Quarantine and Breaking Free

On March 7, 2020, Quarantine began for our family.  I had a fever.  I had just returned a week and a half before from a visit to Oregon from my paternal grandmother's funeral.  I just didn't feel good. Coronavirus was just starting to be in the news because of outbreaks in Washington State.  I decided, out of an abundance of caution, to stay in my room.  I stayed home from church the next day as well.

March 7, the fever was accompanied by shortness of breath and a dry cough.  I became more concerned.  Chris was out of state for a work related event, and it was Spring Break.  Kadee Joy stayed at home while I went to my doctor's office.  I saw the first signs in the doctor's office that noted if you had certain symptoms and had recently traveled (all of which I had) to let the front desk know.  I did, and the lady next to me freaked out.  I was handed a mask, and sat by myself while freak out lady went on and on about how she couldn't get sick.

Wearing a mask while having shortness of breath was a new experience.  As a matter of fact, I'd never worn a medical mask.  I became unable to breathe.  I called out for help.  I was taken back to a room and administered oxygen for the next hour and a half while the doctor's office called around to various county and state agencies, trying to figure out what to do with me.  They could get no answers.

I was finally sent to the nearest ER, where I stayed with the general population, still unable to breathe, and was met by the reality that these nurses were unmasked, and didn't have enough masks to give me, as though realized I definitely had bronchitis, but didn't have the ability to test me for coronavirus.  No one did, yet.  But no one would tell me that day..or the next...or the next.  Finally, that Friday, I was able to get tested.  It came back negative, after I'd been quarantined in my room for 12 days.

Whatever virus I had ended up lasting for 40 days.  I ended up needing hourly nebulizer treatments, inhalers, two more hospital visits, two courses of steroids, another test, and a visit to the pulmonologist.  The fever lasted the entire time.  Finally, after the last course of steroids, the virus went away, leaving me very weak, but finally able to take a deep breath.  I was finally able to sing for my students, who I'd been giving online activities to and joining in online classes as much as I was allowed to.

Right around the time my own quarantine was ending, the cases in Texas started really rising, especially in our county.  At the end of April, our County Judge mandated masking to try and stop the spread.  It was struck down by our governor.  Any hope I'd had of being able to be out more in the general public went away.  Along with striking down the mask mandate, the governor started opening up the state, stating that he would reverse it if cases started going up too much.  The cases continued to rise, and in an opposite move, he continued to open the state more.  So naturally, our family had to become even more isolated.

It was around this point that our church had to make the decision to eliminate Chris's position due to COVID related financial deficits.  His last Sunday is nine days away.  We don't have a "what's next" for him.  God has yet to reveal that.

Schools in Texas are being told to re-open in person or risk losing funding.  There has been a lot of back and forth on what that means and whether or not it's a good idea.  There is still a basic debate amongst many in my community as to whether or not masking or social distancing is even necessary or helpful, or if COVID-19 is even real or a threat.  We've had friends suffering from it.  We know it's real.  And we're choosing to trust the medical community at large when they say that social distancing, hand washing, and masking when in public is the way to combat this virus.

I've been told that as the only music teacher in my school (the school I love, that has helped me through two floods, brain surgery, stroke-like migraines), I must teach in person (every music teacher in the district must). Knowing I have medical issues, I was told to talk with my doctor to get accommodations to give to Human Resources to try and make it safer.  I felt hopeless at first because Texas (on the day I was told) had just hit 10,000 cases per day.  Teaching music (which includes singing) to 20-24 unmasked kids in a 20x25 classroom for 50-55 minutes per class, six classes per day seemed the opposite of safe, and I didn't see how it would work.  But I had the pressure of knowing I would be the only breadwinner at that point, so I said I would do it.

I brainstormed with my school nurse to try and figure out if we could make the situation work.  We came up with all sorts of things like me having a face shield and a mask, having the kids masked, trying to utilize a bigger room like the cafeteria, disinfecting all the instruments and equipment in between classes, etc.  And I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss the situation.

