Living Life Backwards

Browsing Facebook does a few things. Number one, it allows you a unique look into the lives of those you see on a daily basis as well as those you haven't seen in years.

But number two (and what turns out to be what happens more often than I'd like to admit), it naturally causes you to compare that stages of the life you are in with those you are "friends" with. And this gets me into trouble, because my life has not gone the way I "thought" it would go.


Chris and I were married young. Chris was only 20, and I had just turned 22. Yes, I'm older, and marrying a younger man was something I'd always sworn I wouldn't do. We lived in married housing at NNU for a mere $345 a month (including utilities!) for the first two years of our marriage while both of us finished up school. Towards the end of our second year of marriage, I had just started my master's program, and somehow we got the idea to buy a house. And so, we did...And it was beautiful and we loved it.
The interest rate on the house was ridiculously low (although not as the rates can be now!) and our mortgage payment likewise was low. We had Kadee Joy within the first year of being in that house. And life was good.



And then, 6 months after she was born, my dad died. He was 47. I was 25. And I knew no one else in my circle of friends who had lost a parent. I felt robbed.

9 months after the death of my dad came Andrew. And he was beautiful. And I was so sad that my dad never knew him.



4 months after Andrew was born, Chris was offered a youth pastor job in Washington. I wanted to stay at home with my two kids (that's what I was supposed to do, right?), and Chris' job would allow me to. I would also be closer to my family (minus dad of course), which I also wanted. And so we moved, and made around $50,000 in the sale of our house, and put most of it into a down payment on our new house in Washington. And it should have been beautiful.



But it didn't turn out that way. Less than a year into Washington, I was pregnant with Jeffrey, and Chris and were in what I euphemistically call "marital crisis." I was looking at being a divorced single mother of (almost) three at age 27.

But God intervened, right before Easter, and Chris found his way back to the Light and we entered into the third stage of our marriage. Everything in our married life is referred to as pre-Washington, Washington, and post-Washington.

Because of the nature of our marital crisis, we needed to move. So we moved back to Idaho, living with Chris' sister and brother-in-law. But we had to sell our house, which we did...and at a loss because we had been in it so short a time, and because the housing bubble that had earned us so much on our first house was busting during the sale of our second house. Quickly, before the bust really took effect, we bought our third house, when prices on houses were at their highest.



Chris went back to school at this time, feeling that the nature of our crisis would forever bar him from youth ministry. He got his teaching certification...and in the process we racked up an enormous amount of both credit card and student loan debt. Also, Andrew and Jeffrey were diagnosed with autism.

A few months before his certification program was over, we started Love, INC. And through Love, INC, we hacked away at all of our credit card debt. But the student loan debt was put on the back burner.




And then, in 2011, the whole story of how we got to Texas began. And it's been an amazing journey. Luke was born at the end of 2011, and he was beautiful, and he confirmed God's plan for us to move.



In January 2012 we talked with our realtor about putting our house on the market...and he told us what we already knew. Our house was worth FAR less than what we would get out of it. So we entered the short sale process, and thankfully, our house sold, at a loss to the bank of nearly $50,000. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.




Which brings me back to the beginning. We are now living in a single wide in Texas with our four kids, and if there's not a country song about that then I should write one.



We cannot buy a house...number one because we just did a short sale, but number two because our student loan debt to income ratio is waaaay too high. We have owned three houses in our 11 year marriage, but we did so at the beginning of our marriage and cannot do it now, when so many people my age are just beginning to buy their second "forever" home. I have four kids, and so many of those I know just started their families. Many of my friends are just now dealing with the health or death of a parent...or not at all...and I have been missing dad for eight long years. We're planning on moving into San Antonio (we live about 30 miles away right now) so that we can be closer to all of our schools (including mine). But of course, rentals are our only way to go...and I'm uncomfortable with it.

Chris is still trying to find his way in the working world. He's currently working ground maintenance at an upscale golf course and really likes it...but it just doesn't come close to covering our monthly expenses, even with my higher than usual teaching salary. He wants to fulfill God's calling on his life, and is waiting patiently (much more so than I) for the opportunity to do so full-time, rather than in a volunteer capacity. We'll see what the fall brings.

So as I say...I feel I'm living life backwards. I have a constant battle in my head of where I think we "should" be.

We "should" be finished paying our student loan debt...it's been ten years, and I get to see on Facebook when classmates have done it!

We "should" be in our own house. Facebook tells me we should!

We "should" be having my parents visiting us and going on wonderful vacations with them. Facebook shows me I should!

My kids "should" be winning all sorts of awards, be excelling in dance, athletics...again, Facebook tells me they should!

As a mom I "should" be staying at home with my kids and creating fantastic desserts for their birthdays, and dressing them in hipster/indie kids clothes. The pictures on Facebook show me that it's the way things are done!

I "should" be invited to my alma mater to explain to the students what being successful in my job looks like. For the record...I haven't been invited. :)

Now you might be thinking that I'm at a point of desperation and maybe you should call the authorities, whoever they might be. Or you might be thinking, "Man, she really must be embarrassed to post this stuff on a blog..."

But here's the thing...I KNOW I'm not alone in struggling with the Shoulds of life. For every perfect picture posted of a perfect life on Facebook are at least 10 people looking at it thinking the same things I am. And the truth is, life isn't always perfect, life is almost never what we think it's going to be, and...the mantra of my life...God ALWAYS has better plans for my life than I do. For example:

I can be an incredibly selfish, inward focused person. And I KNOW that I was far worse about this before my dad died, my marriage fell apart, my financial picture imploded, and my boys got diagnosed with autism. All of those things created within me an understanding of people and their weaknesses and moments of despair because of my own. Were my dad still alive, my marriage without that point of destruction, my home the picture of financial strenght, and my children all "normal," I KNOW that I would be more judgemental, self-righteous, and selfish.

I wouldn't have been able to be obedient to God calling us to Texas. Each of the experiences mentioned above share one common trait: They strengthened my knowledge of the need to trust God. I used to so easily take credit for the successes in my life. I know now how flawed that thinking was and is. Having all of the "shoulds" mentioned above would not have created happiness in me. I would always want more. And any of them could be taken away at any moment. For me, they were taken before I had a chance to take credit for them. And truth be told, our everyday needs are ALWAYS MET, and God has always been faithful in providing for them. And though I always told Chris that moving to Texas would never happen, I really do love it down here.

I wouldn't find constant reasons to trust God in His wisdom. I'd be trusting my own wisdom, and taking credit for it as well. And God is also very good at showing me what I need to work on...and it almost never has to do with the outward adornments of myself, my home, or my family.

These are all things in life that will eventually be taken care of. Because I firmly believe that,"...our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." These moments of struggle and pain simply are a reminder that life, wonderful as it can be at times, are self defined...MOMENTARY. There is a place beyond my dreams and in eternal reality where we will find our true home. Where our children's fashion will not matter because they will be draped in heavenly garb. Where illnesses, disorders, and death will be no more and my boys and I will reel in laughter with their Poppa. Where our feelings of discomfort in finding and living in our earthly homes will be forgotten in the indescribable beauty of our heavenly home.

SO...I'm praying for the ability to focus on what God is calling me to in this moment. I'm praying for the ability to praise God for what He HAS given to me. I'm praying for wisdom in knowing what steps to take next. I'm praying to be the mother and wife HE wants me to be...not what Facebook makes me think I should be. I'm praying for my husband to continue to follow where God is calling him to, and that I will trust in God's provision and not the dollar signs attached to various opportunities.

And I'm praying that I will be able to meet what God has for me with an open heart and mind, and that He will provide people to encourage me to follow HIS will, and not my own selfish desires.