Fall

I couldn't think of any more creative title.

So after my last whine-fest I wanted to make this one good. I don't know that I will live up to that wish, but I will try.

This has been an interesting time in the Tiner household. Two short weeks after I had "the swine" my kids all had cases of it. Or at least, they had a number of symptoms that were close enough to them that they were asked to stay home from school. Andrew was out for a solid two weeks, while Kadee Joy was kept at home for just one. They all seem to be back to normal now, and we're very glad to be on this side of it.

After being on a waiting list for nine months, Jeffy finally got in to see the geneticist. The geneticist ordered a battery of tests to be done, and on his evaluation listed several possible syndromes or diseases that Jeffy could have. After a couple of weeks of waiting, we got the results back...His DNA looks good! (as well it should...have you seen us? :) He has one more test that we're waiting on. I'm very glad everything came back looking normal. I do, however, still wish that we knew why he has so many medical problems.

My hair is changing often these days. I went to a new salon and came back with group of colors which many people liked a lot...but which really wasn't me. So after six weeks, I took the plunge and tried to make it all one color. But in order to do that I had to go dark brown, since one of my many colors was dark brown and I didn't want to risk going all Anne of Green Gables and ending up with green hair. I really like it. I also have bangs now, which I also really like (after not having them for 17 years). The downside to all these hair changes is that I inevitable have the not too with it student who will ask (weeks afterwards), "Why did you dye your hair, Mrs. Tiner", to which I really don't have a good answer yet.

My mom came and visited last weekend and we had a great time hanging out, shopping, and catching up. My daughter bawled after she left...she misses her Bomma.

I had my first program of the year, which went pretty well, and I have another one coming up on Veteran's Day. Programs drive me crazy, but their an important part of my job.

I've been making a more conscious effort to work with my kids and have seen great improvements. Jeffy now knows his colors (of course) to go along with his letters (uppercase and lowercase), numbers, and a few shapes. Kadee Joy is making good gains on sight words, and recently got glasses! She failed her 5 year old vision test miserably, having inherited her daddy's lazy left eye. So we took her to the pediatric opthamologist who confirmed the lazy eye and gave her a prescription for glasses. We went back today and found that the glasses are helping, but if they haven't corrected her vision more drastically in the next six weeks she will need to get an eyepatch. Arrrrrrr!

Andrew is struggling a bit this year in both preschool and Sunday School. I'm not really sure why...We have our parent teacher conferences for both Kadee Joy and Andrew next week, and hopefully we can get a better idea then. His IEP was mailed to us this week, and it was a bit discouraging to hear the large number of ways he is behind his peers. But oh, how we love our boy. Please pray that we will find additional ways of helping him.

Chris and I are having fun being married, parenting, and leading the senior high youth group at our church. I am so amazed at the man God has changed Chris into. He is so exceptional at what he does. I thank God for the second chances He gives us all, and for the ways He has opened my eyes to the wonderful person I am married to.

Chris is headed to the church and needs the laptop, so I'll finish. Above are some fun pictures my mom took during her visit here.

Quarantine and Isolation

Swine flu sucks. Just so you know. I made fun of it when it first hit...I'm really not sure why, looking back.

It all started on Monday. I woke up feeling fantastic, went to work, did the morning exercises, and had a great morning. My associate next door wasn't feeling too good, but I felt great.

And then that afternoon I started sneezing. And then I started feeling tired. And then I started coughing.

On Tuesday I felt so bad that I laid down down on the couch in the staff lounge during most of my lunch break. I felt better that afternoon, which I attributed to a dose of Tylenol Cold/Cough that I'd taken in the morning.

Wednesday proved to be even harder, and I literally had to stand against the wall and try not to fall asleep. I felt extremely tired, achy, and just couldn't seem to muster up much energy. I went into the nurse's office after laying on the couch for another lunch break. She took my temp and I had a low grade fever. There were only two hours left of school by the time she took it, so I decided just to struggle it out. My afternoon classes were nice to me, and then I came home. My fever stuck around and I spent the night in bed. I realized that I probably shouldn't go in the next day, but was a little torn since both that day (Thursday) and the next day (Friday) were state inservice days and the DO had already asked that no one else take those days off since we were over our sub limit.

So I called my administrator that night and let her know that I had a fever. She told me that I was definitely to stay home the next day if I still had it. So I called my librarian friend to see if my classes could just go to her, and she was great about it. So Thursday was taken care of.

Thursday came and I did not improve...in fact, I felt much worse. The aches from the previous days had turned into all out pain and my fever kept me in a constant state of being either extremely hot or extremely cold. My kids knew that I was home and didn't understand why I couldn't hang out with them. After lunch, I went out into the living room to hang out with them, although I barely had the strength to walk from my bedroom to the couch.

Thursday night, I had the decision to make of whether or not I would go back to work the next day. My fever was still present, and I still felt horrible, but I didn't want my school to have to do all the inconvenient changes my absence would cause. So I decided to go to the doctor (Quick Care) right before the office closed just to see what they thought.

My fever had dropped, but apparently my other symptoms were concerning enough for them to do the HORRIBLE Influenza swab they have to do to see if you actually have it. Ten minutes later, the doctor came back in. Positive for Influenza A...and 99.9% of all those positive for Influenza A actually have H1N1...swine flu. I was not to go back to work (or out in public) until I had been fever free for 24 hours (without the aid of a fever reducer). And I was to be quarantined in my bedroom, and restrict any interaction with my family. They were also not to leave the house (as much as possible).

Well, that explained a lot. So I called my administrator who obviously told me that I was to follow the doctor's orders. My friend once again was very gracious in taking my classes, and my colleagues at school covered my other duties. The next morning I received a phone call from our school nurse who asked permission to let the rest of the staff know what I had and what symptoms they were to look for, and that everyone who ends up with it is to report it to her. I became the first official H1N1 case at our school. Yippee! The thing that nags at me is that I'm sure I had it while I was feeling so ill at school. I am hoping against hope that no one else gets it...

I have been in Isolation/under Quarantine for 24 hours (at home for 48 hours) and it is not nearly as fun as you might think. Number one, I feel horrible. I can easily see how H1N1 could really destroy someone with a low immune system. It just sucks the life out of you, and sleep helps little because you just wake up drenched in sweat and can't breathe because of the respiratory part of the virus. The only good I can see out of it is that I don't have the vomiting part of it. That would be horrible, horrible, horrible.

Number two, every once in a while I'll hear a quiet little knock on a door followed by a heart-wrenching "Mommy? Mommy?!" My kids know I'm in here, but the younger two obviously have no idea why they can't be in here. Andrew keeps trying to sneak in to come and snuggle. If anything, the actual diagnosis has helped to silence that little voice in the back of my head that asks "Could it really hurt if I was with them for just a little bit?" And while Kadee Joy understands that I'm sick, she doesn't really get the seriousness of what would happen if she or her brothers got it.

Jeffrey has already had auto-immune stuff...he's just not a strong guy. I worry about him getting it. I worry about my whole family getting it, but him especially. So if you could, please pray for the protection of my family. They can't leave to get away from it, so it's kind of chancy either way.

Chris has had an enormously difficult task in caring for me, the kids, and disinfecting the house as best he can. He has been so good about it, but I can tell he's running low on energy. And he has to be the bad guy who keeps the kids away from Mommy. And he can't leave the house either. Supposedly by Sunday afternoon, we'll be okay, as long as the kids don't show symptoms, although the virus can rear it's ugly head anywhere from 7-24 days after infecting someone.

