Shortly after my last blog post, she dropped me as a patient without telling me. I kept trying to call her because I would run out of my medication early, and she would call in the refill. Except this time she wouldn't because apparently she'd gotten into some trouble for calling in refills without actually seeing me since it was a controlled substance. And she was writing 15 day prescriptions, not 30, but scheduling me for 30 day appointments.
So she wouldn't answer my calls. I could hear her in the background telling the office staff not to let me talk to her because "It would take ten minutes to talk to her." And so I started cutting my pills in half until my last scheduled appointment. And then, I finally ran out. At that point, I went into full on withdrawals symptoms. I had been on 6mg of Lorazapem, 225 of Effexor, and had nothing. So my body rebelled. It was horrible. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was in hell.
In desperation, I got a hold of the office and they said I could see the primary psychiatrist. I scheduled an appointment for the next day.
And then the ice storm hit Houston. And everything, including my doctor's office, was shut down. Again, I panicked, and was desperate. Luckily, I was able to set up on online, Skype-like appointment with him.
We talked for over 45 minutes. That's when he told me that if I stayed at the level of medication I was currently being prescribed, the pharmacy would flag me as an addict and no longer give me medication. He also told me that the two medications I was on were not meant to be given together...that the anti-anxiety medication would actually counteract the anti-depressant and cause me to become more suicidal. So he wrote up a new anti-anxiety medication prescription and put in my regular anti-depressant. Only problem was that my pharmacy was closed because of the ice storm. Luckily, Walmart was open nearby, and they filled my prescription.
My body was filled with relief as soon as I was put on the correct drug combination. I could tell immediately that it was the right combination.
The battle I had to face next was tapering down off of the addict levels I was on, particularly for my anti-anxiety medication. It has been a slow, and difficult process, but I'm now down to 1 mg per day.
In the midst of tapering down, and seeing improvements daily, I received news that had been previously thought impossible: my insurance would cover a treatment for depression known as TMS, transcranial magnetic stimulation. So every week day for six weeks, I went in and had the treatments done. When I went in, I took a depression evaluation to determine just how depressed I was. The most severely depressed score a 26. I scored a 21.
Halfway through my treatments, I scored a 1.
These last six months have not been without difficulties. As anyone who has had to taper off an addictive medication will tell you, it is difficult. My personality had changed significantly. My dose was so high at the beginning that I was overly social, overly talkative, very loud, very high energy...which sounds great and was great, but was not me. Chris would often have to pull me aside and let me know that I was being a bit...much...which of course I didn't take kindly too because I felt like "Well, at least I'm not suicidal! Let me be me!"....even though I wasn't really me.
In case you're curious, I sought out a possible medical malpractice suit. Every lawyer said the same thing: "If you'd actually killed yourself, we could take on your case. But you didn't, so we can't". Consider the message that sends. I also reported the PA to the Texas State medical board. She told them I had never mentioned suicidal ideation (a lie...she asked if I'd thought about hospitalization after I mentioned my attempts), and that she had gone over the side effects of the medications together (another lie).
As I've tapered off, I've gotten back to my "normal" self. I still have days where I'm more irritable, where I tear up easily, but they're at least reasons I'm feeling that way. The cloud of hopelessness and despair has left. I'm still a little fragile, but am no longer having panic or anxiety attacks, no longer feel a burden to my family, and feel that I do have a purpose in life and that God continues to walk alongside me. I am actually interested in life. Interested in people. Able to attend my kids school functions. Able to be present. I still need alone time to recoup after school, but am not doing so in darkness and hopelessness.
I am grateful that He carried me when I needed Him to, and that I had a supportive family, a wonderful husband, loving children, a counselor that was able to meet me at my moments of need, and an encouraging and accommodating school family that allowed to me to receive the treatments that I needed.
Mental health issues are every bit as serious as physical health issues. Please take them seriously. Please do not belittle or try to talk someone out of their mental health issues, including yourself. Seek help. And if you don't know where to find help, contact me. I've been there. I know what it's like. It's real. It's horrible. And it only grows stronger in isolation and darkness.
I finished school yesterday, and am looking forward to a lot of time with my family, and lot of strong Texas sunshine and pool time, church activities, and rest. Thank you for your continued prayers. And don't be afraid to tell someone if you're experiencing feelings of hopelessness, a lack of interest in life, a feeling a of being a burden to your family, a feeling of not being good enough. It is your brain deceiving you, and you need help for it, just as you would if you had diabetes or cancer. You cannot think your way out of it, pray your way out of it...And I realize as a pastor's wife that seems harsh, but it's true. I would never tell a cancer patient not to seek treatment and just to find a hobby to try and get over their cancer, or to just pray away their cancer. It works the same way with mental illness.
May we break the stigma and shine a light on the seriousness of mental illness and know how to help those battling it, including ourselves.
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