Even in rereading what I've already written, I know that He is already showing me how He cares for us, and how He has already provided for us. And if it seems like I've written this same lesson at the end of every other blog, it's probably because I have to relearn it and remind myself of it daily, sometimes hourly.
He's GOT this. He's GOT Andrew. And in fact, He's had him all along.
“For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught.” Proverbs 3:26
"For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess."
Deuteronomy 30:16
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Mom
My mom's birthday is close to Mother's Day, and so a few weeks ago I entertained the thought of dedicating a blog post to her. In spite of it being a few weeks late, I present it to you now.
I could try to tell you stories about my mother's childhood based on stories she's told me, but I might insert childish interpretations based on the age at which I was told. There are some stories that I don't even know about, as evidenced by a late 1990's visit by my Aunt Sheila to our house in Tillamook in which Aunt Sheila started to tell us a story about my mother in high school but was interrupted by my panicked mother who shouted "Sheila, don't you dare!" Sheila laughed hysterically, but did NOT continue the story. Anyone who knows my mother in real life can only imagine what situations her ultra social butterfly personality and hippie tendencies threw her into as a teenager in the late 60's and early seventies. And I also know that her experience with Iowa extremes in weather helped to form her crazy need to stay in 50-70 degree weather that makes the Oregon coast ideal for her.
What I can tell you is that my mother has been my champion in countless situations. There have been so many times during my life when she could have jumped all over me with judgment, criticism, and an I-told-you-so that would have been well deserved. But I don't remember a time like that in my life. I remember such an opportunity when I told her about the nature of an abusive relationship I had gotten out of a few months before...no judgment, no condemnation, no disappointment...only heartache at the hurt I'd been caused.
When life has dealt me a sometimes tragic hand, like during the worst of my marital crisis, the diagnosis of my boys with autism, the complicated surgery of my middle child, the financial upheaval of my family...she has never offered unsolicited advice, but simply helped me get through. I remember the day I found out the worst news of my life. She was in Tillamook and I was in Olympia, and she wrote, "Though I am not dad, I love you just as much as he did. And though my embrace is not the same, I am here for you and I care deeply. I love you Steph. You are beautiful and special and I'm proud to be your mom." In a way, I think my dad's death gave God the opportunity to work through her and to develop closer relationships with us girls, because dad had had that role with us before his passing. And I know that her own experiences with tragedy have given her wise words to say without saying too much.
When she first heard that God had told us to move to San Antonio, she didn't freak out but told us to keep praying about it. Once it became a reality she started looking up everything she could about the area. She helped us to financially prepare for the move, and prayed, prayed, prayed that jobs would line up. The week before we moved, she came and helped us pack. The morning I received the call from Alamo Heights, she was the reason I called back and took the interview. And of course, that was a HUGE part of God's plan. And she covers over half of Andrew's tuition every month...which shows just how much she believes in what God has called us to do down here.
Our relationship can sometimes be a quirky one, but we're pretty quirky gals. I remember making so much more sense to my husband's family after playing several card games with them and my mom. We're a competitive lot. Her (dyed) red hair is a fitting crown, and her hippie/blinged out fashion sense perfectly describes her...Indescribable. :) She has to visit us in the late fall because the summer makes her cranky, and when she comes she showers the kids with chocolate Donettes and frequent outings because she has NEVER been able to sit still. Our meal times are much more precisely planned, and usually include at least one Pizza Hut dinner made of thin-crust pepperoni pizza so that she can relive her college diet. She starts to get stir crazy at the end of the visit and almost always leaves a day in advance, but if you watch the speed at which she walks it makes sense why.
And she has always, always been one to visit the old, the sick, and the invalid. God gave her a gift of ministry for them, and she has never, despite having twins, a son, and sometimes being poor, shirked this ministry.
We are so opposite in personality that sometimes our lifestyles drive the other crazy, but our visits are fun, our phone calls (usually) frequent, and I KNOW she's in my corner, even if she's hungry, or too hot, or tired. And for that, I am very, very grateful that God gave her to me as my mother.