My doctor did not listen to my list of ideas for long.  "No.  I just finished treating you for an extended respiratory virus. I'm not going to risk you finding out if you're going to be an asymptomatic COVID patient or and ICU COVID patient.  Your accommodations are you can go back if there are under 15 kids and they are spaced 12 feet apart at all times (singing expels the air twice as far as talking) or you teach online."  And that was it.  He faxed those accommodations in to Human Resources.  I got word that they received them and that they would let me know what the next steps were.  And that's it.  I let my administrators know about the accommodations as well.  Now we wait.

Quarantine, as you all know, is very hard.  It's hard mentally.  I've been in mental crisis multiple times through this.  The worst time came when I kept hearing fellow Texans discussing "herd immunity" and that we just needed to let this virus "thin the herd."  As an immunocompromised person, I felt like they were talking about me.  Let the weak, the old, the sick get this thing, and let the rest of us live however we want.  And that's kind of how it's been.  Our numbers continue to go up, and people continue to complain about masking.  They continue to refuse to social distance.  They continue to fight doing all the things other countries have done to actually flatten the curve...and they tell me not to "live in fear." I won't tell you how dark things got, but it got about as dark as it can get.

Teachers are telling me the same thing.  Stop complaining about having to go back in person!  As if the rest of the world is not looking at us in horror as we have grown used to the shocking numbers of positive cases.  Many countries are still not opening up their schools whose cases are in the single or double digits.  And we're in the thousands...tens of thousands...running out of beds in the ICU and in hospitals (and I know people will fight me on these facts).  We're talking about opening up hundreds of buildings with thousands of kids and adults with or without masks and certainly without social distancing for hours at a time.  Even the school boards making these decisions aren't willing to meet in a room together for the two hours the meeting last.

I know the science behind the importance of education.  It's why I'm a teacher.  I also know the science of why music education is important.  It's why I became a music educator.  Music education just happens to be one of the riskiest scenarios for spreading this virus if done in person.  How are we talking about this happening in person in the county, at this time, with these numbers?  All of our efforts should be put into getting this virus under control.  Then we can talk about how and when to educate.  Studies have shown it wouldn't take that long in the grand scheme of things, but it would take EVERYONE doing what has been shown to work.

"Don't live in fear."  I think perhaps the people saying this are mixing up fear with love.  I choose to mask and not attend church in person because I don't want to infect my 83 year old best friend.  Is that living in fear?  I don't want to attend her funeral knowing that my desire for "freedom" caused an early death for her.

I know and love the families in my neighborhood.  Many of them are choosing to social distance still.  And many of them are not.  Some of them have COVID and know it.  And some of those families still have family members not social distancing.  There are zero measures being taken by the school to check to see if students are staff are COVID free before starting us all together.  And yet athletes in the bubble in Orlando are being tested constantly.  How much more important are the lives of our children and the teachers who love them?

I've lived the last 19 years of teaching knowing that I might have to take a bullet for my kids if a crazed shooter enters the building.  And I've taught, willing to do it, knowing that I cannot control the whim of a madman (or woman), but that I love my kids enough to protect them.  And that's where I coming from with this.  I love them enough to want to protect them from this horrific virus.  If you're still viewing it as a flu or cold, look it up.  You can't get nebulizers in many places anymore because they're running out.  You don't want your child to get this, and neither do I.  And I don't want you to get this.

My son Jeffrey asks almost every day when he will "get to break free." At first I told him it was when we got a vaccine for this thing.  Now I tell him it's when everyone decides to follow the rules.  And I don't know what it will take for someone who has the authority to first of all make the rules that will save lives, and then for everyone to get that the rules are in place, not to keep them from freedom, but to bring about real, true normalcy for ALL of us sooner rather than later.

Our family lives in a house that has flooded twice (and will flood again with a big enough storm), my husband has lost his job, my job is on the line, and we're quarantined to our house. We're on the brink of losing all earthly possessions, and have lost faith in almost every institution.  But we have not lost faith in the One who taught us how to love and live.  I know some of you will take this as an attack on you...please know that it's more of a plea, a cry, me begging for help.  And not just for me and my family, but for all of those who find their world closing in on them as they find themselves surrounded by indifference and a religion of self versus the greater good.

"Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

-Matthew 25:40