Sunday, December 30, 2018

2018 Christmas/New Year's Letter




(My mom used to send out a Christmas "newsletter" detailing all of us and our list of accomplishments.  I remember one year she got back a snarky article from an anonymous source basically admonishing her for making our life out to be so great and that no one wanted to hear about it.  Not sure if that's how this will come across.  If it does, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  I'm going to write it in the old school way, although my details are probably a little more TMI than any old school letter would have allowed.)

December 30, 2018

Merry Christmas from the Tiner Family!  We hope this letter finds you well and at peace.  If you are not, don't worry, we're living it some difficult times, but luckily have a wonderful God we can always go to in order to find strength to meet those difficult times.

This year has been a doozy, to say the least.  Again.  Every year in the Tiner house seems to be a doozy.  We didn't move this year, which is great, since we moved every year from 2012-2016.  Luke didn't live in the same house for more than a year until he was five years old.  We love our house and our pool, although the plumbing is pretty awful, as is the electrical.  I often wish my dad were alive (for a lot of reasons), but the shoddy electrical would have been taken care of a long time ago if he were.  Chris just let me know that our garbage disposal went out.  But with that, I am grateful to be able to own a home, as I know many in my circle of friends and family are unable to because of the housing markets they live in, or because of the employment circumstances they find themselves in.



Mom always started with Dad, so that's where I'll start.  Chris began his fourth year pastoring at Lake Houston Church of the Nazarene in Humble/Atascocita.  He became an elder in the Church of the Nazarene this April, something of which I am so incredibly proud of, particularly as there was a time in our marriage/life when I didn't think it would be possible.  His pastoral title at church has changed a little.  He is currently the Pastor of Youth and Worship.  He also preaches a lot (for a youth/worship pastor), and I always feel blessed when he does.



If you have given up on God's ability to change someone, remember Chris.  He is a new creation, an obedient son to his Heavenly Father, and a wonderful pastor.  He has very high standards for himself, but knows Who to lean on in order to try and meet those standards.  He is an amazing father, a wonderful husband, and I feel very lucky to be married to him.  He's gone through a physical transformation as well, and has lost about 35 pounds, runs daily, and is thoroughly attractive.   :)



Kadee Joy (who really just goes by Kadee, but I'm her mom, so I'm not changing) started high school.  HIGH SCHOOL.  She started off with a bang, too, which took the form of marching band camp.  It's Texas marching band, and it is INTENSE.  She also started off by catching the eye of a super nice and goofy sophomore, and now has a boyfriend.  We're all trying to adjust.  :)  High school has been challenging, but we're grateful that we can be open and honest with her (and her with us) about those challenges.



Andrew is a 7th grader now, and loves school.  He loves his dog Carlos 1000 times more.  Any conversation will usually segue into his love for Carlos, his worries for Carlos, his plans for Carlos, etc.  He is still super compassionate, loves his family, is very obedient, hates for others to get into trouble, and spends a good part of his time drawing comic strips.  These comic strips are strewn all over the house, and he adds multiple pages to them each day.  He's getting very tall, wears the same size shoe as me, and is beginning to make plans for his future, which include a wife, eight children, and protecting Carlos from crocodiles.

Jeffrey entered middle school as a 6th grader this year (probably the shortest one at his school) and spends much of his time correcting the bad language of those around him.  He switched to Dance halfway through the first quarter and gave his first dance recital at the beginning of this month.  He has loved dance from a young age, and made us so proud as he danced WITH his peers.  He was one of two boys in the whole recital, and he could not have cared less.  He and Andrew are in the same class and are extremely happy there.



Luke is a first grader, and around November started reading EVERYTHING.  He is a very typical boy (both the good and the bad), has a lot of friends, and bosses around his brothers when at home.  This also helps them to learn how to defend themselves (thanks, Luke).  He loves video games, playing outside, playing "battles" at recess, and dreams of joining the military.  He keeps me young and ages me at the same time.



Then there's me. My last blog left off on my mental health road, which was rocky (to say the least).  I ended up undergoing 30 treatments of transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) which is a more intensive treatment of depression, and did wonders. I was able to taper down to a very small dose of both my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications.



The last day of school, I found out that the music teacher at my neighborhood school was retiring, so I applied for the job, and was thrilled to get it.  I'd never had the opportunity to teach Luke, and now I would get to, making me able to teach all of my children at some point.  I started off the school year organized and excited.