I could try to tell you stories about my mother's childhood based on stories she's told me, but I might insert childish interpretations based on the age at which I was told. There are some stories that I don't even know about, as evidenced by a late 1990's visit by my Aunt Sheila to our house in Tillamook in which Aunt Sheila started to tell us a story about my mother in high school but was interrupted by my panicked mother who shouted "Sheila, don't you dare!" Sheila laughed hysterically, but did NOT continue the story. Anyone who knows my mother in real life can only imagine what situations her ultra social butterfly personality and hippie tendencies threw her into as a teenager in the late 60's and early seventies. And I also know that her experience with Iowa extremes in weather helped to form her crazy need to stay in 50-70 degree weather that makes the Oregon coast ideal for her.
What I can tell you is that my mother has been my champion in countless situations. There have been so many times during my life when she could have jumped all over me with judgment, criticism, and an I-told-you-so that would have been well deserved. But I don't remember a time like that in my life. I remember such an opportunity when I told her about the nature of an abusive relationship I had gotten out of a few months before...no judgment, no condemnation, no disappointment...only heartache at the hurt I'd been caused.
When life has dealt me a sometimes tragic hand, like during the worst of my marital crisis, the diagnosis of my boys with autism, the complicated surgery of my middle child, the financial upheaval of my family...she has never offered unsolicited advice, but simply helped me get through. I remember the day I found out the worst news of my life. She was in Tillamook and I was in Olympia, and she wrote, "Though I am not dad, I love you just as much as he did. And though my embrace is not the same, I am here for you and I care deeply. I love you Steph. You are beautiful and special and I'm proud to be your mom." In a way, I think my dad's death gave God the opportunity to work through her and to develop closer relationships with us girls, because dad had had that role with us before his passing. And I know that her own experiences with tragedy have given her wise words to say without saying too much.
When she first heard that God had told us to move to San Antonio, she didn't freak out but told us to keep praying about it. Once it became a reality she started looking up everything she could about the area. She helped us to financially prepare for the move, and prayed, prayed, prayed that jobs would line up. The week before we moved, she came and helped us pack. The morning I received the call from Alamo Heights, she was the reason I called back and took the interview. And of course, that was a HUGE part of God's plan. And she covers over half of Andrew's tuition every month...which shows just how much she believes in what God has called us to do down here.
Our relationship can sometimes be a quirky one, but we're pretty quirky gals. I remember making so much more sense to my husband's family after playing several card games with them and my mom. We're a competitive lot. Her (dyed) red hair is a fitting crown, and her hippie/blinged out fashion sense perfectly describes her...Indescribable. :) She has to visit us in the late fall because the summer makes her cranky, and when she comes she showers the kids with chocolate Donettes and frequent outings because she has NEVER been able to sit still. Our meal times are much more precisely planned, and usually include at least one Pizza Hut dinner made of thin-crust pepperoni pizza so that she can relive her college diet. She starts to get stir crazy at the end of the visit and almost always leaves a day in advance, but if you watch the speed at which she walks it makes sense why.
And she has always, always been one to visit the old, the sick, and the invalid. God gave her a gift of ministry for them, and she has never, despite having twins, a son, and sometimes being poor, shirked this ministry.
We are so opposite in personality that sometimes our lifestyles drive the other crazy, but our visits are fun, our phone calls (usually) frequent, and I KNOW she's in my corner, even if she's hungry, or too hot, or tired. And for that, I am very, very grateful that God gave her to me as my mother.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Living Life Backwards
Browsing Facebook does a few things. Number one, it allows you a unique look into the lives of those you see on a daily basis as well as those you haven't seen in years.
But number two (and what turns out to be what happens more often than I'd like to admit), it naturally causes you to compare that stages of the life you are in with those you are "friends" with. And this gets me into trouble, because my life has not gone the way I "thought" it would go.