I made the mistake of posting my question of whether or not I had H1N1 on Facebook. Not that anyone was rude or anything, but it's probably not something that all 200 of my "friends" need to know about. Of course, now I'm blogging about it, so my ethics are all mixed up:) So I took it off, and decided to take a break from Facebook, which is kind of tough because there are so many people joking about Swine Flu on it and others wondering if they should get the vaccine. I understand why people joke (obviously I did), but it really is pretty horrible, and would be much worse if it infected a large portion of a family, church, or school. I'm really hoping that my own quarantine proves to be somewhat effective...not that I would be able to go anywhere right now anyway, but I really don't want others to get this. As far as the vaccine goes, if it were able to actually keep people from getting it without having really horribly adverse side effects, I'd be for it. I just don't know if anyone knows enough about it right now to actually be able to promise that.

So there it stands. Every once in a while I get a call, which is nice (as long as I'm awake), but generally I'm just shut up in my room, watching the Office, sleeping, or trying to eat something. I also listen to my kids, and wish that I could step in and comfort them when they cry, or try to relieve Chris when more than one them needs something at the same time.

I know I probably sound like a whiner, but really I'm just kind of dumbfounded by the irony of being infected by something I found so funny. And of course, it's really, really not funny. Not even a little bit.

A Nyquil Induced Inward Gaze

I had an interesting night last night. I've been on Nyquil for the past 3 nights. This has resulted in approximately 12-14 hours of sleep every night. I know...I'm jealous of myself, too. Chris is a pretty rare husband. At least, I think he is. If I'm sick, or just having a rough night, he will just let me go to bed as early as I want to and will get the kids all ready for bed and put them down. And he's been doing that since last Friday because that's when I started to get sick.

But back to Nyquil...the runny, stuffy nose started in three nights ago, and thus the Nyquil. Nyquil has not been a part of my life for about five years. You're not supposed to have it when you're pregnant or breastfeeding, thus me not being able to do it in about five years.

So Nyquil became my dear friend and enabled me to get some much needed sleep. But of course, it brought along with it some truly bizarre dreams. Of course, my antidepressant has been giving me quite violent dreams for the last two years, and I always remember them the next morning. So in a sense, the bizarre is preferable.

Last night, one of the dreams (I say one, because I had three) took me back to my freshman year of college. I attended a college in Kirkland, WA...obviously did not stay there because I met and married Chris while attending and, later, graduating from NNU.

It was a very, very unpleasant year in real life. It brought out my worst insecurities and I had them publicized and criticized. I had my back stabbed on a few occasions, could not make close friends, and had a very, very sad social life. Academically I aced everything, but only because I literally had nothing better to do. I came back home from that place a very broken, disillusioned person.

I would like to say that NNU made up for it, but unfortunately I took hold of my future and early on made some of the worst decisions of my life. I look back now and am saddened at the opportunities (both socially and academically) that I didn't take advantage of. I look back and feel regret. And not regret as in I wish I could just leave the life I have and start over...but I just wish I had known then what I know now. And maybe deep down I did...and just chose to ignore it.

And so while my dream started back in my freshman year of college, my mind (once awake) looked over the course of those difficult, nearly mind breaking years and wondered how I survived them.

And now here I am...Thirty years old, married, three kids, and a steady job.

And yet for some reason I still don't feel like I have it together. Does that make sense? I feel like I still have a rather large and ever-lengthening list of things I should be, and of areas that I should be better at. I sometimes view the faces of of people I went to college with and think to myself, "They look like they have it together. They look like their kids are well behaved, that their marriage is going great and that they've had easy times since the beginning, that they probably don't have any debt, that their house is immaculate and well decorated, that their yard probably is weeded and mowed on a daily basis, that they..." and the list goes on.

Because for some reason, upon waking in the midst of the Nyquil haze, it seemed to me that those were the things that determined success in life. And to be honest, I don't think it's a bad list.

But God was so gracious in immediately reminding me that while I may struggle with some (okay ALL) of those areas at one time or another, He has a picture of what He would like me to be like...and the list is much more about what He can accomplish in me, rather than an overwhelming list of what I think everyone else (and even myself) are looking for in me in order to call my life successful.

So once again, I turn myself and my tendency to focus on what feels impossible standards over to my Heavenly Father who loves me. He loves me more than I love my kids...and He loves them more than I do too. He loves me more than my abundantly loving husband does too...and will continue to bless our struggling little family as long as we continue to place ourselves in His much more capable hands.

For I am convinced that my worth is in much more than just the superficiality of a clean house (although it would be nice to have it :), children who will behave everywhere regardless of whether or not they have had naps (because my kids are awesome in so many other ways), or some sort of illusion that those on Facebook are somehow more perfect than I am (because none of us are )...and that by placing myself in His hands, I can become the absolute best that He has created me to be. And the great thing is, I don't know what I will become yet, but I know that what I will become will be far, far better because the Artist of my life has a far great vision of what I shall become in His Care.

Celebrations

We've had a very busy few weeks in our family. Miss Kadee Joy turned five years old at the end of July. Naturally, we had to do our traditional trip to Red Robin. She LOVES getting sung to. LOVES it. And has loved it since she turned one all those years ago.

We took a trip to Tillamook at the end of that week. Kadee Joy's dearest wish was to see her Canadian cousins, so we did. It was a crazy trip, being just me and the kids, but it was good to see them and my mom.

The 8th of this month was a busy day with it being Jeffy's 2nd birthday and my 30th. Ugh. Chris planned a fantastic surprise party which included all the guests (and me) dressing like characters out of a book, lots of fantastic food, many of my dear friends, and of course...lots of trivia games. My husband knows me so well. I dressed like a flapper, representing Daisy Buchanan from "The Great Gatsby." Good times.

Jeffy and Kadee's joined parties with family will be coming...soon...So it's really hard to have a child born on the same day as you. Just so you know. :) He didn't really get a party last year. How different the third child is from the first child in terms of party craziness.

And then yesterday was Chris and I's EIGHTH anniversary. We started the day by watching our wedding video, which is always bittersweet. It's so fun to see us so young and excited, but tough to see the people who have passed since that day. Dad, Grandpa McCoy, Sue, Grandpa Phil...we miss you, and cannot wait to see you again in the life after this.

After we packed up the kids stuff and I packed with the instructions that we would not be staying the night at the house. So we dropped the kids off at the Paz house in Boise, and then Chris drove me just a mile or two away to...the Anniversary Inn! I have wanted to go there since I first heard about its existence shortly after we were married and this was my first time there. We stayed in the French Canopy Room which was BEAUTIFUL and included a waterfall shower, jacuzzi, and was just completely romantic.

Right after we dropped our stuff off, we cleaned up for dinner. Chris took me to an Italian restaurant in downtown Boise, "Asiago's". I had this crazy pumpkin gnocchi with a lingonberry sauce and it was terrific. During dinner, Chris passed me a small box with a red bow on it, and inside was a beautiful white gold ring with seven tiny beautiful diamonds. When we got married, we had only gotten a ring that stood by itself (no attachment for when we got married), so this was the attachment we'd never gotten. I was so floored by it, and so happy...I know it sounds silly and shallow, but it made me feel even more married.

After that, we went back to the Anniversary Inn, where we ordered room service, and Chris whipped out the BBC/A&E version of Pride and Prejudice. We watched this until I fell asleep. And of course I left out other details. :)

The only remotely questionable moment hit when I heard Chris unzipping the pillows in the middle of the night. They were made of down...Oops. Chris has a pretty severe down allergy which causes him to be unable to breathe, so I was very relieved that he figured it out before his reaction got too bad.

