A Nyquil Induced Inward Gaze

I had an interesting night last night. I've been on Nyquil for the past 3 nights. This has resulted in approximately 12-14 hours of sleep every night. I know...I'm jealous of myself, too. Chris is a pretty rare husband. At least, I think he is. If I'm sick, or just having a rough night, he will just let me go to bed as early as I want to and will get the kids all ready for bed and put them down. And he's been doing that since last Friday because that's when I started to get sick.

But back to Nyquil...the runny, stuffy nose started in three nights ago, and thus the Nyquil. Nyquil has not been a part of my life for about five years. You're not supposed to have it when you're pregnant or breastfeeding, thus me not being able to do it in about five years.

So Nyquil became my dear friend and enabled me to get some much needed sleep. But of course, it brought along with it some truly bizarre dreams. Of course, my antidepressant has been giving me quite violent dreams for the last two years, and I always remember them the next morning. So in a sense, the bizarre is preferable.

Last night, one of the dreams (I say one, because I had three) took me back to my freshman year of college. I attended a college in Kirkland, WA...obviously did not stay there because I met and married Chris while attending and, later, graduating from NNU.

It was a very, very unpleasant year in real life. It brought out my worst insecurities and I had them publicized and criticized. I had my back stabbed on a few occasions, could not make close friends, and had a very, very sad social life. Academically I aced everything, but only because I literally had nothing better to do. I came back home from that place a very broken, disillusioned person.

I would like to say that NNU made up for it, but unfortunately I took hold of my future and early on made some of the worst decisions of my life. I look back now and am saddened at the opportunities (both socially and academically) that I didn't take advantage of. I look back and feel regret. And not regret as in I wish I could just leave the life I have and start over...but I just wish I had known then what I know now. And maybe deep down I did...and just chose to ignore it.

And so while my dream started back in my freshman year of college, my mind (once awake) looked over the course of those difficult, nearly mind breaking years and wondered how I survived them.

And now here I am...Thirty years old, married, three kids, and a steady job.

And yet for some reason I still don't feel like I have it together. Does that make sense? I feel like I still have a rather large and ever-lengthening list of things I should be, and of areas that I should be better at. I sometimes view the faces of of people I went to college with and think to myself, "They look like they have it together. They look like their kids are well behaved, that their marriage is going great and that they've had easy times since the beginning, that they probably don't have any debt, that their house is immaculate and well decorated, that their yard probably is weeded and mowed on a daily basis, that they..." and the list goes on.

Because for some reason, upon waking in the midst of the Nyquil haze, it seemed to me that those were the things that determined success in life. And to be honest, I don't think it's a bad list.

But God was so gracious in immediately reminding me that while I may struggle with some (okay ALL) of those areas at one time or another, He has a picture of what He would like me to be like...and the list is much more about what He can accomplish in me, rather than an overwhelming list of what I think everyone else (and even myself) are looking for in me in order to call my life successful.

So once again, I turn myself and my tendency to focus on what feels impossible standards over to my Heavenly Father who loves me. He loves me more than I love my kids...and He loves them more than I do too. He loves me more than my abundantly loving husband does too...and will continue to bless our struggling little family as long as we continue to place ourselves in His much more capable hands.

For I am convinced that my worth is in much more than just the superficiality of a clean house (although it would be nice to have it :), children who will behave everywhere regardless of whether or not they have had naps (because my kids are awesome in so many other ways), or some sort of illusion that those on Facebook are somehow more perfect than I am (because none of us are )...and that by placing myself in His hands, I can become the absolute best that He has created me to be. And the great thing is, I don't know what I will become yet, but I know that what I will become will be far, far better because the Artist of my life has a far great vision of what I shall become in His Care.

Celebrations

We've had a very busy few weeks in our family. Miss Kadee Joy turned five years old at the end of July. Naturally, we had to do our traditional trip to Red Robin. She LOVES getting sung to. LOVES it. And has loved it since she turned one all those years ago.

We took a trip to Tillamook at the end of that week. Kadee Joy's dearest wish was to see her Canadian cousins, so we did. It was a crazy trip, being just me and the kids, but it was good to see them and my mom.

The 8th of this month was a busy day with it being Jeffy's 2nd birthday and my 30th. Ugh. Chris planned a fantastic surprise party which included all the guests (and me) dressing like characters out of a book, lots of fantastic food, many of my dear friends, and of course...lots of trivia games. My husband knows me so well. I dressed like a flapper, representing Daisy Buchanan from "The Great Gatsby." Good times.

Jeffy and Kadee's joined parties with family will be coming...soon...So it's really hard to have a child born on the same day as you. Just so you know. :) He didn't really get a party last year. How different the third child is from the first child in terms of party craziness.

And then yesterday was Chris and I's EIGHTH anniversary. We started the day by watching our wedding video, which is always bittersweet. It's so fun to see us so young and excited, but tough to see the people who have passed since that day. Dad, Grandpa McCoy, Sue, Grandpa Phil...we miss you, and cannot wait to see you again in the life after this.

After we packed up the kids stuff and I packed with the instructions that we would not be staying the night at the house. So we dropped the kids off at the Paz house in Boise, and then Chris drove me just a mile or two away to...the Anniversary Inn! I have wanted to go there since I first heard about its existence shortly after we were married and this was my first time there. We stayed in the French Canopy Room which was BEAUTIFUL and included a waterfall shower, jacuzzi, and was just completely romantic.

