A Rough Day

So let's talk about yesterday. It was in some ways a truly awful day. I woke up very excited because the kids and I were going to a play party with the families of the other kids in Kadee Joy's preschool class. Kadee Joy LOVES preschool, and seems to get along with most of the kids fairly well.

Now I am one of those mothers, due to the nature of my job, who is only able to come to the preschool on things like field trips and parties. I didn't realize that was a type until one my well-meaning teacher friends used it as an example of parental types, and apparently it's kind of a bad thing...At least that's what it sounded like. Most of the other mothers of the preschoolers in the class come and help out with the class itself at least once a month, while another of the mothers helps out everyday. Kadee Joy LOVES this mother. And it's easy to see why. This mother is extremely interested in all of the children, very patient, loving, etc... The play party was at her house. I was hoping to get to know some of the others better and show them that I really wasn't a bad mom...just one who had to teach while her child was at preschool.

Now this is where we start our bad day. We drove up to this beautiful house in the middle of a bunch of land with horses, cows, dogs, etc. It was as I said a beautiful house with an immaculate kitchen, living room, you get the idea. I was still excited as I saw a little pool for the kids to play in, the horses close by (which Andrew has a big fixation on), a slip and slide, a whole bunch of friends to play with, beautiful weather...seemed like it would be an awesome experience.

We got out of the car and both Kadee Joy and Andrew high-tailed it for the horses. Kadee Joy kept going back to the horses throughout her time there. She had no fear whatsoever, and kept feeding them hay directly from her hand. What a good girl!

Andrew stayed with the horseys for a little while, and the went into the very cold pool. He was the only kid in there for quite a while, as he was the only one who didn't seem to notice how cold he was (a sensory issue relating to his autism).

Jeffy was miserable. He'd woken up only right before we left, and had puffy eyes, a slight fever, and was pretty lethargic. A better mom might have just canceled the whole trip. I took him anyway and ended up holding him most of the time. He was a very good boy, but definitely not his usual smiley self.

About 30 minutes into our trip, Andrew made the discovery that would result in our early departure from the party. Just last week we'd gone to the Kilchis River in Tillamook where Andrew spent the entire time throwing walks into the water. For some reason, he loves this process.

Well located directly next to the pool was a HUUUUUUUUUUGE pile of rocks. Little rocks, big rocks, and HUUUUUUGE rocks. You see where this is going.

When I say little pool, I mean little. I think that eight preschoolers could fit in it if they all stood up. And as it happened, shortly after Andrew had gotten out of the pool, about four boys got in. Some of them were preschoolers, some of them were in elementary school. Right after they got in, Andrew got his idea. He started with sand...Big handful of sand, dumped right into the pool. This behavior was immediately corrected by both me and the mom at the house. He took this news fairly peaceably, and I went back to pick Jeffy up and try to talk with the other moms.

I didn't last long. About a minute later Andrew was hoisting a huge rock up and running towards the pool. Me shouting his name doesn't do anything normally, but I thought I would try to at least show that I didn't think it was okay for him to put the rock in the pool. Naturally he totally ignored me, and launched the rock into the pool. The boys in there looked down at the rock, and then looked at Andrew like he was a creature from another planet, and then looked at me to see what I was going to do about this child's naughty behavior. I took Andrew by the hand, and said "NO ROCKS!" I then took him to the slip and slide to try and divert his attention. He played on the slip and slide for a minute or two, and I resumed my attempts at socializing.

Again, this did not last. A couple of minutes into his slip and slide experiment, he ran back to the rock pile. This time I managed to intercept him before he got to the pool and bodily forced him to put the rock back. He was not a fan of this and immediately went into tantrum mode, which includes ear piercing shrieks. The whole party stopped to look at Andrew.

This scene repeated itself about 10 times. Andrew just didn't understand why throwing rocks in a pool would be any different from throwing rocks into a river. Many of the moms tried to go up to Andrew and explain why he couldn't throw rocks in the pool. For a child with autism, verbal communication has very little meaning, and including hurting people in the explanation means even less. For children with autism, people generally hold the same position as any other object. The kids in the pool might as well have been trees.

So the tantrums continued until Andrew was completely beside himself. I took him over to the shade and tried to give him some food. The only thing he would take was a cookie, which unfortunately had M&M's in it. He would spit out the M&M's as they were a texture he didn't like. Everything else had textures Andrew refuses to eat at well, so even food was a source of conflict for us.

Finally, after yet another tantrum, I picked up both Andrew and Jeffy and told our hostess that we would be going. She seemed very distraught about this, but I tried to let her know that it was for the best as Andrew was having such a hard time and Jeffy was still feeling sick. I called Kadee Joy at that point to let her know that we were going, and immediately one of the mom's came up and asked where we lived, and let me know that she would take Kadee Joy home when the party was over if it was okay with me. That was very nice. So Kadee Joy got to stay while I packed up a very sick Jeffy and a very angry Andrew. I was shocked to see the only an hour had past since we'd arrived at the party. It had felt like a good two and a half hours.

So we got home, Jeffy immediately went down for what turned into a four hour nap, and Andrew got changed and turned back into his normal, happy self. He easily went down for his nap, and so I got about an hour of rest on the couch, which helped the blinding headache I had developed by that point.

As I lay resting on the couch, several things were coming to my mind and attacking my self-confidence. I looked around my messy house and wondered how the mom at the home we were just at kept everything looking so, well, perfect. My house has NEVER looked that put together. I'm at home all the time now, and my house seems no more organized than it does when I work outside the home full time.

Then I started thinking about my Andrew. I once again worried for his future, wondered how in the world he would be able to be around other kids in a school setting, stewed over what the other mothers were probably saying in my absence. Once again, I had left early, and my daughter was left to someone else's care.

Chris and I had ridiculous fights the few times we saw each other, which naturally makes me feel like a terrible wife. It's not that I think I was wrong in what I was saying, but my tact has never exactly been the best.

I did get to go roaming around Boise with a friend of mine without my kids later in the evening, where I got to spill my guts and get some frustrations out. It was funny because she had called wanting to talk about how to be supportive to her husband in his job frustrations, and that was exactly what I was trying to figure out how to be with Chris. Of course it was God bringing us together in that moment. We prayed together, and then went on our merry way. Of course, the big fight came to a head after we got back. I should have stopped and prayed with Chris before we started what should have just been a conversation. But I didn't. I just plowed through after things started getting a little heated and ended up in tears and silence.

So here I am this morning. Andrew's in the bath after making a mess with his diaper...again. This has been one of his new things, along with stripping down into nothing and coming out of whatever room he was playing in with a big smile on his face. Jeffy is feeling much better and is back to his usual happy self. Kadee Joy is doing pretty well, although a little sunburned from her extended excursion yesterday. And I feel...overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with the house, with Andrew, with the silence that is still ensuing. So I'll go and do what I should have done in the first place...read the Word, pray, and trust that God will bring me through these feelings as consistently as he always has.