The next morning we finished Pride and Prejudice while eating a yummy breakfast in bed. Then we got to experience the waterfall shower which I am very interested in installing in our house. :)

We left five minutes before they would have kicked us out, and headed to Chris' last surprise...lunch in downtown at Le Cafe de Paris which I would HIGHLY recommend to anyone who has not tried it yet. It was absolutely delightful. I ordered the soup du jour, a Scallop and Bacon soup that was surprisingly low in sodium and a house salad. The salad had to get traded after I discovered the dressing had large chunks of salt, but the garden greens and vinegar and oil that came back was just as good, and much better for my ears and equilibrium.

I also got a nice basket of sliced baguette and seriously the best iced tea I have ever had. It was a great end to a fantastic time away. My husband did such a good job with the planning and literally arranged everything in such a way as to show me how much more he loves and knows me since the beginning of our eight years together. I love you, Chris Tiner!

O Summer...Where Hast Thou Gone?

At the end of this last school year, I was so burned out, so ready to be done. Perhaps it was too many early morning committee and staff meetings (of which I'll blame myself having signed up for them). Or maybe it was being called "prep teacher" one too many times. Or maybe my own attitude needed a huge adjustment and renewed focus. Or maybe I just really, really needed a break because I'm human and every once in a while we all would like a break.

Usually by this time of the summer, I'm feeling the urge to go back to my job as a music teacher. I'm ready for a more structured schedule, I'm ready to see all the students again, I'm ready to work on improving my craft as a music teacher. Usually by this time, I have realized once again why I am not a very good stay at home mom.

But my life seems to be filled with the unusual. And in this case, it is no different. I'm not ready yet. For me, it still feels like we JUST got done with the end of the year. The prospect of starting an entirely new year "already" seems ridiculous to me. I am hoping and praying that I will be re-energized in the next two weeks leading up to the start of school.

Kadee Joy will start Kindergarten in two weeks. She actually starts the exact same day that I report back to work...not quite sure how that will work out, but hopefully I'll be able to take her. I'm already a little emotional about it. I didn't think I would be since Andrew has been in the same school she'll be attending since last year in the special ed preschool. I think the difference is that I actually teach kindergartners. The fact that my daughter is now the same age as those I teach puts both them and her in a completely different life. I hadn't realized before what relative babies these poor kids are. No wonder the mothers and fathers who drop them off are so anxious to make sure they will be okay before they depart.

The depression beast came back and hit me the with the ferocity of a tempest. I'd gone back to my anti-depressant on an every other day basis at the end of the school year. I seemed to be doing okay, although I found that it was much more difficult to remember when I had last taken it.

After a particularly draining week, I forgot to take it three days in a row. It feels stupid that that would be a big deal, but sadly, it was a big deal. I wrestled with some of the darkest thoughts I've had in a long time. And they hit very hard. My bones felt as though weighed five times as much as normal, and my heart burned. It was difficult even to get out of bed. I tried to think logically about my life and the place I was in with my dear husband, my three beautiful kids, a home, a job, a loving family...and in my state of deep depression these thoughts did very, very little to pull me out. I felt the full weight of all the things I felt I "should" be doing, and all the roles I felt I "should" be fulfilling better. I became overwhelmed by all that I was not.

Now I realize that for those of you who have never struggled personally with depression, this seems like a ridiculous state to be in. There was literally no reason for me to be feeling the way I was.

And that, I think, is the dangerous part of depression. It's not a battle of the mind or of the will. It's a battle of the body.

So my husband nursed me back to health, making sure that I took my anti-depressant on time and regularly. He took me out into the sunshine and around Boise, forcing me to get the natural endorphins flowing as much as my depressed body would allow. He read the Psalms to me, prayed with me and for me, and reminded me of his love and my worth in his life.

It took a few days, but I finally am back out of it and into the land of the living. And so, my war with depression wages on.

And now I have two weeks of summer left. I will be turning 30 on Saturday (!) and Jeffy will be turning two on the same day. I'm excited for this week. I think there will be many, many fun experiences, and I plan on using these last two weeks well.

If you think on it, please pray for me in my battle with depression. The toll it takes on my family is much higher than I would ever wish for them.

Jesus Loves Me

Another precious moment with Andrew.

Funny

My husband is a huge High School Musical fan, as are many members of our youth group. I know most of you have probably seen this, but I thought it was hilarious.

Blur

It's been one of those weeks...wait, months?...in which I keep thinking of things that I'd really like to blog about, and then I just don't. So here I am, and I apologize in advance for the kaleidoscope of memories and experiences I am about to jumble.

Chris left for Senior High Camp two weeks ago today. His week there was interesting for a lot of reasons. First of all, I think he had a fantastic time. But more importantly, I know that he was used by God in mighty ways. He gave his full on, all out testimony on Tuesday night, and I am STILL hearing from kids quoting him as they themselves share the struggles that they have had and/or are continuing to have. Confession of sin is such a powerful thing, and true repentance just can't happen until confession has taken place.

We are still seeing amazing things from our youth group. I had the privilege of teaching Sunday School and helping out with senior high youth group while Chris was at camp, and have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it, and it was a reaffirming call on my own life as well. The week of July 6th we'll be at Junior High Camp...Chris is the speaker and I'm the worship-in-song leader. Please pray for us both...stepping back into any form of ministry feels like an emotional land mine, but we have already seen God using our willingness to share our faults, weaknesses and failures for His good purpose.

While Chris was gone, I set up just about the fullest socializing schedule I've had since having kids. It was slightly exhausting, but I had a lot of really fun conversations and time out. And it kept the kids entertained as well. The kids and I got a lot of really precious time, and I realized just how lucky I am to be their mother. It is a daunting task, but holy cow, how rewarding it is.

The day Chris came back, I flew out to Victoria, British Columbia to see my dear twin sister get ordained as an elder in the Church of the Nazarene. We got to spend the next day with my grandma, mom, brother, Matt, Kadee, and their kids in Victoria. I LOVE Victoria. I hadn't been there in 10 years, and it was so much fun. The weather cooperated for the first hour, and then we spent a lot of time darting from warm shop to warm shop. I ate a 9 dollar banana split with my nephews and it was heavenly. After spending most of the afternoon there, we took the ferry back to Vancouver. Aaron and I stayed with Kadee and Matt, and I got the privilege of sleeping in my nephew's high, high bunk bed. I admit, that part was very scary. :)

The next day proved to be the most emotional day of the trip. Aaron and I got to go to the church where Kadee and Matt are both pastors. It is located in the heart of Vancouver, and within walking distance of Kadee and Matt's apartment. It is an incredibly diverse church. I don't know that I've ever been to a more diverse church. Racial lines were literally non-existent...people of Asian, African, European, and Latino descent were all intermingling and sharing their lives and faiths without even blinking. It was fantastic. And I got to see both Kadee and Matt in their pastoral roles, which was also quite awe-inspiring.

And then I saw Jeffrey.

Jeffrey is in his 30's, and is severely autistic. I'd heard about Jeffrey from Kadee many times before. Jeffrey came bounding across the fellowship hall during Kadee's reception with a wide smile on his face. He was jumping, flapping, standing still and checking out the room using his peripheral vision, dancing, and literally exuded joy.

And in that moment, I saw my Andrew. Kadee asked if I wanted to meet Gwen, Jeffrey's mother, and I, who literally will hide to try and avoid meeting strangers, was more eager to meet her than anyone else in my life.

Kadee went into the kitchen and pulled out this beautiful, tiny woman of Indian and Chinese descent. She had a warm smile on her face, and immediately came over with Kadee. I didn't even hear the introduction Kadee gave, I just took Gwen's hand and started bawling. Gwen didn't need any sort of explanation. She kept my hand and started telling me about her own experience, asked about Andrew, and reminded me that while we cannot change our children (they are who they are), we can make fitting in to "our world" as easy for them as we can.

