Time.
I have much of it to sit and think, or try to think through the onslaught of symptoms my brain is trying to hurdle. I did hurdling in high school. I'm as good at hurdling my symptoms and thoughts as I was at hurdling in high school, which is to say that I'm terrible.
I am an over-thinker. I'd gotten better in my adult years, but this current health situation I find myself in has me once again stewing (hence my blog site's name) over situations, symptoms, and possible diagnoses constantly.
I went back to the neurologist that diagnosed me on Thursday. It was one of the worst medical experiences I've ever had, at least from an emotional and mental standpoint. He, who was so quick to diagnose me the first time (and in fact had spent an hour and a half convincing my husband and myself that this was indeed the diagnosis during our first visit), changed his mind within 30 seconds of seeing me during an actual episode. He is referring me to an epilepsy unit (despite saying multiple time that he does not think I have epilepsy), and is washing his hands of me as a patient. He lectured my husband and I as to why my diagnosis was incorrect, and how it definitely didn't seem to be neurological (even though I have a skull malformation, a hole in my brain stem, and am exhibiting classic neurological symptoms).
Living with an undiagnosed skull malformation for 39 years, I've had my fair share of being handed around to various specialists trying to treat individual symptoms or syndromes. I've been diagnosed with Meniere's disease, hypo-thyroidism, IBS-D, food intolerances, chronic depressive disorder, anxiety disorders, PTSD, herniated discs, and most recently, Arnold Chiari Malformation, Type 1 (which causes or masks all previously listed diagnoses) and Migraine with Brainstem Aura.
I'm a black and white person when it comes to facts, and desperately desire black and white answers for my myriad of medical maladies. I thought I'd finally found it with my Chiari malformation.
But then, these unexplained episodes of neck pain, headache, paralysis, aphasia, blurred or double vision, muscle weakness, pins and needles, pressure in my ears and head, accompanied by panic attacks have once again left me in medical no woman's land.
My easily spooked neurologist (not to be confused with my diligent, patient, never-defeated neurosurgeon), thinks the symptoms or episodes are being caused by underlying stressors.
Ya think?
Stress exacerbates pretty much every disorder, disease, symptom known to man.
And we already know I have plenty of fairy large issues to be stressed about.
So this post is for all of you who find yourself written off by doctors, family members, bosses, friends, and anyone else who knows the true pain of what he or she is going through, but is dismissed by a doctor's inability to understand the nature of the illness, or the decision not to further pursue anything because it is out of their field. I see you, I hear you, and I empathize with you.
One thing that has kept me sane, particularly in those moments when movement or speech have left me, is to pray. Prayer is beautiful because (thankfully) it does not need to be done out loud.
My idle mind would rather focus on bitterness, anger, resentment, and, of course, worry. And I could easily find (and am many times spoon fed) justification for why all of these are perfectly appropriate for me to be feeling (which they are).
They're just not places I can stay.
| Our Father in heaven, | (breathe) |
| hallowed be your name. | (breathe) |
| Your kingdom come. | (breathe) |
| Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. | (breathe) |
| Give us this day our daily bread. [Or our bread for tomorrow] | (breathe) |
| And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. | (breathe) |
| And do not bring us to the time of trial, [Or us into temptation] but rescue us from the evil one. [Or from evil] | (BIG BREATH) |
| [Other ancient authorities add, in some form, For the kingdom and the power and the glory are yours forever. Amen.] |
I do not pretend I go to this naturally, or even consistently. But I do know that I receive peace much more quickly when my mind goes to this prayer, or to other Scripture, or to just listening for God's voice in the midst of what are very scary circumstances to be under.
Traveler's Prayer:
May it be Your will, Lord, our God
and the God of our ancestors,
that You lead us toward peace,
guide our footsteps toward peace,
and make us reach our desired destination
for life, gladness, and peace.
May You rescue us from the hand of
every foe and ambush,
from robbers and wild beasts on the trip,
and from all manner of punishments
that assemble to come to earth.
May You send blessing in our handiwork, and grant us grace, kindness, and mercy in Your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us.
May You hear the sound of our humble request because You are God Who hears prayer requests.
Blessed are You, Lord, Who hears prayer.
Yes, and Amen.
