Disabled

In order to help build an informational foundation for Andrew as he moves forward in public education, his educational team has (with my approval) been putting him through a battery of tests. He's been tested for speech (needs help), OT (needs help), and most recently, intelligence.


I don't know why this one's results caught me off guard, but it did, and not only did the results catch me off guard, but they kind of brought back the early days of his diagnosis of autism...and not in a good way.


Andrew was classified as Intellectually Disabled. He scored quite poorly on almost everything. And not just poorly...he scored in the <1 percentile in many of them. Reading what this meant for Andrew was not the problem. The accommodations suggested were things we've been doing with Andrew his whole life...simplified vocabulary, one-two step directions, visual cues, modeling. But the "intellectually disabled" label...that threw me. No, actually, it pushed me down on to my knees and then sat on me. I should be good at this by now. I should know that a series of tests with scripted questions given by a stranger cannot possibly sum up who my Andrew is. I know that labels are meant to help explain the why's. And yet, for a brief time, it did sum up who he was, and I hurt. I hurt for Andrew. I hurt for what his future became with those two words. It was explained to me that this is a good thing...it will open him up for so many more community services when he finishes with school. It will provide a good record so that he can qualify for assistance throughout his life. But, selfishly, I don't want him to have to qualify for those things in order to be more independent. I want him to reach a point where he can do anything he wants without needing assistance. And not because I mind providing that assistance, or trying to find it. I kind of feel like that's my job as a mom anyway, and just becomes a little more intense having children with autism. I just want him to be able to achieve anything any other person could Shortly after (actually, about five minutes later), I ran into another mom of a beautiful boy with autism. I said everything I was feeling, and she reminded me of what I already knew, and what I've told so many other moms with special needs children...This paper changes nothing. It does not make Andrew any different than he was before the testing results were shared with me. And it cannot POSSIBLY say who Andrew is. No testing can do that. And certainly, no testing can predict what he will do in his life, and how much he will grow. I know. I KNOW. I KNOW.

It is the season for giving thanks. It is not the season for despair.

Andrew is different. But Andrew is not less.

Andrew is silly. Andrew is loving. Andrew is affectionate. Andrew will work hard for praise. Andrew wants to do the right thing. Andrew wants others to do the right thing. Andrew hurts for others. Andrew loves his family. Andrew is a wonderful big brother. Andrew is a wonderful little brother. Andrew is sensitive. Andrew says inappropriate things from movies sometimes. Andrew says perfectly appropriate things from movies sometimes.

Andrew is a good speller. Andrew has terrible handwriting. Andrew is a great runner. Andrew loves to play. Andrew cannot sit still. Andrew claims people poke him when they don't. Andrew laughs at things other people can't see. Andrew can now explain what he's laughing at, and 10 times out of 10 it is a scene from a movie he is seeing in his head.

Andrew still eats a very limited number of things. Andrew eats more variety than he used to. Andrew has friends. Andrew's friends still are trying to figure him out. Andrew loves the computer. Andrew doesn't love to write because it is painful to his hands. Andrew is getting therapy for his handwriting. Andrew has a hard time in Art. Andrew can have a hard time in music. Andrew loves to sing. Andrew does not love for others to watch him sing.

Andrew has to work much, much harder than most kids at following very basic social and academic rules.

Andrew gets tired of trying. Andrew keeps trying anyway.

Andrew is beautiful. Andrew has my big teeth. Andrew has his daddy's big lips.

Andrew is a gift from God. Andrew inspires me daily.

My world is better for having Andrew as a son.

Thank you, dear Lord, for Andrew.

I don't know his future, but I know that You have it in Your hands.

You made him as he is.



"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:13-16

Old and New

Fall. Kind of. You know, in a South Texas, still 95 degrees kind of way.

School has started back up again and all three of my school-aged children are at Cambridge with me. I have every single one of them in music class with me. And I LOVE it.

Kadee Joy is such a beautiful girl, inside and out. She wants to make everyone feel comfortable, included, and important, and she does what she can to make that happen in each new school situation. She is still very much a kid, which I also love. She's under a lot of pressure to become boy crazy, fashion forward, and cool...and she lets everyone know that she just wants to be her. Not sure where she got that confidence, but I am grateful for it.