Chris and I were married young. Chris was only 20, and I had just turned 22. Yes, I'm older, and marrying a younger man was something I'd always sworn I wouldn't do. We lived in married housing at NNU for a mere $345 a month (including utilities!) for the first two years of our marriage while both of us finished up school. Towards the end of our second year of marriage, I had just started my master's program, and somehow we got the idea to buy a house. And so, we did...And it was beautiful and we loved it.
The interest rate on the house was ridiculously low (although not as the rates can be now!) and our mortgage payment likewise was low. We had Kadee Joy within the first year of being in that house. And life was good.
And then, 6 months after she was born, my dad died. He was 47. I was 25. And I knew no one else in my circle of friends who had lost a parent. I felt robbed.
9 months after the death of my dad came Andrew. And he was beautiful. And I was so sad that my dad never knew him.
4 months after Andrew was born, Chris was offered a youth pastor job in Washington. I wanted to stay at home with my two kids (that's what I was supposed to do, right?), and Chris' job would allow me to. I would also be closer to my family (minus dad of course), which I also wanted. And so we moved, and made around $50,000 in the sale of our house, and put most of it into a down payment on our new house in Washington. And it should have been beautiful.
But it didn't turn out that way. Less than a year into Washington, I was pregnant with Jeffrey, and Chris and were in what I euphemistically call "marital crisis." I was looking at being a divorced single mother of (almost) three at age 27.
But God intervened, right before Easter, and Chris found his way back to the Light and we entered into the third stage of our marriage. Everything in our married life is referred to as pre-Washington, Washington, and post-Washington.
Because of the nature of our marital crisis, we needed to move. So we moved back to Idaho, living with Chris' sister and brother-in-law. But we had to sell our house, which we did...and at a loss because we had been in it so short a time, and because the housing bubble that had earned us so much on our first house was busting during the sale of our second house. Quickly, before the bust really took effect, we bought our third house, when prices on houses were at their highest.
Chris went back to school at this time, feeling that the nature of our crisis would forever bar him from youth ministry. He got his teaching certification...and in the process we racked up an enormous amount of both credit card and student loan debt. Also, Andrew and Jeffrey were diagnosed with autism.
A few months before his certification program was over, we started Love, INC. And through Love, INC, we hacked away at all of our credit card debt. But the student loan debt was put on the back burner.
And then, in 2011, the whole story of how we got to Texas began. And it's been an amazing journey. Luke was born at the end of 2011, and he was beautiful, and he confirmed God's plan for us to move.
In January 2012 we talked with our realtor about putting our house on the market...and he told us what we already knew. Our house was worth FAR less than what we would get out of it. So we entered the short sale process, and thankfully, our house sold, at a loss to the bank of nearly $50,000. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.
Which brings me back to the beginning. We are now living in a single wide in Texas with our four kids, and if there's not a country song about that then I should write one.
We cannot buy a house...number one because we just did a short sale, but number two because our student loan debt to income ratio is waaaay too high. We have owned three houses in our 11 year marriage, but we did so at the beginning of our marriage and cannot do it now, when so many people my age are just beginning to buy their second "forever" home. I have four kids, and so many of those I know just started their families. Many of my friends are just now dealing with the health or death of a parent...or not at all...and I have been missing dad for eight long years. We're planning on moving into San Antonio (we live about 30 miles away right now) so that we can be closer to all of our schools (including mine). But of course, rentals are our only way to go...and I'm uncomfortable with it.
Chris is still trying to find his way in the working world. He's currently working ground maintenance at an upscale golf course and really likes it...but it just doesn't come close to covering our monthly expenses, even with my higher than usual teaching salary. He wants to fulfill God's calling on his life, and is waiting patiently (much more so than I) for the opportunity to do so full-time, rather than in a volunteer capacity. We'll see what the fall brings.
So as I say...I feel I'm living life backwards. I have a constant battle in my head of where I think we "should" be.
