What We've Got

For the first time in a long time, we have a child with a bad case of normal.

Tomorrow, Luke will turn two. The is D-day for us, the day I've been dreading since our ultrasound told us we were having a boy. That same day, an article was published with new stats on autism...and the scariest stat was the one that confirmed that a child with two siblings who had autism (particularly those who were boys) had a 1 in 3 chance of developing autism.

But Luke doesn't have it. He points. He talks. He plays with toys appropriately. He interacts normally with other children. He names people easily. He eats food normally. He sleeps normally. He throws tantrums...normally.

I remember when people would tell me, "Well, what is normal, really? There's no such thing as NORMAL." I know you're trying to be PC, but believe me, no parent of a special needs child would deny that there is, vaguely of course, "normal." The gut feeling that they get when they see their "quirky" child do (or not do) things that seemingly all the other children the same age as their child are not (or are) doing tells them so and only gets more extreme as the gap does as well.

And Luke is, for all intents and purposes, NORMAL. He loves trucks and cars. He loves wrestling (which is particularly upsetting to Jeffrey). He loves creating chaos (as opposed to finding even peaceful settings chaotic and worth avoiding). He accepts snuggling, but does not seek it out constantly. He already can follow verbal directions better than Jeffrey.

He WANTS to be independent. Andrew and Jeffrey would probably still be totally okay with me dressing them everyday, and there are some days when I still have to. Luke gets mad when I try to and grabs the clothes away from me so that he can do it.

Luke calls me Mommy. And has for a long time.

This is what I prayed for. This is what I wanted. This is what I cried for when I held my newborn Luke in my arms. I remember covering Luke with my tears as I whispered my dreams of him becoming a doctor so that he could help his brothers. And even if he doesn't do so, the difference of me knowing at his two year old birthday that he COULD is so very different than either of his brother's two year old birthdays.

Kadee Joy is doing great, Chris is doing well at his job, I feel like I'm doing well at my job, Luke is right where he should be...but Jeffrey is falling apart at school and Andrew's school is having a monumental battle with our insurance company that is threatening Andrew even being able to attend. Both of our vehicles went out of commission at the same time resulting in us having to buy a van with financing, instead of just paying cash (first time doing that), we have some big illnesses in our extended family...

In other words...life is life. God has granted us a lot...some things that are easy, and some things that are very, very hard. The ironic thing is that the things that I probably would have thought to be the most difficult from an objective stand point have been the most wonderful and beautifully growing part of my walk...and those things that I thought I KNEW I wanted have turned out to be the areas I need the most help in.

Speaking of which...I think I mentioned Luke turns two tomorrow.

God be with us. :)

Transitions

It seems like using the word "transitions" to describe life during the last few months is ironic considering that we moved to a completely different region of the country the summer before. But, as most people over the age of 22 know, stability in life is more the exception than the rule. And while change is still hard for me, it, as with most things, becomes less distressing as the number of changes increase, and increase with unforeseen blessings beside them.

Shortly after my last blog, we moved into the actual city limits of San Antonio. It has benefitted us for a lot of reasons, but the reason we did it was because God told us to. Again. We'd been told to move to San Antonio in the first place, but had tried New Braunfels for a variety of reasons. It turned out that as far as the reason we'd been called down here (the school for our boys), San Antonio was definitely where we needed to be.

So in June, once our lease was up on our manufactured home, we moved into San Antonio. We also changed churches (a hard change, but one we knew we needed to make), and began getting settled into another new home. It's been a good change. Andrew was able to go to school throughout the summer, since we were now close enough that the drive was doable each day. And since school has started, our morning routine has been much less hectic with no hour long commute to wrestle with. We also are back in a house, which we are able to appreciate so much more after a year in our single wide.

In July we started attending San Antonio First Church of the Nazarene. We're already on the worship team, I have a great Sunday School class, and Chris is doing Junior High Youth group on Sunday afternoons. The fantastic children's ministry realized how hard it was for our boys (especially Andrew) to go from Sunday School, to the music portion of the service with us, and then back to Children's Church, so they just keep them from when we're at worship team practice before church to the end of the worship service. Kadee Joy made friends quickly, and Lukie seems to really enjoy his little class.

