O Summer...Where Hast Thou Gone?

At the end of this last school year, I was so burned out, so ready to be done. Perhaps it was too many early morning committee and staff meetings (of which I'll blame myself having signed up for them). Or maybe it was being called "prep teacher" one too many times. Or maybe my own attitude needed a huge adjustment and renewed focus. Or maybe I just really, really needed a break because I'm human and every once in a while we all would like a break.

Usually by this time of the summer, I'm feeling the urge to go back to my job as a music teacher. I'm ready for a more structured schedule, I'm ready to see all the students again, I'm ready to work on improving my craft as a music teacher. Usually by this time, I have realized once again why I am not a very good stay at home mom.

But my life seems to be filled with the unusual. And in this case, it is no different. I'm not ready yet. For me, it still feels like we JUST got done with the end of the year. The prospect of starting an entirely new year "already" seems ridiculous to me. I am hoping and praying that I will be re-energized in the next two weeks leading up to the start of school.

Kadee Joy will start Kindergarten in two weeks. She actually starts the exact same day that I report back to work...not quite sure how that will work out, but hopefully I'll be able to take her. I'm already a little emotional about it. I didn't think I would be since Andrew has been in the same school she'll be attending since last year in the special ed preschool. I think the difference is that I actually teach kindergartners. The fact that my daughter is now the same age as those I teach puts both them and her in a completely different life. I hadn't realized before what relative babies these poor kids are. No wonder the mothers and fathers who drop them off are so anxious to make sure they will be okay before they depart.

The depression beast came back and hit me the with the ferocity of a tempest. I'd gone back to my anti-depressant on an every other day basis at the end of the school year. I seemed to be doing okay, although I found that it was much more difficult to remember when I had last taken it.

After a particularly draining week, I forgot to take it three days in a row. It feels stupid that that would be a big deal, but sadly, it was a big deal. I wrestled with some of the darkest thoughts I've had in a long time. And they hit very hard. My bones felt as though weighed five times as much as normal, and my heart burned. It was difficult even to get out of bed. I tried to think logically about my life and the place I was in with my dear husband, my three beautiful kids, a home, a job, a loving family...and in my state of deep depression these thoughts did very, very little to pull me out. I felt the full weight of all the things I felt I "should" be doing, and all the roles I felt I "should" be fulfilling better. I became overwhelmed by all that I was not.

Now I realize that for those of you who have never struggled personally with depression, this seems like a ridiculous state to be in. There was literally no reason for me to be feeling the way I was.

And that, I think, is the dangerous part of depression. It's not a battle of the mind or of the will. It's a battle of the body.

So my husband nursed me back to health, making sure that I took my anti-depressant on time and regularly. He took me out into the sunshine and around Boise, forcing me to get the natural endorphins flowing as much as my depressed body would allow. He read the Psalms to me, prayed with me and for me, and reminded me of his love and my worth in his life.

It took a few days, but I finally am back out of it and into the land of the living. And so, my war with depression wages on.

And now I have two weeks of summer left. I will be turning 30 on Saturday (!) and Jeffy will be turning two on the same day. I'm excited for this week. I think there will be many, many fun experiences, and I plan on using these last two weeks well.

If you think on it, please pray for me in my battle with depression. The toll it takes on my family is much higher than I would ever wish for them.