Just a week or two in, I started to have odd symptoms.  My hands were shaking all the time, I was dropping things, and I began experiencing numbness and tingling all over my body, but particularly in my extremities.  I noticed it would get worse the more I worked.   I went and saw my endocrinologist, thinking it must be thyroid related, but every level came back normal.  I'd gotten a concussion during the summer while counseling teen camp, so made an appointment with my neurologist to see if that had something to do with it.  She scheduled an MRI.  I didn't make it that far.

On September 28, I woke up completely paralyzed.  Chris had to carry me down to the van after several failed attempts on my part to walk/move.  He asked me where I wanted to go, and I said the Woodlands, since that's where my neurologist was.  After two days of blood work, tests, MRI's, CT Scans, X-Rays, a neurosurgeon came in, did a few reaction tests on me, and then let Chris and I know that he actually had answers for us.  He'd found a skull malformation called Arnold Chiari malformation, Type 1, that had caused my cerebellum to extend down into my spinal column, almost completely blocking it.  I would have to have brain surgery in the next two weeks.

The weeks leading up to brain surgery were very strange.  I couldn't walk without support, couldn't drive, couldn't work, couldn't talk well.  And all I could do was wait, while my insurance company decided whether or not to approve the surgery.  I had the surgery the week after they approved it.

Recovery from this surgery is horrific.  HORRIFIC.  The worst pain of my life.  I was in the ICU for three days, as they attempted to manage my pain, my nausea, and get me to the point where I could walk independently.  Once I was able to do that I went to a regular hospital room, where I continued to try and heal enough to get to go home.  I went home the fourth day from surgery.  Chris was with me the first two nights, and my twin sister (who'd graciously flown down from Canada to help) stayed with me the third night.  They had to endure my anti-nausea temperature regimen of keeping the room at a balmy 60 degrees.

The next three weeks were still awful.  Not pain-wise, but nausea-wise.  I've experienced a few times where eating is a problem (morning sickness for four children), but this was really, really bad.  My mom had switched with my sister, and was constantly trying to get me to eat/drink anything.  I don't know what I would have done without my husband, sister, mom, and family (including church and school families).  It was a rough, rough, road.





And then I turned a corner.  I know that I had countless people praying for me throughout.  Thank you.  Once I turned that corner, I lost a myriad of symptoms I'd been having for years.  I became myself.  Depression, suicidal ideation----totally gone.  It also restarted my pain/sleep tolerance so that I could mentally work through getting things done without giving up because of lack of sleep or too much pain.  I still have work to do in that area, so you can pray for me on that.  Brain fog is gone, and my memory is better.  At least, it's better now.  Unfortunately, I have lost many, many memories, especially from the last few years.  They're just gone.  Here's to making new ones to replace them.

I went back to work, and with the help of my team, school, husband, and students, put on my first program for new school and it was great.  As soon as school ended, my body crashed.  I think my recovery is still continuing, although it's hard to admit it sometimes. Plus I miss my extended family.  The holidays are still very hard.  I was grateful to be with my little family, and we did have a wonderful day together.  We did a Secret Santa exchange for the first time, which helped the kids harness the idea that many it is much better to give than to receive.





So here we are, at the end of 2018.  I am grateful for where we are, glad to be through what we've been through, and hopeful that, regardless of what comes our way in 2019, we will be able to meet it with the same encouragement, peace, strength, and wisdom that only comes from the One who has been with us all the way.

"The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you.
May his countenance be upon you and give you peace."

-Numbers 6:24-26

Love,

Chris, Stephanie, Kadee Joy, Andrew, Jeffrey, Luke, and Carlos Correa (the dog) Tiner




Wednesday, June 6, 2018

To Hell and Back

Shortly after my last blog post, I went through hell.  The PA that had been increasing my doses of medication to addict levels.  How do I know they were addict levels? You'll see in a bit.

Shortly after my last blog post, she dropped me as a patient without telling me.  I kept trying to call her because I would run out of my medication early, and she would call in the refill. Except this time she wouldn't because apparently she'd gotten into some trouble for calling in refills without actually seeing me since it was a controlled substance.  And she was writing 15 day prescriptions, not 30, but scheduling me for 30 day appointments.

So she wouldn't answer my calls.  I could hear her in the background telling the office staff not to let me talk to her because "It would take ten minutes to talk to her." And so I started cutting my pills in half until my last scheduled appointment.  And then, I finally ran out.  At that point, I went into full on withdrawals symptoms.  I had been on 6mg of Lorazapem, 225 of Effexor, and had nothing.  So my body rebelled.  It was horrible.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I was in hell.

