That's the most creative title I could come up with. Sorry. :)
This week has been...interesting. I've had a wide range of emotions, some good, some a little discouraging. But I've ended my week feeling positive, and reminded of how much in my life really just depends on my reaction to it.
Andrew got his first progress report. It was very cute. I know that reports aren't usually cute, but his was. He is on target to complete all his goals by the end of the year. Woo-hoo!
I've been hit with how quickly this sweet time in my kids' lives is passing. This wasn't simply something I thought up on my own, of course. I had two or three random people mention to me how they wish they could go back to this time in their own children's lives, when our presence as parents is still welcome and even sought after.
I think I'd like to go on an adventure with my family. It probably couldn't be real far away, or for real long...but still.
And apparently that is all I have to say. :)
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Guilty Mother Syndrome
So that was the title of the blog I wrote at 4:30 am.
I pulled the blog at 6:45 this morning.
I write pretty well at that time of day, but I also tend to write to deep, too openly, too painfully. It was a very painful blog, one that took a harsh look at myself and the struggles that I still face.
Of course, if you've read my other posts, they can often be that way anyway.
But this one was too many of those things, and putting into writing that is published on the Internet was too much even for me.
So I will write a blog later that gives a better of look of how I am feeling that includes the discretion that even I feel is important when it comes to blogs. :)
Have a wonderful weekend.
I pulled the blog at 6:45 this morning.
I write pretty well at that time of day, but I also tend to write to deep, too openly, too painfully. It was a very painful blog, one that took a harsh look at myself and the struggles that I still face.
Of course, if you've read my other posts, they can often be that way anyway.
But this one was too many of those things, and putting into writing that is published on the Internet was too much even for me.
So I will write a blog later that gives a better of look of how I am feeling that includes the discretion that even I feel is important when it comes to blogs. :)
Have a wonderful weekend.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Medical Mystery Tour
Get it? Like the Magical Mystery Tour? Beatles? Anyone? Okay.
So Jeffy has still not been walking, and drags his left leg around pretty much all the time when he crawls. I e-mailed his rheumatologist to let him know that despite 30 days of steroids, Jeffy had not improved. He immediately e-mailed back and said he wanted to see Jeffy ASAP. So we got him in for today.
Sunday morning, Jeffy woke up with both eyes swollen, a fever, and a rash across his nose. All things that can be linked to autoimmune stuff. His eyes got worse over the next two days, and this morning, his left eye was nearly swollen shut. Weird, weird stuff.
So I took him to the doctor, and realized on my way there that the time that had opened up was the exact time of the inauguration. Whatever you voted, I'm sure most would agree that the inauguration today was of huge historical importance, and since I actually voted for now President Obama, I was very sad to have to miss it.
Regardless, I took him in, and our very concerned rheumatologist ordered more bloodwork, another specialist appointment (someone new), and another appointment with our pediatrician to rule out other possible infections.
So we're waiting for the results of the blood work (which, by the way, was a harrowing experience in which the phlebotomist searched with the needle INSIDE Jeffy's arm for one entire minute before actually finding the pain...BRUTAL...AWFUL...still makes me sick), which will hopefully help us figure out why he's not getting better.
In the meantime, our dear boy is very smiley, although very piratey looking with his one eye.
Our insurance has been giving us a few fits as well, and a technicality prevented us from automatically continuing with Medicaid as a supplemental insurance. This is a big deal for all of Andrew's developmental stuff as well as Jeffy's past, current and future medical issues. Hopefully our reapplication will go through without a hitch.
I am still having the chest and arm pains that sent me to the ER, but don't know what to do about it besides take my Advil as needed. It's kind of a pain (literally), but I'm glad it's not an actual big deal.
Chris got his exercise that he's been wanting and has been faithfully riding about 6 miles a day, although he researched it today and realized that he might have to make some additional changes to his life to make the changes to his body he wants.
I am just over feeling overwhelmed. I got hit with a huge wave of it today. It may hit me again later, but for now, it's okay.
Andrew is looking on the remote and identifying the numbers on it. What a smart boy!
Kadee Joy is "working" with a wrench. She's just turning it around and around, and explaining to me what job she is doing. She's so funny.
I'm starting to get random, so I'd better finish. One of these days, I'm going to post a cheesy blog that tells about how wonderful everyone is doing, feeling, etc....What a great day that will be!