Andrew is in a public school setting for the first time since kindergarten and is transitioning remarkably well. I was full of fear right before school started. I didn't know how he would handle the many new situations he would encounter, and I didn't know what the students I love would make of the son I love. He has handled each new situation beautifully, which I attribute to the great hearts and helping hands of the many teachers who surround him daily. They have made him feel comfortable and built up his confidence. One of his biggest areas of strength has been in PE. Oddly enough, he has excellent hand eye coordination, and has been surprising his classmates on a daily basis with his speed and ability to dominate games. :) His classmates have really stepped up in encouraging him and helping him, and I am so glad that they have contributed to his smooth transition.

Jeffrey has had a great start, and is surrounded (again) by teachers and classmates who love him. He caused a big stir yesterday when he stood on one of the ramps leading out from the building and screeeeeeeaaaaaaammmmed! Teachers surrounded him and found...that he had lost his first tooth. He had been perseverating on it's looseness for many days, so it was a relief when it came out. He now wants "a new tooth" to replace his "empty tooth." Losing teeth only to gain new ones really is an odd concept when you think about it.

And then there's Luke. He's a typical two year old...He can be sweet, affectionate, and compliant one second and then turn devious, physical, and obstinate the next. It's a good thing he's cute. He still seems to be developing normally (both physically and mentally) and goes to the same daycare he's been going to for the last year and a half. Chris takes him there now, so I don't know too much of how he does, but we've had no biting reports so I'm satisfied.

Chris is in his fourth year of teaching. The difference between his class sizes in Idaho vs. here is ridiculous. He has 19 students in his 4th grade class (compared with the 36 he had his last year in Idaho), and has so far really enjoyed each of them . There have been so many times when I wish I could just be a fly on the wall and see him teach...one day perhaps, when we don't have to use all of our sick and personal days on our family's health. He's also recently become an associate pastor at our church and is set for the last part in receiving his district ordination in January. I am grateful to be part of a church who lives out reconciliation and rebuilding, and I am so incredibly proud of my husband and his obedience to the One who set out a path for him to receive both.

Besides starting my twelfth(!) year of teaching, I am heading into Christmas Cantata season. This year, with the help of my friend Sunshine, I grabbed onto a BEAUTIFUL Celtic Cantata that I will be directing, starting this Wednesday. I'm super excited about it.

Right before the school year started, our family went on the longest vacation we've ever taken together to Idaho and Oregon. It was marvelous. It was so rejuvenating to see friends and family who have been with us through the best and worst of times. When we were in Idaho we were able to hang out with so many friends with whom hanging out was just...EASY. So easy. They knew us well, knew where we came from, knew what we'd been through, just knew US.

I love living here in Texas. I know this is where I'm supposed to be, and I know this is where my family is supposed to be. I love the weather, the culture, the welcoming people, the education...

But I do miss the ease of my old friendships. Friend-making down here has been hard. Not hard to develop acquaintances. Not hard to find people to invite over for meals. Not hard in having a team that I work with who I feel I can be myself with. Not hard in finding church people to connect with.

Friend making has been hard in the sense that I still have very few people I would feel comfortable with just calling and talking with just because. Or even calling to hang out one on one. I feel like there are some people who make friends so easily, and who can just open up and be themselves and have no problem just hanging with people they've only been friends with for short while.

For me, friendships take time...lots of time. Like, years sometimes. And I think that's why it was so easy in Idaho. So many of those friendships were developed over the course of years, sometimes even decades. I could just pick up with them where I'd left off and it was fine...

Here, building relationships take a ton of effort, and many don't even work out. There have been so many times where I have made plans with someone and they cancel last minute leaving me feeling defeated. They probably have easy friendships to go to...I just don't yet.

I see the same things with my kids. They are doing remarkably well in so many areas, but they really don't have friends with whom they have a strong, easy bond with. Not yet, anyway.

So I'll make myself vulnerable on this one...please pray for friends. For me. For my kids. Friends that are encouraging, loyal, and who GET us. And friends who are here. We have old friends whom I love and cherish, and who have stood the test of time. I have no doubt that I have connections with people for whom a friendship like this is possible. This is what's been on my mind and heart, and this is what I would ask your prayers for. And thank you to those of you who are here, and who have been extending welcoming hands to our family.

What life is like.

