This blog has been a few weeks in the making. I actually meant to write it as soon as I got back from my church's women's retreat, but then life took over and I didn't do until now.
I went up to retreat on a scholarship...I went up without having to pay for the gas to get there because I carpooled. I didn't bring any cash with me...we're in the financial program I've talked about before, and since my meals were included in my scholarship, Chris didn't really think I needed to take any extra money. Note how "Chris" didn't really think I needed it...
The friend who was so graciously taking me up there stopped to get something to eat on the way up. It was at Subway, a place I normally wouldn't be able to get much at anyway, and I'd already eaten a full dinner before I came. But the smell of the bread brought on the Pavlovian effect it usually does, and my heart was bitter with my husband for not giving me any cash to buy whatever with. And I'm pretty sure I mentioned this to my gracious friend while she and her sister ate.
Then the topic of coffee cards came up for discussion. Coffee cards go with the small coffee bar that is located at the retreat center, and husbands or friends can purchase them for someone going to retreat before hand. If you know me, you know my love for coffee, and I became embittered again as I KNEW there would be no coffee cards waiting there for me, and I would have no money to purchase them.
We got to the retreat center late that night. We got all of our stuff put away, including the stuff that had been waiting for us when we got there. We had a pretty fun night of games, but I was tired and went to bed early (or at least, early for retreat). The earplugs they provided worked very well and I woke up quite refreshed.
As I was getting ready that morning, another friend asked me if I wanted her to get me some coffee. I was determined not to be whiney, so I said no. Apparently my whininess extended from my heart into my tone of voice, because she asked if I had any coffee cards. I said no. So then she asked if I had check the pad of paper I'd been given when I'd first arrived at retreat...I hadn't. She told me that if someone had given me one, it would be in there, but if I didn't have one, she would buy me one. She was so nice about it, but I declined. I knew that there would be coffee in the dining hall at breakfast and I was starting to feel like a schmuck. After she left to go down and get coffee, and sprinted over to my bag and checked my pad of paper...Lo and behold, someone had anonymously bought me a coffee card, and there it was! I was so humbled, and I quickly offered a word of thanks to God .
After breakfast, we went up for our second session with our speaker. I had missed the first session because we had arrived after it had finished, but was intrigued by the title of this session. Something about, "Manna again, Lord?" It was worded better than that, but I knew enough of the story to have my heartstrings tugged a little bit.
We had wonderful worship in song, and then we moved onto the message. I would quote it word for word, but sufficeth to say it was on complaining, and how we as Christians are currently modeling what the Israelites did in the desert when God was bringing them to the promised land. He was consistently providing for their NEEDS, and they consistently complained about their WANTS. And our speaker uttered one phrase that really struck my heart: "I became a complaining person." Holy cow, was I convicted...I could have spoken the words myself and they would have been perfectly true. She talked about how entitled most people in the church feel, and how we complain when all the things we feel entitled to don't happen.
We have a wonderful opportunity for quiet time with God, and this retreat is up in McCall so I took my time outside. It was a GORGEOUS day. I mean gorgeous. McCall is up in the woods, and we were at this beautiful camp that was covered in snow, but it was not too cold and was very sunny. So I sat outside in the sun, and went through the questions our speaker had asked us to ponder. One of the first ones asked what things we felt entitled to.
I wrote a few things down, and then a few more, and pretty soon my list of things I felt entitled to took up several pages. I felt entitled to be able to have and spend as much money as I wanted to when I wanted to, especially as it concerned food and clothing. I felt entitled to have normal, well-behaved children. I felt entitled to be respected. I felt entitled to have Chris do most of the work, and yet for him to expect very little of me, even though he is the one who works three jobs. I felt entitled to have a perfect marriage. I felt entitled to come home to a perfectly clean house with all the yardwork done and have my children and husband completely joyful at my return...
Is the list starting to sound ridiculous? It certainly did as I wrote them down. But I realized that while they sounded ridiculous on paper, they had been part of my thinking for years. And if anything I felt entitled to didn't happen, I complained about them. And I complained loudly, and very often, especially at home and at work.
And this was my witness? This was my cry to the world on how Christ was working in my life?
The next question asked which of the entitlements I had listed were things I felt God asking me to surrender. That was easy...all of them. So I took my list and went for a walk on the snow covered field. It was even warmer out there, with the sun reflecting off of the snow. I spread my arms out wide and began giving my entitlements over God. One of the things that our speaker had mentioned was having our hearts changed so that when our first physical inclination was to complain, we should instead replace it with reminding God of our trust in Him. As I walked around the field, I kept whispering, "I trust you, Lord. I trust you." And I gave Him back my boys, who I'd felt entitled to be healthy and normal. And I gave Him back my marriage, knowing that he had a plan far better than my own. And I gave Him back my husband and praised Him for the transformation I have seen in him, and how wonderful he is. I kept giving things up, and God replaced them with peace and thanksgiving in my heart. IT WAS WONDERFUL, and it was so freeing. I began to see how much I had to be thankful for, and how consistently God provides for our every need..and our wants sometimes too. :)
The rest of the weekend was fantastic, and God showed His power time and time again. Coming back down, I felt like a brand new person.
It has been three weeks since retreat. My time since retreat has gone back and forth, depending on the choice I make in how to react to situations. I am still placing my trust in God, knowing that He has provided for us in everything so far, and that He will continue to do so. I am so thankful for everything He has given me, and am continuing to pray that Christ will live through me.
