Happy New Year!

Jeffy looking cute.


All the cousins...Kadee Joy, Jeffy, Isaac, Ephraim, Andrew and Finnie

My cute kids.

Chris, me, Kadee, Matt, Aaron, and Dina

Me, Aaron, and Kadee

Mom taking a funny picture of Kadee and I with each other's spouse

Me, Mom, Aaron, and Kadee
-----------------------------------------------------------------

2010 was a good year. There have been a few years during the last decade that were very hard and I was glad they were over, but this year was a good one.

Last night was officially our last night of Love INC. We graduated out of the program having paid off approximately $10,000 in unsecured debt...Holy Cow! It was very sad to say goodbye to our financial counselor, Rod. He was such a source of encouragement to us, and we will miss the hour a week we were blessed by him. Kadee Joy was quite distraught that last night was her last "Ruby Group." The boys didn't really know that anything different was going on, but gave hugs when asked. A family from the community adopted our family (through Love INC) and gave us a plethora of great Christmas presents. Opening them was overwhelming, exciting, and very, very humbling. We hope to be able to bless another family in a similar way in the very near future.

Last week (and the first part of this week) we were able to make the trip over to Tillamook. My mom rented a beach house for all of us kids (and our kids) to stay in. It was a fantastic beach house that had three stories, two kitchens, 5+ bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. It also had (of course) a fantastic view of the beach, which was good since it poured so much that we were only able to actually go on the beach one time for about five minutes. We all took turns making meals, and out of it came some pretty delectable cuisine. I got called "a Wirick girl" a couple of times at church, which always makes me feel good. :) It was wonderful to be with my immediate family for such a long period of time. We were also able to see some of my dad's side of the family, which has been rarer since he died. It was also the first time we had all been together for Christmas in Tillamook since Dad died, and was indeed a very special time.

Jeffrey recently discovered how to play the computer and is almost constantly asking for "letters" which is Jeffy for starfall.com, which he loves dearly. It's funny to watch him navigate his way through the program with Andrew shouting directions at him. They have such a funny sibling relationship. There are some things that are certainly different about having children with autism...but the huge lack of arguing amongst my children is something that I very much appreciate.

Chris and I have been doing well. Chris has been having some pretty major back pain recently, which we have been able to praise God for since he was uninsured for many years and didn't start having the pain until after he got insurance through his teaching job. We're hoping that the treatment he is receiving helps to improve his pain soon.

Since my thyroid surgery, I have noticed that my energy has been much, much better, as has my appetite. I am grateful for the excellent care I received.

Kadee Joy is reading very, very well. She's in the highest reading group at school. I've started to notice the upsides and downsides of this new skill...great that she is improving so much and can read to her siblings and to me, but not so great that she can now read what programs are coming on the TV that she wants to watch before I can switch the guide.

Autism is proving to be a very difficult beast to wrestle. I kind of laugh when I read older blog posts where I seem to know everything about autism. As I watch both of my boys grow, and as we gain more and more students with the same disorder, I realize how little I know of it, its' causes, and just what the future holds. We have been able to go out to eat on a couple of occasions thanks to some very generous church members who showed appreciation for Chris during pastor appreciation month, and we have found that going out is not nearly the challenge it used to be, although certainly there are still places (i.e. the Tillamook Cheese Factory) where the large number of people, sounds, sights, and smells prove to be too much for Andrew, who will begin throwing, running, screaming, or quoting to try and alleviate some of his sensory overload issues. Jeffrey does not seem to be quite as affected by it, or at least tries to cope by snuggling more, which I'm always up for. :)

My battle with depression has been going much better over the past few months. I am on a very light dose of anti-depressant, and have been able to feel above the clouds rather than right in them or under them.

I find myself very thankful at this particular time in my life. I have three beautiful kids, a husband who loves me very much, an unexpectedly perfect pet who has been such a wonderful addition to our family, a warm and comfortable house, a job that I love, a church family who is family, and friends and family who have been loyal and true through a variety of obstacles. I am excited to see what opportunities God brings into our very blessed lives.

Life

I have zero to complain about.

A few hours after I wrote my last blog, Chris interviewed for and was hired as a fourth grade teacher at an elementary school in Caldwell. The two and a half additional years of school and hard work paid off. I am so proud of him. We got the call while on our anniversary date, and it was one of the happiest moments we've had in a long time.

We now have three different school districts and their varying schedules in our household. Kadee Joy now attends my school. We didn't start her there last year. I'll admit that I was nervous about having my (sometimes stubborn) daughter in my own classroom. And since I am the music teacher, I would have her as one of my students no matter what grade she was in. But she really, really wanted to go to my school, and so I open enrolled her. I cannot begin to say what a positive change this has been for our relationship. We get so much mommy/daughter alone time before and after school, and it is always so fun to catch a glimpse of each other in the hallway. The discipline problems in my own classroom that I had worried about are non-existent, and she always cheers when I am her "specials" class for the day.

