There are many things I've been tempted to blog about, but just haven't gotten that real drive to write about. That's the only way I write blogs...a sudden burst of energy, a thought that won't leave my head, and (miraculously)uninterrupted time to write.
Luke.
Lukie.
My baby.
He's who is on my mind this morning, and many, many mornings, afternoons and evenings.
He's been on my mind ever since we found out that we were having a boy.
He's not just your average boy.
He's the brother of two other boys with autism. So his chances of developing autism are 1 in 3.
We have officially entered the danger zone. 18 months is where it will really hit, but we're watching already. There are many, many things that Lukie can do that Jeffrey could not by this age. Physically, Lukie is right on track.
We think he's naming objects. We think. We think he calls a bottle "ba-ba." We think he has called a ball "ba." We think he has called a car "ka." We calls Chris da-da (although da-da is also the sound he repeats most often).
Here's where I'm nervous: He still doesn't point. He doesn't really wave goodbye. And those are the things that my boys just did not do until well after being diagnosed. The other things they could do more or less and then either lost them, or struggled with them at around 18 months. But especially the pointing...they just never did that. They had no concept of me being unable to see exactly what they were looking at. They were already in their world of autism.
I understand that you might be thinking "So he doesn't point or wave yet...he'll get there!" I think if this were my first baby, or even first son that would reassure me. But as I'm sure any mother of a special needs child (or children) will tell you, milestones are not sure with us, no matter what it is. We celebrate when they achieve them for sure. But we can't emotionally invest in a future that might not be. We help them struggle through the steps they're currently on. And Luke is not special needs as far as we know...but it's been a LOOONG time since I watched a neurotypical child develop. And she was ahead of everything (which of course I took credit for--ha!).
If you know me at all, you will know that there are fewer things I get more joy from than my boys. They have taught me so much, are such beautiful human beings, and have a purity of soul that is rare. I LOVE my boys. But I also hurt for my boys when I see them being excluded, or know that they want to be included and just don't know how to get there. They can be in the midst of a room of people who love them and still be completely alone. There are many, many things in this world that are worse than autism. But it's the pain I know that I fear happening again to another of my beautiful sons.
So here's my prayer...that fear of the future will not keep me from experiencing the joys of the present. That regardless of a diagnosis (or not) I will praise God for the beautiful creation He has entrusted in my care. And that Lukie will become exactly who God intended him to be, as God's plans for us are always, always better than any we can come up with.