And she KNEW. She KNEW my world. She had suffered a failed marriage because her husband could not handle having a child with autism. She is Jeffrey's caretaker, 24/7. She is in the midst of trying to get housing approved from the Canadian government so that families with special needs adult children can live together in a community so that if she or any of the parents pass away, there will be a community to continue taking care of the child. She agonizes, as do so many parents with mentally and/or physically disabled children, about who will take care of Jeffrey after she passes.

And so, as Gwen kept talking, I kept crying. And at the end, she asked me to pray for her, and for her mission to get housing for her family and for the families of the many others in the community who were in the same difficult situation. And so, I have been praying. If you think of it, join in prayer with me for Gwen, Jeffrey, and the many families in this same, very difficult place in life. What a blessing her story and encouraging words were to me.

Right after church, we went back to Kadee and Matt's house. I packed up and flew out that afternoon. It was very good to get back home to my husband and kids. And even though I got in late, I went into Andrew's room and checked on him. Apparently he had just started falling asleep, but hadn't gotten there quite yet. When I walked in and looked down at his face, he looked up, got of his usual HUUUUUGE smiles on his face, and said "Mommy! Come here..." and reached up and gave me a big hug. He held on and I took him out with me and held my dear boy for quite a while. How thankful I am for him, and for his life.

Chris and I took the usual 4 days to adjust to life back with each other. It's amazing how hard it is being apart but at the same time how difficult it is getting used to being together in the same house again. However, we're in a good place now, and I can't begin to say how proud I am of my husband.

Swim lessons started up this week. I started out with Andrew in his adaptive class, which happens to be taught by a friend of ours. The first day was a little tough, but he really did seem to enjoy himself. On Wednesday, I traded with Chris and took Jeffy and Kadee Joy to the outdoor pool lessons. It was fun...but so cold! And I took them on the warms days!

Yesterday we skipped out on lessons (70 degrees with a strong wind=Mommy, Jeffy and Kadee Joy are too cold) and took a family outing to the mall. It was the best mall trip we've ever had. Andrew didn't run at all, although he would occasionally wander. However, he always came back when he called his name. Kadee Joy got some early birthday presents as Children's Place and Gap Kids were having a great sale. She got sunglasses that make her look like Sharpay from High School Musical, so she's delighted with herself. Jeffy fell asleep about an hour into the trip, so he was fine. :) We finished up the trip with a stop at Starbucks for some summer drinks, and then headed back home for naps. It was a good day.

Today Chris has class...ugh...and then tomorrow he preaches! I always get nervous, but he always does a great job. Please pray for him if you think about it. May God continue to use him in mighty ways.

So I should get back to my kids. They're content, having eating breakfast and being able to watch the horrible Saturday morning cartoons, but I really should get more accomplished with them. Please keep our family in your prayers...changes continue to come on faster than we expect, but God has been very good in providing the strength and help we need.

Genius Jeffy

Jeffy can identify letters...most of them, actually. He's 22 months old. So it appears that while he may be a little behind physically, mentally he's pretty stinking smart. Here's a fun video showing off my genius little man.

Meme too

So I didn't know these things were called "meme's". But I LOVE them. And I think Sherry tagged me, but I could be wrong...I'll go for it anyway.

Eight Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Visiting my family in Victoria, BC
2. Getting my stinking classroom finished so I can officially be done for the summer
3. Sleeping through the night (sigh)
4. My next trip to Starbucks
5. Watching Harry Potter with the fam
6. Eating Peanut M&M's with milk tonight
7. My next date with my husband
8. Seeing my dad again

Eight Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Went to church
2. Took a nap with Kadee Joy
3. Waited a looooong time for one meeting to finish so that I could....
4. Go to the second meeting.
5. Went to Youth Group
6. Got punished at Bingo
7. Had an outstanding dinner (thank you Pam)
8. Had a late night "discussion" with Chris and Charlie

Eight Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Have a conversation with my son, Andrew
2. Understand what my husband means the first time he says it without immediately feeling defensive (ENFP + ISTJ=frequent miscommunication)
3. Speak Spanish fluently
4. Take less time to get comfortable enough to call someone "friend"
5. Be completely debt free (I'm working on this one)
6. Go out in public with Andrew and not have him run
7. Have a clean house ALL THE TIME
8. Be able to eat WHATEVER I WANT without worrying about the sodium content

Eight Shows I Watch:
1. ABC News
2. West Wing (reruns)
3. FRIENDS (reruns)
4. Seinfeld (reruns)
5. Wipeout
6. Dora the Explorer
7. BackYardigans
8. Max and Ruby

Eight Favorite Fruits:
1. Blackberries
2. Kiwi
3. Grapes
4. Honey Crisp Apples
5. Green Apples (with caramel)
6. Raspberries
7. Strawberries
8. Huckleberries

Eight Places to Visit:
1. England
2. Ireland
3. Hawaii
4. Mexico
5. Germany
6. Israel
7. Italy (been there, but I'd like to go back)
8. Spain (been there, but I'd like to go back)

Eight Places I've Lived:
1. Reedsport, OR
2. Newport, OR
3. Toledo, OR
4. Siletz, OR
5. Dinuba, CA
6. Tillamook, OR
7. Kirkland, WA
8. Nampa, ID

Benign

Biopsy results came back benign. Naturally a huge relief. Thanks all for your prayers.

Prep Teacher

In the eyes of a many of my colleagues at my elementary school (when I say many, I mean about 75%), my main function in life (at least at school) is to give them a 45 minute break.

At least, that's what I feel at this particular moment in time. It's not so much that it is actually true (I really don't know that), it's just some wording they use that makes me think that.

For those of you who don't know, most contracts give teachers a mandatory break in the day in which to prepare themselves for upcoming lessons. This time is called "prep time." I have a prep time...it's right around lunch, but it's still my prep time.

But the majority of the other teachers at my school, when the kids come to my classroom, they are sent to "preps." Not music. Not PE. Not art. Not computer. "Preps." As if the only good I am to them is to provide them with their prep time. And not just teachers. Administrators. EA's. The kids themselves. They catch on very quickly.

I am a certified teacher. I went to college for four and a half years to complete a five year program to become a music teacher. I have a Bachelor's Degree specifically in music education.

I have a Master's Degree in Education. I worked very hard right up until the day before I delivered my first born to get that degree.

And yet, it seems to me that the 45 minutes I see students once a week is valued very, very little. Well, let's be honest...the fact that I see these kids only once a week for 45 minutes shows how really little a music education in general is valued. But, as far as those 45 minutes go it seems to be valued very little, at least as far as opening up the world of these students to the beauty, art, intelligence, and magnificence of music. It's value is in giving their teachers a break.

I don't think it's an "enrichment" subject. I don't think it's froo-froo. I don't think it's something to just give the kids some "fun time."

I have 45 minutes once a week to try and give the students of my school a music education. This is an education that I feel is worthwhile, important, and for some students will be absolutely life saving to their education. I have 45 minutes in which to expand their vocabulary in MANY languages. I have 45 minutes to allow them to work on unity of sound, watchfulness of subtlety, creative expression in dance, joy in improvisation and in the successful interpretation of a piece of music, a chance to look through a window into the soul of another human being through his or her music. I rehearse, correct, praise, and teach. I am responsible for taking an entire grade level and teaching them a variety of songs, instrumental techniques, performance etiquette, stage safety, and basics of musical vocabulary, most of which is in Italian.