Right after we dropped our stuff off, we cleaned up for dinner. Chris took me to an Italian restaurant in downtown Boise, "Asiago's". I had this crazy pumpkin gnocchi with a lingonberry sauce and it was terrific. During dinner, Chris passed me a small box with a red bow on it, and inside was a beautiful white gold ring with seven tiny beautiful diamonds. When we got married, we had only gotten a ring that stood by itself (no attachment for when we got married), so this was the attachment we'd never gotten. I was so floored by it, and so happy...I know it sounds silly and shallow, but it made me feel even more married.

After that, we went back to the Anniversary Inn, where we ordered room service, and Chris whipped out the BBC/A&E version of Pride and Prejudice. We watched this until I fell asleep. And of course I left out other details. :)

The only remotely questionable moment hit when I heard Chris unzipping the pillows in the middle of the night. They were made of down...Oops. Chris has a pretty severe down allergy which causes him to be unable to breathe, so I was very relieved that he figured it out before his reaction got too bad.

The next morning we finished Pride and Prejudice while eating a yummy breakfast in bed. Then we got to experience the waterfall shower which I am very interested in installing in our house. :)

We left five minutes before they would have kicked us out, and headed to Chris' last surprise...lunch in downtown at Le Cafe de Paris which I would HIGHLY recommend to anyone who has not tried it yet. It was absolutely delightful. I ordered the soup du jour, a Scallop and Bacon soup that was surprisingly low in sodium and a house salad. The salad had to get traded after I discovered the dressing had large chunks of salt, but the garden greens and vinegar and oil that came back was just as good, and much better for my ears and equilibrium.

I also got a nice basket of sliced baguette and seriously the best iced tea I have ever had. It was a great end to a fantastic time away. My husband did such a good job with the planning and literally arranged everything in such a way as to show me how much more he loves and knows me since the beginning of our eight years together. I love you, Chris Tiner!

O Summer...Where Hast Thou Gone?

At the end of this last school year, I was so burned out, so ready to be done. Perhaps it was too many early morning committee and staff meetings (of which I'll blame myself having signed up for them). Or maybe it was being called "prep teacher" one too many times. Or maybe my own attitude needed a huge adjustment and renewed focus. Or maybe I just really, really needed a break because I'm human and every once in a while we all would like a break.

Usually by this time of the summer, I'm feeling the urge to go back to my job as a music teacher. I'm ready for a more structured schedule, I'm ready to see all the students again, I'm ready to work on improving my craft as a music teacher. Usually by this time, I have realized once again why I am not a very good stay at home mom.

But my life seems to be filled with the unusual. And in this case, it is no different. I'm not ready yet. For me, it still feels like we JUST got done with the end of the year. The prospect of starting an entirely new year "already" seems ridiculous to me. I am hoping and praying that I will be re-energized in the next two weeks leading up to the start of school.

Kadee Joy will start Kindergarten in two weeks. She actually starts the exact same day that I report back to work...not quite sure how that will work out, but hopefully I'll be able to take her. I'm already a little emotional about it. I didn't think I would be since Andrew has been in the same school she'll be attending since last year in the special ed preschool. I think the difference is that I actually teach kindergartners. The fact that my daughter is now the same age as those I teach puts both them and her in a completely different life. I hadn't realized before what relative babies these poor kids are. No wonder the mothers and fathers who drop them off are so anxious to make sure they will be okay before they depart.

The depression beast came back and hit me the with the ferocity of a tempest. I'd gone back to my anti-depressant on an every other day basis at the end of the school year. I seemed to be doing okay, although I found that it was much more difficult to remember when I had last taken it.

After a particularly draining week, I forgot to take it three days in a row. It feels stupid that that would be a big deal, but sadly, it was a big deal. I wrestled with some of the darkest thoughts I've had in a long time. And they hit very hard. My bones felt as though weighed five times as much as normal, and my heart burned. It was difficult even to get out of bed. I tried to think logically about my life and the place I was in with my dear husband, my three beautiful kids, a home, a job, a loving family...and in my state of deep depression these thoughts did very, very little to pull me out. I felt the full weight of all the things I felt I "should" be doing, and all the roles I felt I "should" be fulfilling better. I became overwhelmed by all that I was not.

Now I realize that for those of you who have never struggled personally with depression, this seems like a ridiculous state to be in. There was literally no reason for me to be feeling the way I was.

And that, I think, is the dangerous part of depression. It's not a battle of the mind or of the will. It's a battle of the body.

So my husband nursed me back to health, making sure that I took my anti-depressant on time and regularly. He took me out into the sunshine and around Boise, forcing me to get the natural endorphins flowing as much as my depressed body would allow. He read the Psalms to me, prayed with me and for me, and reminded me of his love and my worth in his life.

It took a few days, but I finally am back out of it and into the land of the living. And so, my war with depression wages on.

And now I have two weeks of summer left. I will be turning 30 on Saturday (!) and Jeffy will be turning two on the same day. I'm excited for this week. I think there will be many, many fun experiences, and I plan on using these last two weeks well.

If you think on it, please pray for me in my battle with depression. The toll it takes on my family is much higher than I would ever wish for them.