Andrew and Jeffy are now both attending the developmental preschool. I cannot begin to say how blessed we have been by their teacher. She is compassionate, loving, and so patient with our boys. It is not difficult to send them into her caring classroom. Jeffy came home from his first day explaining a need using complete sentences. "I wanna eat. I'n hungwy. I need some food!" Andrew has seemed very happy to be "going bye bye?" every morning, and both boys love getting to go back to the daycare they started last fall. It is a very loving daycare, and you can tell how good the staff there are by how comfortable my boys are in going each morning.

Chris has been tackling the challenges every first year teacher meets with professionalism and hard work. He goes in early to prepare and seeks out the advice of veteran teachers, and is just striving to be excellent in this God-given job...He makes me so proud! Thank you, Lord, for your provision in our lives!

Love INC is still going well, although it's definitely a time of transition. We didn't know how we were going to pay our first six weeks of daycare since Chris doesn't get paid till the end of September...and then a dear, close relative sent us a check that covered that bill and more...thank you, if you are reading this! God has been so, so faithful in providing for our every need and so much more. The hours I spent worrying were, of course, for nothing since God's plan was so much better than my own.

My own job is going well, and I can't help but think how blessed I am to be able to wake up each morning and fulfill God's calling on my life as a music teacher in a public school. I get to lead the school in dances every morning, and then teach every single child in the school through and about music. I LOVE MY JOB...and know how fortunate I am not just to have a job, but to wake up each morning looking forward to what I get to do. Thank you Lord for bringing me to this place, to these people, and to a time in our lives where we can sit back (at least for a few minutes) and remember that His plan is SO much better than ours.

Tribute to Chris

To know Chris Tiner is to know an impressively genuine person. There are many people who could list the faults of him, but that is to be expected considering that he wears his heart on his sleeve, does not change based on who he is around, and cannot for the life of him even attempt to be someone he is not. This can make him an easy target for criticism...He is himself, much to the consternation of those who are in the business of trying to change everyone to be more like themselves.

To know Chris Tiner is to know someone who is passionate and vocal about his loves. If you have spent five minutes with him, you know he loves the greatest country on earth (Texas), all sports related or formerly related to it, and its food (Tex-Mex). You would also know that he loves people, and would be surrounded by them all the time if his introverted wife would let him. He does not love half-heartedly...he invests of himself wholeheartedly.

But I have had the privilege of knowing Chris as his wife. And today, on our ninth anniversary, I would like to share a few things about my husband that many of you may never get to see.

1) Chris is ridiculously intelligent. Chris' outgoing, fun-loving nature often produces the effect of making people think he can't possibly have been serious enough in school to do well. Of course, I won't pretend that he was always the world's best student (and he wouldn't pretend that either), but he writes beautifully, outshines me in math (much to my egotistical dismay), spells just as well if not better than I do, and unfortunately usually beats me in every trivia game. And he writes and delivers beautiful sermons...although he'd much rather tell you his testimony for a few hours. :)

2) Chris has a very clear sense of right and wrong, and lives to a standard that is consistent wherever he goes. Now if you have gotten to know Chris Tiner, he has no doubt shared his testimony with you. There was a time three and a half years ago when he traded his standard in for a lie, and that was the only time I have seen him try to be someone he was not. I can tell you that since that time, he has not wavered for a second. And he is tireless in his resolve to keep others from going down the same path he went down. He is constantly trying to "live under God's umbrella," meaning that he always wants to know God's will for his life and live in it (and under it) each moment.

3) Chris is a WONDERFUL husband. I do not wake up doubting that I am loved. I don't wake up doubting I'm beautiful. I NEVER doubt that Chris will be excited to see me and talk to me, and tell me absolutely everything that's going one, whether minor or major. I don't worry about caring for the kids all by myself. Chris is a part of everything I do. I don't have to worry about whether or not my needs or wants will be met that day because Chris is constantly trying to anticipate and fulfill them. He is as non-traditional as husbands come...he cooks, cleans, changes diapers, while also still being the handyman around the house. What is it that I do, you ask? He probably wonders the same thing. :)

4) Chris talks as much at home as he does everywhere else. Women speak 20,000 words a day, men speak 7,000 words a day? Not in my house. It's quite reversed. I rarely, rarely, rarely have to work at getting Chris to talk to me. He will drop whatever he's doing to do it. As soon as he's done with something that I wasn't able to do with him, he will call me and tell me all about it. Even if he's watching a game on TV, he will try to include me in on his thoughts. I hear that's impressive...I don't know any different.

5) As much as Chris likes to talk about his own interests, he is constantly opening himself up to learning about things that interest others. In being married to me, he has gone to great lengths to become an expert on the things that matter to me, and is always looking for things that I can watch, see, or do that involve those things.

6) Life with Chris is never, ever boring. And it hasn't been since the day he came into my life.

7) Chris is proud of me. He doesn't question my abilities. He always supports any endeavor I try. He thinks I'm attractive even in my scroungiest moments. He is my safe harbor. He is my biggest fan. His love for me is unselfish, compassionate, and encouraging. He is the man God designed specifically for me.