We "should" be finished paying our student loan debt...it's been ten years, and I get to see on Facebook when classmates have done it!
We "should" be in our own house. Facebook tells me we should!
We "should" be having my parents visiting us and going on wonderful vacations with them. Facebook shows me I should!
My kids "should" be winning all sorts of awards, be excelling in dance, athletics...again, Facebook tells me they should!
As a mom I "should" be staying at home with my kids and creating fantastic desserts for their birthdays, and dressing them in hipster/indie kids clothes. The pictures on Facebook show me that it's the way things are done!
I "should" be invited to my alma mater to explain to the students what being successful in my job looks like. For the record...I haven't been invited. :)
Now you might be thinking that I'm at a point of desperation and maybe you should call the authorities, whoever they might be. Or you might be thinking, "Man, she really must be embarrassed to post this stuff on a blog..."
But here's the thing...I KNOW I'm not alone in struggling with the Shoulds of life. For every perfect picture posted of a perfect life on Facebook are at least 10 people looking at it thinking the same things I am. And the truth is, life isn't always perfect, life is almost never what we think it's going to be, and...the mantra of my life...God ALWAYS has better plans for my life than I do. For example:
I can be an incredibly selfish, inward focused person. And I KNOW that I was far worse about this before my dad died, my marriage fell apart, my financial picture imploded, and my boys got diagnosed with autism. All of those things created within me an understanding of people and their weaknesses and moments of despair because of my own. Were my dad still alive, my marriage without that point of destruction, my home the picture of financial strenght, and my children all "normal," I KNOW that I would be more judgemental, self-righteous, and selfish.
I wouldn't have been able to be obedient to God calling us to Texas. Each of the experiences mentioned above share one common trait: They strengthened my knowledge of the need to trust God. I used to so easily take credit for the successes in my life. I know now how flawed that thinking was and is. Having all of the "shoulds" mentioned above would not have created happiness in me. I would always want more. And any of them could be taken away at any moment. For me, they were taken before I had a chance to take credit for them. And truth be told, our everyday needs are ALWAYS MET, and God has always been faithful in providing for them. And though I always told Chris that moving to Texas would never happen, I really do love it down here.
I wouldn't find constant reasons to trust God in His wisdom. I'd be trusting my own wisdom, and taking credit for it as well. And God is also very good at showing me what I need to work on...and it almost never has to do with the outward adornments of myself, my home, or my family.
These are all things in life that will eventually be taken care of. Because I firmly believe that,"...our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." These moments of struggle and pain simply are a reminder that life, wonderful as it can be at times, are self defined...MOMENTARY. There is a place beyond my dreams and in eternal reality where we will find our true home. Where our children's fashion will not matter because they will be draped in heavenly garb. Where illnesses, disorders, and death will be no more and my boys and I will reel in laughter with their Poppa. Where our feelings of discomfort in finding and living in our earthly homes will be forgotten in the indescribable beauty of our heavenly home.
SO...I'm praying for the ability to focus on what God is calling me to in this moment. I'm praying for the ability to praise God for what He HAS given to me. I'm praying for wisdom in knowing what steps to take next. I'm praying to be the mother and wife HE wants me to be...not what Facebook makes me think I should be. I'm praying for my husband to continue to follow where God is calling him to, and that I will trust in God's provision and not the dollar signs attached to various opportunities.
And I'm praying that I will be able to meet what God has for me with an open heart and mind, and that He will provide people to encourage me to follow HIS will, and not my own selfish desires.
But number two (and what turns out to be what happens more often than I'd like to admit), it naturally causes you to compare that stages of the life you are in with those you are "friends" with. And this gets me into trouble, because my life has not gone the way I "thought" it would go.
Chris and I were married young. Chris was only 20, and I had just turned 22. Yes, I'm older, and marrying a younger man was something I'd always sworn I wouldn't do. We lived in married housing at NNU for a mere $345 a month (including utilities!) for the first two years of our marriage while both of us finished up school. Towards the end of our second year of marriage, I had just started my master's program, and somehow we got the idea to buy a house. And so, we did...And it was beautiful and we loved it.