So Jeffy has still not been walking, and drags his left leg around pretty much all the time when he crawls. I e-mailed his rheumatologist to let him know that despite 30 days of steroids, Jeffy had not improved. He immediately e-mailed back and said he wanted to see Jeffy ASAP. So we got him in for today.
Sunday morning, Jeffy woke up with both eyes swollen, a fever, and a rash across his nose. All things that can be linked to autoimmune stuff. His eyes got worse over the next two days, and this morning, his left eye was nearly swollen shut. Weird, weird stuff.
So I took him to the doctor, and realized on my way there that the time that had opened up was the exact time of the inauguration. Whatever you voted, I'm sure most would agree that the inauguration today was of huge historical importance, and since I actually voted for now President Obama, I was very sad to have to miss it.
Regardless, I took him in, and our very concerned rheumatologist ordered more bloodwork, another specialist appointment (someone new), and another appointment with our pediatrician to rule out other possible infections.
So we're waiting for the results of the blood work (which, by the way, was a harrowing experience in which the phlebotomist searched with the needle INSIDE Jeffy's arm for one entire minute before actually finding the pain...BRUTAL...AWFUL...still makes me sick), which will hopefully help us figure out why he's not getting better.
In the meantime, our dear boy is very smiley, although very piratey looking with his one eye.
Our insurance has been giving us a few fits as well, and a technicality prevented us from automatically continuing with Medicaid as a supplemental insurance. This is a big deal for all of Andrew's developmental stuff as well as Jeffy's past, current and future medical issues. Hopefully our reapplication will go through without a hitch.
I am still having the chest and arm pains that sent me to the ER, but don't know what to do about it besides take my Advil as needed. It's kind of a pain (literally), but I'm glad it's not an actual big deal.
Chris got his exercise that he's been wanting and has been faithfully riding about 6 miles a day, although he researched it today and realized that he might have to make some additional changes to his life to make the changes to his body he wants.
I am just over feeling overwhelmed. I got hit with a huge wave of it today. It may hit me again later, but for now, it's okay.
Andrew is looking on the remote and identifying the numbers on it. What a smart boy!
Kadee Joy is "working" with a wrench. She's just turning it around and around, and explaining to me what job she is doing. She's so funny.
I'm starting to get random, so I'd better finish. One of these days, I'm going to post a cheesy blog that tells about how wonderful everyone is doing, feeling, etc....What a great day that will be!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Not again
So last year I had two ambulance rides from my school. Once was for falling on the ice in the parking lot (they thought I had concussion), and the other was for herniating my L5 while picking up a clipboard off the ground. So, at the end of 2008, I jokingly told my school secretary that I was excited for no ambulance rides in 2009!
And that's where I should have kept my mouth shut. It seems like lately, if I joke about anything, or act as though life is going smoothly, the recently laid rug gets pulled out again.
I was sitting at my desk today, sipping on my coffee, and enjoying the few minutes of peace and quiet in between my 1st grade class and my 4th grade class when I felt as though someone had reached inside my body, grabbed my heart, and squeezed tight around it. Shooting pains started to race down my left arm, and I started sweating, and had difficulty breathing. Being the ridiculous person I am, I looked up "chest pains" on the Internet, wondering if I should tell anyone about it. It lasted about 3 minutes before I decided that I might want to talk with my school nurse. So, heart and left arm still in a great deal of pain, I walked down to the office and asked to see our school nurse. She immediately had me lay down, took my blood pressure, which was quite high (for me), and found my pulse to be quite high too. I could actually hear and feel my heart pounding, which was quite unsettling.
So, yet again, my school had to call for an ambulance to come and take me to the hospital. Once in the ambulance, the EMT's tried to get an IV started in me so that they could start some nitroglycerin so that my veins would dilate, and so they could check some things out. 4 pokes later, no IV...they said my veins were "interesting." They also couldn't get a good read on one of the tests in my heart, which was somewhat concerning to them.
Once we got to St. Luke's, I was wheeled right into a room, where a nurse and doctor both appeared within minutes. They don't mess around with potential heart problems. My nurse had blood drawn and an IV started within a few minutes, and my doc ordered X-Rays and blood work. My chest pains had started to recede, although my left arm was still hurting.
Luckily, thankfully, I had not had a heart attack. Instead, I was diagnosed with inflammation of the chest (the inside :) and of my arm. With there still being some lingering pain, my doctor put me on some very, very strong pain medication.