8) Chris is himself. If you had to, you could come up with a list of weakness and faults that go along with these wonderful qualities. And many people, sadly, seem to use most of their energy to do so. But I am so thankful to know the whole of him, and praise God for the amazing work He did in creating my Chris. I know that I've left out a huge number of more great things, but it's four in the morning, and my mind is spent.

I love you, Chris Tiner. I don't deserve you. Thank you for choosing me.

Visitor Map!

Create your own visitor map!

Thoughts on Love INC

For those of you who don't know, Love INC is a non-profit organization that works with many churches in the Treasure Valley (any many other places in the nation) to provide a variety of services for people/families in need. And when I say in need, I don't just mean financial. For more info on them (because I don't know everything they do) go to their website.

I talk to my twin sister quite often, and it seems that Love INC comes up at least two or three times during that conversation. Recently, she mentioned that I should blog about my experience with them. And so, here it is. :)

I first heard about Love INC at College Church's Living Christmas Tree. I was in the choir, and the proceeds of all the concerts were going to their organization. They had several families give their testimonies about what the organization had done for them. One family had been up to their eyeballs in credit card debt, didn't have a stable home, and were on the verge of divorce. The program had given the resources and tools to get back on their feet, pay off their debt, purchase a home, and save their marriage. I remember getting a little emotional as I heard the testimonies, but also saying to myself, "How in the world does anyone get themselves into that much debt. I'm so glad I'm so smart financially."

And of course, God heard my thoughts. :)

Three years later, Chris and I were in marital crisis, and I was severely depressed. The finances took a backseat. I had always been in charge of paying the bills and knowing how much money we had at any given time. We were without any credit card debt. In fact, the only debt we had was our mortgage and student loans, which I had always understood to be "good debt."

Fast-forward three months, and we had been able to sell our house, but at a loss of over five thousand dollars. My mom lent us the money so that we could pay the loss. Chris' dad lent us money to move to Nampa. And so we arrived at my sister-in-law's house in Nampa to live there while we were looking for another house. They were so graciously generous with us, and yet we continued to spend as though we had the same income we'd had in Washington...except that neither of us were working at the time.

Credit card debt is dangerous in many ways, but what did us in was the fact that once it got to the point where we knew we couldn't pay it off, we just sort of stopped trying to keep it under control. Thoughts like, "Well, we're already so deeply in, a $4.19 drink from Starbucks won't make that much of a difference." And these thoughts, of course, are lethal to any attempt to get debt under control and paid off.

Fast forward to 7 months ago. Our debt was ridiculous. Over $14,000 in credit card debt. I still owed my mom the money for our house. We still owed Chris' dad for the moving expenses. We had around $2000 in medical bills. And Chris had gone back to school for his teaching certification, nearly tripling his student loan debt. I was up nights just thinking about it, not having any idea how in the world we would be able to pay it off. And Chris was about to start student teaching, so we would have an additional $1000 per month in childcare expense.

And that's where Love INC came back into my life. Friends of ours from church had mentioned the New Hope Relational program that Love INC offered, which had enabled them to pay off all of their debt, and gave them the tools to reach financial stability. And it was all biblically based in it's philosophy. Chris and I had tried to get into the program a year ago, but couldn't because his teaching classes were on the same night as the program itself, and they wouldn't let us do it with just me attending the classes for the program.

So Chris made a few calls during the first week of January, and after going through a brief interview, we were invited to come to the first orientation meeting. Our first meeting was so hardcore. We were told that the program works, but only for those who make it work. We had to commit to coming to the program every single Thursday night for a year, which included meeting with a budget counselor and taking various classes. We were told that we would have to give all of our credit cards, debit card, and checks to Love INC until we were finished with the program. And before being placed with a budget counselor, we had a variety of steps that we had to complete. If we didn't complete them within two months, we would be kicked out of the program. With that being said, the program was completely free. So they were entitled to a few rules.

I left that night feeling a little frightened. But I was even more frightened of the consequences of us not doing anything about our financial situation for even one more day.

So we continued going to the preliminary classes. We were taught things like how to balance a checkbook (which I was very arrogant about knowing how to do, even though I hadn't done it in years), the difference between various kinds of debt, etc. Our assignments for the first few weeks included writing down every single purchase we made, what we made it with, and what category of purchase it fit into (entertainment, home, groceries, transportation, etc.). We also started having access to Love INC's food pantry, which provides tons of dry and canned goods to the participants of the New Hope program. They use this to help cut normal grocery expenses while we try to pay down debt. It feels a little awkward at first...but we get over that as we see just how little we can actually live on.

The second set of classes included learning the different forms we would be using with our budget counselor, including a checkbook balance sheet, a monthly payment calendar, a budget worksheet, a debt worksheet (that one was hard), and also getting a credit report. The last one was very scary, but ended up actually making us feel better...our credit score was not anywhere close to as bad as we thought it might be. It did show us all of our creditors and the amount of debt we had (which I actually hadn't been totally aware of ...on purpose, of course). For attending the classes and completing the homework assignments, we began receiving vouchers as rewards. These vouchers included gas voucher, diaper vouchers, oil change voucher, haircut vouchers...more stuff that we could use so that the money we would normally spend on them could be used to pay down debt.