So please don't call me a prep teacher. I really do work very hard to give your students an actual education in music. If you just need a babysitter, there are actually many cheaper and less meaningful ways of providing you a 45 minute break. I really do worry sometimes that if there was another alternative to me as far as giving consistent prep time to regular classroom teachers, I would be booted pretty quickly. I take up one whole FTE. And man, is that expensive childcare from a school perspective.

And yeah, I mind when you keep your kids out of my class to catch up on other work. And I do mind when you ask me if they're doing anything "important" today. And I do mind when you could care less about the time of day that would work best for the kids to try and absorb my subject in a 45 minute class time.

And I really do get that you're under the gun to get test scores up. And I really do get that to the majority of politicians and administrators, getting their math and reading scores up is more important than them having a meaningful music education, or making sure that their kids are in shape, or tapping into their creative energy and working on ways to expand their skills as artists.

But seriously...we question that philosophy in every way possible on a daily basis...don't let it diminish the importance of what we, as individual subject specialists, are trying to teach your kids. There are no standardized tests on music, PE, art, computers...but don't let that skew your view of the importance of any of them.

No really...I don't like being called a prep teacher. :) And I don't think you like it when parents view your role as little more than free daycare. So don't treat me like I'm that for you. I will gladly take your kids during their designated time because frankly I really, really enjoy what I do, and I really, really want to teach them. And I will continue to respect what YOU are doing in teaching them your respective subjects. And I will try to remember that ALL of us, want what is best for kids.

And thank you much to the teachers who send their kids to specials, to music. Thank you to the teachers who care to be on time, who care what their kids do, who who care what their kids did while there were there, because that is a reality too. The difference in attitudes of the kids is very much a reflection of the teachers who bring them.

And don't get me wrong...I know you need a break. I know you need time to prepare. If we were honest, you generally use a whole lot more than 45 minutes to prepare to teach 20-30 uniquely diversified individuals on a variety of levels. And so do I.

Sadly, I realize to most readers, and maybe even most teachers, it just really doesn't feel like that big of a deal. But to me, in my chosen profession, in this moment in time, it is. Because I am a dying breed...and generally the deaths come out of the same attitude that refuses to acknowledge me for what I really am...a teacher of music. A teacher of kids. And someone who genuinely loves her job and tries her best to make sure that the education these kids are receiving from me in my subject area is one of quality, and one that they can take with them for the rest of their lives.

Biopsies

During a routine female exam, my doctor checked my thyroid and found it to be, as she put it, "full." Bloodwork came back normal, but she still wasn't totally okay with the way the thyroid actually felt. So I went in to get an ultrasound on my thyroid. Turns out I have three solid nodules on the right side of my thyroid. I went in to my ENT yesterday and found that out. He wasn't particularly comforting, and let me know that I would need to have a fine needle biopsy done on all three nodules to rule out cancer.

Chances of them being malignant? 5-10%. It depends on who you ask. My percentage goes up based on my age, the fact that the nodules are solid and not cystic, and the fact that I don't exactly have a good family history with cancer.

My mind has been preoccupied with it for the past 24 hours. It's not that I fear cancer, or even death...it's just the not knowing that's dominating my thoughts. Chances are they will simply be benign, and I'll just have to watch them for the rest of my life.

But all the same, if you could keep me in your prayers, I would be most appreciative. I get the biopsies done on Tuesday and then find out the results however long after that. My nurse was good enough to tell me that if the results were benign, they would tell me so over the phone and then schedule an appointment to see what's next. If they were not...well, they'll just call me and tell me to come in. I think it would have been better if she'd told me that she would just call me when I needed to come in and discuss the results. :)

Oo-kay?

So Chris and I go to marital counseling. No, we are not in a marital crisis. Yes, we were in marital crisis the first time we went. We went another time in between then and now as well.

Counseling was ALWAYS something that had a negative stigma to me. I figured only really screwed up people went to counseling. When I was a kid, I knew of only a couple of kids who went to counseling, and I always thought badly of them. Judge me if you will.

Of course, after you get married you realize how futile arguments seem to become after multiple failed attempts at reconciliation. Pre-marital counseling didn't feel like real counseling...everybody has to go if they want to be married in that particular church. But after a couple of years, I wanted to go to marital counseling with Chris. A whole bunch of friends in my bible study went with their spouses, and I was sure this would be the end-all be-all to my marital frustrations.

Chris was not so open to the idea. He had had his own experiences with counseling as a child after his parents' divorces and subsequent remarriages to other people. I don't think he looked back on them fondly.

Another three years later, we found ourselves smack dab in the middle of marital crisis. "Divorce" was being thrown all over the place, I was severely depressed. It got to a point where I ended up in personal counseling, which quickly turned into marital counseling.

While the first several sessions did very little to help our marriage, the sessions after the truth came out about why we were actually in marital counseling were life changing. I am still amazed at the progress and healing that came about as a result of marital counseling, and it was definitely a good healthy mixture of the amazingness of our counselor, and both Chris and I's persistent work on the things we so badly needed to work on.

Recently we've been going as more of a preventative type thing. We still have issues (don't all married people though), and we've enjoyed the first few sessions.

However...A funny and sort of "huh?" moment came out of it.

At the end of a particularly soul-bearing session, our counselor stopped talking, and so did we. She looked at both of us and said, "You know, if you guys hadn't had your faith, you would have been divorced a long time ago. I have never met two more polar opposites in marital counseling than you two. Your communications styles, personalities, everything are all completely opposite of each other. Steph, you're "slow and steady wins the race" and Chris, you're "fast and.......jumpy."

I thought the fast and jumpy part was funny. The rest was a little disheartening. My "half-glass empty" brain started going, "Is she saying that we SHOULDN'T be married? That we never should have been married? That marriage for us will always be incredibly difficult?" I drove home with those same thoughts zooming through my head.

Chris had class later that night, and was getting ready to go, when he noticed I was looking pretty down. He came over to me, pulled me up, and gave me a big hug. "Did the stuff our counselor said make you upset?"

"Yeah...," I said, the tears starting to come down again.

"Well I think it's a good thing," (my "glass overflowing" husband said) "and you want to know why?"

"Why?," I said, in my most pathetic voice.

"Because it means that we're not just both being incredibly selfish! The stuff we deal with is just because we're so different! Don't worry, honey, we'll make it." And with that, he gave me a big kiss, another hug, and fed me dinner. :)

And that is where I think that while we are indeed polar opposites, God has been and will able to work through us and our marriage in mighty ways. Because, as our counselor pointed out, were it not for Him, there would be no way we could be here, in our home, with our beautiful kids, and recognizing His mighty power to work miracles...including helping two polar opposites have a happy marriage.

Yaaaayyyy!

I know it's sideways, but the day has finally come that we thought never would....

He's 20 months old, almost 21...but he did finally do it. Yaay, Jeffy!

"I'm Wishing..."

Andrew LOVES movies. He'll get on a movie kick and stay with the same movie for weeks. Lately it's been "Snow White." And while he still can't hold a conversation, he can memorize a song like it's nobody's business. Here's his latest musical triumph, accompanied by Kadee Joy and sometimes loud Mommy.

Failure to Thrive

So after being denied for Medicaid...again...We're going the Katy Beckett route. This route can provide Medicaid to people who make too much money, but who have children with severe enough disabilities. I think it's funny that the government thinks we make too much money with my lone teacher's salary.

Amid the mass of paperwork is the Physicians Evaluation. Today, Chris took the boys to our pediatrician, the wonderfully empathetic Dr. Copeland.

