Who Am I?

Having brain surgery to correct a problem you didn't know you had for 39 years brings several things:

1) It brings relief.  There's an answer for the wide range of issues I've had for decades.  And many of them have resolved as a result of the surgery.  I am very, very grateful to Memorial Hermann, the Woodlands, and to my neurosurgeon Dr. Herrera, who refused to give up on me.  I felt that most people in my life simply thought I was crazy.  In fact, I know some of them did.  That led to the next feeling...

2) It brings pain.  Not just the pain of the recovery, but the pain of wishing the problem had been found years ago when there were so many MRI's, CT scans, X-Rays that would have shown this, had doctors looked closer.  I don't blame the doctors who missed this.  But I do wish they had found it all the same.  And I wish people close had believed me when I tried to explain what I was experiencing for years.  It hurts that they didn't.

3) It brings confusion.  I have lost memories.  Many memories.  I still have a difficult time remembering things.  This appears to be one of the things I will not be getting back.  It's probably a mixture of the scarring my brain being in the wrong spot for so long, but also just my natural aging.

I'm also confused about who I am.  I have been sick, mentally and physically for so long.  My family became my caretakers, including my children.  Now that I'm "back", neither they or I know exactly who I am.  Who am I as a parent?  Who am I as a wife?  Who am I as a pastor's wife?  Who am I as a teacher?  Who am I?

I try to be open and honest.  I've started psychotherapy.  Turns out I've had quite a lot of trauma in my life, brain surgery being the last one.  This, put with my Chiari malformation that was unrecognized for so long, has created some anxiety that I can't quite put my finger on.

My moves as a child were traumatic.  Losing both my grandfather and father at early ages were traumatic.  I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with an extremely narcissistic man for almost two years (sorry to those of you who knew him and knew me during that time...but it's true).  Chris and I went through an extreme marital crisis shortly after my father's death that tore my world apart.  I had three children in three years, which left my body and mental state in a very fragile state shortly after that marital crisis.  Two of my children have autism, which I have grown to appreciate, but which was very difficult to come to terms with during those first years after diagnosis.  My pregnancy with Luke was filled with medical issues, all the way through to his delivery where both he and I could have died due to a placental abruption during delivery.

We moved to Texas, which was wonderful, but difficult, and have moved multiple times in Texas while being here.  Being married to a pastor, I never know how long I will be somewhere, and as a person who swore as an emotional 12 year old that I would NEVER make my children move, it's tough.  I so badly want to put down roots, but just can't.  Friend making, which has always been difficult for me, is made more difficult knowing that I may have to say goodbye to them if we are called elsewhere.  I don't like change.

I've been in educational situations that were extremely difficult, and in some cases traumatic.  And I just had an incredibly traumatic surgery that left in me in a great deal of pain for weeks.  I still panic when certain symptoms show back up suddenly and worry that I will have to redo the surgery.

I say this, knowing that there are many (including many of my students) who have suffered more than I.  But pain and trauma are different for each person, and just as important.

So I'm confused.  All this stuff is being brought up as I try to find my new place in the little world I live in in my home, my church, my school, and within my own, newly remodeled brain.

Who the heck am I?  What characteristics will stay, and what will go?  What does my poor family do as they try to navigate the "new" me?  How do I respond to them?  How do I communicate to my kids that sick mommy is gone and healthy mommy is back, and that they need to respond to me and my attempts to raise them the same as they respond to healthy, steadfast daddy?

The only thing that keeps me grounded is my faith.  I KNOW that I am a child of God.  I KNOW that I am not perfect, but that He is.  I KNOW that His plans for me are always better than those I come up with myself.

So while I am confused, anxious, forgetful, a pain, I am still HIS.  I may spend the rest of my life trying to figure out what portions of my personality are really mine, or are simply a response to the circumstances in my life. And I'm willing and doing the work to sort through my traumas, my quirks, my changes, and my anxiety.

But I need prayer.  Lots of it.  I need help.  Lots of it.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings.  And thank you for your support, prayers, and love.