Once we had all of those things together and had turned in our credit cards, debit cards, and checkbooks (again, SCARY!), we graduated into the part of the program where we were interviewed by the head of Love INC, and then assigned to a budget counselor, who we would meet with weekly.

We were assigned to Rod, a wonderful man of God who I am so thankful for. He started out just getting to know us, looking at all of our forms to make sure we knew what we were doing, and then reassuring me (after I expressed a worry that we would do something wrong inadvertently and then get kicked out of the program) that he would guide us all along the way, and that if we did something wrong because we didn't know any better, he would be the one to blame, not us.

The way the meetings go with our budget counselor is pretty simple. We meet for an hour every Thursday night. We always pray at the beginning. Then he checks to see if our receipts match up with the amount of cash we started with at the beginning of the week. We get cash figuring out what our expenses will be for that week, discussing our predictions with our budget counselor, and then getting our checkbook back for a few minutes to write a check for cash to take to the bank the next day. The cash we get is what we have to live on for that week. If we run out...too bad. We have to wait until the next Thursday. At first we budgeted a little high, but then found that we always had extra money, so kept paring down what we were spending. We started out spending approximately 100 dollars a week on gas and around 80 dollars a week on groceries. We now usually spend around 60 dollars a week on gas and 30 dollars a week on groceries.

Rod always, always, always brings us back to the word of God. Every need, praise, or prayer request is brought before God. And also, if the need is one that Love INC has the possibility of meeting, we can put a request into the program. It has so many partners or former participants across the Treasure Valley that things like car repairs can be done with minimal cost to us...and the money we would normally spend on that would once again be used to pay down debt. And about every three weeks, Rod will ask us to "sweep the account." This is where we plan out the next 6 weeks of expenses, compare it with what we will make and what we have in the bank, and take any excess and pay down our debt. And we ALWAYS HAVE EXCESS.

We now have a balanced checkbook, and always know exactly where our money is going. Our bills are completely up to date. We have obviously added nothing to our credit card debt, since we don't have our credit cards.

And since starting the program, we have paid off nearly $8000 in debt. Can you see the smile on my face in your imagination?

This is such an incredible example of the church at work. It is not just one church that contributes to and runs this program. There are so many churches and volunteers from all over the Treasure Valley who contribute. And the people who come to the program are from all walks of life. But we are all at a point where we know there is a better way to live, and simply weren't able to get there on our own.

This has been a long post, but I hope an encouraging one. For those of you who live in the Treasure Valley, or anywhere else where there is a Love INC program, I would HIGHLY encourage you to get involved. Some of you might be like Chris and I...in that stage of knowing you need help with your finances and are tired of trying to fix them on your own. Others of you might have things to donate, or time to volunteer. But I can tell you, from personal experience, it is a life changing program, and one that IS making a difference in people's lives. Please be in prayer for this ministry, and give God praise with me for the wonderful people He put in our lives through it. If you have any more questions about it, feel free check out the website, or e-mail me if you would like prayer for your particular situation.

Praise God for the great work He is doing through His people!

Strides

Summer has proved to be what it usually is...a time of rest (daily naps, woo-hoo!), a time of reconnecting (I thought I knew my kids...I'm finding out their depths are as endless as my own), and a time of reorganizing (for those of you who know me well, I know the last one is hard to believe).

It has, at times, been rather lonely. I find that when Chris leaves town, fewer people can or want to hang out, so I have many more hours alone with my kids than I am used to. This is not necessarily a bad thing, since so much of the school year is spent apart, but it has pushed me into a few moments of self doubt about this particular time in my life. This is where the time for reorganizing and reconnecting with my kids comes back in.

In the time spent with my kids, I've discovered quite a few things.

Kadee Joy: really never can have "too much" attention. I used to view this as a bad thing. I still struggle with it, but then just realize that she is simply designed this way, and it serves her well in new social situations. I'm afraid she really does get the raw end of the deal in having not one, but two brothers with special needs. She is the one that we depend on for normalcy, and whom we expect the most out of. She really is so good to her brothers, and has such a funny little personality. Mommy and Daddy dates mean the world to her, as do getting to go over to other people's houses. She recently told some friends of ours "Come over if you get bored!" She always wants people around. Sound like anyone else we know? :)

Andrew: had really hit a wall, developmentally. He had also regressed in his communication and had begun having almost hourly meltdowns that consisted of the most wretched screams I have ever heard, although they were probably more wretched to me because I am his mother. It's hard to tell what exactly triggered them...he could be at home, in his comforts zone, or he could be in very crowded public places. He could be well rested, or he could be tired. He could be full, or he could be hungry. Vacation Bible School raised my concerns dramatically when he couldn't even attend 3 out of the 5 nights because he had had such rough days that we knew he would have to spend the entire time separated from all of his peers, and placed in the nursery. And four year olds do not belong in the nursery.