As I read through the long medical history of both my boys, my eyes caught the words "Failure to Thrive" on Jeffy's evaluation. Our rheumatologist was the first to use these words when referring us to the neurologist. Jeffy is in the 1st percentile for weight. I knew he was small...I just didn't realize he was that small. But then again, as I took him out of his evening shower (he loves them), I was able to carry him easily in my arms, just as I always have, just like a newborn baby. He is so tiny.

I also had the strange thought that I sometimes get that wonders how I would have reacted had I, before children, before marriage, looked into the future on this day-what would I have thought about the words that stuck out?

"Motor Delay"
"Expressive speech delay"
"Failure to Thrive"
"Metopic Craniosynostosis repair"
"Sensory Integration Disorder"
"Autism"

My beautiful boys.

What has invaded their bodies and minds, bringing these upon them? And what has my own part been in them?

I feel some days, like today, that Andrew was robbed of his mind, and Jeffy was robbed of his body. I see these words and scoff at my own naivete that assumed my children would be completely healthy, without flaw, without pain. That I could hold conversations with them...that I could make them understand me...that they would grow up, graduate from college, marry, have children...without even a thought about just how many thing have to come together for life to work like that. But this is foolish thinking, weak thinking, negative thinking...For the time being I would be excited for my dear Jeffy to walk without pain...or even just to WALK, for Andrew to tell me how he feels, or to care how I feel.

But in the meantime, I will seek all the help for them I can. And I will remember what I already know...that these labels come nowhere close to defining my sons. My Jeffy, with his beautiful big brown eyes, infectious giggle, and funny little gait. My Andrew, with his irrepressible joy at the unseen, his songs, his dances, his amazing strength, and his warm snuggles.

And so I look forward to the day when we will all be restored from our weak earthly vessels into our new heavenly bodies, and where we may all understand and be understood.

Bleh.

It's Thursday, the day before Good Friday, and I'll admit that I'm pretty nauseous.

Chris had class tonight and I had choir practice for the Good Friday service. Chris' 17 year old brother Charlie moved in with us yesterday, and so we worked it out that he would go with Chris' older brother Rich to his house for the evening while Chris went to class and I took the kids with me.

So Chris, Rich, and Charlie all left for their respective places, and I started to make a little dinner for the kids and I. And five minutes later, Jeffy puked all over himself, the kitchen floor, and some of the carpet in the living room. SICK.

He's acted pretty miserable since then, although the upchucking has ceased. You'd think I'd be used to the ill bodily functions by now...but gross churned milk vomit is still a point of weakness for me, and I've been on the edge since the aforementioned puking.

It's been another week of change. We're feeling very positive about Charlie coming to live with us. He, his parents, and Chris and I all reached the point at relatively the same time where this particular change in living quarters seemed to make sense. So we are hopeful that Charlie's prospects will come into clearer view, and that he will find strengths and opportunities that will help grow him into the man God so lovingly desires him to be.

Jeffy's playing the piano right now. I'm pretty sure he's going to be the artistic one in our family. We can set him down with a Magna Doodle or in front of a piano and he'll be content to create on either for much longer than any normal 1 year old.

Kadee Joy decided to increase her mother's overall amount of patience by testing it the other night. She had been begging me to be allowed to chew a large wad of that gross, cheap bubble gum that comes in the huge packs of candy. So, finally, I assented. She wanted to take a bath, and Andrew did as well, so I piled them into my jacuzzi tub, poured in the bubbles, and left them for two minutes.

Apparently, two minutes is all you need to get a wad of gum stuck in your brothers hair. Mind you, it was in her mouth. Still not quite sure what she was doing to get it into his hair. Andrew had quite the mane when this happened, and the gum was so big that it turned his scalp into quite the disaster. Needless to say, after working on it for a while, the decision was made to cut Andrew's hair. Chris was at class, so the task fell to me. Andrew did not appreciate it, and Kadee Joy was sent to bed.

I must say that I don't think I've ever seen a more pathetic hair cut. And now the poor boy has a cold sore. All in all, he looks like a very sad little fellow. Kadee Joy is still apologizing for it. I had to cut the hair around the gum shorter than the rest, so he has a little bald spot to add to the pathetic effect. Ugh.

So now I'm hoping that Chris will get done with class early and come relieve me of the baby boy and his puke. It doesn't seem to matter how much I clean him...the odor lingers.

I had another dizzy spell yesterday, right around the time my kindergartners were set to come in. My team of specialists (teachers, mind you :) once again came to the rescue and took my classes until a sub was able to come in. I came home and slept for five hours. Sleep really does seem to be the only way of abating the symptoms once a spell has started.

Alright, Andrew wants to shower, and let's be honest, he needs to. Off to the races again.

I don't want to play anymore

My adventure with the withdrawal of my anti-depressant took a sharp turn downward this morning. I think I was working on day 5 without it (remembering, of course, that the tapering off has been going on for several weeks) and felt like I was doing well.

Then Chris was late getting back from the store, making it so that I missed the hair appointment I had scheduled for this morning.

And friends, I cried, and I cried, and I fell asleep, and I cried, and I did the dishes while I cried, and I took another nap, and I cried.

Naturally...my crying had very little to do with my hair appointment having to be rescheduled. But I certainly created a fun morning for my husband and children. It got to the point where I started trying to come up reasons for why I was crying. And when I spoke them aloud, they sounded even stupider than they had sounded in my head.

So, I took my dose of anti-depressant. Apparently a week is still too long to go without. It was horrible, although luckily my poor husband was able to deal with it fairly cheerfully, and got a lot of outside work done while I sobbed over the household chores.

On a not all that less slightly irritating note, Jeffy went into to the pediatric neurologist on Thursday. After being in the office for an hour and a half, we were told that it didn't appear that there was really all that much wrong...at least from a neurological standpoint. He became the fourth doctor to suggest physical and occupational therapy, which we've been on several waiting lists for for a few months now. He had nothing to say about the high rate of inflammation in Jeffy's body, other than that area was not his area but rather in the area of the rheumatologist who had referred us. Oh bother.

My great grandmother also passed away this week, so instead of going to Women' s Retreat, I will be flying over to Oregon to attend her memorial. I'm bummed about missing Women's Retreat, but really there was no thinking about which was more important. My grandmother's house (at least, where she lived before being put in a wonderful home for seniors needing assistance) complete with a beautiful garden, waterfall, and forest as her backyard, has always been the closest thing to heaven I have found on this world.

Back to work was up and down as well. I had some fantastic days with my kids, but some classes that were simply out of control. I'm looking forward to summer now...In my heart and mind in can't come fast enough.

If only all brothers and sisters got along this well...

I've started so many blogs since my last one, but obviously have not finished any of them. Sometimes I will try to write on subject that I think someone in particular might want to read...and that NEVER works.

So let's see. We've been having a productive Spring Break. Not necessarily fun, but definitely productive. My mom came into town on Sunday night, and pretty much the minute she came into town, the purging began. My mom is a great purger. It should be her middle name. She sent two days straight helping Chris and I get our house into order. We filled pretty much an entire dumpster with papers that had needed to be sorted for two years. She also took 7 or 8 loads of laundry to a local laundromat and washed and folded them for us. Why doesn't she live closer?!

We also played a lot of cards and Monopoly. We had friends and family over pretty much every night, which was a lot like my whole teenage years. She also got me a PLANNER...something she's used since she was 18, and something that she's been wishing her disorganized daughter would use for the last 20. I've been using it like crazy so far (all two days)...we'll see if I keep it up after school starts back up again.