All of my family was able to visit at some point during the summer, and I cannot begin to tell you life-giving each of those visits were. I cannot always see how all of us being so spread out works within God's plan, but I know it IS in His plan, and I'm find myself appreciating the times we are together so much more than I might otherwise.

Right after my last blog, Chris injured his back pretty severely at work. So severely, in fact, that he was unable to work during the entire course of the summer. God provided for our needs, as he always does, and towards the end of the summer Chris was hired to teach fourth grade at one of the hundreds of elementary schools in San Antonio. Chris has LOVED his new school, his cooperating teacher, and his staff and students. We are so grateful for God's provision, both of a job, and of the time we got together this summer. God did amazing work in our marriage, and is continuing to show me how wonderful my husband is...and that is all owed to Chris' continuing desire to be utterly and completely God's, and to be obedient daily to what He is calling him to do.

I'm back at my school for the second year, and have already been able to accomplish 200% more this year than I was able to last year, simply by knowing my students, many of their families, and having experienced all the school and district do last year. I've been writing grants like crazy, and have so far received nearly $10,000 in grants for my program. Amazing what a little gumption and the ability to write can do. :) I started teaching guitar to my fourth graders, and have been suprised at how well it's going. I am still incredibly grateful for God placing me where I am, with my team, with my students, with my staff, and with the parents of this community. There are still three parents who volunteer every week to take Andrew to school for me. EVERY WEEK. They bless me and Andrew so much.

Life at school did change slightly because Jeffrey is now at my school! He's in first grade and his transition has been emotionally and physically hassle-free. He LOVES school. And my school loves him. Some of my fifth graders got to know him yesterday morning because their class and Jeffrey's class partner up to have reading buddies. First comment: "We met Jeffrey! He's so cute!" Second comment: "He's got such BIG EYES." Third comment: "He tried to walk out with our class!" The last part was a bit concerning, so I asked for clarification. Turns out that Jeffrey had indeed tried to leave with their class. Silly boy. I told them it must be because he liked them so much. Then I requested that they watch for him and if they see him wandering by himself that they help him get to safety. :)

Kadee Joy is doing SO WELL at my school. Her teacher loves her, and she's been doing much better in the area of personal responsibility. At one point her teacher named her the class fashion queen (not sure how THAT happened), so each morning she carefully picks our her outfit and accessories so that she will not disappoint her teacher. Teachers, don't hand out compliments or statements lightly...the kids SOAK THEM UP.

Luke is back at his daycare, and got back into his routine within a day. It's fun to see how much he's changed just in a few months. He goes to daycare without any tears, and as soon as we steps in joins with whatever his peers are doing...I don't even get a goodbye, and I'm okay with that. Developmentally he still seems to be on track...pointing, lots of words, waving (sometimes), and he's super strong. I broke down and got him vaccinated after an epidemic of whooping cough and measles broke out in the state of Texas. We haven't noticed a change in behavior, so hopefully I didn't make the wrong choice.

And Andrew.

Andrew is where my heart seems to reside more than my other kids. Not that I love them any less, but when he hurts, I could die. And he's been having a rough go of things for a few months. Almost ANY transition results in a heartbreaking plea from Andrew NOT to transition. Not just one request, but minutes and minutes of pleading, crying, clinging to us. If you heard his plea, I think you would die a little too. Every fiber of my being wants to NOT do whatever is causing him pain. And yet I know, I KNOW, that it's what he needs to do. He NEEDS to go to school. He NEEDS to go to church. He NEEDS to be with his peers in Sunday School. Sometimes we NEED to go home, and not stay at Morgan's Wonderland.

And as I write this, I realize once again God is trying to say something to me. As life offers up all of these many transitions, and I am offering up my plea to God to PLEASE not make me do this, He offers back His better than my own wisdom and says YOU NEED to do this. I know better than you, I can see the whole picture, and even though it seems hard, and you don't like change, and would rather just stay as you are, you NEED to trust Me on this and do it anyway.