So on Monday, I took him to his semi-annual autism doctor's appointment, and after describing the consistency and type of his behavior, we decided to go the medication route. I had hoped to avoid it. Chris had reservations about it, knowing that Andrew was not deciding to be medicated, but rather being forced.

The first day on it, Andrew was a zombie. He fell asleep for three hours (during the day) and then kept asking to go to sleep. It was completely atypical Andrew behavior.

The second day, still mostly a zombie. He layed down on the couch on his own, and once again took a three hour nap and had very little energy for the rest of the day.

Then the third day came, and I noticed that the screaming had gone done from multiple times in an hour to only a few times during the entire day.

And then the zoo trip came. That was yesterday. He was not in a stroller, was surrounded by people (including the group of youth we had taken with us) and did not have his usual comforts (blanket and sippy cup). And he did SO WELL. He didn't run. He held our hands the entire time (which he can usually only tolerate for about 30 seconds). He showed great interest in the animals, many of which he labeled properly. And I'm fairly sure if he did scream, it was only one or two times, and it was never very loud. It was a good day. :)

Jeffy: This little boy seems to amaze everyone who comes in contact with him. He's so smart. Yesterday, Chris and I were watching the West Wing and he had snuck out of bed for what must have been the sixth time that night. When the opening music came on, he started conducting it. Every single rhythmic and melodic change was noted by his gracefully moving arms. It was CRAZY, but so cool. He also did extremely well at VBS, and was able to stay with his peers the entire time, and loved doing all the movements to the music.

He has been climbing like crazy, jumping like crazy, running all over the place, all of which he was nowhere near being able to do last summer. He goes to a developmental therapy group for 2 1/2 hours once a week, and the therapists always sing his praises when we pick him up. He's still working on interacting with his peers...he relates to objects, letters, and numbers much more easily...so we continue to try and get him into as many social situations as Andrew will allow. Hopefully that number will grow.

And then there's Chris and I. I don't know if anyone else finds this to be true, but the summertime can bring out both the best and the worst in the lives of married couples because you have so much more time together than usual. Chris and I are so different from each other, and this always is more pronounced during the summer time, since both of us are at home so much more often.

I have been struggling with the respect issue. Any other women struggling with that in regards to their husbands? I find this to be particularly difficult after Chris has been gone for a little bit. I become master of my home domain, and then he comes back and I still want to rule all. :)

I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the fact that I have grown up my whole life knowing, and being told, that I could do anything I wanted to do. I have always been captain of my own fate, spiritually, educationally, career-wise...

Then marriage comes along, and so much of what they teach in the church is subjection to a husbands decisions and plans, and respect for him as the head of the household. And this seems to totally contradict what I as an independent woman have learned and experienced in the world outside of marriage. I find myself wanting to voice my own opinion as being the superior one CONSTANTLY. I find the role of a wife just plain old HARD in so many ways.

And yet, as a Christian and student of the Word of God, I know that He has called me to something else. To something harder, more against nature perhaps...but so much of my natural instincts are so wrong, and so hurtful. And I see what my attitude of disrespect does to my husband. I see the pain, and know how hurtful it is to him.

So, in this blog on strides, I would ask you to pray for me, as a wife called to something higher in Christ. I would ask for you to pray that my heart would be changed and my mind renewed to that of Christ's.

I want to be a woman with Christ living through her, more than trying to meet the double standards that this world has set up in regards to the many roles I now find myself in. And by the way, in case you didn't know, my husband is WORTH it. He takes such good care of me in so many extraordinary ways that most wives would be amazed to see in their own husbands. This is what makes the struggle so sad...I don't have a mean, obnoxious, chauvinistic, abusive husband...I have a wonderfully kind and really unique husband who is very desirous of my time with him.

Prayers needed! But so many praises as well.

Abi-girl

So we have a new addition to our family. This is Abby, and she is SUCH a good girl. Kadee Joy started calling her "Abigirl" instead of Abigail, which I think is pretty cute, so we all end up calling her that throughout the day.

Miss Abby came to us after much praying and searching. We've been considering getting a dog for quite a while, mostly for Andrew. He (as well as most children with autism) connects with animals far more easily than with humans, and we have seen him just light up when around dogs. I've been scanning humane society websites, ads in the newspaper, craigslist, putting out emails to my church and school district looking for the perfect dog for our family. A few times, I thought I'd come close, but God had much better plans for us.

Last Wednesday I was doing my usual look at the craigslist adds for dogs that were being re homed and I found an intriguing title. "Abby-babby-bo-babby, banana fanna, fo-fabby!"

I figured anyone who used a song to introduce their dog was a good sign. So I looked and found a BEAUTIFUL four year old yellow lab looking at me (via picture of course). She was house trained, said to be very gentle, and a great family dog (including allowing their toddler to sit on her head). Her family was being stationed overseas, so they needed to find a good home for her.

