Withdrawal

Hi everyone! How's your morning going? Mine is going FANTASTICALLY well.

This past week and a half (well, three weeks, really) have been CRAZY. A few field trips, a lot more doctors appointments, my huge fourth grade musical....and withdrawal. Withdrawal from caffeine. Withdrawal from sodium. Withdrawal from restaurants and fast food places.

And to top it all off, this week I've tapered off my anti-depressant. So withdrawal from that too.

I didn't really think through what that would do to this week in particular, but I finally got to the point where I realized my actual need for the anti-depressant really was now only equated with my fear of what I would be like going off of it. And let me tell you, my fears of what I would become upon going off of it have been terrifying.

However, I came to another realization that finally helped me jump off the boat of fear and into the world of no anti-depressant. I have been very mellow on my anti-depressant. In the beginning, that was a much needed qualification as to why I should be taking it. I was so, so low, all the time. Being mellow was several steps up from that. And when I became mellow, I was able to think through steps without the barrage of emotions that had been blocking my ability to deal with life in a healthy way.

Being mellow (for me anyway) opened up many paradigm shifts in my head. My way was not necessarily the only way. Things not being done exactly as I wanted them did not necessitate berating the person who did it differently. Dishes not being done right away were not a cause for a meltdown. Going from irritated to screaming in a matter of seconds was not a healthy handling of life. Expecting perfection from myself and others was not realistic and would generate feelings of anger that were unjustified.

Notice a common thread here?

Unfortunately, this mellowness, while allowing me to figure out better ways of thinking through situations, also produced an almost apathetic view towards the things that actually needed to get done. As a result, my ability to handle finances, meet deadlines, and keep my house organized and clean (at least, as much as I usually do :) have greatly, greatly suffered. And then, to be honest...I don't care even when I see them suffer. I just physically do not care.

And physically and emotionally, I just don't experience any sort of highs or lows. I've visited the lowlands a few times when I'm a few hours late on my anti-depressant, but the highs have been left out of my life for quite a while. And not because I want to...I just can't get there.

And so, I realized that my thinking had changed enough to warrant at least thinking about going off of the anti-depressant. And my work, home, and marriage had suffered enough from my lack of emotion and drive that I realized I needed to at least try going off of it.

And so, one day, I did. And of course, that day, I felt STRESSED. I could feel it in my shoulders...my muscles in them were hard as rocks. It didn't help that my musical was two days away and I finally realized fully just how much I needed to do.

And then, something amazing happened. I was motivated enough to DO THEM. And I did. And I have kept doing them. Of course, I realize that it has only been four days (and don't worry, I'm under doctor supervision and am still taking them every couple of days so that my brain and body don't hate me), but the things that I have been able to FEEL again have been incredible. The day of my program, I was able to see and insist on details that needed to be better. And the night of my program I was able to really celebrate how great the kids were and how well the whole thing came off.

And at home, I've been catching up on all the things I've been putting off for months. Of course, I'm walking and talking faster as my brain moves faster, and I have much more energy (which could also be due to the fact that I'm no longer eating crap and drinking only caffeinated drinks), and I am feeling physically renewed.

So I'm optimistic. Spring is coming, I'm catching up, and I'm motivated.

Withdrawal is tough, but I think coming through the clouds will be worth it.