And so, I'll continue to trust that God knows what He's doing, and that we're right in doing what we're doing, coming to this new place, turning our families worlds upside down, missing friends and family from our life as it was before, because ultimately it will be better for us. Not less painful, not easier, just better. Even in rereading what I've already written, I know that He is already showing me how He cares for us, and how He has already provided for us. And if it seems like I've written this same lesson at the end of every other blog, it's probably because I have to relearn it and remind myself of it daily, sometimes hourly.

He's GOT this. He's GOT Andrew. And in fact, He's had him all along.

“For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught.” Proverbs 3:26

"For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess."
Deuteronomy 30:16

Mom

My mom's birthday is close to Mother's Day, and so a few weeks ago I entertained the thought of dedicating a blog post to her. In spite of it being a few weeks late, I present it to you now.

I could try to tell you stories about my mother's childhood based on stories she's told me, but I might insert childish interpretations based on the age at which I was told. There are some stories that I don't even know about, as evidenced by a late 1990's visit by my Aunt Sheila to our house in Tillamook in which Aunt Sheila started to tell us a story about my mother in high school but was interrupted by my panicked mother who shouted "Sheila, don't you dare!" Sheila laughed hysterically, but did NOT continue the story. Anyone who knows my mother in real life can only imagine what situations her ultra social butterfly personality and hippie tendencies threw her into as a teenager in the late 60's and early seventies. And I also know that her experience with Iowa extremes in weather helped to form her crazy need to stay in 50-70 degree weather that makes the Oregon coast ideal for her.

What I can tell you is that my mother has been my champion in countless situations. There have been so many times during my life when she could have jumped all over me with judgment, criticism, and an I-told-you-so that would have been well deserved. But I don't remember a time like that in my life. I remember such an opportunity when I told her about the nature of an abusive relationship I had gotten out of a few months before...no judgment, no condemnation, no disappointment...only heartache at the hurt I'd been caused.

When life has dealt me a sometimes tragic hand, like during the worst of my marital crisis, the diagnosis of my boys with autism, the complicated surgery of my middle child, the financial upheaval of my family...she has never offered unsolicited advice, but simply helped me get through. I remember the day I found out the worst news of my life. She was in Tillamook and I was in Olympia, and she wrote, "Though I am not dad, I love you just as much as he did. And though my embrace is not the same, I am here for you and I care deeply. I love you Steph. You are beautiful and special and I'm proud to be your mom." In a way, I think my dad's death gave God the opportunity to work through her and to develop closer relationships with us girls, because dad had had that role with us before his passing. And I know that her own experiences with tragedy have given her wise words to say without saying too much.

When she first heard that God had told us to move to San Antonio, she didn't freak out but told us to keep praying about it. Once it became a reality she started looking up everything she could about the area. She helped us to financially prepare for the move, and prayed, prayed, prayed that jobs would line up. The week before we moved, she came and helped us pack. The morning I received the call from Alamo Heights, she was the reason I called back and took the interview. And of course, that was a HUGE part of God's plan. And she covers over half of Andrew's tuition every month...which shows just how much she believes in what God has called us to do down here.

Our relationship can sometimes be a quirky one, but we're pretty quirky gals. I remember making so much more sense to my husband's family after playing several card games with them and my mom. We're a competitive lot. Her (dyed) red hair is a fitting crown, and her hippie/blinged out fashion sense perfectly describes her...Indescribable. :) She has to visit us in the late fall because the summer makes her cranky, and when she comes she showers the kids with chocolate Donettes and frequent outings because she has NEVER been able to sit still. Our meal times are much more precisely planned, and usually include at least one Pizza Hut dinner made of thin-crust pepperoni pizza so that she can relive her college diet. She starts to get stir crazy at the end of the visit and almost always leaves a day in advance, but if you watch the speed at which she walks it makes sense why.

And she has always, always been one to visit the old, the sick, and the invalid. God gave her a gift of ministry for them, and she has never, despite having twins, a son, and sometimes being poor, shirked this ministry.