So I e-mailed them, and then couldn't wait for the reply so called the number. It turned out the Miss Abby came from a very unique family...which included a four year old with autism! (He's the one who would sit on her head) They were willing to waive the re-homing fee if the perfect family came along, and we agreed that we would indeed be the perfect family. We brought the info to our budget counselor at Love INC who felt that God had indeed lined this dog up for us. So the next day, Chris and the kids went to Mountain Home and picked her up. I'm pretty sure that for Chris it was love at first. I called within a few minutes after I knew he would have picked her up, and he was smitten. Andrew had been melting down as they picked Abby up, but as soon as she came into the van he calmed down and giggled at his new doggy.

Since coming home she has been WONDERFUL. Andrew has been all over her, and she is very patient with him, having not even so much as growled. Jeffy likes her too, especially when she barks at the garbage man (this sends him into hysterical giggles). Kadee Joy loves her Abi-girl too, and is very good at picking on our clues of how to get her to go outside, lay down, sit, etc.

Miss Abby has so far been a wonderful addition to our family, and we are so grateful to God for his timing in bringing her to us.

"I became a complaining person."

This blog has been a few weeks in the making. I actually meant to write it as soon as I got back from my church's women's retreat, but then life took over and I didn't do until now.

I went up to retreat on a scholarship...I went up without having to pay for the gas to get there because I carpooled. I didn't bring any cash with me...we're in the financial program I've talked about before, and since my meals were included in my scholarship, Chris didn't really think I needed to take any extra money. Note how "Chris" didn't really think I needed it...

The friend who was so graciously taking me up there stopped to get something to eat on the way up. It was at Subway, a place I normally wouldn't be able to get much at anyway, and I'd already eaten a full dinner before I came. But the smell of the bread brought on the Pavlovian effect it usually does, and my heart was bitter with my husband for not giving me any cash to buy whatever with. And I'm pretty sure I mentioned this to my gracious friend while she and her sister ate.

Then the topic of coffee cards came up for discussion. Coffee cards go with the small coffee bar that is located at the retreat center, and husbands or friends can purchase them for someone going to retreat before hand. If you know me, you know my love for coffee, and I became embittered again as I KNEW there would be no coffee cards waiting there for me, and I would have no money to purchase them.

We got to the retreat center late that night. We got all of our stuff put away, including the stuff that had been waiting for us when we got there. We had a pretty fun night of games, but I was tired and went to bed early (or at least, early for retreat). The earplugs they provided worked very well and I woke up quite refreshed.

As I was getting ready that morning, another friend asked me if I wanted her to get me some coffee. I was determined not to be whiney, so I said no. Apparently my whininess extended from my heart into my tone of voice, because she asked if I had any coffee cards. I said no. So then she asked if I had check the pad of paper I'd been given when I'd first arrived at retreat...I hadn't. She told me that if someone had given me one, it would be in there, but if I didn't have one, she would buy me one. She was so nice about it, but I declined. I knew that there would be coffee in the dining hall at breakfast and I was starting to feel like a schmuck. After she left to go down and get coffee, and sprinted over to my bag and checked my pad of paper...Lo and behold, someone had anonymously bought me a coffee card, and there it was! I was so humbled, and I quickly offered a word of thanks to God .

After breakfast, we went up for our second session with our speaker. I had missed the first session because we had arrived after it had finished, but was intrigued by the title of this session. Something about, "Manna again, Lord?" It was worded better than that, but I knew enough of the story to have my heartstrings tugged a little bit.

We had wonderful worship in song, and then we moved onto the message. I would quote it word for word, but sufficeth to say it was on complaining, and how we as Christians are currently modeling what the Israelites did in the desert when God was bringing them to the promised land. He was consistently providing for their NEEDS, and they consistently complained about their WANTS. And our speaker uttered one phrase that really struck my heart: "I became a complaining person." Holy cow, was I convicted...I could have spoken the words myself and they would have been perfectly true. She talked about how entitled most people in the church feel, and how we complain when all the things we feel entitled to don't happen.

We have a wonderful opportunity for quiet time with God, and this retreat is up in McCall so I took my time outside. It was a GORGEOUS day. I mean gorgeous. McCall is up in the woods, and we were at this beautiful camp that was covered in snow, but it was not too cold and was very sunny. So I sat outside in the sun, and went through the questions our speaker had asked us to ponder. One of the first ones asked what things we felt entitled to.

I wrote a few things down, and then a few more, and pretty soon my list of things I felt entitled to took up several pages. I felt entitled to be able to have and spend as much money as I wanted to when I wanted to, especially as it concerned food and clothing. I felt entitled to have normal, well-behaved children. I felt entitled to be respected. I felt entitled to have Chris do most of the work, and yet for him to expect very little of me, even though he is the one who works three jobs. I felt entitled to have a perfect marriage. I felt entitled to come home to a perfectly clean house with all the yardwork done and have my children and husband completely joyful at my return...

Is the list starting to sound ridiculous? It certainly did as I wrote them down. But I realized that while they sounded ridiculous on paper, they had been part of my thinking for years. And if anything I felt entitled to didn't happen, I complained about them. And I complained loudly, and very often, especially at home and at work.

