I know I personally read some blogs religiously, but it's such a funny thing to be the author of one...I really do wonder sometimes if anyone knows or cares what's going on in my little head. It's been a while since I've updated, but this three day weekend I find myself with an opportunity to do it, so here it goes.
I think probably the main reason I haven't written for awhile is because my oft-fought battle with depression has been raging again. I know that some of you might be thinking, "I thought she was done with that..." Don't worry, I was hoping to be done with it as well. I had a switch in medication a few months ago, and while the side effects I'd been trying to get rid of did indeed go away, my overall mood changed to increasingly, well, moody. :) Depression, so far anyway, is more of an ocean to me, not a cup of water...it comes in waves, and is not finished in one sitting.
I found that most of the time, after I would come home from work, my brain would be pretty cloudy (there's actually a term in circles of people with depression called "brain fog"...totally makes sense to me). In fact, my overall cycle of living would be: motivated in the morning, fatigued in the afternoon, and pretty well down and without energy in the evening. This proved particularly difficult as I would be at work during my "good" time of day and at home during my down (both physical and emotional) time of day.
Starting in December, after a long and depressed November, I got back into personal counseling, which I hadn't been in since first moving back to Nampa. Starting with my first session, I started digging down deep and shared things I've rarely shared with anyone else. And in that sharing, it became pretty obvious that I have lived a fairly consistent cycle of guilt, anxiety, stress, and despair. And each of those would, in turn, lead to shutdown and unresolved anguish that I carry around have been carrying around for a very long time.
I have been looking for the safety that I remember from childhood for a very long time. I have been looking for the unchanging and unconditional love that my dad showed for me when he was alive. I have been downtrodden by the vast number of ways I feel I don't measure up, which includes how I am relating to those close to me. I have been fighting a losing battle with all the things I should be doing.
And in counseling, and through an inordinate number of people and messages, I have realized that I have ignored the truth that I have known in my head since childhood...that the safety, peace, and unconditional love I seek is what God so desperately wants to provide me. There really is NOTHING that I could do to make Him love me more...or, in my case, love me less. God sees me as valuable, as good enough, and wonderful just as I am. He sees me as beautiful, as intelligent, and as worthy of being loved. And He has already taken those things that I continue to try and carry...and wants to take the things I am continuing to collect. One night, while laying on my bed, I just had it out with God...Sobbing, I asked Him to find me good enough as I was. And He did, and does...Isn't that fantastic?
Jeffrey is going into the autism doctor in February. He was red-flagged in August for missing a number of developmental milestones, and his obsession with letters and numbers has started to become a problem since he isn't able to see past them if they're on toys. We don't know what the diagnosis will be. There's a condition known as hyperlexia that his therapists seem to think fit him pretty well...but it is possible that both of our boys will have autism as a part of their lives. I even managed to take that...producing two beautiful boys with autism spectrum disorder...as a sign of flaw in me as their mother, which traveled back into the cycle of guilt and despair.
But God made my beautiful boys too...and finds them even more valuable and precious than I do, which is simply extraordinary to me. And knowing how I feel about them reinforces the sheer power of His love for me.
Chris has officially started student teaching. This means that all three of our kids are in daycare (except when Kadee Joy and Andrew are at school). We had quite the time trying to find a daycare that would be able to get our kids from school, as well as being affordable...and being a place where our kids actually wanted to go, and where we feel comfortable enough sending them there. We were able to find a place the Friday before Chris started, and they have been wonderful. It's been nice to have all of us be so busy, in a funny way. We're praying that there will be a teaching job when Chris finishes his student teaching. Pray along with us, will you?
We've also started the LOVE Inc financial program. Our finances have been one of those areas that have sat on the top of my conscience, and have been particularly good at adding to my anxiety and guilt. So starting LOVE Inc has been humbling, but so relieving...we don't have to carry it alone anymore.
If it seems to you that I come to funny, obvious God realizations every other blog, I probably do. I think that's how God works though...He is constantly revealing Himself in new and powerful ways...provided we give Him the time to do it. :)