We are so opposite in personality that sometimes our lifestyles drive the other crazy, but our visits are fun, our phone calls (usually) frequent, and I KNOW she's in my corner, even if she's hungry, or too hot, or tired. And for that, I am very, very grateful that God gave her to me as my mother.

Living Life Backwards

Browsing Facebook does a few things. Number one, it allows you a unique look into the lives of those you see on a daily basis as well as those you haven't seen in years.

But number two (and what turns out to be what happens more often than I'd like to admit), it naturally causes you to compare that stages of the life you are in with those you are "friends" with. And this gets me into trouble, because my life has not gone the way I "thought" it would go.


Chris and I were married young. Chris was only 20, and I had just turned 22. Yes, I'm older, and marrying a younger man was something I'd always sworn I wouldn't do. We lived in married housing at NNU for a mere $345 a month (including utilities!) for the first two years of our marriage while both of us finished up school. Towards the end of our second year of marriage, I had just started my master's program, and somehow we got the idea to buy a house. And so, we did...And it was beautiful and we loved it.
The interest rate on the house was ridiculously low (although not as the rates can be now!) and our mortgage payment likewise was low. We had Kadee Joy within the first year of being in that house. And life was good.



And then, 6 months after she was born, my dad died. He was 47. I was 25. And I knew no one else in my circle of friends who had lost a parent. I felt robbed.

9 months after the death of my dad came Andrew. And he was beautiful. And I was so sad that my dad never knew him.



4 months after Andrew was born, Chris was offered a youth pastor job in Washington. I wanted to stay at home with my two kids (that's what I was supposed to do, right?), and Chris' job would allow me to. I would also be closer to my family (minus dad of course), which I also wanted. And so we moved, and made around $50,000 in the sale of our house, and put most of it into a down payment on our new house in Washington. And it should have been beautiful.



But it didn't turn out that way. Less than a year into Washington, I was pregnant with Jeffrey, and Chris and were in what I euphemistically call "marital crisis." I was looking at being a divorced single mother of (almost) three at age 27.

But God intervened, right before Easter, and Chris found his way back to the Light and we entered into the third stage of our marriage. Everything in our married life is referred to as pre-Washington, Washington, and post-Washington.

Because of the nature of our marital crisis, we needed to move. So we moved back to Idaho, living with Chris' sister and brother-in-law. But we had to sell our house, which we did...and at a loss because we had been in it so short a time, and because the housing bubble that had earned us so much on our first house was busting during the sale of our second house. Quickly, before the bust really took effect, we bought our third house, when prices on houses were at their highest.



Chris went back to school at this time, feeling that the nature of our crisis would forever bar him from youth ministry. He got his teaching certification...and in the process we racked up an enormous amount of both credit card and student loan debt. Also, Andrew and Jeffrey were diagnosed with autism.

A few months before his certification program was over, we started Love, INC. And through Love, INC, we hacked away at all of our credit card debt. But the student loan debt was put on the back burner.




And then, in 2011, the whole story of how we got to Texas began. And it's been an amazing journey. Luke was born at the end of 2011, and he was beautiful, and he confirmed God's plan for us to move.



In January 2012 we talked with our realtor about putting our house on the market...and he told us what we already knew. Our house was worth FAR less than what we would get out of it. So we entered the short sale process, and thankfully, our house sold, at a loss to the bank of nearly $50,000. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.




Which brings me back to the beginning. We are now living in a single wide in Texas with our four kids, and if there's not a country song about that then I should write one.



We cannot buy a house...number one because we just did a short sale, but number two because our student loan debt to income ratio is waaaay too high. We have owned three houses in our 11 year marriage, but we did so at the beginning of our marriage and cannot do it now, when so many people my age are just beginning to buy their second "forever" home. I have four kids, and so many of those I know just started their families. Many of my friends are just now dealing with the health or death of a parent...or not at all...and I have been missing dad for eight long years. We're planning on moving into San Antonio (we live about 30 miles away right now) so that we can be closer to all of our schools (including mine). But of course, rentals are our only way to go...and I'm uncomfortable with it.