Update on Jeffy: Still not walking... so we took him back to the rheumatologist yesterday who decided that the next course of action should be to take him to the pediatric neurologist. He was able to "convince" them to take us in next week. The doctor was scheduled out until June. Not sure if this is a good sign or a bad sign. He used the word "malignant" which is never good, but used it only as something that is naturally at the back of a physician's mind when the SED rate continues to remain so high, but the usual rheumatic treatment fails to change anything. It's definitely not arthritis anymore, not muscular...so we're headed to brain issues now. Please continue to pray for additional wisdom for the doctors, and for protection for our dear boy. He's generally very smiley and giggly, but gets tired so easily, and is just not strong.

Andrew is still doing well, loving life, and very very smiley. He's such a joy.

Kadee Joy is brilliant as usual, and a little too smart and social for her own good. She officially quit ballet after a particularly tantrumish day...I was deeply saddened, but it appears she will have to take her natural athleticism a different way. As she put it she "wants to make her OWN dance." Isn't that the way of it.

My withdrawal from my anti-depressant has hit the more difficult wall of spacing out my doses every three days. I'm great the day I take it, and the next, and then the third day I'm an absolute basket case. The other night I went into "the depths of despair" as Anne Shirley calls it, but was able to intellectually tell myself that it would be better in the morning. And it was. I'm still hopeful that I will be able to wean completely off of it, although the walls have made it seem a much more challenging than it was the first ten days.

Today I coerced Chris into watching "Twilight" with me on DVD. He very graciously did not make fun of it while we were watching it. What a nice guy. We got some much needed snuggle time in while the kids took their naps. March Madness showed back up tonight, so naturally it will be on all night. My picks are winning as of this moment, which is good news for me personally, bad news for my husband. My goals in my marriage right now are to work on the areas of respect and physical affection with my husband. These are issues that we've always struggled with, and seem to go in waves of difficulty. Right now, I am riding a pretty big one. Please pray for me in this area, if you think of it.

I got to go to coffee with a friend of mine today, who did a great job of helping me my own life into perspective, and also allowed the Holy Spirit to convict me in several areas. Not in a "don't gossip" kind of way, but her struggles helped me to recognize my own struggles, and as I proceeded to give advice, I realized that I needed to be giving the same to myself.

School starts up again next week, and I can't believe it's already the 4th quarter. What an insane year. But I will say, it has been a great year.

Okay, off to spend time with my family. I am hoping we will be able to do something fun tomorrow or Saturday before I go back to work. And also hoping that the weather will turn warm again.

Costume party

A friend of ours had a costume party for her son's fourth birthday. We actually got costumes, and are so glad we did. Aren't they the cutest things ever? Jeffy is Curious George, Andrew is a "future" golfer, and Kadee Joy is Cinderella.

I decided to try and cheat on my diet and eat a piece of pizza...and now I'm paying for it. Both my ears are so full I can hardly hear. I think I've learned my lesson. :)

Withdrawal

Hi everyone! How's your morning going? Mine is going FANTASTICALLY well.

This past week and a half (well, three weeks, really) have been CRAZY. A few field trips, a lot more doctors appointments, my huge fourth grade musical....and withdrawal. Withdrawal from caffeine. Withdrawal from sodium. Withdrawal from restaurants and fast food places.

And to top it all off, this week I've tapered off my anti-depressant. So withdrawal from that too.

I didn't really think through what that would do to this week in particular, but I finally got to the point where I realized my actual need for the anti-depressant really was now only equated with my fear of what I would be like going off of it. And let me tell you, my fears of what I would become upon going off of it have been terrifying.

However, I came to another realization that finally helped me jump off the boat of fear and into the world of no anti-depressant. I have been very mellow on my anti-depressant. In the beginning, that was a much needed qualification as to why I should be taking it. I was so, so low, all the time. Being mellow was several steps up from that. And when I became mellow, I was able to think through steps without the barrage of emotions that had been blocking my ability to deal with life in a healthy way.

Being mellow (for me anyway) opened up many paradigm shifts in my head. My way was not necessarily the only way. Things not being done exactly as I wanted them did not necessitate berating the person who did it differently. Dishes not being done right away were not a cause for a meltdown. Going from irritated to screaming in a matter of seconds was not a healthy handling of life. Expecting perfection from myself and others was not realistic and would generate feelings of anger that were unjustified.

Notice a common thread here?

Unfortunately, this mellowness, while allowing me to figure out better ways of thinking through situations, also produced an almost apathetic view towards the things that actually needed to get done. As a result, my ability to handle finances, meet deadlines, and keep my house organized and clean (at least, as much as I usually do :) have greatly, greatly suffered. And then, to be honest...I don't care even when I see them suffer. I just physically do not care.

And physically and emotionally, I just don't experience any sort of highs or lows. I've visited the lowlands a few times when I'm a few hours late on my anti-depressant, but the highs have been left out of my life for quite a while. And not because I want to...I just can't get there.

And so, I realized that my thinking had changed enough to warrant at least thinking about going off of the anti-depressant. And my work, home, and marriage had suffered enough from my lack of emotion and drive that I realized I needed to at least try going off of it.

And so, one day, I did. And of course, that day, I felt STRESSED. I could feel it in my shoulders...my muscles in them were hard as rocks. It didn't help that my musical was two days away and I finally realized fully just how much I needed to do.

And then, something amazing happened. I was motivated enough to DO THEM. And I did. And I have kept doing them. Of course, I realize that it has only been four days (and don't worry, I'm under doctor supervision and am still taking them every couple of days so that my brain and body don't hate me), but the things that I have been able to FEEL again have been incredible. The day of my program, I was able to see and insist on details that needed to be better. And the night of my program I was able to really celebrate how great the kids were and how well the whole thing came off.

And at home, I've been catching up on all the things I've been putting off for months. Of course, I'm walking and talking faster as my brain moves faster, and I have much more energy (which could also be due to the fact that I'm no longer eating crap and drinking only caffeinated drinks), and I am feeling physically renewed.

So I'm optimistic. Spring is coming, I'm catching up, and I'm motivated.

Withdrawal is tough, but I think coming through the clouds will be worth it.

Goodbye

Yesterday I made my second trip to the Ear Nose Throat doctor, did a bunch more tests, and came away with news I'm not real happy with, but will eventually be okay with. I was diagnosed with Meniere's disease, which is an inner ear disease that affects the equilibrium and overall health of the inner ear. It manifests itself in the dizzy spells that have been plaguing me, and the plugged ear feeling I've had in my right ear. And, as far as I can tell, it is lifelong.

Treatment? Low sodium diet and no caffeine, as well as some daily medication. This is where the gluttonous side of me comes out. Low sodium is hard to come by. Check out the sodium content on most foods. However, I am allowed 2000 mg a day, as long as I divide them up equally throughout the day. The caffeine is a little tough to take as well, considering my love for the SB (Starbucks), because even the chocolate I get in my mochas have caffeine. Decaf vanilla lattes? I don't know.

The eerie side of it is that this was what they initially diagnosed my dad with when he had the same symptoms. They eventually switched the diagnosis to a different inner ear disease, but the treatment was the same. I remember the low sodium lifestyle. Dad was on it until he died. I think that that may be where I'm having difficulty. I've seen how this affects everything from going out to eat to going to friends houses, and I remember how horrible I felt for Dad. A friend and I were trying to figure out where to go for lunch, and finally settled on Red Robin where I had fries (no salt) and a gardenburger wrapped in lettuce. Not what I would like, but it stuck to my 300 mg per meal regimen.

So goodbye Reuben sandwiches, goodbye pickles, goodbye salad dressing, goodbye pizza, goodbye deli meats and goodbye chips. And hello fresh fruits and vegetables, no salt butter, cooking with garlic and vinegar, Mrs. Dash everything, and asking for nutritional content information at every restaurant and potluck I go to. It is a change in lifestyle certainly, but I would be silly not to realize that it is a much, much healthier change, and one that any cheating on my part would result in immediate, not fun consequences.