The interest rate on the house was ridiculously low (although not as the rates can be now!) and our mortgage payment likewise was low. We had Kadee Joy within the first year of being in that house. And life was good.
And then, 6 months after she was born, my dad died. He was 47. I was 25. And I knew no one else in my circle of friends who had lost a parent. I felt robbed.
9 months after the death of my dad came Andrew. And he was beautiful. And I was so sad that my dad never knew him.
4 months after Andrew was born, Chris was offered a youth pastor job in Washington. I wanted to stay at home with my two kids (that's what I was supposed to do, right?), and Chris' job would allow me to. I would also be closer to my family (minus dad of course), which I also wanted. And so we moved, and made around $50,000 in the sale of our house, and put most of it into a down payment on our new house in Washington. And it should have been beautiful.
But it didn't turn out that way. Less than a year into Washington, I was pregnant with Jeffrey, and Chris and were in what I euphemistically call "marital crisis." I was looking at being a divorced single mother of (almost) three at age 27.
But God intervened, right before Easter, and Chris found his way back to the Light and we entered into the third stage of our marriage. Everything in our married life is referred to as pre-Washington, Washington, and post-Washington.
Because of the nature of our marital crisis, we needed to move. So we moved back to Idaho, living with Chris' sister and brother-in-law. But we had to sell our house, which we did...and at a loss because we had been in it so short a time, and because the housing bubble that had earned us so much on our first house was busting during the sale of our second house. Quickly, before the bust really took effect, we bought our third house, when prices on houses were at their highest.
Chris went back to school at this time, feeling that the nature of our crisis would forever bar him from youth ministry. He got his teaching certification...and in the process we racked up an enormous amount of both credit card and student loan debt. Also, Andrew and Jeffrey were diagnosed with autism.
A few months before his certification program was over, we started Love, INC. And through Love, INC, we hacked away at all of our credit card debt. But the student loan debt was put on the back burner.
And then, in 2011, the whole story of how we got to Texas began. And it's been an amazing journey. Luke was born at the end of 2011, and he was beautiful, and he confirmed God's plan for us to move.
In January 2012 we talked with our realtor about putting our house on the market...and he told us what we already knew. Our house was worth FAR less than what we would get out of it. So we entered the short sale process, and thankfully, our house sold, at a loss to the bank of nearly $50,000. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.
Which brings me back to the beginning. We are now living in a single wide in Texas with our four kids, and if there's not a country song about that then I should write one.
We cannot buy a house...number one because we just did a short sale, but number two because our student loan debt to income ratio is waaaay too high. We have owned three houses in our 11 year marriage, but we did so at the beginning of our marriage and cannot do it now, when so many people my age are just beginning to buy their second "forever" home. I have four kids, and so many of those I know just started their families. Many of my friends are just now dealing with the health or death of a parent...or not at all...and I have been missing dad for eight long years. We're planning on moving into San Antonio (we live about 30 miles away right now) so that we can be closer to all of our schools (including mine). But of course, rentals are our only way to go...and I'm uncomfortable with it.
Chris is still trying to find his way in the working world. He's currently working ground maintenance at an upscale golf course and really likes it...but it just doesn't come close to covering our monthly expenses, even with my higher than usual teaching salary. He wants to fulfill God's calling on his life, and is waiting patiently (much more so than I) for the opportunity to do so full-time, rather than in a volunteer capacity. We'll see what the fall brings.
So as I say...I feel I'm living life backwards. I have a constant battle in my head of where I think we "should" be.
We "should" be finished paying our student loan debt...it's been ten years, and I get to see on Facebook when classmates have done it!
We "should" be in our own house. Facebook tells me we should!
We "should" be having my parents visiting us and going on wonderful vacations with them. Facebook shows me I should!