If you know anything about any of my hospital experiences, you will know that pain medication is always a touchy subject. I have yet to find one that leaves me a sane person. Today was no different. Apparently as soon as the stuff kicked in (within a matter of seconds) I started to ask the same questions repeatedly, and then tried to tell Chris many secrets, including something about his birthday surprise. He was with it enough to insist that I not tell him anything about it, and patiently answered my questions, no matter how many times I asked them.
I was so glad Chris got there to meet me. I fell into tears many times on the ambulance ride over, sometimes in fear of what was happening, but also in grief as I remembered my dad, and the time I had to convince him to put the oxygen tube back in his nose just a day or two before he died.
My administrator Lynnie drove over to meet me too. I cannot begin to say what a great administrator I have. The docs and nurses were all amazed that a principal would actually take the time out of her day to come and be with me in the hospital. She welcomed me back to Nampa by offering me a job, has been praying for me for many years, and has always come to the hospital during my many stays. ;) I am so fortunate to call her both boss and friend.
And then of course there is my dear husband, who has taken care of me today from the moment he got to the hospital, and is still taking care of me. Some husbands get frustrated when their wives get sick...mine is so good to me, and I am so lucky to have him.
So the plan is to try and take things low-key, although I'm planning on going to work tomorrow, since writing lesson plans would cause more stress than just showing up. Hopefully the kids will be nice to me. :) And hopefully the inflammation dies down soon...the pain is still a little intense at time.
And thank you to those who prayed for me. Your prayers are your best gifts to me and my family.
And now, to bed. Thank you Lord for the gift of life. May I serve You with that in mind each day.
And that's where I should have kept my mouth shut. It seems like lately, if I joke about anything, or act as though life is going smoothly, the recently laid rug gets pulled out again.
I was sitting at my desk today, sipping on my coffee, and enjoying the few minutes of peace and quiet in between my 1st grade class and my 4th grade class when I felt as though someone had reached inside my body, grabbed my heart, and squeezed tight around it. Shooting pains started to race down my left arm, and I started sweating, and had difficulty breathing. Being the ridiculous person I am, I looked up "chest pains" on the Internet, wondering if I should tell anyone about it. It lasted about 3 minutes before I decided that I might want to talk with my school nurse. So, heart and left arm still in a great deal of pain, I walked down to the office and asked to see our school nurse. She immediately had me lay down, took my blood pressure, which was quite high (for me), and found my pulse to be quite high too. I could actually hear and feel my heart pounding, which was quite unsettling.
So, yet again, my school had to call for an ambulance to come and take me to the hospital. Once in the ambulance, the EMT's tried to get an IV started in me so that they could start some nitroglycerin so that my veins would dilate, and so they could check some things out. 4 pokes later, no IV...they said my veins were "interesting." They also couldn't get a good read on one of the tests in my heart, which was somewhat concerning to them.
Once we got to St. Luke's, I was wheeled right into a room, where a nurse and doctor both appeared within minutes. They don't mess around with potential heart problems. My nurse had blood drawn and an IV started within a few minutes, and my doc ordered X-Rays and blood work. My chest pains had started to recede, although my left arm was still hurting.
Luckily, thankfully, I had not had a heart attack. Instead, I was diagnosed with inflammation of the chest (the inside :) and of my arm. With there still being some lingering pain, my doctor put me on some very, very strong pain medication.
If you know anything about any of my hospital experiences, you will know that pain medication is always a touchy subject. I have yet to find one that leaves me a sane person. Today was no different. Apparently as soon as the stuff kicked in (within a matter of seconds) I started to ask the same questions repeatedly, and then tried to tell Chris many secrets, including something about his birthday surprise. He was with it enough to insist that I not tell him anything about it, and patiently answered my questions, no matter how many times I asked them.
I was so glad Chris got there to meet me. I fell into tears many times on the ambulance ride over, sometimes in fear of what was happening, but also in grief as I remembered my dad, and the time I had to convince him to put the oxygen tube back in his nose just a day or two before he died.
My administrator Lynnie drove over to meet me too. I cannot begin to say what a great administrator I have. The docs and nurses were all amazed that a principal would actually take the time out of her day to come and be with me in the hospital. She welcomed me back to Nampa by offering me a job, has been praying for me for many years, and has always come to the hospital during my many stays. ;) I am so fortunate to call her both boss and friend.