But with all the silly selfishness said, it is not life threatening, it is simply life altering. There were many much scarier scenarios that were possible. So forgive my present selfishness, particularly those of you going through life threatening illnesses, or those of you with family members going through them. My difficulty is not the same, or anywhere close to it.

Lord, please help me to be content with this new change in diet, and thank you for your protection of my life.

Progress

My son Andrew has been amazing me lately. He is making so many gains in social skills, communication skills, even basic self care skills.

His latest funny thing has been that he really likes to help make scrambled eggs. He will go to the kitchen, open up the fridge, take out the egg carton (carefully :)) and bring it to us and say, "Eggs?". Then he walks with us over to the kitchen counter, sets them on the kitchen counter, gets out the mixing bowl, the pan, and the whisk, helps us crack the eggs, mixes the eggs, and dumps them into the pan. Then I turn on the burner, he gets and spatula, and stirs the eggs as they cook. After they're done, he says "Sit down," runs to the table after getting a fork, and waits for me to bring him his plate of eggs. Too cute!

He's also learning how to be a little booger, but in a way that shows us he's picking up on communication. He and his sister can now argue over toys "My toy!" "Le' go!" "No, no, no!" Here you go, sissy."

And then, there's Chris and I's favorite Andrew-ism. If he wants you to lay down next to him when he goes to bed, he waits for you to come in with his blanket, cup, and then, after you've come in, he runs behind you and shuts the door so that you can't get out. He's still very much a snuggler.

He's loving school, and his teacher gave glowing reports about the progress he's made. He still has a long way to go, but transitions have become so much easier, he is counting, he can sing whole songs and has good enough pitch for us to recognize them! He's getting better about Jeffy too, although I'm pretty sure he prefers his Mommy over everyone. He's helping to dress himself, will look at books independently, and is doing fantastically well in his Sunday School class.

All in all, we are very proud of our boy, and so thankful for the many people in his life who lead him closer and closer to a more easier understood way of living.

How quickly

How quickly the clouds roll in.
How quickly the shades are pulled down.
How quickly my eyes are filled with tears.
How quickly the key becomes minor.
How quickly Keats becomes gospel.
How quickly the water rises.
How quickly my eyes are darkened.
How quickly the light is shut out.
How quickly the mind turns.
How quickly the fingers fly.
How quickly the world caves in.
How quickly the silence becomes an invitation.
How quickly black makes sense.
How quickly the cup runs out.
How quickly the strength leaves.
How quickly the questions feel unanswerable.
How quickly the wind feels lonely.
How quickly the blessings are forgotten.
How quickly His Word is left unopened.
How quickly my memory is under shadow.
How quickly the tragic becomes the norm.
How quickly happiness feels irritating.
How quickly the small becomes overwhelming.
How quickly the fuse becomes short.
How quickly answers are no longer searched for.
How quickly Death seems to be the ultimate conqueror.
How quickly faint whispers seem so close.
How quickly the clouds roll in.
How quickly I forget the brightness of the sun.
How quickly.
How quickly indeed.

Another Wild Weekend

About two weeks ago I called my mom up and let her know that I was really missing her and the rest of my extended family. My dad's side was having their annual get together in Neskowin, OR on President's Day weekend, and I wondered aloud if it would be possible for us to come. We looked into plane tickets, which were way too high since it was under 21 days away. Then I talked to Chris about it, and he was all for all five of us driving over. Mom was able to get a bigger room at the Inn at Proposal Rock, where she and the rest of my family were planning on staying. So I took a personal day on Friday, and early Friday morning we drove to the coast.

That part of the trip went really well. We had minimal crying from the backseat, and we managed to make it there in time to pick up Mom (well, caravan with her) and head to Neskowin. Right before we left, Chris presented me with a beautiful boquet of wildflower looking flowers. So beautiful! As I think about it though, I'm pretty sure we left them at mom's house. But they really were beautiful.

We picked up pizza on the way there, and started eating it once we got to our suite, which had an ocean view and was AWESOME. Shortly after arriving, we found some of my cousins and my grandparents. They were heading to Mo's, a wonderful chowder house, and both my mom and husband encouraged me to go with them, while they stayed with the kids and allowed them to unwind from the 9 hour car ride.

It was great fun, and I had some delicious clam chowder and iced tea. I got back that night and had as nice a night's sleep as any hide-a-bed will allow.

The next morning we woke up to blue skies and our great view. The kids had all rested well, although we were all awake a little earlier than the rest of our Pacific time zone relatives.

Later that morning we had a great breakfast with the fam that was already there. The kids had a great time getting to know their third cousins. After that, Chris took Jeffy back to the room for a late morning nap, and the kids and I went to the beach with some of my cousins. It was a little chilly, but we had fun, even though Andrew insisted on running as close to the surf as possible. Proposal Rock is notorious for it's swiftly changing tides, and we were almost caught by it several times. It started to get dark, so we started the long walk in, and by the time we got back to our room, it was pouring. The kids and I changed into dry clothes, and then took a nice afternoon nap.





Upon waking, Chris and I saw that the weather had changed back into blue skies, and so Mom volunteered to take the kids while we walked. It was a wonderful time alone, with the refreshing wind that only an ocean can provide.



After our walk, we went over to get some coffee. Our mocha orders were taken by a guy who looked like he was too old to even know what we were talking about. However, appearances can be deceiving, and he turned out a fantastic vanilla mocha.

At this point, things turned a little crazy when an unexpected guest at our get together had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. Chris had run out upon seeing a few people around her, and had the sense to get the people in our group who actually knew her. Unfortunately, the poor woman turned out to be highly intoxicated, and had fallen due to the effects of the alcohol. So she was taken away, and her daughter had to drive her back home after her stay in the hospital.

After that, we all got ready to have our big family dinner. It was chili and salad, and looked and smelled awesome. I had just sat down to look at some letters my grandfather had written his mother when Jeffy came over to be picked up. I passed the book to Chris, and five seconds later Jeffy puked all over me...and puked....and puked...and puked....and with each puke my family would give a louder, higher pitched "Ohhh!" So, Chris and I walked back with Jeffy to our room, while my mom cleaned up the mess. Chris volunteered to stay with Jeffy and Andrew, who was a little restless by this point, and I went back after completely changing every article of puke soaked clothing.

The dinner was fine, although I was a little queasy after being puked on. We headed back a little while later and found that Jeffy's puking had not stopped. As I took Jeffy, I started to feel even queasier. Needless to say, I also got whatever bug he had, and puked that night, and was unable to get up for our final family breakfast. Chris drove the windy roads back to Tillamook as slowly as he could without getting pulled over, and when we finally got there, I went to bed, and stayed there pretty much all day. It was still a beautiful, completely blue skied day, and I couldn't go anywhere or see anyone. MISERABLE!

So this morning, after puking again, we packed up our stuff for Nampa. About halfway through the trip I was able to actually eat again, and by the time we got home, I felt much better, although a little weak. Chris had to go to class tonight, so I'm very glad I was over the stomach stuff by that time.

It was a difficult weekend in those respects, but not nearly as difficult as it could have been. My husband was so thoughtful, and so attentive to me and to the kids. He was so supportive in giving me as much time with my dad's family as I could get, stayed with the kids during naps or necessary breaks, was up with the kids both nights I was sick, and drove both ways to allow me to sleep. I have married an extraordinarily wonderful man, and this weekend was just another reminder of that.

And I did get to see dad's side of the family, which was the best thing this weekend, the fourth anniversary of his untimely death, could possibly produce.