My kids "should" be winning all sorts of awards, be excelling in dance, athletics...again, Facebook tells me they should!
As a mom I "should" be staying at home with my kids and creating fantastic desserts for their birthdays, and dressing them in hipster/indie kids clothes. The pictures on Facebook show me that it's the way things are done!
I "should" be invited to my alma mater to explain to the students what being successful in my job looks like. For the record...I haven't been invited. :)
Now you might be thinking that I'm at a point of desperation and maybe you should call the authorities, whoever they might be. Or you might be thinking, "Man, she really must be embarrassed to post this stuff on a blog..."
But here's the thing...I KNOW I'm not alone in struggling with the Shoulds of life. For every perfect picture posted of a perfect life on Facebook are at least 10 people looking at it thinking the same things I am. And the truth is, life isn't always perfect, life is almost never what we think it's going to be, and...the mantra of my life...God ALWAYS has better plans for my life than I do. For example:
I can be an incredibly selfish, inward focused person. And I KNOW that I was far worse about this before my dad died, my marriage fell apart, my financial picture imploded, and my boys got diagnosed with autism. All of those things created within me an understanding of people and their weaknesses and moments of despair because of my own. Were my dad still alive, my marriage without that point of destruction, my home the picture of financial strenght, and my children all "normal," I KNOW that I would be more judgemental, self-righteous, and selfish.
I wouldn't have been able to be obedient to God calling us to Texas. Each of the experiences mentioned above share one common trait: They strengthened my knowledge of the need to trust God. I used to so easily take credit for the successes in my life. I know now how flawed that thinking was and is. Having all of the "shoulds" mentioned above would not have created happiness in me. I would always want more. And any of them could be taken away at any moment. For me, they were taken before I had a chance to take credit for them. And truth be told, our everyday needs are ALWAYS MET, and God has always been faithful in providing for them. And though I always told Chris that moving to Texas would never happen, I really do love it down here.
I wouldn't find constant reasons to trust God in His wisdom. I'd be trusting my own wisdom, and taking credit for it as well. And God is also very good at showing me what I need to work on...and it almost never has to do with the outward adornments of myself, my home, or my family.
These are all things in life that will eventually be taken care of. Because I firmly believe that,"...our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." These moments of struggle and pain simply are a reminder that life, wonderful as it can be at times, are self defined...MOMENTARY. There is a place beyond my dreams and in eternal reality where we will find our true home. Where our children's fashion will not matter because they will be draped in heavenly garb. Where illnesses, disorders, and death will be no more and my boys and I will reel in laughter with their Poppa. Where our feelings of discomfort in finding and living in our earthly homes will be forgotten in the indescribable beauty of our heavenly home.
SO...I'm praying for the ability to focus on what God is calling me to in this moment. I'm praying for the ability to praise God for what He HAS given to me. I'm praying for wisdom in knowing what steps to take next. I'm praying to be the mother and wife HE wants me to be...not what Facebook makes me think I should be. I'm praying for my husband to continue to follow where God is calling him to, and that I will trust in God's provision and not the dollar signs attached to various opportunities.
And I'm praying that I will be able to meet what God has for me with an open heart and mind, and that He will provide people to encourage me to follow HIS will, and not my own selfish desires.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Watching and Waiting
There are many things I've been tempted to blog about, but just haven't gotten that real drive to write about. That's the only way I write blogs...a sudden burst of energy, a thought that won't leave my head, and (miraculously)uninterrupted time to write.
Luke.
Lukie.
My baby.
He's who is on my mind this morning, and many, many mornings, afternoons and evenings.
He's been on my mind ever since we found out that we were having a boy.
He's not just your average boy.
He's the brother of two other boys with autism. So his chances of developing autism are 1 in 3.
We have officially entered the danger zone. 18 months is where it will really hit, but we're watching already. There are many, many things that Lukie can do that Jeffrey could not by this age. Physically, Lukie is right on track.