I'm awake early in our new house. Not exactly by choice but because Jeffrey just CANNOT PLAY QUIETLY. Short screams of frustration, intermittent giggles, and the endless monologue of movie quotes make it impossible for meto ignore him. The two year old can't ignore it either, which is why "Mommy!!!!!" breaks into my dreams as well. The two year old is crazy enough to have earned the nickname "Honey Badger." But Honey Badger has not yet figured out that he is perfectly capable of escaping from his crib, and at this stage in motherhood I am certainly not going to be the one to inform him.

Andrew wanders into my room. He's trying to escape the noise as well. His giggles and running monologue keep the other boys awake too, but at night, not in the morning, and has not been as extreme during summer. So he is seeking the sleep he couldn't get at the beginning of the night or in the wee hours of this morning. He's getting too big to join both of us in bed, but he'll settle for snuggling with Daddy while I try to give the rest of the house a few more moments of sleep. Jeffrey, Luke and I head downstairs for breakfast. Jeffrey requests popcorn, which he would have for every meal if I let him, but I convince him to request something else, so buttered toast(es) and applesauce is what we agree on. Luke requests the same because he always wants what his brothers have.

(Jeffrey has listened to my typing, come over to the screen, and begun reading what I'm typing. "I love popcorn!" "Jeffrey...that's ME!!!" "Mommy, can Jeffrey sit with Mommy?" This mix of first person and third person is a continuing speech problem that we're working on...sometimes we have to speak to Jeffrey in third person that he actually understands what we want him to do.)

Kadee Joy is blissfully unaware during the most severe of thunder and lightning storms, so her sleep is not at all disturbed by our breakfast making and eating. Moving to the new house has brought her within a few blocks of her BFF, so during the day she is either with her BFF, her BFF is with us, or she's making plans on how to arrange another visit with her.

(Jeffrey interjects into my typing in a whisper, "Mommy...I love you.")

Luke is enamored with transportation and the cartoons closely related to them. Thomas the Tank Engine and Cars are his particular favorites. He's playing with "Vader" (Mater) and Doc. Daddy's love of Star Wars makes names that are close to any of it's characters morph into one's that Luke is familiar with. I've tried to tell Luke that the tow truck is "Mater" not "Darth Vader", but it doesn't seem to matter.

The boys are all in one room. It seems to be working well. I'm typing in the office/playroom, which is why Luke, who normally wants to be at my side at all times, is content to play while I compose this post. Jeffrey loves the computer (and me!) too much to be parted from either when they are available. So he's still here, sitting comfortably squished in the computer chair watching everything I type.

Shortly after my last blog post (and by shortly, I mean within a couple of days), a realtor who had been on the lookout for a house for family (she is the parent of two of my students) came across the one we're now in. We had been told that Andrew would only be able to go to my school if we were within it's borders...not just the district's borders. This one was on the market to be sold or rented...we put in an application within 24 hours of it being placed and wonderfully got it on a two year lease. It's half a mile from my school. I've never lived so close to a school I teach at. My kids have never lived so close to a school they've attended. We love this house so far. Thank you, Lord, for putting it in our reach.

We loved Andrew's old school. He made so much progress. One of the shortcomings of it was the collection of data as to where he is academically. They know where he is, and we know where he is, but that info is not put into a format that transfers well into the public school system. This is what I will be working on this summer (among other things).

Chris has yet to really start a summer break. His church duties, moving duties, and duties as a husband and father have given him little time to relax. Yesterday we had a beautiful morning outside on our deck. The kids played freely and "helped" Daddy when it was time to grill for lunch. We've made a little haven on our deck and call it Cantina Del Tiner. It was lovely. Then Chris went and helped a friend from church move.

(Jeffrey is reminding me, "It's almost Jeffrey's turn.....")

I get this reminder about 400 times a day regarding various electronics. Uncle Aaron has a plan to teach Jeffrey and Andrew code so that they can come work for him. I think Jeffrey especially would thrive on this, but I would worry that his already limited interest in the outside world would become non-existent.

(Luke is keeping up a constant list of requests, all punctuated with "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" Both boys want to be in the chair with Mommy.)

So many people ask if my boys don't like to be hugged...to which I can thankfully reply that quite the opposite is true. I'm afraid we're going to have to start teaching appropriate boundaries for hugging people in general.