And then of course there is my dear husband, who has taken care of me today from the moment he got to the hospital, and is still taking care of me. Some husbands get frustrated when their wives get sick...mine is so good to me, and I am so lucky to have him.
So the plan is to try and take things low-key, although I'm planning on going to work tomorrow, since writing lesson plans would cause more stress than just showing up. Hopefully the kids will be nice to me. :) And hopefully the inflammation dies down soon...the pain is still a little intense at time.
And thank you to those who prayed for me. Your prayers are your best gifts to me and my family.
And now, to bed. Thank you Lord for the gift of life. May I serve You with that in mind each day.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Best and Worst of 2008 (with grateful appreciation to Kara Franklin)
Now realize these may have come out years before...I just didn't experience them or really get into them until 2008
Now realize these may have come out years before...I just didn't experience them or really get into them until 2008
- Book(s) - Best: The Harry Potter Series. I'd never read a single one before this summer, and then read them all in a matter of two weeks. Don't judge them until you've read them! Worst: The Children of Hurin. Awful, depressing. Good writing of course (it's Tolkien), but makes you kind of want to shoot yourself.
- Movie -Best: The Jane Austen Book Club, Worst: Definitely, Maybe
- Song - Best: In Christ Alone (worship song), Worst: Probably something I had to teach my kindergartners. Some of their songs are lame-o
- Memory - This might not be the "best", but having my son go through major surgery. Second honeymoon to Texas would definitely be the best. Worst: Having someone ask my son Andrew point blank if he was stupid and just pretending to be deaf.
- Something new I've started - Best: publicly blogging and dying my hair. Worst: Spending a lot on getting my hair done
- Quote - Best:"Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Worst: "You can't help who you love"
- TV show -Best: The News (I'm a nerd) Worst: Survivor (China)
- New artist - I'm more into old artists. :) But I do like my artist at Studio D who does my hair :)
- Presidential vote - Barack Obama
- Person -Best: My husband, Worst: me, at times
- Place - Best: Corpus Christi, Texas or the Starbucks down the street, Worst: Target...okay it's the best, but I spend so much money there!
- Something I'm proud of -Making it through the year feeling that I firmly rested on the strength and wisdom of God
- Something I wish I could go back and do differently-Be more on top of my finances
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Doing and being
I feel completely differently about 2009 than I did about 2008. For 2008, I made no resolutions. Not one. I didn't even think about it.
2008 was simply a year when I let whatever was going to happen...happen. Life was such a roller coaster leading up to January of last year that I didn't really even consider trying to break out of what was about to come. I just prayed for the strength to be able to handle it, and for God's will to be done.
I don't think that was a bad perspective. Looking back on the year, I don't think there was really any other way to handle it. There was nothing I was going to be able to do to keep my sons from being diagnosed with their various things. Metaphorically, the water had been at or above my head for quite a while. I wasn't going to do anything that would potentially add more.
January of 2009, on the other hand, has simply been a time for me to think about what I want to do to better myself and my family's situation, and a time for setting goals to accomplish that. I'm much more optimistic about 2009 and what exciting things are going to happen, rather than simply bracing myself for the difficulties I knew would ultimately come.
I've never been much for resolutions, but God has been clearly pointing out areas in my life that need to be changed. Attitudes, perspectives, habits...
So I'm excited for this New Year. I feel newly rejuvenated and motivated. Andrew is making huge gains, and I can't wait to see what he is able to do by January of 2010. My beautiful little girl will be starting kindergarten this year! I'm excited for the opportunities of learning and social interaction that school will afford her.
Jeffy, I am determined, will learn to walk and talk in 2009. It may not be when I want him to (that would have been a few months ago) but through whatever means we need to do whether it's therapy or what have you, he'll be able to do those things. And I will get to know my little boy even better.
Chris and I have moved into an area past just healing and now into full-on growth. I'm excited for what God is going to teach me through my marriage. We're teaching a new Sunday School class that has opened up so many doors of discussion and spiritual growth. Thank you Lord for that opportunity! But with all that, I know that I can be a much better wife and friend to my husband. God, please help me to look to You as the source of my hope and strength, so that I may in turn be able to give more to my husband, rather than looking to him to provide those things instead.
And I'm going to turn 30 this year. What in the world? When did that happen? But what a great wakeup call. Life will pass us by so quickly.
I want to be an excellent teacher. Not just a good teacher, but an excellent one. In some cases, I see these kids for only a few weeks before they're uprooted to another school. Lord, let your light shine through me so that in some miraculous way, they can be pointed ever closer to You.