We think he's naming objects. We think. We think he calls a bottle "ba-ba." We think he has called a ball "ba." We think he has called a car "ka." We calls Chris da-da (although da-da is also the sound he repeats most often).
Here's where I'm nervous: He still doesn't point. He doesn't really wave goodbye. And those are the things that my boys just did not do until well after being diagnosed. The other things they could do more or less and then either lost them, or struggled with them at around 18 months. But especially the pointing...they just never did that. They had no concept of me being unable to see exactly what they were looking at. They were already in their world of autism.
I understand that you might be thinking "So he doesn't point or wave yet...he'll get there!" I think if this were my first baby, or even first son that would reassure me. But as I'm sure any mother of a special needs child (or children) will tell you, milestones are not sure with us, no matter what it is. We celebrate when they achieve them for sure. But we can't emotionally invest in a future that might not be. We help them struggle through the steps they're currently on. And Luke is not special needs as far as we know...but it's been a LOOONG time since I watched a neurotypical child develop. And she was ahead of everything (which of course I took credit for--ha!).
If you know me at all, you will know that there are fewer things I get more joy from than my boys. They have taught me so much, are such beautiful human beings, and have a purity of soul that is rare. I LOVE my boys. But I also hurt for my boys when I see them being excluded, or know that they want to be included and just don't know how to get there. They can be in the midst of a room of people who love them and still be completely alone. There are many, many things in this world that are worse than autism. But it's the pain I know that I fear happening again to another of my beautiful sons.
So here's my prayer...that fear of the future will not keep me from experiencing the joys of the present. That regardless of a diagnosis (or not) I will praise God for the beautiful creation He has entrusted in my care. And that Lukie will become exactly who God intended him to be, as God's plans for us are always, always better than any we can come up with.
Luke.
Lukie.
My baby.
He's who is on my mind this morning, and many, many mornings, afternoons and evenings.
He's been on my mind ever since we found out that we were having a boy.
He's not just your average boy.
He's the brother of two other boys with autism. So his chances of developing autism are 1 in 3.
We have officially entered the danger zone. 18 months is where it will really hit, but we're watching already. There are many, many things that Lukie can do that Jeffrey could not by this age. Physically, Lukie is right on track.
We think he's naming objects. We think. We think he calls a bottle "ba-ba." We think he has called a ball "ba." We think he has called a car "ka." We calls Chris da-da (although da-da is also the sound he repeats most often).
Here's where I'm nervous: He still doesn't point. He doesn't really wave goodbye. And those are the things that my boys just did not do until well after being diagnosed. The other things they could do more or less and then either lost them, or struggled with them at around 18 months. But especially the pointing...they just never did that. They had no concept of me being unable to see exactly what they were looking at. They were already in their world of autism.
I understand that you might be thinking "So he doesn't point or wave yet...he'll get there!" I think if this were my first baby, or even first son that would reassure me. But as I'm sure any mother of a special needs child (or children) will tell you, milestones are not sure with us, no matter what it is. We celebrate when they achieve them for sure. But we can't emotionally invest in a future that might not be. We help them struggle through the steps they're currently on. And Luke is not special needs as far as we know...but it's been a LOOONG time since I watched a neurotypical child develop. And she was ahead of everything (which of course I took credit for--ha!).
If you know me at all, you will know that there are fewer things I get more joy from than my boys. They have taught me so much, are such beautiful human beings, and have a purity of soul that is rare. I LOVE my boys. But I also hurt for my boys when I see them being excluded, or know that they want to be included and just don't know how to get there. They can be in the midst of a room of people who love them and still be completely alone. There are many, many things in this world that are worse than autism. But it's the pain I know that I fear happening again to another of my beautiful sons.
So here's my prayer...that fear of the future will not keep me from experiencing the joys of the present. That regardless of a diagnosis (or not) I will praise God for the beautiful creation He has entrusted in my care. And that Lukie will become exactly who God intended him to be, as God's plans for us are always, always better than any we can come up with.
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