I don't KNOW why I'm crying!

So today was my day to cry. Since going on an anti-depressant over a year and a half ago, I have very few days where I cry. It's not that I don't feel sad anymore...I'm just not crying every few hours, every day like I used to. But today, the floodgates were open and I let loose...right before my appointment to get my hair done.

For the most part during the week I feel great in the morning, energized at work, happy with the way things are working out...And then I get home. And once I get home, I go into shutdown mode. I literally lose all motivation to get anything accomplished. I feel physically exhausted, emotionally drained, and want so badly just to sleep. But of course, Chris has been at home all day with the kids, and he too would like a break.

I was trying to figure it out today. Trying to figure out why I feel so exhausted, why I felt so emotional today, why I started crying when I did.

I think that I'm just starting to hit a bit of a wall. These past five years have not been anywhere near stable. In fact, in God's presence and His Word are the only places where I have found any sort of stability. And I know that that's a life lesson many people have yet to learn, and something that Christians are supposed to try to learn. But today I just really felt like I wanted life to calm down...even if it was just for a little bit.

Andrew started his glutein free, casein free diet, which basically means he can't have anything he used to eat. And while we are seeing improvements, trying to get him to eat, which has always been a struggle, is now quite exhausting. But we are determined to stick with it, hoping that it will bring him more clarity of mind and help him to adapt to each environment more easily.

On Thursday we had his second meeting at his new school. This was the IEP meeting where we set goals for Andrew, and where we get all the paperwork in to get him enrolled. The meeting went much more smoothly than the first, even with Andrew running around constantly, trying to color on any surface he could find. We finally have a service coordinator, and she is WONDERFUL, and was also at the meeting. So Andrew will start his special preschool on November 10th.

I had my first program of the year (the first of three in the next 6 weeks), and it went well. We had our school carnival, which also went well. It was a little hard in some ways, though, because it kind of reinforced the isolation I feel sometimes with my position. Grade level teams all hang out together, work together, made baskets to sell together...and then there's me. Alone in the music room. Normally it doesn't bother me, and I try to include myself in various roles, but sometimes it just feels downright lonely to have to try and include myself, rather than naturally be included. I don't get automatic lunch plans on collaboration/work days, or continuous daily collaboration with colleagues...I have to find and make time for those things completely on my own. I realize this sounds like a pity party, but please know that I really do love my job. The natural isolation is just harder some times than others.

And then we went to the Halloween party where Andrew was in his usual "lots of people" form. He started throwing rocks into the small duck pool (I think it was supposed to be a game?), which of course was not okay. I foresaw another summer playdate tragedy coming, and tried to take him somewhere else. We stumbled across a small stream with lots of rocks next to it...perfect! At least, perfect for Andrew to throw rocks. Not so perfect for socializing with other grownups from my church.

And Andrew has not been sleeping...again. The melatonin was working great, but for the past few nights he's been up again, wide awake, and taking off all his clothes.

So, I'm tired. Very, very tired. And Chris is too. Andrew's diet and behavior are very isolatory as well (as far as going out in public), so we're kind of stuck in our house a lot. And that's really okay, most of the time. But while I would never trade having Andrew, there are days like this when I reminisce about the days when I didn't have to survey the environment for potential triggers, obstacles, or safety issues, and where we could go wherever we wanted to, for as long as we wanted to.

But this is life. And God is so faithful in giving us the strength that we need for each day.

Lord, please carry me tonight.