My battle with depression

I'm not a drug person. Never have been. Illegal, legal, never really took them. At least, that was until a year and a half ago.

Since then I have been on two different anti-depressants, one of which sent me off my rocker, the other of which I am still on. I understand the stigma attached to anti-depressants...sort of. But let me just say that my feelings are that a person who is truly depressed needs an anti-depressant in the same way that a diabetic needs insulin. Not all diabetics have to have insulin...diet and exercise can control it. Not all those with depression need an anti-depressant...oftentimes change in diet, excercise and counseling do the trick. But when things still aren't working like they should, insulin for a diabetic and an anti-depressant for a person with depression are each equally necessary.

I cannot begin to tell you how much of a difference my overall outlook and ability to cope with life has changed since I went on an anti-depressant. I think when people think of me, they generally think of a fairly responsible, put together, intelligent person. My inner battles are usually well hidden, but as my depression began to take a strong hold two years ago, my outer shield began to get crushed from the inside. I became increasingly helpless, overwhelmed, and physically deteriorated. And I was pregnant. And a pregnant woman who is physically unable to sleep, eat, or speak without tears is in very serious trouble.

Now don't get me wrong. There were outside factors that of course were playing into my depression. My marriage was falling apart, I felt the complexity of my role as a youth pastor's wife in a new church struggling to know who I was able to share troubles my with, and I was once again pregnant for the third time in three years while trying to take care of an extremely active 2 year old and a developmentally delayed 1 year old...and was home alone. A lot...a whole lot. And being at home with your kids seems to work well for some women. I found it to be excruciatingly painful from both an emotional and intellectual standpoint.

However, once I got on the anti-depressant I am still on, I was able to actually face the crumbling world I found myself in. My situation did not change for the better immediately. In fact, it got much, much worse before it got even remotely better. But I found that my anti-depressant helped to come out of the very sad, self-absorbed world that depression creates, and helped my to deal with my faith, pregnancy, and marriage in a much more healthy way that didn't depend completely upon my circumstances.

And now my situation has completely changed. My husband and I are in a strong, grounded place in our marriage, much more so than we have ever been. My children have once again become a joy, and God very graciously protected the tiny child in my womb and brought him into this world on my birthday last year.

But my battle with depression continues. Even when the circumstances had gotten to their polar opposite of where they were months before, I was constantly troubled by dark thoughts. I would relive the past time and time again. Only in January did they begin to leave me. And then last night they returned, as has my lack of eating and sleeping.

So where does this leave me? With the realization that depression is not necessarily a one-time battle with me. It can be constant for a while, and then give months or even years of relief. I say this not to discourage myself....I hope to encourage others in knowing that depression is something to be taken seriously, affects all kinds of people, even those who seem to have it all together.

So I will continue to pray, continue to look for ways to fight the cloud that sometimes comes without warning. I will continue to be open about it, continue to seek help for it, and continue to take the medication that allows me to do all of those things. Please pray for me in my battle, and praise God with me in the triumphs he has brought.