If only all brothers and sisters got along this well...

I've started so many blogs since my last one, but obviously have not finished any of them. Sometimes I will try to write on subject that I think someone in particular might want to read...and that NEVER works.

So let's see. We've been having a productive Spring Break. Not necessarily fun, but definitely productive. My mom came into town on Sunday night, and pretty much the minute she came into town, the purging began. My mom is a great purger. It should be her middle name. She sent two days straight helping Chris and I get our house into order. We filled pretty much an entire dumpster with papers that had needed to be sorted for two years. She also took 7 or 8 loads of laundry to a local laundromat and washed and folded them for us. Why doesn't she live closer?!

We also played a lot of cards and Monopoly. We had friends and family over pretty much every night, which was a lot like my whole teenage years. She also got me a PLANNER...something she's used since she was 18, and something that she's been wishing her disorganized daughter would use for the last 20. I've been using it like crazy so far (all two days)...we'll see if I keep it up after school starts back up again.

Update on Jeffy: Still not walking... so we took him back to the rheumatologist yesterday who decided that the next course of action should be to take him to the pediatric neurologist. He was able to "convince" them to take us in next week. The doctor was scheduled out until June. Not sure if this is a good sign or a bad sign. He used the word "malignant" which is never good, but used it only as something that is naturally at the back of a physician's mind when the SED rate continues to remain so high, but the usual rheumatic treatment fails to change anything. It's definitely not arthritis anymore, not muscular...so we're headed to brain issues now. Please continue to pray for additional wisdom for the doctors, and for protection for our dear boy. He's generally very smiley and giggly, but gets tired so easily, and is just not strong.

Andrew is still doing well, loving life, and very very smiley. He's such a joy.

Kadee Joy is brilliant as usual, and a little too smart and social for her own good. She officially quit ballet after a particularly tantrumish day...I was deeply saddened, but it appears she will have to take her natural athleticism a different way. As she put it she "wants to make her OWN dance." Isn't that the way of it.

My withdrawal from my anti-depressant has hit the more difficult wall of spacing out my doses every three days. I'm great the day I take it, and the next, and then the third day I'm an absolute basket case. The other night I went into "the depths of despair" as Anne Shirley calls it, but was able to intellectually tell myself that it would be better in the morning. And it was. I'm still hopeful that I will be able to wean completely off of it, although the walls have made it seem a much more challenging than it was the first ten days.

Today I coerced Chris into watching "Twilight" with me on DVD. He very graciously did not make fun of it while we were watching it. What a nice guy. We got some much needed snuggle time in while the kids took their naps. March Madness showed back up tonight, so naturally it will be on all night. My picks are winning as of this moment, which is good news for me personally, bad news for my husband. My goals in my marriage right now are to work on the areas of respect and physical affection with my husband. These are issues that we've always struggled with, and seem to go in waves of difficulty. Right now, I am riding a pretty big one. Please pray for me in this area, if you think of it.

I got to go to coffee with a friend of mine today, who did a great job of helping me my own life into perspective, and also allowed the Holy Spirit to convict me in several areas. Not in a "don't gossip" kind of way, but her struggles helped me to recognize my own struggles, and as I proceeded to give advice, I realized that I needed to be giving the same to myself.

School starts up again next week, and I can't believe it's already the 4th quarter. What an insane year. But I will say, it has been a great year.

Okay, off to spend time with my family. I am hoping we will be able to do something fun tomorrow or Saturday before I go back to work. And also hoping that the weather will turn warm again.

Costume party

A friend of ours had a costume party for her son's fourth birthday. We actually got costumes, and are so glad we did. Aren't they the cutest things ever? Jeffy is Curious George, Andrew is a "future" golfer, and Kadee Joy is Cinderella.

I decided to try and cheat on my diet and eat a piece of pizza...and now I'm paying for it. Both my ears are so full I can hardly hear. I think I've learned my lesson. :)

Withdrawal

Hi everyone! How's your morning going? Mine is going FANTASTICALLY well.

This past week and a half (well, three weeks, really) have been CRAZY. A few field trips, a lot more doctors appointments, my huge fourth grade musical....and withdrawal. Withdrawal from caffeine. Withdrawal from sodium. Withdrawal from restaurants and fast food places.

And to top it all off, this week I've tapered off my anti-depressant. So withdrawal from that too.

I didn't really think through what that would do to this week in particular, but I finally got to the point where I realized my actual need for the anti-depressant really was now only equated with my fear of what I would be like going off of it. And let me tell you, my fears of what I would become upon going off of it have been terrifying.

However, I came to another realization that finally helped me jump off the boat of fear and into the world of no anti-depressant. I have been very mellow on my anti-depressant. In the beginning, that was a much needed qualification as to why I should be taking it. I was so, so low, all the time. Being mellow was several steps up from that. And when I became mellow, I was able to think through steps without the barrage of emotions that had been blocking my ability to deal with life in a healthy way.

Being mellow (for me anyway) opened up many paradigm shifts in my head. My way was not necessarily the only way. Things not being done exactly as I wanted them did not necessitate berating the person who did it differently. Dishes not being done right away were not a cause for a meltdown. Going from irritated to screaming in a matter of seconds was not a healthy handling of life. Expecting perfection from myself and others was not realistic and would generate feelings of anger that were unjustified.

Notice a common thread here?

Unfortunately, this mellowness, while allowing me to figure out better ways of thinking through situations, also produced an almost apathetic view towards the things that actually needed to get done. As a result, my ability to handle finances, meet deadlines, and keep my house organized and clean (at least, as much as I usually do :) have greatly, greatly suffered. And then, to be honest...I don't care even when I see them suffer. I just physically do not care.

And physically and emotionally, I just don't experience any sort of highs or lows. I've visited the lowlands a few times when I'm a few hours late on my anti-depressant, but the highs have been left out of my life for quite a while. And not because I want to...I just can't get there.

And so, I realized that my thinking had changed enough to warrant at least thinking about going off of the anti-depressant. And my work, home, and marriage had suffered enough from my lack of emotion and drive that I realized I needed to at least try going off of it.

And so, one day, I did. And of course, that day, I felt STRESSED. I could feel it in my shoulders...my muscles in them were hard as rocks. It didn't help that my musical was two days away and I finally realized fully just how much I needed to do.

And then, something amazing happened. I was motivated enough to DO THEM. And I did. And I have kept doing them. Of course, I realize that it has only been four days (and don't worry, I'm under doctor supervision and am still taking them every couple of days so that my brain and body don't hate me), but the things that I have been able to FEEL again have been incredible. The day of my program, I was able to see and insist on details that needed to be better. And the night of my program I was able to really celebrate how great the kids were and how well the whole thing came off.

And at home, I've been catching up on all the things I've been putting off for months. Of course, I'm walking and talking faster as my brain moves faster, and I have much more energy (which could also be due to the fact that I'm no longer eating crap and drinking only caffeinated drinks), and I am feeling physically renewed.

So I'm optimistic. Spring is coming, I'm catching up, and I'm motivated.

Withdrawal is tough, but I think coming through the clouds will be worth it.