Chris is still trying to find his way in the working world. He's currently working ground maintenance at an upscale golf course and really likes it...but it just doesn't come close to covering our monthly expenses, even with my higher than usual teaching salary. He wants to fulfill God's calling on his life, and is waiting patiently (much more so than I) for the opportunity to do so full-time, rather than in a volunteer capacity. We'll see what the fall brings.

So as I say...I feel I'm living life backwards. I have a constant battle in my head of where I think we "should" be.

We "should" be finished paying our student loan debt...it's been ten years, and I get to see on Facebook when classmates have done it!

We "should" be in our own house. Facebook tells me we should!

We "should" be having my parents visiting us and going on wonderful vacations with them. Facebook shows me I should!

My kids "should" be winning all sorts of awards, be excelling in dance, athletics...again, Facebook tells me they should!

As a mom I "should" be staying at home with my kids and creating fantastic desserts for their birthdays, and dressing them in hipster/indie kids clothes. The pictures on Facebook show me that it's the way things are done!

I "should" be invited to my alma mater to explain to the students what being successful in my job looks like. For the record...I haven't been invited. :)

Now you might be thinking that I'm at a point of desperation and maybe you should call the authorities, whoever they might be. Or you might be thinking, "Man, she really must be embarrassed to post this stuff on a blog..."

But here's the thing...I KNOW I'm not alone in struggling with the Shoulds of life. For every perfect picture posted of a perfect life on Facebook are at least 10 people looking at it thinking the same things I am. And the truth is, life isn't always perfect, life is almost never what we think it's going to be, and...the mantra of my life...God ALWAYS has better plans for my life than I do. For example:

I can be an incredibly selfish, inward focused person. And I KNOW that I was far worse about this before my dad died, my marriage fell apart, my financial picture imploded, and my boys got diagnosed with autism. All of those things created within me an understanding of people and their weaknesses and moments of despair because of my own. Were my dad still alive, my marriage without that point of destruction, my home the picture of financial strenght, and my children all "normal," I KNOW that I would be more judgemental, self-righteous, and selfish.

I wouldn't have been able to be obedient to God calling us to Texas. Each of the experiences mentioned above share one common trait: They strengthened my knowledge of the need to trust God. I used to so easily take credit for the successes in my life. I know now how flawed that thinking was and is. Having all of the "shoulds" mentioned above would not have created happiness in me. I would always want more. And any of them could be taken away at any moment. For me, they were taken before I had a chance to take credit for them. And truth be told, our everyday needs are ALWAYS MET, and God has always been faithful in providing for them. And though I always told Chris that moving to Texas would never happen, I really do love it down here.

I wouldn't find constant reasons to trust God in His wisdom. I'd be trusting my own wisdom, and taking credit for it as well. And God is also very good at showing me what I need to work on...and it almost never has to do with the outward adornments of myself, my home, or my family.

These are all things in life that will eventually be taken care of. Because I firmly believe that,"...our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." These moments of struggle and pain simply are a reminder that life, wonderful as it can be at times, are self defined...MOMENTARY. There is a place beyond my dreams and in eternal reality where we will find our true home. Where our children's fashion will not matter because they will be draped in heavenly garb. Where illnesses, disorders, and death will be no more and my boys and I will reel in laughter with their Poppa. Where our feelings of discomfort in finding and living in our earthly homes will be forgotten in the indescribable beauty of our heavenly home.

SO...I'm praying for the ability to focus on what God is calling me to in this moment. I'm praying for the ability to praise God for what He HAS given to me. I'm praying for wisdom in knowing what steps to take next. I'm praying to be the mother and wife HE wants me to be...not what Facebook makes me think I should be. I'm praying for my husband to continue to follow where God is calling him to, and that I will trust in God's provision and not the dollar signs attached to various opportunities.

And I'm praying that I will be able to meet what God has for me with an open heart and mind, and that He will provide people to encourage me to follow HIS will, and not my own selfish desires.