Jeffrey and Andrew begin it. We've just finished eating, Grandma and Grandma have gone home, and Daddy is watching a basketball game while Mommy sits next to him.
"Tag!" Jeffrey screams. Andrew giggles loudly. Andrew always giggles loudly, and sincerely. Jeffrey giggles as he runs away from Andrew, who catches him a few seconds later. On the game goes, with yells of "No tagbacks!" and giggles trailing up and down the stairs. I use the word giggle a lot as I write this. But giggles are what I hear. Up and down the stairs they go, chasing, tagging, giggling more, chasing. Round and round the downstairs they go.
This sounds normal. But soon, the script comes out. It's usually accompanied by a British acccent. Lines repeated over and over again, as one gets tagged and the other one runs away.
"What is that from, boys?" I ask.
Andrew answers that it is from a Veggie Tales movie. The game is sincere, but their verbal interaction is scripted. I always ask where their lines come from. They can tell me now. For me, it makes me feel like I'm getting into their heads a little bit. What scene in what movie made you think these lines were appropriate for this situation? And now they can tell me. For years, they would just repeat lines, and I didn't know why they said what they did, when they did.
Then Luke joins in. "Jeffrey, if you come here I'll give you 'Just Dance'!"
Jeffrey falls for it. Luke tags him and Jeffrey runs away. Jeffrey keeps waiting for Luke to deliver "Just Dance". But Luke is neurotypical, so Luke lies. Jeffrey takes Luke's promise literally, even though he is four 1/2 years older than his brother. Jeffrey will always take you literally, although he's starting to show some understanding in joking, as he questions following a ridiculous statement, "You're just teasing me!" Yep, we are, Jeffrey. Jeffrey is easily upset by statements like "If you keep watching that TV, your brain is going to turn to mush." He grabs his head, cries and says, "No! I need my brain!"
Andrew delivers a line that displays his autism. "Jeffrey and Lukie, I need you to stand still so I can tag you!" It's honest, although unlikely. Most 11 year-olds would not make such a request during a game of tag.
"Let's play Duck, Duck, Goose!" Luke says. "I'll be the Duck Duck guy!"
Luke often dominates the play between the brothers, even though he's the youngest by far. His 11 year old brother often does what he asks. His 9 year old brother forgets that he can just say no if Luke asks him to do something he doesn't want to do and instead just cries or screams. We're working on it.
"Come on, Jeff!" Luke yells. Jeffrey has refused to be called anything but Jeffrey for years. One day, several months ago, Luke started calling him Jeff. And Jeffrey responded to him. I don't know why I love this, but I do.
Side note:
I remember teaching Andrew turn-taking starting when he was 18 months old. He had already qualified for speech.
I would hold a ball. "Andrew's turn!" "Your turn" meant nothing to Andrew. Who's "your"?
I roll the ball to Andrew. He giggles as he grabs it. "Mommy's turn!" I say. He rolls it back to me....after the first 3 sessions. We rejoice. He is turn-taking.
Every communication and social skill has been taught, sentence by sentence, modeled, practiced. Disney, Pixar, Veggie Tales, Peppa Pig, and an inordinate amount of other movies and shows have been the source of most of my children's learned language. They have a picture and can see characters interacting while they speak. Then they take what they see and hear, and try to use it in real life.
Back to tonight...
Jeffrey is the first to finish the game. He loves the game, but grows tired of the human interaction. It's exhausting for him. He prefers "Just Dance" because he "interacts" with digital characters that always do the same dance moves with the same music. No changes, no spontaneity, no confusing questions or requests.
Andrew lasts much longer. He has empathy, loves companionship, and is naturally more patient. Plus he loves to have fun. And tag is fun.
Luke doesn't realize his brothers are different yet. His communication and social skills at his current age of 5 are significantly better than both of his brothers already. I wonder what he will say when he realizes that they are different.
The beauty of tag and Duck, Duck, Goose is that Andrew or Jeffrey initiated the play, and the other agreed to participate. That is HUGE. Would not have happened even a year ago. And they stuck with it for about 15 minutes. That wouldn't have happened either.
Some parents wouldn't allow tag in the house. With my boys, I have to see the forest instead of the trees. Yes, they might run into something playing tag...but they're using skills that are incredibly difficult for them to master. And they just started that skill at nine and eleven.
I'm a pretty inflexible person, or at least I have been during much of my life. I remember with Kadee Joy feeling like her behavior or "performance" defined me as a parent. Then I had my sweet Andrew, who couldn't talk until after age two, and who wasn't potty trained until age 7. Having children who have a disorder that changes the speed of the learning process broke my inflexibility when it came to them.
The games are over. Jeffrey is playing "Just Dance." Andrew is making battle sounds while playing with all his Star Wars figurines. And Luke is sitting next to me, asking if he can "help me work." They are back where they are comfortable.
Side note:
We got the kids a basketball hoop for Christmas. The boys ask to play with it everyday. All 3 of them. It's a wonderful thing. I've been teaching them skills, like what to do if the basketball goes into the street (come get Mommy so she can check the road after telling you to check the road so that you don't get run over...then we cheer when the ball is brought back safely). It's a beautiful thing. I remember the days of locking all the doors because Andrew was such an escape risk, and he didn't even have the ability to tell people his name. Both boys have had multiple close calls of getting run over because they run away in the parking lot, or just head towards the car from a store or church without even looking to see if any vehicles or people are coming towards them. This is still somewhat of a problem, but nothing compared to their earlier years.
Back...
When it's time to go to bed, Luke is often already in bed. He doesn't wait for me to tell him...he tells me. "Mom, I'm tired. I'm going to bed now." Jeffrey freaks out a little bit, but goes to bed after a promise from me that he'll be able to do something tomorrow. "I'll go to sleep, and then I can play basketball tomorrow?" "Yes, Jeffrey." Sometimes he has to ask it a few times, just to make sure..
Andrew can't turn his mind off. I remember Chris and I taking turns laying next to him from the time he was two until he was four because he was so unsettled and couldn't go to sleep, These were the same days that he would often try to go out the front door. Nowadays, there's no risk of escape...just that he won't be able to fall asleep until 11 or 12, and then won't have enough sleep to face the next day. Tonight isn't as big of a deal. It's Saturday tomorrow. He could sleep in, but Andrew doesn't sleep in on weekends or days off. He and his brothers are up and at 'em right at 6 a.m., even though they would be dead to the world until forced to wake up at 6:45 on school mornings.
The fire is going, it's cold outside, and Jeffrey heard that snow could be coming. He plans on building a snowman and making snow angels. At least, that's what he tells me.
Jeffrey made plans. This is a skill he's had for a couple of years. I love when Jeffrey makes plans, although sometimes I dread the times when I have to tell him that his plans will not happen.
Jeffrey is reading this blog. "I love playing basketball. But snow is coming, so I can't play basketball!"
I'll end it there. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