And this was my witness? This was my cry to the world on how Christ was working in my life?

The next question asked which of the entitlements I had listed were things I felt God asking me to surrender. That was easy...all of them. So I took my list and went for a walk on the snow covered field. It was even warmer out there, with the sun reflecting off of the snow. I spread my arms out wide and began giving my entitlements over God. One of the things that our speaker had mentioned was having our hearts changed so that when our first physical inclination was to complain, we should instead replace it with reminding God of our trust in Him. As I walked around the field, I kept whispering, "I trust you, Lord. I trust you." And I gave Him back my boys, who I'd felt entitled to be healthy and normal. And I gave Him back my marriage, knowing that he had a plan far better than my own. And I gave Him back my husband and praised Him for the transformation I have seen in him, and how wonderful he is. I kept giving things up, and God replaced them with peace and thanksgiving in my heart. IT WAS WONDERFUL, and it was so freeing. I began to see how much I had to be thankful for, and how consistently God provides for our every need..and our wants sometimes too. :)

The rest of the weekend was fantastic, and God showed His power time and time again. Coming back down, I felt like a brand new person.

It has been three weeks since retreat. My time since retreat has gone back and forth, depending on the choice I make in how to react to situations. I am still placing my trust in God, knowing that He has provided for us in everything so far, and that He will continue to do so. I am so thankful for everything He has given me, and am continuing to pray that Christ will live through me.

Spring Breakin' It

We're half way through Spring Break, and I am already looking forward to summer. It has been such a nice few days of relaxation, cooking, baking, playing, cleaning, and it feels like I'm getting to know my kids all over again.

Kadee Joy goes back and forth between amazing mother hen instincts and little girl tantrums...which makes sense since she's in kindergarten. She is so funny. She loves to entertain us ALL THE TIME.

Andrew has been showing us a little bit of imaginary play, which is HUUUUUUGE for him. Yesterday he was playing Lucifer the Cat...Kadee Joy kept saying "Lucifer, come HERE!" and Andrew would crawl over to her on all fours. :) He has been a very good boy, except for the 10 minute tantrum he had when he couldn't express what he wanted. I decided to take that opportunity to give him a haircut. He HATES haircuts. Hates them with a passion. But, since he was already in a bad mood, I figured I might as well make the most of it. Some spots are missed, and some are shorter than they should be, but you try cutting the hair off a constantly spinning, thrashing object, and I doubt you'll do better. :)

Mister Jeffrey has been so fun over this break. He's taken to wearing hats, and if he's not wearing a hat, he's putting a hat on someone who doesn't have one. He also has developed an obsession with water bottles. I'll give him a tiny little bit in a water bottle, which he will then jump up and down about (spilling some of it) and then will drink the rest. He then asks for more wa-wa, and the cycle continues. He's been labeling EVERYTHING, and has figured out a complicated little toy phone that asks him to identify numbers, colors, and shapes, so that has been on pretty much all of break as well. He loves to watch me cook, which I've been doing a lot of, so Jeffy and Mommy have been getting a lot of bonding time.

Love INC has helped us to see that we really shouldn't be spending any money on entertainment or unnecessary travel, so we've mostly been at home. It's been wonderful. Chris has been getting some much needed downtime from two of his three jobs. He had a guys overnighter last night, so is a little tired today. I had a girls overnighter on Friday of last week which was extremely fun. The youth in our group are such awesome people.

We've been able to do some fun hanging out with family and friends as well. Mom was here last week, and while I'm sure it was not much of a vacation for her, she was so helpful in getting our house reorganized and cleaned up. It was nice to wake up on the first morning of Spring Break and not be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of housework needing to be done...because it already was. The kids of course loved having her here as well. Miss Thing and Mom got into it several times...I'm pretty sure it's because they're so much alike. Mom of course loves her grandboys, and was always up for snuggling, hugs, and kissies. She was able to fill in our clothes gap also, so we should be nicely decked out for Easter.

Settler's of Catan has been our primary activity whenever one or more additional adults happen to show up. I love that game. :)

Tomorrow night we have a Good Friday service, Saturday we have a big Eggstravaganza at our church, and then Sunday is the best day of the entire Holy Year, in my opinion. I remember three years ago when the Resurrection came early...What a wonderful reminder of the infinite power of God to heal, grow, and even resurrect.

2 in 110

Jeffy was diagnosed with autism on Monday, February 22nd.

This diagnosis was totally different than Andrew's diagnosis. With Andrew's diagnosis of autism, I felt almost a sense of relief that I was right in thinking there was something wrong.

With Jeffrey, having already been in the difficult process of raising a child with autism, I kept hoping that the reasons for his huge physical and communicative delays would be something else...ANYTHING else. I remember even saying that to our pediatrician six months ago when she red-flagged Jeffy for an autism screening; "I just don't want it to be autism."

