Strides

Summer has proved to be what it usually is...a time of rest (daily naps, woo-hoo!), a time of reconnecting (I thought I knew my kids...I'm finding out their depths are as endless as my own), and a time of reorganizing (for those of you who know me well, I know the last one is hard to believe).

It has, at times, been rather lonely. I find that when Chris leaves town, fewer people can or want to hang out, so I have many more hours alone with my kids than I am used to. This is not necessarily a bad thing, since so much of the school year is spent apart, but it has pushed me into a few moments of self doubt about this particular time in my life. This is where the time for reorganizing and reconnecting with my kids comes back in.

In the time spent with my kids, I've discovered quite a few things.

Kadee Joy: really never can have "too much" attention. I used to view this as a bad thing. I still struggle with it, but then just realize that she is simply designed this way, and it serves her well in new social situations. I'm afraid she really does get the raw end of the deal in having not one, but two brothers with special needs. She is the one that we depend on for normalcy, and whom we expect the most out of. She really is so good to her brothers, and has such a funny little personality. Mommy and Daddy dates mean the world to her, as do getting to go over to other people's houses. She recently told some friends of ours "Come over if you get bored!" She always wants people around. Sound like anyone else we know? :)

Andrew: had really hit a wall, developmentally. He had also regressed in his communication and had begun having almost hourly meltdowns that consisted of the most wretched screams I have ever heard, although they were probably more wretched to me because I am his mother. It's hard to tell what exactly triggered them...he could be at home, in his comforts zone, or he could be in very crowded public places. He could be well rested, or he could be tired. He could be full, or he could be hungry. Vacation Bible School raised my concerns dramatically when he couldn't even attend 3 out of the 5 nights because he had had such rough days that we knew he would have to spend the entire time separated from all of his peers, and placed in the nursery. And four year olds do not belong in the nursery.

So on Monday, I took him to his semi-annual autism doctor's appointment, and after describing the consistency and type of his behavior, we decided to go the medication route. I had hoped to avoid it. Chris had reservations about it, knowing that Andrew was not deciding to be medicated, but rather being forced.

The first day on it, Andrew was a zombie. He fell asleep for three hours (during the day) and then kept asking to go to sleep. It was completely atypical Andrew behavior.

The second day, still mostly a zombie. He layed down on the couch on his own, and once again took a three hour nap and had very little energy for the rest of the day.

Then the third day came, and I noticed that the screaming had gone done from multiple times in an hour to only a few times during the entire day.

And then the zoo trip came. That was yesterday. He was not in a stroller, was surrounded by people (including the group of youth we had taken with us) and did not have his usual comforts (blanket and sippy cup). And he did SO WELL. He didn't run. He held our hands the entire time (which he can usually only tolerate for about 30 seconds). He showed great interest in the animals, many of which he labeled properly. And I'm fairly sure if he did scream, it was only one or two times, and it was never very loud. It was a good day. :)

Jeffy: This little boy seems to amaze everyone who comes in contact with him. He's so smart. Yesterday, Chris and I were watching the West Wing and he had snuck out of bed for what must have been the sixth time that night. When the opening music came on, he started conducting it. Every single rhythmic and melodic change was noted by his gracefully moving arms. It was CRAZY, but so cool. He also did extremely well at VBS, and was able to stay with his peers the entire time, and loved doing all the movements to the music.

He has been climbing like crazy, jumping like crazy, running all over the place, all of which he was nowhere near being able to do last summer. He goes to a developmental therapy group for 2 1/2 hours once a week, and the therapists always sing his praises when we pick him up. He's still working on interacting with his peers...he relates to objects, letters, and numbers much more easily...so we continue to try and get him into as many social situations as Andrew will allow. Hopefully that number will grow.

And then there's Chris and I. I don't know if anyone else finds this to be true, but the summertime can bring out both the best and the worst in the lives of married couples because you have so much more time together than usual. Chris and I are so different from each other, and this always is more pronounced during the summer time, since both of us are at home so much more often.

I have been struggling with the respect issue. Any other women struggling with that in regards to their husbands? I find this to be particularly difficult after Chris has been gone for a little bit. I become master of my home domain, and then he comes back and I still want to rule all. :)

I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the fact that I have grown up my whole life knowing, and being told, that I could do anything I wanted to do. I have always been captain of my own fate, spiritually, educationally, career-wise...

Then marriage comes along, and so much of what they teach in the church is subjection to a husbands decisions and plans, and respect for him as the head of the household. And this seems to totally contradict what I as an independent woman have learned and experienced in the world outside of marriage. I find myself wanting to voice my own opinion as being the superior one CONSTANTLY. I find the role of a wife just plain old HARD in so many ways.

And yet, as a Christian and student of the Word of God, I know that He has called me to something else. To something harder, more against nature perhaps...but so much of my natural instincts are so wrong, and so hurtful. And I see what my attitude of disrespect does to my husband. I see the pain, and know how hurtful it is to him.

So, in this blog on strides, I would ask you to pray for me, as a wife called to something higher in Christ. I would ask for you to pray that my heart would be changed and my mind renewed to that of Christ's.

I want to be a woman with Christ living through her, more than trying to meet the double standards that this world has set up in regards to the many roles I now find myself in. And by the way, in case you didn't know, my husband is WORTH it. He takes such good care of me in so many extraordinary ways that most wives would be amazed to see in their own husbands. This is what makes the struggle so sad...I don't have a mean, obnoxious, chauvinistic, abusive husband...I have a wonderfully kind and really unique husband who is very desirous of my time with him.

Prayers needed! But so many praises as well.