In desperation, I got a hold of the office and they said I could see the primary psychiatrist.  I scheduled an appointment for the next day.

And then the ice storm hit Houston.  And everything, including my doctor's office, was shut down.  Again, I panicked, and was desperate.  Luckily, I was able to set up on online, Skype-like appointment with him.

We talked for over 45 minutes. That's when he told me that if I stayed at the level of medication I was currently being prescribed, the pharmacy would flag me as an addict and no longer give me medication.  He also told me that the two medications I was on were not meant to be given together...that the anti-anxiety medication would actually counteract the anti-depressant and cause me to become more suicidal.  So he wrote up a new anti-anxiety medication prescription and put in my regular anti-depressant.  Only problem was that my pharmacy was closed because of the ice storm.  Luckily, Walmart was open nearby, and they filled my prescription.

My body was filled with relief as soon as I was put on the correct drug combination.  I could tell immediately that it was the right combination.

The battle I had to face next was tapering down off of the addict levels I was on, particularly for my anti-anxiety medication.  It has been a slow, and difficult process, but I'm now down to 1 mg per day.

In the midst of tapering down, and seeing improvements daily, I received news that had been previously thought impossible:  my insurance would cover a treatment for depression known as TMS, transcranial magnetic stimulation.  So every week day for six weeks, I went in and had the treatments done.  When I went in, I took a depression evaluation to determine just how depressed I was.  The most severely depressed score a 26.  I scored a 21.

Halfway through my treatments, I scored a 1.

These last six months have not been without difficulties.  As anyone who has had to taper off an addictive medication will tell you, it is difficult.  My personality had changed significantly.  My dose was so high at the beginning that I was overly social, overly talkative, very loud, very high energy...which sounds great and was great, but was not me.  Chris would often have to pull me aside and let me know that I was being a bit...much...which of course I didn't take kindly too because  I felt like "Well, at least I'm not suicidal!  Let me be me!"....even though I wasn't really me.

In case you're curious, I sought out a possible medical malpractice suit.  Every lawyer said the same thing: "If you'd actually killed yourself, we could take on your case.  But you didn't, so we can't".  Consider the message that sends.  I also reported the PA to the Texas State medical board.  She told them I had never mentioned suicidal ideation (a lie...she asked if I'd thought about hospitalization after I mentioned my attempts), and that she had gone over the side effects of the medications together (another lie). 

As I've tapered off, I've gotten back to my "normal" self. I still have days where I'm more irritable, where I tear up easily, but they're at least reasons I'm feeling that way.  The cloud of hopelessness and despair has left.  I'm still a little fragile, but am no longer having panic or anxiety attacks, no longer feel a burden to my family, and feel that I do have a purpose in life and that God continues to walk alongside me.  I am actually interested in life.  Interested in people.  Able to attend my kids school functions.  Able to be present.  I still need alone time to recoup after school, but am not doing so in darkness and hopelessness.

I am grateful that He carried me when I needed Him to, and that I had a supportive family, a wonderful husband, loving children, a counselor that was able to meet me at my moments of need, and an encouraging and accommodating school family that allowed to me to receive the treatments that I needed.

Mental health issues are every bit as serious as physical health issues.  Please take them seriously.  Please do not belittle or try to talk someone out of their mental health issues, including yourself.  Seek help.  And if you don't know where to find help, contact me.  I've been there.  I know what it's like.  It's real.  It's horrible.  And it only grows stronger in isolation and darkness.

I finished school yesterday, and am looking forward to a lot of time with my family, and lot of strong Texas sunshine and pool time, church activities, and rest.  Thank you for your continued prayers. And don't be afraid to tell someone if you're experiencing feelings of hopelessness, a lack of interest in life, a feeling a of being a burden to your family, a feeling of not being good enough.  It is your brain deceiving you, and you need help for it, just as you would if you had diabetes or cancer.  You cannot think  your way out of it, pray your way out of it...And I realize as a pastor's wife that seems harsh, but it's true.  I would never tell a cancer patient not to seek treatment and just to find a hobby to try and get over their cancer, or to just pray away their cancer.  It works the same way with mental illness.

May we break the stigma and shine a light on the seriousness of mental illness and know how to help those battling it, including ourselves.


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