But the doctor was able to diagnose Jeffy even more easily than the other doctor who had diagnosed Andrew. Jeffy's savant skill of reading mixed in with his other delays made it easy. His inconsistent hearing, his echolalia, his delay in motor skills, his extreme independent play...yeah, it was an easy diagnosis. "Does he do this? Does he ever do this?"....yes, he spins, yes he flaps, yes he sings and quotes movies that have nothing to do with the current conversation, no he cannot answer or ask "wh" questions, no he does not seem aware of personal space, no he is not able to read facial expressions, well, actually he knows all of his alphabet, lower case and upper case, and can identify his numbers 1-14..., no he doesn't use imaginary play...


So while it makes sense that this is Jeffy's individual diagnosis, the part I am struggling with the most is that I have two boys with autism. My "normal" daughter is the exception to the rule of my children.

Does this sound hopeless, pessimistic, etc?

Forgive me if it does. It's not that I've given up on my boys.

I was just still battle weary from the ongoing first war. I am now fighting a two front war, and it is utterly exhausting.

Does anyone really read these?

I know I personally read some blogs religiously, but it's such a funny thing to be the author of one...I really do wonder sometimes if anyone knows or cares what's going on in my little head. It's been a while since I've updated, but this three day weekend I find myself with an opportunity to do it, so here it goes.

I think probably the main reason I haven't written for awhile is because my oft-fought battle with depression has been raging again. I know that some of you might be thinking, "I thought she was done with that..." Don't worry, I was hoping to be done with it as well. I had a switch in medication a few months ago, and while the side effects I'd been trying to get rid of did indeed go away, my overall mood changed to increasingly, well, moody. :) Depression, so far anyway, is more of an ocean to me, not a cup of water...it comes in waves, and is not finished in one sitting.

I found that most of the time, after I would come home from work, my brain would be pretty cloudy (there's actually a term in circles of people with depression called "brain fog"...totally makes sense to me). In fact, my overall cycle of living would be: motivated in the morning, fatigued in the afternoon, and pretty well down and without energy in the evening. This proved particularly difficult as I would be at work during my "good" time of day and at home during my down (both physical and emotional) time of day.

Starting in December, after a long and depressed November, I got back into personal counseling, which I hadn't been in since first moving back to Nampa. Starting with my first session, I started digging down deep and shared things I've rarely shared with anyone else. And in that sharing, it became pretty obvious that I have lived a fairly consistent cycle of guilt, anxiety, stress, and despair. And each of those would, in turn, lead to shutdown and unresolved anguish that I carry around have been carrying around for a very long time.

I have been looking for the safety that I remember from childhood for a very long time. I have been looking for the unchanging and unconditional love that my dad showed for me when he was alive. I have been downtrodden by the vast number of ways I feel I don't measure up, which includes how I am relating to those close to me. I have been fighting a losing battle with all the things I should be doing.

And in counseling, and through an inordinate number of people and messages, I have realized that I have ignored the truth that I have known in my head since childhood...that the safety, peace, and unconditional love I seek is what God so desperately wants to provide me. There really is NOTHING that I could do to make Him love me more...or, in my case, love me less. God sees me as valuable, as good enough, and wonderful just as I am. He sees me as beautiful, as intelligent, and as worthy of being loved. And He has already taken those things that I continue to try and carry...and wants to take the things I am continuing to collect. One night, while laying on my bed, I just had it out with God...Sobbing, I asked Him to find me good enough as I was. And He did, and does...Isn't that fantastic?

Jeffrey is going into the autism doctor in February. He was red-flagged in August for missing a number of developmental milestones, and his obsession with letters and numbers has started to become a problem since he isn't able to see past them if they're on toys. We don't know what the diagnosis will be. There's a condition known as hyperlexia that his therapists seem to think fit him pretty well...but it is possible that both of our boys will have autism as a part of their lives. I even managed to take that...producing two beautiful boys with autism spectrum disorder...as a sign of flaw in me as their mother, which traveled back into the cycle of guilt and despair.

But God made my beautiful boys too...and finds them even more valuable and precious than I do, which is simply extraordinary to me. And knowing how I feel about them reinforces the sheer power of His love for me.

Chris has officially started student teaching. This means that all three of our kids are in daycare (except when Kadee Joy and Andrew are at school). We had quite the time trying to find a daycare that would be able to get our kids from school, as well as being affordable...and being a place where our kids actually wanted to go, and where we feel comfortable enough sending them there. We were able to find a place the Friday before Chris started, and they have been wonderful. It's been nice to have all of us be so busy, in a funny way. We're praying that there will be a teaching job when Chris finishes his student teaching. Pray along with us, will you?

We've also started the LOVE Inc financial program. Our finances have been one of those areas that have sat on the top of my conscience, and have been particularly good at adding to my anxiety and guilt. So starting LOVE Inc has been humbling, but so relieving...we don't have to carry it alone anymore.

If it seems to you that I come to funny, obvious God realizations every other blog, I probably do. I think that's how God works though...He is constantly revealing Himself in new and powerful ways...provided we give Him the time to do it. :)