"So runs my dream..."

First off, I need to say that I had another fantastic week of school...until the last few hours. But other than those few hours (which are usually crazy before three day weekends anyway), it was a great week of work.

I'm not sure why, but this week I have been hit with a heavy number of dreams about my dad. Dad passed away three and a half years ago after a ridiculously short, painful battle with a cancer that managed to invade his entire body in a matter of a few short weeks.

Right after he died, my dreams were filled with horrific pictures of his deathbed. In my dreams, I would not see the dad of my youth, but rather I would see my dad at his death. The man I said goodbye to on February 15th, 2005 was only a shadow of the once strength filled man I had grown up with. His face was drawn, his nose was pinched, his skin was yellow from his defeated liver, and he was painfully thin with the exception of his heavily bloated stomach. He had difficulty focusing on what we were saying to him because he was in such incredible pain.

My dreams this week have been different. They have been a roller-coaster of repressed emotions. In one of my dreams, dad walked into our old house, in his work clothes, and I was overwhelmed with joy as I determined he was still alive. I have visited my old house in my dreams many times this week. And in all of these dreams, dad is there, alive and healthy.

And then, what feels like one minute before I wake up, I get a flash of many pictures. Dad is sick again, I see him on his deathbed, and then I see his gravestone. I wake up wracked with grief, and once more relive the painful reality that Dad is not here.

In some ways, though, I think these dreams have been helpful to me. I've been reading a new series (new to me, anyway) that has for some reason turned my focus to the age and life steps that I am approaching. I have, at times, started to ponder my age, my role as a mother of three, even being married...not really regret, but more just realize that I am not getting any younger, any prettier, or ever going to experience the passions of youth like I did in my teens and early twenties. I started to, for the first time in my life, wish to be able to experience the pleasures and freedoms of my youth...first love, a clean slate, freedom of time and plans without being forced to consider others. I wished to be young again, and started to experience real heartache as I realized that so much of what the world holds dear is experienced at an age that I have already passed.

If this is beginning to sound selfish, don't worry...I myself know that it is, and have lived out the reality of those dangerous thoughts enough to know that they have to be repelled.

And so, in a strange way my dreams of dad have been helpful. Had my dad decided to forego the point in his life that I am at, I would not have had the wonderful years I did with him. He sacrificed so much to have such a good relationship with his children and wife, but his sacrifice proved to be so fruitful in what it produced in us. He kept his focus on what God had called him to be, and proved his faithfulness to the end.

It is with this that I find a renewed sense of peace in the place where I am at. I am so blessed to be a wife, a mother, and have been reminded of the amazing parts of life that these roles have brought me. I am LOVED. And it is not a love based on ever-changing emotions and passions, or on fanciful dreams...it is a love that has been refined by many fires, and with a God at the center of it who has so much more good planned for me than I could ever have imagined. I refuse to sacrifice the well-being of my children and husband for the sake of pursuing an idea of worldly happiness that will never last. Lord, help me to remain focused on the plan that YOU have for my life, and forgive me for those times that I try to fill my soul and mind with yearnings for the things in this world that has so deceived so many men and women in my stage of life.

My job

So let me just say that I love my job.

I mean it. I LOVE my job. And I have to say that I enjoy it more every year I do it.

This is my 6th year as an elementary music teacher. I see around seven classes (one of each grade level, including 2 kindergarten) every day for 45 minutes (25 for each kinder), and get paid to teach them to sing, dance, play instruments, and play games. Each year, I grow to love my students more, and enjoy the challenges that each class and student brings.

Now don't get me wrong. There are those days when I really wish that certain classes would just forget to come, or that certain kids would just be absent :)....but overall, I really, really enjoy my days. Have the same exact group of 25 kids every day would freak me out...I get to rotate them out every 45 minutes, and love it.

I'm the one that all the kids know. If a kid in the bus line is having a hard time, they know me and I know them, and I LOVE that. I'm the one that all the kids hug, especially the little ones, but even the older ones the longer I stay at one school. And I LOVE that.

The one part of my job that I despise the most usually has the best overall results...PROGRAMS. I hate setting up for them, sending out the letters, trying to get the kids to memorize speaking parts and songs. But with only one exception, I have never come away wishing I'd never done it. It means the world to those kids to be able to show their parents what they can do, and vice versa.

For the most part, my class is one that kids look forward to, which makes motivation pretty easy. Discipline also becomes easier each year as the kids know me well, and know that the expectations stay the same.

Today I had my extended resource kids. One was a new gal who is severely autistic. She came and sat in my lap and let me comfort her....and she SMILED, a rare event from what the aides who were with her said. I got to crawl on the ground with these kids, fly around like eagles, and slither like snakes. These kids, for whom most of school is borderline torture, can smile and have fun in my classroom without worrying about matching up. Two days ago I worried about not ever being able to have the new gal in my class. And she smiled. Praise the Lord, she smiled.

I had one of my fifth grade classes yesterday that has been divided into the four houses of Hogwarts. I got to award points to houses that did well in my class. I LOVE that.

Public school provides its' own challenges, but I am so grateful to be here. There is an abundance of children searching for someone in their lives to love them. And I get to do it on a daily basis.

Thank you, Lord, for putting me a place of such joy. May your presence bring a light to these children who so many times are living in such a dark world.

Because I like them

A. Attached or single? Married for seven years
B. Best friend? My dear husband and my twin sissy.
C. Cake or pie? Oh, pie please.
D. Day of choice? An uneventful one.
E. Essential items? Bible, Starbucks, my anti-depressant. :)
F. Favorite color(s)? Green.
G. Gummy bears or worms? bears
H. Hometown? Tillamook
I. Favorite indulgence? Grande iced Black and White Mocha, no whip, extra ice
J. January or July? July
K. Kids? Three beautiful kids. Kadee Joy, Andrew, and Jeffy
L. Life isn’t complete without? Jesus.
M Marriage date? August 11
N. Number of brothers or sisters? 1 little brother, 1 twin sister
O. Oranges or apples? Um...apples, with caramel
P. Phobias? escalators
Q. Quotes? See my facebook page
R. Reasons to smile? My husband, my kids, my family, my Jesus, Starbucks.
S. Season of choice? I generally like it warm, but I like just when it's changing from one season to the other. Fall and Spring are great for a while. Summer is probably the best, though.
T. Tag 5 people: You got me.
U. Unknown fact about me: I got left at a McDonald's by my parents when I was 8 years old.
V. Vacation of choice? One that is fully paid for.
W. Worst habit? Hunting for split ends, worrying
X. Xray or ultrasound? For fun, or what?
Y. Your favorite food? Sonic Cheeseburger, Cracker Barrel, Mom's Roast and Potato
Z. Zodiac sign? Leo the lion

Funny

Turning four years old, Kadee Joy is now old enough to be in a booster seat as opposed to a regular carseat. We thought this would be easier. Apparently we were wrong.

It has been a battle over the last few weeks trying to motivate her to learn how to buckle a normal seatbelt. She could do the five-point carseat without breaking a sweat. The whole putting one large size buckle together is too much for her.

So this morning, trying to get her to realize that she could indeed do it if she tried, we told her many things that were wonderful about herself to get her confidence up. We told her she was such a brave girl who would try anything and that she could try this...we told her she was a smart girl and that she could figure this out. So as the namesake of a true feminist, she retorted through many tears:

"I'm not brave! I'm not smart! I'm just pretty!"