(Luke got his hand squished by Jeffrey sitting on them. This is because Luke is trying to drive his cars on the chair that both Jeffrey and I are sitting on. Car sounds (that are more like growls) add to the soundtrack Jeffrey had started to provide. "Mommy, I want up!" No third person for Luke. "Me!" and "I want" and "Mine" come easily to him. Now Luke is stuck under the armrest of the chair. "Mommy, help!!!" And now all three of us are sitting in the chair.)

Andrew wants to go the pool. Always. Kadee Joy got to go with her BFF yesterday to the Alamo Heights pool. Our family will have to find an alternative water source because we can't currently afford the $475 it costs for our family to be able to use the pool. We've been to one this week at another friend from church's community pool. It was just me and the four kids with my friend and her two little ones along with other community members. I was primarily on Luke duty until another dad informed me that Jeffrey was trying to get into a little floating boat that did not to belong to him, and subsequently gotten into it upside down. The mom next to him also informed me that she was worried because Jeffrey was shivering so much. I don't think she got that a little boy with two percent body fat shivers while in the pool regardless of how long he's in there. Chris arrived shortly after this and sat in the sun with Jeffrey, who stopped shivering about 10 minutes later.

(Luke turns his face toward me and gives me a kiss. It's slobbery, but I'll take it. Jeffrey is reminding me again, "It's almost Jeffrey's turn, Mom...")

I had several friends at work with children who graduated this year. One day, when I was returning from bus duty, they saw Jeffrey running towards me wanting a hug. "Oh, cherish these days!," one of them said. "Before you know it, they'll be graduating from high school!"

(Luke turns his face toward me again and plants another kiss on me. Jeffrey is giving quiet growls of frustration. He will do ANYTHING to be able to use electronics. Luke leans into me and I give him a hug. "Thanks for hugs," says, and then goes back to driving Doc on the computer desk.)

Obviously it's time to go. If anything, this post has reminded me how much my kids crave and enjoy my attention. I lead a blessed life. Thank you all for your prayers in our efforts to find a house that would allow Andrew to come to my school. God is faithful, Andrew is enrolled, and we are grateful for Him once again providing for our needs.

(Jeffrey wraps his arms around my stomach and gives me a hug.)

Now what?

In March of this year, I headed to Andrew's school for a monthly meeting regarding his progress. I don't get to make it to all of these meetings because of my own school schedule, but when I do get to go they're usually helpful.

At the beginning of the meeting, I was asked a simple question. "So, is there anything that's on your mind?" I answered with what is almost always on my mind. "I just want to make sure that we're doing everything we can for Andrew."

I was NOT prepared for what came out of the wonderful woman who acts as a coordinator and advocate for Andrew. "You know, it's interesting that you would say that. Andrew's teacher and I have been discussing it. Andrew is the highest student in his classroom academically. He is doing VERY well. The main things he needs to work on are social and behavioral skills, which he needs neurotypical peers for. We think he is ready to move into public school. "

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to feel. After a few moments of processing, I grasped at a few stray thoughts I was having about when he should start, what kind of paperwork would need to be done and asked them aloud....but all the while I was thinking, "We moved down here for THIS SCHOOL. What are we doing down here if Andrew's not even going to be attending here?"

At the end of the meeting I got the kids and met Chris just as he was arriving from his school. I gave him the news. Then he pretty much echoed the same thoughts I'd had. "What are we DOING here?"

So I called some of the wise people in my life and posed those questions to them. The incredible thing was their response. "Wait, you're saying that in just two years, Andrew has progressed to the point of being able to be put into a mainstreamed classroom? That is AWESOME! Do you think he would have been able to do that in Idaho?" To which respond (because I know), "You're right. There's no way he would have."

Beyond that, though, I also know that God has grown US. Our whole family.

Chris, my wonderful Chris, has grown and grown and grown spiritually, relationally, and professionally. He is a different man from when we first moved to Texas, and he was already pretty amazing then.

Kadee Joy has grown leaps and bounds academically, socially, musically, (speaking of which she'll be playing Taylor in our school's production of High School Musical in a few weeks!)and spiritually.

Jeffrey is in a mainstream classroom and is doing SO WELL. He's in a school where kids adore him, and where his teachers are constantly praising him and encouraging him.

Luke is so healthy, so smart, so...two year old-ish.