I want to be a colleague that is encouraging, affirming, but who can also be constructively honest. I've been reworking conversations over and over in my head. I don't have it all figured out, and I think sometimes I try to come across as though I do. I have had several moments of humility come upon me because of my sometimes know-it-all-ish attitude. Lord, help me to be more like you.
I want to be a good friend. I tend to be a person that may know a lot of people through various situations, but keeps my real friends to a smaller number. There are many things I think of doing for people, but generally tend to just let them go by the wayside as I continue to focus on me. I am praying that my eyes will not only be opened to the ways I can love my friends, but that I will also be provided with the motivation to follow through.
And spiritually, I am determined to allow enough silence in my life to let God tell me what He actually wants me to focus on, which of course might rule out a bunch of goals I've just set. :)Lord, please show me the path you would have me follow each day. Help me to learn from the past, but not to dwell on it...and to build a home for my children and husband that enables us to look to the future with glad expectation while enjoying the delights of each present day.
I have not attained all that I can, and certainly have much to learn. But I am excited for what this year brings. Thank you Lord for bringing us to this point.
2008 was simply a year when I let whatever was going to happen...happen. Life was such a roller coaster leading up to January of last year that I didn't really even consider trying to break out of what was about to come. I just prayed for the strength to be able to handle it, and for God's will to be done.
I don't think that was a bad perspective. Looking back on the year, I don't think there was really any other way to handle it. There was nothing I was going to be able to do to keep my sons from being diagnosed with their various things. Metaphorically, the water had been at or above my head for quite a while. I wasn't going to do anything that would potentially add more.
January of 2009, on the other hand, has simply been a time for me to think about what I want to do to better myself and my family's situation, and a time for setting goals to accomplish that. I'm much more optimistic about 2009 and what exciting things are going to happen, rather than simply bracing myself for the difficulties I knew would ultimately come.
I've never been much for resolutions, but God has been clearly pointing out areas in my life that need to be changed. Attitudes, perspectives, habits...
So I'm excited for this New Year. I feel newly rejuvenated and motivated. Andrew is making huge gains, and I can't wait to see what he is able to do by January of 2010. My beautiful little girl will be starting kindergarten this year! I'm excited for the opportunities of learning and social interaction that school will afford her.
Jeffy, I am determined, will learn to walk and talk in 2009. It may not be when I want him to (that would have been a few months ago) but through whatever means we need to do whether it's therapy or what have you, he'll be able to do those things. And I will get to know my little boy even better.
Chris and I have moved into an area past just healing and now into full-on growth. I'm excited for what God is going to teach me through my marriage. We're teaching a new Sunday School class that has opened up so many doors of discussion and spiritual growth. Thank you Lord for that opportunity! But with all that, I know that I can be a much better wife and friend to my husband. God, please help me to look to You as the source of my hope and strength, so that I may in turn be able to give more to my husband, rather than looking to him to provide those things instead.
And I'm going to turn 30 this year. What in the world? When did that happen? But what a great wakeup call. Life will pass us by so quickly.
I want to be an excellent teacher. Not just a good teacher, but an excellent one. In some cases, I see these kids for only a few weeks before they're uprooted to another school. Lord, let your light shine through me so that in some miraculous way, they can be pointed ever closer to You.
I want to be a colleague that is encouraging, affirming, but who can also be constructively honest. I've been reworking conversations over and over in my head. I don't have it all figured out, and I think sometimes I try to come across as though I do. I have had several moments of humility come upon me because of my sometimes know-it-all-ish attitude. Lord, help me to be more like you.
I want to be a good friend. I tend to be a person that may know a lot of people through various situations, but keeps my real friends to a smaller number. There are many things I think of doing for people, but generally tend to just let them go by the wayside as I continue to focus on me. I am praying that my eyes will not only be opened to the ways I can love my friends, but that I will also be provided with the motivation to follow through.
And spiritually, I am determined to allow enough silence in my life to let God tell me what He actually wants me to focus on, which of course might rule out a bunch of goals I've just set. :)Lord, please show me the path you would have me follow each day. Help me to learn from the past, but not to dwell on it...and to build a home for my children and husband that enables us to look to the future with glad expectation while enjoying the delights of each present day.
I have not attained all that I can, and certainly have much to learn. But I am excited for what this year brings. Thank you Lord for bringing us to this point.
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