And I am happy. The sun, the heat, the warm people of this great state, my church, and my school have all been so good to me. My job in particular has been very stretching, in the best possible way.

And Andrew...what's next for him?
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For those Idaho friends reading, I should clarify at this point that we are NOT moving back to Idaho. Or the Pacific Northwest. We do not feel God calling us to do that. We still feel a very strong call to our church here in San Antonio, and have not felt released from that calling. So if any of you want to move down here....
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As soon as I realized that public school was going to be a reality for him this next school year, I started speaking with my colleagues and administrators about it. Currently, Jeffrey and Kadee Joy attend my school on a tuition waiver because I teach at the school. However, this is only allowed if the student does not need more than a "regular" child would need in order to attend. In other words, behavior has to be solid, and they can't require additional staff to meet their needs.

Andrew does NOT fit into that pre-requisite. His academics are much better than we ever hoped for, but he will most likely need an aide with him in the general ed classroom. So, he was denied entrance into my school as a tuition waiver student, which was hard. No mom wants to be told that her child is too "needy" for the school. With that being said, I really do get the financial constraints school districts face.

So! with that being said, we still know my district well enough to know that it is absolutely where we want Andrew to attend. We're looking at moving (again!) into my district. This is a little tricky because housing in my district is RIDICULOUSLY expensive, and it's all due to my school district being as good as it is. When I mentioned tuition before, we have around 100 students who do not live in district who pay tuition in order to attend my school district because it has such a quality reputation. Would I have known this had God not brought me to my job? Of course not. We moved down here in order to give our boys the best possible chance at being able to fulfill whatever calling God places on their lives...and having found a place where they can be nurtured, encouraged, AND learn behaviors from neurotypical children fits that goal.

Andrew moving back into the public school system is scary...he's been so happy at his little school. He is doing wonderfully well, but still acts so DIFFERENTLY from neurotypical kids. I don't know what they'll make of him. I don't know what the staff will make of him. I only know that God has been faithful and grown Andrew well over the last two years, and believe that He will be with him and continue to grow him in this new stage of life. Please pray for us! Pray for our housing situation, pray for our transition (AGAIN), and please, please pray for our dear Andrew.

Sloth

I generally don't take New Year's resolutions very seriously. In fact, I usually just randomly come up with something if someone happens to ask on New Year's Eve.

This year is different. I feel God calling me to wage war against a particular sin in my life. A deadly sin. The sin of sloth.

I had a vague understanding of sloth when I felt God calling me to fight it. I think the main definition that came to mind was "laziness." In reading more about it, I find that it's bigger than that...It's a failure to do the things that one should do. It's a failure to use one's talents and gifts. And most importantly, it's a CHOICE to fail in those things.

I've had several years of sloth/laziness now. Or maybe it's been a lifelong struggle. I'm not sure. But this past year it has been destructive to my health, my family, and my faith.

If given a choice of activities, I will almost always choose sleep (if it's an option). It could be a lingering effect of depression, which is what my doctor thinks. Or it could be a result of the low, low, low, low, low amount of time I spend exercising. My body feels like a physical example of sloth. This results in my kids eating quickly made food at the last minute, homework being swiftly signed at the last minute, more TV time than I know is healthy for me, dishes and laundry piling up, and very little energy to put into caring for my husband. But I've come to be convicted of the fact that my sloth is my choice. And I have chosen it over the people and things I love for too long.

Chris feels the brunt of this sin. And he has for a while now. He picks up the pieces that I leave behind as I lay down for yet another nap, or as I go to bed hours before he and the kids are ready to. He sees what I put into my work (which is actually a lot) and compares it to what I put into my home. And the difference is sad.

The real big problem is the problem of spiritual sloth. It's hard to listen to God or to read His Word if you're constantly in a state of either being asleep or wishing you were asleep. As my physical sloth has increased, so has my spiritual sloth. And my spiritual sloth feeds into my feeling of overwhelming fatigue.

So this year, starting this morning as I heard Luke calling for me, I choose to ask God to help me wage a war against the sin that is most destructive in my life. I ask for your prayers in this battle. The virtue meant to fight sloth is diligence. So I ask that you pray for me to have and to use diligence. In all things. All the time. But especially as regards my faith and my family. God deserves much better from me. So does my family. And so do I.

"...but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

-Isaiah 40:31